The New M.E. Generation











{July 31, 2017}   Unauthorized Biography 5 – In a blink

The next important event that had a major effect on my life was the first time that my parents separated. I was still a child when one night they were sitting at the table talking. Even the green tablecloth we used on it was there. I remember it clearly like a photograph.

My brother and I were playing or something in his room, when they called us. We were both standing on the opposite side of them. My dad was the one who delivered the news that they would be living apart. I became frozen and confused to what I was hearing and became paralyzed. I couldn’t even blink my eyes.

My dad then said that we could go back to our room. My brother and I left quickly and sat on the floor crying. We didn’t hug or comfort each other, neither did my parents. There was no further discussion of what would happen next.

My childhood for me had ended and I grew up in an instant. But I didn’t know how to channel the emotions. It was a very isolating feeling.

The way I kept going was having a routine of school, being with grandparents, spending weekends with my dad, camp during summers. Anything that kept me away from home and mentally busy from thinking about it. Detaching was the way to go.

There was also this sense of awkwardness, because my parents were the only ones I knew that were in this situation. All other couples were together and seemed to be doing fine. I hated that because I didn’t have what everyone else did.

I had no self-esteem or sense of who I was. The four of us (mom, dad, brother, me),  instead of supporting each other, were living separate lives. Thus, I didn’t had the guidance expected from your parents and sibling most of the time, leaving me to figure out things on my own. I was lucky, though, that other family members provided some of what I lacked.

Incredibly enough, I didn’t became rebellious or adopted bad behaviors for coping. The opportunities were there, but some divine force kept me away from them.

But the lack of affection was my downfall. My dad did his best the times we were together. My mom had to go back to work and left me in charge of the house (no responsibilities for my brother), which was a big load for me considering I was only 13. If she was mistreating me before, now it was worse, because she was venting her additional frustrations on me.

My brother wasn’t providing the male guidance I hoped for. His attention was directed at his friends and himself. He could do whatever he wanted and mom would let him. Me, she cared more that things were done at home than my own needs. (Thank goodness for my ex-friend; see story of same name.)

Even though my dad was active in our lives (my parents had a cordial relationship; he could come visit any time he wanted; there were no arrangements for weekends, etc.), he wasn’t all aware of the environment at home. He continued his parental duties, but mom was in charge.

So basically I was existing and doing what others expected of me, assuming it would make things less complicated (for them, yes; me, no). What one can only do is just wait for the day when all will be over, telling yourself you’ll never be like them or make their same mistakes. That you will rise from it all and life will be so much different for yourself. I was so wrong.

You see, we’re doomed to repeat the past no matter what. Like I said before, you came to this world and have no control of it. Whatever negative your parents do will fuck up your life for good.

That we can change or make things different later on, well, one can only hope.

 

 

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