The New M.E. Generation











All right, I have written more than what I should have, but it just happened that all these thoughts came to mind and I just needed to write them down.

It was a feeling of having a mental clutter that finally got cleaned out. I know it was more of an emotional thing, but truly both went together. It was an organized chaos that has been building up these past few years that had to be released.

It’s almost like those moments when people release those small hot air balloons when they finally let go and set themselves free.

I think he replied to me about 2 days later in the same fashion as he has done for some time: He uses his cell phone, writes late in the evening (probably so not to be seen), with some sentences that have a few typos for being written fast.

“Hey, I didn’t mean that our friendship would be over, just that I would stay for a while so things can level out for me. My intentions are to be your friend and to stay that way. I care about you and am always wishing good things for you,” said he.

“Like I said to you,” replied I, “if I don’t make the effort here, nothing will happen. So after this message is sent and I don’t hear from you, I will consider it as the end of anything and everything. You’re welcome to write to me, but not expecting it. I’m not really into this ‘I want you, but don’t want you’ deal. Either you do or you don’t. I don’t hate you and have no regrets, but this is as far as I will go. Like you’re doing I should do as well, move on.”

As I was writing these last words, I was torn between anger and sadness. Anger because I’ve kept holding on to guys, distancing me from them promising myself not to contact them, let some time pass by, start missing them, then deciding to reach out to them for whatever reason, to finally find myself rejected and disappointed over and over.

Sadness because he becomes another guy in my life whose come and gone, never to be heard for some time, if ever. I feel heartbroken mostly because what I felt for him was unique from all others and you never know if you’ll be able to shake it all off.

Then there’s the part of the “ifs”, especially if we had ended up together. I know the answer to this, but every so often I just have to remind myself, no, it wasn’t meant to happen. Why was that it’s beyond anyone’s control. Still, sometimes I just wished a try were given.

Since my last email I haven’t heard from him. For the first time I haven’t felt guilty of what I’ve said, nor contacted him to give it another try of making things better (for me).

I’m quite at peace at the whole experience and maybe now I can leave it behind me.

What if he reaches out to me? I will hear what he has to say and then I will say what I need to say. Then I will probably keep doing what I’m doing as if nothing has happened.

I will probably get sad, maybe cry, and will want for some feelings to come back, but, no, I have to move ahead.

I will wish him the best now and later, and in the quietness of my life I will secretly thank him for coming back to my life because without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Advertisements


It sucks being at work and then getting an email like this one later in the day when you’re ‘brain drained’ and just want your workday to be over and go home.

Knowing how I have evolved throughout the years, not that I needed to think over what I would say or would respond to it; I just didn’t want to use certain words that I don’t normally use.

If I already have decided to end for good whatever was happening because both of us, there was no need to communicate your thoughts in a way it’s not you.

I wanted to convey that I am confident in my position and feelings, not that his behavior has brought the ugly side of me. And that’s not what I want to be remembered for.

Unfortunately that’s how humans are; we remember the bad as small as it may be. We may do good for the longest time, and then we stumble and everyone takes notice. It doesn’t matter if the good outweighs the other; you’re recognized for how deep you fell.

‘Regarding you unfriending me, it came as no surprise. Truth is me being an old girlfriend is not the problem here regarding your relationship.

It has to do with the wife and her insecurities that I’m going to tear the two of you apart. I’m a threat to her and she needs to erase anything that’s considered to be that.

It happened to me when I was married. My a-hole ex made it clear that he didn’t want me having nothing to do with my male friends even when they were just that, friends.

It made me so miserable and isolated, but he didn’t care. It wasn’t about what was the right thing for the marriage; it was all about him and he alone.

I was lucky that my friends forgave and supported me because they love me as the true person I have always been to them.

I’ll tell you this, when the years go by and your daughter grows up and moves away, and you find yourself all alone with or without your spouse, then you will realize what a mistake it was to have let go of all the people that truly loved you. By that time I will have forgotten about you and not really interested in listening to what you have to say.

Let me ask you, would you have done the same if I were in a relationship? You and I know the answer very well.

And regarding this friendship proposal you always present to me, fact is, I’ve been the one who have been writing and reaching out to you.

This means that once I discontinue doing so, because I know you won’t, that’s it; it’s over. You’re not just unfriending me for a while, it’s for good.

Like with other guys I’ve met, if I’m not the one making the effort here, nothing happens.

So, good luck with your life because you will need it.’



A couple of weeks passed by after the ‘daughter’ incident and everything seemed to go back to normal, that is, when I stayed away from writing anything on his profile.

I was keeping it low as much as I could and was just putting posts which content was pretty plain and harmless. They pretty much reflected the sentiment of what other people would say.

