The New M.E. Generation











I got on my car and tried to keep calm while driving. The 20-something guy suggested a place to meet that I’ve heard before, but never been to. We were to meet outside of the location and take it from there, in case the place wasn’t worth staying.

I got there about 20 minutes later. I parked on the other side of the sidewalk of him and he got off the car first.

‘He doesn’t look that bad,’ I thought to myself. He actually looked better in person that his photos, which is not usually how it goes. But, hey, if you post a photo of you sticking your tongue out during Spring Break week, your hope is that the real thing is way better than that.

He greeted me politely and still seemed well mannered from what I perceived from his phone voice. So far, so good?

“This place looks kind of dead to me. We should probably go somewhere else,” said he. He was right, not much activity was going on.

“There’s this jazz bar not far from here that has a nice ambience. I think it’s a good alternative for drinks and the music is good. We can even walk there,” said I.

The first sign of how our worlds were different was when we were walking on the sidewalk. Where I come from, the man walks on the side that faces the street so they protect the women from any dangers that may occur.

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t wanted to start the night ‘on a bad step’, or sounding perhaps like his mom, whom I bet is probably more or less my age. And that would make me feel old, which I didn’t want to go there. Besides, I have barely seen anything else of him, so I have to give it a chance.

We got to the jazz bar and found a table outside. It was pretty filled up and the music was playing. But, again, he didn’t display a behavior I’m used to, like a guy helping a lady sit on the chair.

Is it me being too old school or just too picky with any guy, period?

Looking back, I think many of the past guys were quite immature for their age, Or maybe I have been too critical of all of them.

Whatever I’ve lived in the past, I’m in the present sitting at a table with a young guy who I don’t think has any clue of what basic etiquette is.

Either I liked it or not, I felt as if I had a mirror with my own reflection telling me the truth of this moment: He’s way out of my league or, for a lack of better words, I’m too old for him.



My stress, unfortunately, didn’t level down. I always get like this when it’s a first date, although I was not trying to define it like that.

Heck, I could approach it as a night out, casual encounter, meeting, anything that wouldn’t make me think about what would or could happen next.

The way I select what to wear is so nerve wrecking, it’s almost like a self-defense mechanism so I don’t go on dates. Because the guys I’ve met haven’t been mostly unworthy, I’m already conditioned that it will always fail.

Maybe that’s the clue for my failures: I’m already giving it a verdict before the ‘trial’ happens.

So, I open my closet and first decide on pants or a dress. If I do on pants, then it’s the decision of the top. This means playing around with the ‘cards’ I have by putting the clothes on my bed. Once I like something, I try it on. If it works, I wear it. If not, keep trying options.

If all fails for me, then I try the dresses that I have and pray something will click and, more importantly, that it fits. Yes, that’s another factor. Because I don’t go out on that many dates, the clothes I usually have for that sit on my closet at times without being worn.

This means that when I try them on, they could not fit me any more for having gained weight or, if they do, they might be clothes that I decide at that moment it’s time to part with.

The second happens every so often with my wardrobe. I get on this mood that certain items remind me of a particular life period that I just want to forget, so I quickly take them out of the closet and place them in a bag to be donated.

It’s a cleaning process that makes me feel lighter, allowing my emotional space to heal and that of my closet to be filled with new things that reflect the present me.

I started looking at all my dresses and nothing was doing it for me until I looked at a strapless, black, a-lined model I’ve had for years. Of all the items I currently have on my closet, this is probably the oldest of them all. It’s been with me way before my marriage fell apart.

Why have I kept it, especially when it belongs to ‘my past life’? I know I go through a cleansing every so often, but this one always fits me no matter the weight I have, it has a timeless style and, most importantly, always makes me feel pretty when I wear it. It somehow manages to make me forget the history behind it and look at myself in a new light.

After this major undertaking is resolved, then it’s the shoes and accessories. I put them all together, switching choices around until the ‘this is it’ factor occurs.

