The New M.E. Generation











{May 23, 2016}   The Ex-Friend 36 – Not forgiving

After this confusing weekend, this guy and I continued communicating, but in a limited way. He was either working all the time, and whatever free time he had was basically to run errands or go to church, where he was again in prayer groups or activities until late hours of the night.

The next incident that we had together some time after was that I copied him a text message that another guy I’ve been having an ‘on and off’ relationship had sent me. The situation with this other guy was that he would get upset with me either because of something I said, or as a result of my actions or behavior towards him. Whenever I said ‘no’ to him (like going out), this second guy would get really mad and would vent out everything that he hated about me via texting.

Even worse, the guy would write that he didn’t want me in his life any more, to later look for me again. Instead of me cutting ties with him, I would get into this very bad vibe of questioning myself that really took me to a negative place, and agreed to see him again, to try to make things better, to which encounters would fail over and over.

On this particular occasion, I got his text during a work day and had to hide my face so people would not see me cry. I was so sad and confused I tried calling my friend for support, to which he didn’t answer, and even ask him for his opinion to the text, to which he completely ignored the whole day, in spite me telling him I was emotionally not doing good.

When my then friend finally called me back, I was driving home from work, and he had this very, very, angry tone of voice. It felt like some diabolic spirit had taken over him.

“The reason why this is happening to you of having problems with guys, or not having a boyfriend, is because you haven’t forgiven you ex spouse,” said he.

Now I was the one who became really angry and demonic. “WTF??? You know what? I don’t have to, because I forgave him so many times, and he still cheated on me, disrespected me, gave him a second chance when he separated from me the first time, put up with things that you have no idea about.

He doesn’t deserve being forgiven because I did it so much, he got used to it as an entitlement and he didn’t appreciate my gestures. He doesn’t know what forgiveness really means and how valuable that is when someone gives it to you. He needs to remember how much pain he caused me, so hopefully that sticks in his head and maybe create some change in him.

I have lived all my life pleasing other people or doing what they expect of me. They are happy when I do, but don’t care if I’m not. If I say ‘no’ to others, then I’m the one with the attitude problem or the bitch. If I do as they comply, everything seems to run well; there’s no arguments, confrontations, fights, but reality is all is not good.

And did that help me with my marriage? No! My ex still divorced and remarried within a few months. Besides, who are you to tell me this when you have never forgiven your father or sister??” concluded I.

When he heard the last part, he got stuck on his words because he knew what I said backfired at him. Here he was trying to preach me his religious fanaticism to make me look bad and he be the ‘omnipotent’.

He kept arguing with me trying to win, only to find I wasn’t keeping quiet, or backing down, and snapping at him any argument he said.

The sad part about this is that he never apologized with me. He used to give me advice, listen, comfort me. Now he was just a bitter, angry, stubborn, closed minded, hypocritical, manipulative man.

Me, it has taken me a lot of effort and tears to get to a better emotional state, and wasn’t going to allow anyone to ruin it, even if it was at the expense of our friendship. Besides, he was the one to blame for all this mess.

And forgive for what I’m about to say: have you ever thought that maybe the reason why everything is not working out for you is because you are doing things the wrong way? Doing what the church or bible says is no guarantee that place in heaven you think so much you have earned will happen for you.

To forgive someone else is a privilege. In reality, one has to do the forgiveness to oneself and ‘disconnect’ from the other person as much as possible. This is what I did in my case; I came to terms that in spite all that I did to save my marriage, my ‘x’did everything to destroy it.

I don’t want to forgive him because I want those emotions inside of me to be a reminder that I will never again allow any other guy to do to me what my ‘x’ did. I know it’s not the Catholic way, but my way, the one that will give me the peace and strength to move on, which is what the One above want us to have.

Does this all mean I won’t forgive this guy? Let’s put it this way: “eso no sirve” (not worth it) is another quote of his that he used to use when he gave me his opinion about guys I’ve known. So, then, if I ‘practice what he preaches’, then you know what the answer is.

 

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