Looking Back 49 – Well done

The next day, Sunday, I woke up trying not to think about the incidents that had occurred the previous days. I try to do that with a daily routine of making coffee, picking up the bed, have breakfast, wash the dishes, get ready and go, either to work or run errands.

I couldn’t go to church the day before because of a heavy downpour that kept me at home. I definitely needed some spiritual distraction. His comments had touched a nerve with me on issues I have worked really hard to resolve. Even more, I was determined not to have anyone or anything disrupt my tranquility.

All these single years have been about me and I was not going to revert of losing who I was now as a person. It had taken me a lot of effort to develop an outside shell that just repelled all attacks or negativity that came my way.

He may be done with me and so do I with him, but there was something for me to say to be really that.

‘BTW, every time I reach out to you you’re busy. Then you appear out of nowhere and expect me to drop everything to be with you?’ text I.

‘Emma, I am busy. I have multiple businesses. No big deal. Just don’t bust my balls to come to Miami. I had a limo all weekend and could have come to you, although my suite is way nicer and more comfy. I could have sent the car for you. It didn’t work out. I’m not a planner…just the way I am.’

‘Fine but that’s how I operate. If you had told me ahead of time would have been better. My life may seem bland to you but it’s mine and I’m fine with it. It was very hurtful from your part bringing out my ex.’

‘All good. I need to get on a private jet now. You’re hung up on that. Let it go. It’s holding your life back.’

‘That’s my problem, not yours.’

‘And I let it go. So there. You’re the one always bringing it up.’

First of all, the suite you were may be awesome for you, but you’re been very rude downgrading my place. In fact, you’re been a total dick. I’m very comfy here, even when watching reruns. It’s my little kingdom and wouldn’t change it. And if your ‘balls’ aren’t into coming my way, why should I move mine for you?

Second, that I bring the ex up, really? When? We never talk. You’re always busy. You said it yourself. Again, had I complied with doing exactly as he wanted, nothing of this ‘conversation’ would have been said.

Third, you say you’re not a planner? Guess what, neither do I. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m desperate to have sex with the first guy that comes along. You do with your life the same I do, whatever I want.

The limo suite and else sounds very inviting, but they feel as shallow as you, because there’s no feelings in them, other than fulfilling your needs.

You’re treating me as one of your other ‘toys’ that you have at you disposition to use whenever you want. You might think you can turn me ‘on’ whenever you want, but you’re really turn me ‘off’ time and again.

And as usual, the battle of words happened, but I was glad I said what I said.

I left my apartment very peaceful. It was a feeling that after today there would be no more communications between us both.

It was as if I had finally closed the chapter with this one and I’m glad it did. I felt stronger, more confident as a woman, and that’s all worth it.

So you see ‘beach guy’, I did take my life back as you told me to, but you’re no longer in it because I let go of what I really needed to: you. Done.

Looking Back 35 – Shifting gears

“Hey, do you want some dinner,” asked I. “You’re probably hungry and you still have to drive some more later.” The ‘beach guy’ agreed to that, besides, I was hungry too.

“Do you mind if I quickly dried my hair?” (What? You thought I would go anywhere looking somewhat ‘disorganized’?)

We agreed on a pizza place close by. My hair just needed some blow-drying and the location was casual, meaning I could get ready pretty fast.

I was concentrated on my hair looking at the bathroom mirror when, all of a sudden, he stands next to me. I felt like an apparition had just occurred and was I scared!

“Holy! What are you doing??”

“I just wanted to see you blow-dry your hair.”

“You scared the living daylights out of me!” It was that bad, I had to turn the blower off and face the other way for at least a minute before composing myself.

“Why did you get scared?” asked he.

“I don’t have that many visitors…” I didn’t want to say ‘men’ because I didn’t want to come across as my life has been completely deprived of that. Also, didn’t want to give away that I’ve had many situations with men, but just wanted to keep it to myself.

Besides, what’s so interesting about watching a woman blow-dry her hair? He kept looking at me as if I was doing something he’s never witnessed before.

Seriously, this guy is a doctor and is prepared to handle the worst imaginable situations. So what’s the deal with mine? Something where there’s no blood involved?

I looked back at myself on the mirror and felt different. I was looking at myself, inside and out, from a new perspective.

I didn’t felt uncomfortable, more like flattered that a guy was intrigued on what I was doing.

I put some make-up on and ran quickly to my closet to get dressed. I closed my bedroom door because it was the right thing to do. Nothing has happened before and certainly I was allowing anything to happen now.

I chose a dress and some heels, which now made me even taller than him.

“Wow, look at you, you look nice,” said he.

“Thanks,” replied I. I felt more like saying ‘I know’ because I knew that, in spite all that I’ve gone through, I looked real good.

We drove in my car and he was excited of seeing a woman drive a ‘stick shift’ vehicle. “I find a woman driving one very sexy,” said he.

I was once again flattered by his remark, but something remarkable happened. I went back in time when he took me for a drive in his Fiat.

I always wondered how it would feel if the roles were reversed. What did I feel? Towards he, nothing. Regarding myself, being on the pilot’s seat with full control of the situation, totally awesome.

I was glad this meeting finally happened to conclude this whole situation with him. But, above all, it confirmed that I’m so over him and quite calm about it.

‘Moving forward’, what gear should I shift for the rest of the night?