The New M.E. Generation











{March 2, 2015}   Looking Back 42 – Total unrecall

‘And it’s about a 3 ½ hour drive. And I’m falling asleep,’ text I.

‘Good night Mimi,’ replied he.

‘Another toy? Wrong chick. And you have a new girlfriend.’

‘Ha. I have no GF. I have called you that before. Yes I have a crap load of cars.’

‘When did you called me that?’

‘High school. You don’t remember?’

‘There’s a crap load of things about you that I still don’t. How and why did you come up with that name?’

‘IDK. I can’t believe you don’t remember!!’

‘Sorry; trying really hard. There had to be reason you gave the name to me. You don’t do anything for nothing.’

‘I think you asked me to call you that. It was sort of a love nickname.’

‘No one has ever given me a nickname, not even family. I was insecure back then, so I doubt I would’ve asked you for anything.’

The texting stopped at that point. It was late, but couldn’t fall asleep. The name thing was circling my mind and as hard as I thought about it, the recollection was not happening.

But it helped to make sense of other feelings I have felt. I would bet anything he gave me the name, which probably made me feel special and that I was more than just a friend. It’s almost a girlfriend feeling, but perhaps that I was part of his life.

My adolescence was difficult, especially the relationship with my mom, and among that chaos I thought someone loved me. Having a nickname symbolized the person I wished I could have been and probably what I thought he expected of me.

I wasn’t happy with my life, so being with someone I thought had feelings for me was all I could ask for, and having another name made me different and set me aside from everyone else.

Now I understand the conflicting memories of what we actually were. This guy probably felt something for me, but not to a level of considering me anything other than this playful girl who liked hanging out at the beach with him.

Me, on the other hand, would feel too much for other guys because I was looking for the affection I wasn’t getting at home. That’s why it was so hard for me to take when he graduated and never looked for me afterwards. Maybe my mind has deleted or archived all this to avoid feeling again all the pain I felt because of it.

So what am I feeling about this forgotten name? ‘Mimi’ sounds almost like ‘me me’. I like how it sounds. I could approach it that it’s all about me now, how I’ve turned my life around and made it all mine.

Mimi might have resurfaced from the deep, but what washed back to shore looks pretty bright and polished.

Am I totally back? No, but for today, that’s good enough for me.

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