The New M.E. Generation

Life for me went back to normal and I followed what I decided upon, which was to close communication with Edward. I would sometimes write a comment on his posts, but no emails or phone calls were made.

I would say at least a year or more went by when I got to see something about him again. It was early in the year and, there they were, the two of them, kissing, at their wedding.

Yep, he married the party chick. It totally took me by surprise, as I don’t recall reading anything about the engagement. People were congratulating him for the good news, so it seems he kept it quiet.

The ceremony was held outdoors in a garden area. In my opinion, both were dressed appropriately, not too much or too under whelmed, but no photos of reception. It seems it was a small and intimate ceremony with only the closest people attending.

I kept looking at the picture when I got an email from the girl who introduced us.

“What do think of Edward getting married?” asked she.

“Hip hip hooray?” replied I.

I really didn’t have an answer for her or me. I was happy for him, sort of, as the questioning about the past resurfaced. It wasn’t really about ‘losing a possible catch’, I was disappointed that other people (guys especially) were moving on, getting married, etc., and I was still single.

Why is it that others are lucky and I haven’t experienced a love relationship with someone else?

Fast forward about another year or so later, and I got to see Edward and entourage with other surprising news, they were expecting a baby.

I again thought to myself, “that could have been me”, but my emotions were really linked to wanting what other people had and wondering if it would ever happen with me.

Some months later a baby boy was born and it was quite cute. It definitely looked like him; if I would have been the mom, I saw how it would have looked like.

I was again sort of happy for him, but not personally that now there were 4 kids altogether. I’ve always wanted to experience motherhood, but one child would be just fine. Raising children that are not mine, I don’t know how I would handle it.

The last, last thing I read about him was that he moved to the west coast to a location that looked very country. Now that’s definitely something that’s not for me. Don’t get me wrong; the place is beautiful, but dealing with cold weather more than half of the year, thank you, but no.

So, what am I feeling now? Relieved. It was now clear to me why this relationship never occurred: I wouldn’t have liked to move, or go through such a huge change, because it would have made me unhappy.

I know you’re supposed to sacrifice for your loved ones, but I did that once, living life for others, but if they don’t make sacrifices for you, an unbalance is created and the relationship suffers.

What if I met someone and I had to relocate again to make it work? Would I let the opportunity pass me by?

Let’s say I will worry about that when it happens (if that) and when I find the right guy (which I will), I know this time around my story will be a totally different.

Despite the huge disappointment I had with Edward in the brief time we were together (if I can define it as that), I did what I used to do with other guys, I kept communicating with him. In other words, I was the one who continued putting the effort of having anything, if that, going.

The difference was I wasn’t pursuing him continuously. I would call him once in a while to find out how he and his children were doing. I would even ask him how things with the chick from the party were doing.

Turns out they were still dating, but he wouldn’t talk much about it. His divorce was still ongoing and was taking longer than it needed to be, so he just wanted to get that resolved first and then worry about what happened later.

Interesting part was I wasn’t feeling much when we discussed his love life. I think the circumstances of all that happened simply closed by emotions to him.

I was content with the relationship we were having, even if it was only through a phone. Sometimes he would invite me to the dog park to hang out with him, kids and pet on any given Sunday afternoon.

They were pleasant, stress-free moments. Still, I would look at all that and wondered if I had let a good opportunity pass me by. After all, he had all that I wanted from a man, all except feelings for him that would motivate me to try to pursue a relationship.

I would try to imagine myself as his companion and being part of his kids’ life, but there was something that wasn’t connecting it all together.

There was no spark or something that pushed me towards him. Yes, it was all weird. How was it possible that of all the guys I met I would feel something, but not towards him?

Was it that I tried so hard to make it right that I actually made it all wrong? Did I become my own worst enemy, literally?

And before I could actually answer my own questions, it all came down to an end in an instant.

It was another day at the dog park. I don’t remember if I called him (probably did) and when I got there, the chick from the party was also there. We both looked at each other as if we were having an out of body experience.

Edward didn’t seem to understand how uncomfortable the situation was, especially me who had no business being there. Even more, the way they behaved clearly showed they were already an item. He literally took me to the dogs and it was time for me to talk a walk far away from there.

After that day I believe I stopped communicating with him all together. From time to time I would see his posts and she would always be at his side.

They were always traveling somewhere (kids included) and the locations were ones any woman would love to go to.

