The New M.E. Generation

{January 8, 2009}   A Spring Break in the Fall 23 – Falling from grace

After lunch, Dina and I for some reason decided to separate for a while, but we agreed that sometime of what remained of the afternoon, we would meet to do water skiing.

Of all the other things I could have invested my time at (active or not), I had personal reasons for trying water skiing above anything else. I had an issue related to my marriage that I was still pending to give closure to.

I believe it was around the 5th year of my marriage. It was my ‘x’, a couple and me, in a 20’ boat. Everyone on board had done it before except me, and I could not get up on the skies. Every time the rope pulled, I quickly let go of it.

My ‘x,’ who was, and still is, highly competitive in sports, and an extreme overachiever in life and career, was someone who for the longest time I admired and hoped to emulate.

The problem is, it will never happen. In other words, being associated with someone who doesn’t understand why the rest of the world can’t be like him (‘if it worked for me, why can’t you do the same?’), leads to so-so results.

Translation: even if I had a performance worthy of a gold medal, I learned the hard way it would have never been good enough. Why? He was measuring me against his standards and not looking at me for who I really was.

There was another reason for not holding on to that rope: I had a suspicion I was pregnant.

We had been trying for some time via treatment and my cycle was delayed (somewhat). My doctor also said that if I conceived, my pregnancies were to be high-risk, including that of miscarrying.

And knowing his ‘affairs of the mind,’ as well of my doctor’s, if my suspicion was true, and later on the inevitable occurred, I knew he would take the day’s event and turn it against me.

My suspicion was wrong though. I did get pregnant, eventually, but unfortunately, also miscarried.

My ‘x’ never fully admitted it to me, but I know he blamed me in part for it. He thought I did something that contributed to it. Like? That doesn’t matter now.

What matters now is that nothing is stopping me in getting my life back. Watch me!


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