Last step, unbelievably the less stressful of all, hair and makeup. They’re equally important, but I guess the other elements are what really reflect who I am as a whole. Once I’m all dressed up, I do a final inspection on myself that all is in order and I’m ready for the night.

I liked what I saw on the mirror, but will he like it?

I checked myself one more time and a thought came to mind: ‘Take it as if it was an adventure’. Don’t know where that came from, but I took a deep breath and left.

Was that you, universe?



Life for me went back to normal and I followed what I decided upon, which was to close communication with Edward. I would sometimes write a comment on his posts, but no emails or phone calls were made.

I would say at least a year or more went by when I got to see something about him again. It was early in the year and, there they were, the two of them, kissing, at their wedding.

Yep, he married the party chick. It totally took me by surprise, as I don’t recall reading anything about the engagement. People were congratulating him for the good news, so it seems he kept it quiet.

The ceremony was held outdoors in a garden area. In my opinion, both were dressed appropriately, not too much or too under whelmed, but no photos of reception. It seems it was a small and intimate ceremony with only the closest people attending.

I kept looking at the picture when I got an email from the girl who introduced us.

“What do think of Edward getting married?” asked she.

“Hip hip hooray?” replied I.

I really didn’t have an answer for her or me. I was happy for him, sort of, as the questioning about the past resurfaced. It wasn’t really about ‘losing a possible catch’, I was disappointed that other people (guys especially) were moving on, getting married, etc., and I was still single.

Why is it that others are lucky and I haven’t experienced a love relationship with someone else?

Fast forward about another year or so later, and I got to see Edward and entourage with other surprising news, they were expecting a baby.

I again thought to myself, “that could have been me”, but my emotions were really linked to wanting what other people had and wondering if it would ever happen with me.

Some months later a baby boy was born and it was quite cute. It definitely looked like him; if I would have been the mom, I saw how it would have looked like.

I was again sort of happy for him, but not personally that now there were 4 kids altogether. I’ve always wanted to experience motherhood, but one child would be just fine. Raising children that are not mine, I don’t know how I would handle it.

The last, last thing I read about him was that he moved to the west coast to a location that looked very country. Now that’s definitely something that’s not for me. Don’t get me wrong; the place is beautiful, but dealing with cold weather more than half of the year, thank you, but no.

So, what am I feeling now? Relieved. It was now clear to me why this relationship never occurred: I wouldn’t have liked to move, or go through such a huge change, because it would have made me unhappy.

I know you’re supposed to sacrifice for your loved ones, but I did that once, living life for others, but if they don’t make sacrifices for you, an unbalance is created and the relationship suffers.

What if I met someone and I had to relocate again to make it work? Would I let the opportunity pass me by?

Let’s say I will worry about that when it happens (if that) and when I find the right guy (which I will), I know this time around my story will be a totally different.



Despite the huge disappointment I had with Edward in the brief time we were together (if I can define it as that), I did what I used to do with other guys, I kept communicating with him. In other words, I was the one who continued putting the effort of having anything, if that, going.

The difference was I wasn’t pursuing him continuously. I would call him once in a while to find out how he and his children were doing. I would even ask him how things with the chick from the party were doing.

Turns out they were still dating, but he wouldn’t talk much about it. His divorce was still ongoing and was taking longer than it needed to be, so he just wanted to get that resolved first and then worry about what happened later.

Interesting part was I wasn’t feeling much when we discussed his love life. I think the circumstances of all that happened simply closed by emotions to him.

I was content with the relationship we were having, even if it was only through a phone. Sometimes he would invite me to the dog park to hang out with him, kids and pet on any given Sunday afternoon.

They were pleasant, stress-free moments. Still, I would look at all that and wondered if I had let a good opportunity pass me by. After all, he had all that I wanted from a man, all except feelings for him that would motivate me to try to pursue a relationship.