I would again wonder if I had made a mistake with him. Damn, that could have been me in all those photos.

I was feeling envious, but more of the relationship they were having (which I didn’t have) and the allure of traveling the world.

Reality is, all that may sound very romantic, but if you don’t feel anything for the other person, you will not enjoy any of it. That has happened to me before, so, believe me, I know what I’m saying.

Let’s just say this flight has landed and will not take this route (with him) ever again.

I didn’t wake up in such a good mood the next morning. Although I had come to a conclusion about what happened last night, I’m still dwelling on it. I couldn’t get a hold of George or Mark, so I decided to talk it over with Dina over the phone.

“I honestly don’t find anything offensive in what he said. It seems to me that’s how he is and expresses himself,” said Dina. “I also think you’re taking things way too personal.”

“I just didn’t like it, period. I’m having such a hard time dealing with anything related to guys since my break-up,” I told Dina.

“I suggest that, for now, you figure out what you want in regards to him,” concluded Dina.

I ended my conversation with her and just when I’m deciding whether or not to speak to Edward, sure enough he called me.

“Are you still mad at me? I apologize for whatever you’re upset about,” he said.

“My anger has nothing to do with you. This divorce has affected me in such a way, I’ve created a wall in front of me so I don’t get hurt again,” I said.

“Emma, our former spouses left us and we are both carrying a lot of baggage on our shoulders right now,” said he.

“At least you have your kids. What do I have?” I said.

“I love my kids more than anything, but there’s moments when I don’t even have time for myself. What you have is no attachments, a chance to start with a clean slate,” said he.

“I guess…”

“You and I have to give ourselves the chance of being with someone else if that occurs,” said Edward.

“I’m not interested in you right now if that’s what you’re implying,” I answered.

“Are you then asking me to step out of your life?” asked he.

“Just be my friend, if that’s possible,” I concluded.

After this conversation, Edward and I saw each other one more time at another Halloween party at a couple’s house he is friends with. A girl that attended was so all over him, that you could tell, if given the chance, she would have hit the sack with him.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Edward would ask me when the girl detached from him from time to time.

“You tell me. What are you going to do about her?”

“I don’t know. After all this time, it’s flattering to get this much attention,” he concluded. (How about taking her to your place and getting it over with, duh!)

Around midnight I sat by myself on a patio chair that gives a view of the house’s whole backyard. I felt traveling back in time to those years when I held the Halloween parties at my former residence. Too many memories crossed my mind and sadness engulfed me. It had been far too many costume changes for me already.

‘I don’t want to feel these sad emotions any more,’ I told myself.

I then looked at Edward. He’s dancing very close with the chick and really enjoying himself, or so he seemed. Um, I could be in her shoes right now.

I then left the party without saying good-bye to anyone. It’s time for me to exit this show and look forward to a new character in my life.

I found Dina and Melanie and they’re talking to two guys. They asked me about Edward and I told them he had gone home. The three of us decided to wait some more before finally leaving.

We finally decided to leave some time later, and as we started to walk out the venue, I noticed that the guys Dina and Melanie were talking to are accompanying them.

Well, this definitely sucks!

We all approached Melanie’s car, and before we aboard it, she wonders if we can all fit in it. “Hey, the more the merrier,” I said. I sat next to the door and looked out the window; I’m the only one here with no guy next to me and I feel like an idiot.

When I got back to my apartment, I sat down on the rug at the entrance of my room. I’m still wearing my costume.

It’s past 1am and I’m in desperate need to talk to somebody, but it’s too late to do so. All I was able to do was stare at the ceiling and cry. I was so miserable.

I’m mad at Edward, my life and everything else in between. I don’t remember for how long I sat there.

Some time later I changed my clothes and watched some TV before going to bed. I needed to figure out what to make of this night.

I couldn’t pay much attention to what I was watching, but at around 2am I finally concluded what’s going on with me: I’m not ready yet to get close with anybody or for a relationship. As hard as it sounded to tell myself this, I had to accept that this is my reality.

So what am I supposed to do now? For starters, I need to keep going out and enjoying myself, but without stressing over if I meet a guy or not. Maybe if I just let go of this issue I might actually end up meeting someone. All right, I’ll give it a try.

And what about Edward? I’ll take care of that tomorrow. It has been too much of a freaky night, and early morning, for me already.