I could see that there were other females posting, so I thought this all unintended attention would eventually go away. But that’s not what was happening.

I learned through an email of him that the wife and daughter were still wondering who I was. I couldn’t understand why me of all the other women.

But him saying that I was an old girlfriend, combined with my apparent good looks, I was standing out way too much.

To be honest here, I didn’t find myself being above the other women I saw on his profile.

I did make positive comments on his daughter’s photos. She has been blossoming into a beautiful lady and I was happy for him.

He had always been concerned about giving her a stable home environment and the love she really deserved, two situations he felt he didn’t have when growing up.

I know pictures may speak more than a thousand words, but can be easily deceiving, but my feeling was that his daughter was indeed growing up to be what he had worked so hard for.

But my other feeling was that his attention was more devoted to the daughter than the significant other. Mix that with my presence online and his past stories that things between them are not that well, and you have a conflict that all points to him.

It blew out of proportion in such a way that one day I got an email that I knew would inevitably happen.

‘Hey, I am going to unfriend you. My wife has been questioning much about you. Please don’t take it personal. I am still your friend and I hope we continue to be. I’m not cutting ties here completely, just for a while until things calm down. I know you will understand.’

When I read it, I was upset that I was going through this again, but now thinking that I was fed up of being looked at as if I was a bad person who is complicating other people’s lives.

I have arrived to such a point in my life personally and with guys that I really have no patience for situations like this, even when I know what the truth here is.

I mean, I still appreciate and feel for him, but my emotions towards him completely come to a halt. I have been dragging on this situation with him for far too long and it’s time to close this chapter and move on, just like he has done.

No tears, no regrets, no questioning of decisions; just keeping him as part of my past and leaving it there.



This is what basically has been happening. Every so often I write him an email when I get reminded of him because I hear his first name.

The subject line always reads like, ‘Can I get you off my mind?’ or ‘You became present again’.

The content of the mail describes the incident of how I remembered him, that all I want is to really forget him, and don’t understand why the universe is playing games with me on this.

He sometimes replies that he’s sort of a force that refuses to go away from my life and it‘s interesting how his presence is remembered.

He always mentions that he’s my friend and he hopes our friendship continues, and that life will gift me with a worthy relationship.

Other times he doesn’t reply at all. Maybe it’s an overkill that I write about the same thing every time. Most probably is that he’s telling me nicely that we need to move on.

If you look at the replies closely, he never talks about us. It’s about me thinking about him, and he finding an explanation of why they occur.

He replies because he has to, especially to back-up his friendship argument. But it’s clear I’ve been stretching this situation for far too long.

The same goes for his social media profile. I was devastated when he closed it. I thought it all had to do with me.

It was months later when he reactivated it. I felt as if I had reconnected with him. But then, instead of me ‘staying away’, I continued writing posts in his profile.

I recently got a request from his daughter. I got nervous because I felt exposed as if the world knew who I was.

I told him about it, and his wife and daughter were questioning him who I was. He told them that I was and old college girlfriend.

Regardless of what the truth is or not, I created a huge problem for him and it’s not going away unless a change is made.

So what did I do? Of course I declined the request and stood back for a while. But as soon as I go online and read his posts, I get the impulse of writing something.

Sadly, all that I’m doing is looking for some acknowledgement from him that he still thinks about me.

I’m surprised he hasn’t cut me off all together. Whatever the reason for him doing that, both the universe and him are sending out this message from afar of what I should do.

And if I’m always reaching out to the outer limits for guidance and advice, why am I ignoring the huge, visible crater that’s in front of me?



I’ve been doing something for some time that I shouldn’t be, and it has been reaching out to this former college love interest when I know well I shouldn’t be.

Every so often I send him an email, especially when I’m sad, have a guy issue, or just simply want to have someone to listen to me on whatever matter is causing me to feel upset towards life in general.

The real sad part about this is that if he replies, he usually does it from his phone, using incorrect grammar because he’s obviously writing in a rush.

He always apologizes for doing it quickly because there’s always something going on in his life (meaning his family) and time is limited.

The end part of the message always has the same tone; he repeats that he’s my friend and hopes we continue to be, wishes me good things, and that all works out for me.

The last entry means that I find a guy that appreciates who I am and that finally stays with me for the long haul.

This may all sound great, but it hasn’t fulfilled the emotional need that still clings me to him. As much as I was trying to forget him all together, something always reminds me of him, especially when I hear his first name.

It is so ridiculous, I raise my head up looking for him as if he was to magically appear.

The other thing I do is check my emails constantly after I send him one, waiting for his reply. I can read it loud and clear, but don’t want to read between the lines.