I would try to imagine myself as his companion and being part of his kids’ life, but there was something that wasn’t connecting it all together.

There was no spark or something that pushed me towards him. Yes, it was all weird. How was it possible that of all the guys I met I would feel something, but not towards him?

Was it that I tried so hard to make it right that I actually made it all wrong? Did I become my own worst enemy, literally?

And before I could actually answer my own questions, it all came down to an end in an instant.

It was another day at the dog park. I don’t remember if I called him (probably did) and when I got there, the chick from the party was also there. We both looked at each other as if we were having an out of body experience.

Edward didn’t seem to understand how uncomfortable the situation was, especially me who had no business being there. Even more, the way they behaved clearly showed they were already an item. He literally took me to the dogs and it was time for me to talk a walk far away from there.

After that day I believe I stopped communicating with him all together. From time to time I would see his posts and she would always be at his side.

They were always traveling somewhere (kids included) and the locations were ones any woman would love to go to.

I would again wonder if I had made a mistake with him. Damn, that could have been me in all those photos.

I was feeling envious, but more of the relationship they were having (which I didn’t have) and the allure of traveling the world.

Reality is, all that may sound very romantic, but if you don’t feel anything for the other person, you will not enjoy any of it. That has happened to me before, so, believe me, I know what I’m saying.

Let’s just say this flight has landed and will not take this route (with him) ever again.



All right, I have written more than what I should have, but it just happened that all these thoughts came to mind and I just needed to write them down.

It was a feeling of having a mental clutter that finally got cleaned out. I know it was more of an emotional thing, but truly both went together. It was an organized chaos that has been building up these past few years that had to be released.

It’s almost like those moments when people release those small hot air balloons when they finally let go and set themselves free.

I think he replied to me about 2 days later in the same fashion as he has done for some time: He uses his cell phone, writes late in the evening (probably so not to be seen), with some sentences that have a few typos for being written fast.

“Hey, I didn’t mean that our friendship would be over, just that I would stay for a while so things can level out for me. My intentions are to be your friend and to stay that way. I care about you and am always wishing good things for you,” said he.

“Like I said to you,” replied I, “if I don’t make the effort here, nothing will happen. So after this message is sent and I don’t hear from you, I will consider it as the end of anything and everything. You’re welcome to write to me, but not expecting it. I’m not really into this ‘I want you, but don’t want you’ deal. Either you do or you don’t. I don’t hate you and have no regrets, but this is as far as I will go. Like you’re doing I should do as well, move on.”

As I was writing these last words, I was torn between anger and sadness. Anger because I’ve kept holding on to guys, distancing me from them promising myself not to contact them, let some time pass by, start missing them, then deciding to reach out to them for whatever reason, to finally find myself rejected and disappointed over and over.

Sadness because he becomes another guy in my life whose come and gone, never to be heard for some time, if ever. I feel heartbroken mostly because what I felt for him was unique from all others and you never know if you’ll be able to shake it all off.

Then there’s the part of the “ifs”, especially if we had ended up together. I know the answer to this, but every so often I just have to remind myself, no, it wasn’t meant to happen. Why was that it’s beyond anyone’s control. Still, sometimes I just wished a try were given.

Since my last email I haven’t heard from him. For the first time I haven’t felt guilty of what I’ve said, nor contacted him to give it another try of making things better (for me).

I’m quite at peace at the whole experience and maybe now I can leave it behind me.

What if he reaches out to me? I will hear what he has to say and then I will say what I need to say. Then I will probably keep doing what I’m doing as if nothing has happened.

I will probably get sad, maybe cry, and will want for some feelings to come back, but, no, I have to move ahead.

I will wish him the best now and later, and in the quietness of my life I will secretly thank him for coming back to my life because without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.



It sucks being at work and then getting an email like this one later in the day when you’re ‘brain drained’ and just want your workday to be over and go home.