I’m wrestling with everyone and everything to get inside the mansion when the rain gets really nasty. I’m trying to reach one of the entrances when I realized security is not allowing people to go inside for being overcrowded. Luckily Edward came out and I recognized him; he’s dressed like a German soldier and had made believe bullet shots in his face that are dripping blood.

I asked him to follow me and we managed to walk around until I found Dina and Melanie. We all hanged out for a while and, like in a horror movie, Dina and Melanie disappeared once again without a trace. The party is about an hour away of being over, so Edward and I decided to dance what’s left of it.

While on the dance floor, this guy that is dressed up as a fireman gets close and tries to dance with me. I politely let him knew that I was with another person and he eventually moved away.

The party ended at midnight. Oddly enough, as soon as it ended, so did the rain.

Because of the amount of people present, Edward suggested waiting for some of them to leave before exiting the venue. We sat on the steps of one of the mansion’s entrances watching people go by.

Little did I know that my hair-raising experience of the night was about to happen.

“Why didn’t you dance with the fireman?” asked Edward.
“Because I’m here with you and would have been incorrect to do so,” I responded.

He then had the costume change I didn’t want to get a ‘treat’ for.

“Is there anyone in your life that puts out your fire?” he proceeded to ask.

I turned my face away from him and grind my teeth. My body temperature rose to a boiling point, turning my skin color redder than that of my costume, and smoke came out of my ears. My costume change then became that of a dragon, ready to shoot fire at him.

“A penny for your thoughts, a dime or maybe a quarter,” he said. “Emma, please talk to me.”

“If you want to sleep with me, why don’t you just say it already Edward?? I’m a very private person and… You know what, I don’t need to be explaining myself to you.” I felt like crying and can’t wait to leave.

“I meant no harm in what I said,” said Edward. “I apologize if I’ve hurt you.”
At this point I’m not talking or looking at him any longer.
“Look, I need to get home; the babysitter is waiting for my return.” Edward said good-bye and left.

I remained seated there motionless, staring nowhere. ‘Why did this happened to me?’ I asked myself. I got up and started walking to find Dina and Melanie. I want to go home.

The day of the 2008 Halloween party finally arrived. It had been raining the whole week and it looked like it was to continue for this event.

Dina came to my place to dress up and we helped each other with our make-up and costumes. I decided to stay with my Elektra costume; Dina’s black and pink pirate suit looked cute and feminine on her. We were to be picked up by Dina’s friend, Melanie, and drive together to the event.

I also invited a guy who I recently became friends with, Edward, to join us. We were introduced through a relative of mine who attended college with him. He is recently divorced like me, but with children, and I thought the party could be a good distraction during this transitional period in his life.

The three times we’ve seen each other have basically been meeting up somewhere. Things have evolved well so far and I’m hoping that we could at least remain friends. If there is a possibility of anything else in the future, I’ll let it happen by itself. In other words, I’m not pushing or expecting anything from him or life in general.

We agreed to meet later in the evening; he had his kids for the weekend and had to wait for the babysitter to arrive.

Melanie picked us up and she’s wearing as costume a female version of Robin Hood. (Isn’t this an action hero character?)

We arrived at the location and parked the car in the lot across the venue. We’re walking the grounds towards the event’s entrance when it starts to rain again. Luckily Melanie had brought an umbrella and the three of us are cramped together under it trying not to get too wet.

We arrived at the check-in point about 10 minutes before the event officially commenced, and all attendees are also standing in line crunched together under umbrellas as well. At 8pm sharp people were allowed to go in. The party was again held in the indoor center courtyard of the mansion and gardens. Part of the outdoor area was covered with tents as the year before.

As the night progressed, as well as the rain, more people got compacted in the covered areas, and puddles formed underneath the tents. It made it difficult for people to walk around, which took the fun away of admiring other people’s outfits, as well as the chance of meeting and socializing with others.

At moments it got to so bad, that I got separated twice from Dina and Melanie while we were trying to maneuver around people to reach one of the bars to get a drink. Even worse, there was no DJ or live music; it was prerecorded. Last year’s party had both, which provided alternatives for all tastes and ages.

You mean to tell me that I spent time and money to make it here and this is the entertainment? I’m not a happy camper and I’m making every effort to make the best of this night.