It translates that he’s doing it because he feels sorry for me. He always wishes me well and that I find the guy deserving for me because he tries to make me feel better towards the lousy situation I’m going through.

It’s like getting a second place prize. I know what his situation is, but I get disappointed that he doesn’t respond that way I want to. I want him to tell that somewhere within him he still feels something for me.

I’m behaving like a juvenile, hoping the universe will play its part to turn things around the way I wished for.

What’s wrong with me? After all these years and what I’ve gone through, I should have learned my lesson already.

Yes, we may still communicate via email, he re-opened his profile on social media and I became his friend again.

But his wife and daughter are seeing what I post (again, why am I doing it when I know it?) and I’m exposed to all other people within their list.

I may be single and available to do whatever I want, but I’m stretching it so far that I’m making a fool of myself.

Actually, I’m probably pushing to be considered something unpleasant, like a bitch and idiot who has no clue that my behavior is totally unacceptable.

Definitely not a nice picture to put yourself into.



“I know you do and, yes, I’ll try,” said he.

I knew telling him how much I cared was not enough to ease the pain he was feeling now and would for the next few years.

The way to really help him was to hold his hand, hug him, or some physical affection that could really express what I meant.

We spoke a couple more times until I got the message I did not want to get. His significant other was back so it meant we couldn’t talk any more.

He made the call when he took his dog for a walk. As before, his voice changed to that of the role of a married man and father. The guy who was once part of my life then and now was put away.

Our lives went back as before, each other being part of the past, but not the present, as if we didn’t exist.

We haven’t spoken again and it won’t probably happen until next year, if that. That depends on him.

As for myself, I will still wish for us to see each other one day, that he doesn’t forget about me and to remember that I will be with him all along the way.



“I was a mistake to my parents,” said he.

“What? No! How can you say that?”

“Because they had a troubled relationship and somehow I happened. I was even sent away to boarding school most of my life.

I myself had a difficult relationship with them. That’s why I’m so focused on providing my daughter the stable environment I never had.”

I was literally crying over the phone. “Please never say that again. My parents also had a difficult relationship since as long as I remember. But I’ve never felt negatively about my existence.

The problems that they all had are theirs, but unfortunately we get tangled up on the outcomes of what they do. In a way we pay for their decisions.

All we can do is try to make sense of all their mess and try not to repeat it, like you’re doing.

But you and I are not what you think. I love you very much as a person and hurts me deeply how you feel about yourself. You’re worse than me at times.

If it helps you heal in any way, just remember how much I feel about you, and if I was you, I would make it all go away.

So for now just remember that there’s at least one person who cares about you and thinks highly of you.

Can you try to do that for me?”



The conversation was still going, even after we got all sad for each other and ourselves.

“Emma, have you ever been happy?”

Wow, the question felt deeper than the pain I experienced when he dumped me. I gave it a thought before answering.

“That word for me is so delicate to define,” said I. “I think people use it all the time, but don’t understand the true meaning of it.

Honestly, yes, I’ve had my good moments to remember, but the not so good ones are greater and make me forget the first.

Right now I shoot for peace and tranquility, to get to a good place. But once in a while I should look back to those good times.

Although they bring me a brief joy, I have to wish for that again, don’t you think?

It’s like right now, all the situations that I’ve had with men have not turned out as I hoped for, but some instances are worth laughing about and holding on to.

And how much I’ve grown as a person and the knowledge that I’ve gained is worth every tear that I’ve shed.

In this few years I’ve lived so much, more than in other moments of my life, that I think I now know how to find this so called ‘happiness’.

How about you? What’s your take on it?”



It felt like last year all over again. We were basically talking every day for long extended periods of time.

I was again telling him about all my happenings, especially those concerning guys. I was giving him too much info, which was making him jealous because he wished it were him who I was with (me too).

All those emotions we felt last year surely came back, but there was one I really needed to take care of, the hurt he caused me when he abruptly ‘disconnected’ from me.

“Listen,” said I, “ I appreciate you contacting me again and listening to all my stories, but what you did was very hurtful to me, and I’m still not quite over it.”

“I had no idea how deep it was for you. I don’t know how much more I can apologize or make you feel better. Like I told you before, finding you again turned out totally different from what I expected.

It all happened so fast, these emotions I felt again towards you, and I just didn’t know how to handle it. I shouldn’t have proceeded the way I did and I was wrong. All I can do is promise I won’t hurt you again,” said he.

I sort of felt better, but not really. Reality was we were back to where we did before: we wished we could see each other (and be together), but it’s not possible now, probably never.

So all that there’s to it is just enjoy these brief moments we have together, even in this distance, and just hope some sort of miracle might happen for us, whatever that might be.



et cetera