Knowing how I have evolved throughout the years, not that I needed to think over what I would say or would respond to it; I just didn’t want to use certain words that I don’t normally use.

If I already have decided to end for good whatever was happening because both of us, there was no need to communicate your thoughts in a way it’s not you.

I wanted to convey that I am confident in my position and feelings, not that his behavior has brought the ugly side of me. And that’s not what I want to be remembered for.

Unfortunately that’s how humans are; we remember the bad as small as it may be. We may do good for the longest time, and then we stumble and everyone takes notice. It doesn’t matter if the good outweighs the other; you’re recognized for how deep you fell.

‘Regarding you unfriending me, it came as no surprise. Truth is me being an old girlfriend is not the problem here regarding your relationship.

It has to do with the wife and her insecurities that I’m going to tear the two of you apart. I’m a threat to her and she needs to erase anything that’s considered to be that.

It happened to me when I was married. My a-hole ex made it clear that he didn’t want me having nothing to do with my male friends even when they were just that, friends.

It made me so miserable and isolated, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t about what was the right thing for the marriage; it was all about him and he alone.

I was lucky that my friends forgave and supported me because they love me as the true person I have always been to them.

I’ll tell you this, when the years go by and your daughter grows up and moves away, and you find yourself all alone with or without your spouse, then you will realize what a mistake it was to have let go of all the people that truly loved you. By that time I will have forgotten about you and not really interested in listening to what you have to say.

Let me ask you, would you have done the same if I were in a relationship? You and I know the answer very well.

And regarding this friendship proposal you always present to me, fact is, I’ve been the one who have been writing and reaching out to you.

This means that once I discontinue doing so, because I know you won’t, that’s it; it’s over. You’re not just unfriending me for a while, it’s for good.

Like with other guys I’ve met, if I’m not the one making the effort here, nothing happens.

So, good luck with your life because you will need it.’



A couple of weeks passed by after the ‘daughter’ incident and everything seemed to go back to normal, that is, when I stayed away from writing anything on his profile.

I was keeping it low as much as I could and was just putting posts which content was pretty plain and harmless. They pretty much reflected the sentiment of what other people would say.

I could see that there were other females posting, so I thought this all unintended attention would eventually go away. But that’s not what was happening.

I learned through an email of him that the wife and daughter were still wondering who I was. I couldn’t understand why me of all the other women.

But him saying that I was an old girlfriend, combined with my apparent good looks, I was standing out way too much.

To be honest here, I didn’t find myself being above the other women I saw on his profile.

I did make positive comments on his daughter’s photos. She has been blossoming into a beautiful lady and I was happy for him.

He had always been concerned about giving her a stable home environment and the love she really deserved, two situations he felt he didn’t have when growing up.

I know pictures may speak more than a thousand words, but can be easily deceiving, but my feeling was that his daughter was indeed growing up to be what he had worked so hard for.

But my other feeling was that his attention was more devoted to the daughter than the significant other. Mix that with my presence online and his past stories that things between them are not that well, and you have a conflict that all points to him.

It blew out of proportion in such a way that one day I got an email that I knew would inevitably happen.

‘Hey, I am going to unfriend you. My wife has been questioning much about you. Please don’t take it personal. I am still your friend and I hope we continue to be. I’m not cutting ties here completely, just for a while until things calm down. I know you will understand.’

When I read it, I was upset that I was going through this again, but now thinking that I was fed up of being looked at as if I was a bad person who is complicating other people’s lives.

I have arrived to such a point in my life personally and with guys that I really have no patience for situations like this, even when I know what the truth here is.

I mean, I still appreciate and feel for him, but my emotions towards him completely come to a halt. I have been dragging on this situation with him for far too long and it’s time to close this chapter and move on, just like he has done.

No tears, no regrets, no questioning of decisions; just keeping him as part of my past and leaving it there.



This is what basically has been happening. Every so often I write him an email when I get reminded of him because I hear his first name.