About two hours into the party Edward calls me on my mobile. I could barely hear him, but he had arrived and is looking for me inside the mansion. I tell Dina and Melanie that I’m going to find him and separated a third time from them. It’s pouring really bad and had to literally push people aside to be able to walk through.

I’m upset again. I can barely move and don’t know what Edward is wearing; he said it was a secret. How can I honestly find him in this tidal wave of people?

‘I could really use some superhero powers right now!’ I told myself. Can this night from hell become any more horrifying?

It’s about two weeks before the Halloween party and I haven’t followed-up with Dina regarding the plans for that night.

“So Dina, as what superhero are you finally dressing up as?” I asked her. “I chose Elektra.”

“I’m not; the costumes I tried on didn’t fit me well or were too expensive, so I’m borrowing one of a pirate,” said Dina.

“You mean to tell me that after I get the stupid costume online and the alteration costs me more than the actual outfit itself, you decided for something else without telling me?”

“And why did you buy yours so ahead of time?” she asked me.

“Because I have difficulty finding clothes that fit me. I have to take care of these things right away or risk not finding stuff my size!”

Here’s the deal, I’m around 5’4”, 120 pounds. My dress-up size usually starts in X-Small and with the overweight problem our nation is facing, choices for women like me are hard to find, unless I venture into ‘tween or junior clothing (sizes between 0-14), which style and look I’ve stopped wearing way many ages ago.

When I find shoes or clothes that fit me perfectly, I hang on to them like dear life. My clothes are such a part of my personality I have separation anxiety every time I give anything away.

“I’m telling you right now Dina, if we decide to go to the party next year, I’m dressing up as whatever I feel like. Don’t count on me for a group ensemble again,” I told her.

Um, maybe I should look for my sailor costume from last year and wear it again.

“This year we’re dressing up as female superheroes,” said Dina. “You can’t be Wonder Woman or Batgirl so you know.” (Oh boy!)

So what else is out there that serves as a positive role model? How about a female politician? Hey, it’s 2008 and an election year. That’s something to consider if anything else fails. Ok, it’s time to call my boys.

Survey says… (ding!) George: “Well, there is that idiotic Fantastic Four character, whatever her name is. Or you can try one of the Star Trek ones.” He enclosed photos for me to review.

“George, I’m not a Trekkie fan and these costumes are full bodysuits, meaning they’re going to be SUPER hot. I was sweating buckets last year. Besides, I don’t have the boobs to fill up neither of those chests.”

“I heard push-up bras work wonders.”

“Yeah, on Wonder Woman.”

Survey says…: Mark: ‘Cat Woman.’ Here we go again with the bodysuits.

“Mark, it’s too hot! Believe me that in this party, the ‘coolest’ outfits are those with the least material.”

“Ok then, Little Red Riding Hood.”

“What?? She got rid of the wolf in the story, but that doesn’t classify her as a superhero. Besides, that’s more of a couple’s costume.”

“I know, but there was this time when a friend of mine dressed up as her…”

“And you played the role of the wolf over the phone and engaged in an interesting conversation.”

“You got it. I will say this, if I was single, I would go to this party with you like we did back in the days. (HOOOWL) We would have so much fun!!!”

And I would live happily ever after.

The next day Steve inquired about me at work.

George had explained to me that his desk and that of Steve’s are closely located to one another. Steve has the habit of speaking to him while sitting at his desk, with his face so close to his work, his voice sounds like he is deep inside a hole.

George is deeply concentrated on a design when he hears a weird voice calling him.

“Oh, George…”
“Do you know where your friend is?”
“Somewhere in the city, that’s for sure.”

About an hour later…
“Has your friend called?”
“No, but I’m sure she’s just fine.”
“Just checking…”
“I appreciate your interest Steve.”
“Any time.”

About another hour later…
“Do you know anything about your friend?”
“No, Steve, but I assure you you’ll be the first to know when that happens.”
“Please make sure you tell me.”
“I’ll hold your word on that.”

When George and I are heading home, he tells me the Steve story, and I’m amused at my 15 minutes of fame.

“Emma, you don’t realize it, but you are a very beautiful person in every sense of the word. That guy left you because he couldn’t appreciate you for what you really are.

There is a reason why this all happened. I can’t answer that for you, but what I can surely say is that you deserve better than him.

I know there’s so much for you out there and that, one way or the other, you’ll get where you need to go.”

I started crying and turned my face to the window so he can’t see me doing so. “I know, George, I know.”

et cetera