The subject line always reads like, ‘Can I get you off my mind?’ or ‘You became present again’.

The content of the mail describes the incident of how I remembered him, that all I want is to really forget him, and don’t understand why the universe is playing games with me on this.

He sometimes replies that he’s sort of a force that refuses to go away from my life and it‘s interesting how his presence is remembered.

He always mentions that he’s my friend and he hopes our friendship continues, and that life will gift me with a worthy relationship.

Other times he doesn’t reply at all. Maybe it’s an overkill that I write about the same thing every time. Most probably is that he’s telling me nicely that we need to move on.

If you look at the replies closely, he never talks about us. It’s about me thinking about him, and he finding an explanation of why they occur.

He replies because he has to, especially to back-up his friendship argument. But it’s clear I’ve been stretching this situation for far too long.

The same goes for his social media profile. I was devastated when he closed it. I thought it all had to do with me.

It was months later when he reactivated it. I felt as if I had reconnected with him. But then, instead of me ‘staying away’, I continued writing posts in his profile.

I recently got a request from his daughter. I got nervous because I felt exposed as if the world knew who I was.

I told him about it, and his wife and daughter were questioning him who I was. He told them that I was and old college girlfriend.

Regardless of what the truth is or not, I created a huge problem for him and it’s not going away unless a change is made.

So what did I do? Of course I declined the request and stood back for a while. But as soon as I go online and read his posts, I get the impulse of writing something.

Sadly, all that I’m doing is looking for some acknowledgement from him that he still thinks about me.

I’m surprised he hasn’t cut me off all together. Whatever the reason for him doing that, both the universe and him are sending out this message from afar of what I should do.

And if I’m always reaching out to the outer limits for guidance and advice, why am I ignoring the huge, visible crater that’s in front of me?



I’ve been doing something for some time that I shouldn’t be, and it has been reaching out to this former college love interest when I know well I shouldn’t be.

Every so often I send him an email, especially when I’m sad, have a guy issue, or just simply want to have someone to listen to me on whatever matter is causing me to feel upset towards life in general.

The real sad part about this is that if he replies, he usually does it from his phone, using incorrect grammar because he’s obviously writing in a rush.

He always apologizes for doing it quickly because there’s always something going on in his life (meaning his family) and time is limited.

The end part of the message always has the same tone; he repeats that he’s my friend and hopes we continue to be, wishes me good things, and that all works out for me.

The last entry means that I find a guy that appreciates who I am and that finally stays with me for the long haul.

This may all sound great, but it hasn’t fulfilled the emotional need that still clings me to him. As much as I was trying to forget him all together, something always reminds me of him, especially when I hear his first name.

It is so ridiculous, I raise my head up looking for him as if he was to magically appear.

The other thing I do is check my emails constantly after I send him one, waiting for his reply. I can read it loud and clear, but don’t want to read between the lines.

It translates that he’s doing it because he feels sorry for me. He always wishes me well and that I find the guy deserving for me because he tries to make me feel better towards the lousy situation I’m going through.

It’s like getting a second place prize. I know what his situation is, but I get disappointed that he doesn’t respond that way I want to. I want him to tell that somewhere within him he still feels something for me.

I’m behaving like a juvenile, hoping the universe will play its part to turn things around the way I wished for.

What’s wrong with me? After all these years and what I’ve gone through, I should have learned my lesson already.

Yes, we may still communicate via email, he re-opened his profile on social media and I became his friend again.

But his wife and daughter are seeing what I post (again, why am I doing it when I know it?) and I’m exposed to all other people within their list.

I may be single and available to do whatever I want, but I’m stretching it so far that I’m making a fool of myself.

Actually, I’m probably pushing to be considered something unpleasant, like a bitch and idiot who has no clue that my behavior is totally unacceptable.

Definitely not a nice picture to put yourself into.



et cetera
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