The New M.E. Generation











A few more months later, Jeffrey decided to go back home for good. I don’t remember how it all happened, but I believe he mentioned he was leaving again and did not know when he would return.

It did not take me by surprise. I knew it was coming. In a previous conversation, he had said he was very distant from his spouse and couldn’t handle the situation any longer. On top of that, he was so desperate, he just wanted to ‘drop everything’ and simply leave.

And he did. He left all his material possessions ‘untouched,’ meaning he didn’t sell them or anything. He left that for his ‘significant other’ to deal with it.  Sounds to me he ‘snapped’ one day and simply decided to leave immediately.

And after some time after his departure, he announced he was not coming back. Not another surprise. He ran away, yet again, but for the last time.

Some months later he sent me an email saying he was making a quick stop in ‘the city’ and asked for my number. He wanted to see me, but wasn’t sure if he would have the chance.

I knew it wouldn’t happen, so I didn’t make the effort of contacting him. I was right, nothing happened. He went back home and we haven’t made contact ever since.

Do I still hear from him? Sometimes I do, on and off, of course, online. Later on I did learn he finally got divorced and was happy.

Happy. Hmm, let me think this one over. Better? Probably. Entirely happy? Don’t think so.

I’ve seen pictures of him and he physically looks very good. But in some I can still see the pain of the life he’s lived and left behind.

One thing I’ve surely learned from my experience is that you may run away from all your past. But your demons, unless you confront then face forward, they will run back to hunt you sooner or later.

But I’m hopeful for him. I think he will overcome everything, but, when? That’s not up to me to provide any longer.

This cougar has served her time with this guy.

Do I want to be a cougar again? Don’t know. For now I’ll just keep on roaming until my next ‘catch’ occurs.

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I don’t remember if I ever got to see Jeffrey again after his visit to my new place. But we would talk on the phone, on and off, of course.

A few months later, his birthday came up. From our previous conversations, I knew things were still the same as usual. His relationship had gotten worse, his business was struggling, and he couldn’t see the day that his life in general would start change for the better (or he finally had the guts to make this change).

So the only thing I could do was to call him and wish him well. “Jeff, hi, it’s me. I know it’s your birthday so I wanted to wish you good things your way, and that all gets resolved for the best. Love you man.”

A few hours later he returned my call. His voice sounded that he was touched by my message and even teary-eyed. ‘Thank you very much’ was all he could say because his voice chocked.

He was on the verge of crying but he held back. I knew he was deeply sad but didn’t tell me.

I told him again that I appreciated him, thought he was a wonderful person, and that nothing would give me more peace than him finally turning his life around and be happy. All he could answer was ‘I know’ repeatedly.

Yes, I was reaching out to him, but I could feel he was holding back to accept my love for him. I know why he did.

When one has been hurt so much and the pain takes over, you don’t allow yourself for the good to touch you because one feels that, in the long run, it will turn around to become bad and hurt you yet again.

It’s easier to build a wall that shields you because it is all one has known.

We want the good, but we’re scared of it. One thinks that if we shift our emotions to neutral, or not feeling anything, we will be fine.

But we’re not.



A few weeks later I received a surprising text message from Jeffrey: ‘How are you? What are you doing?’

Whoa! Where did this come from? Is he back? If he is, why is he looking for me? I took my chance in calling him and, lucky me, he answered the call.

“So, you’re back?” asked I in a tone of voice pretending nothing had happened.

“Yeah, I’m on the road taking care of business. Did you move?”

“Actually, I did while you were away. Are you close by? Can you make it over here?”

Lucky me, again, he did make it to my new place. When I greeted him at the entrance of my building, he was still looking as good as I remembered. He seemed to have rested somewhat. He also had a face of not entirely being happy to be back in town, a.k.a., back to reality.

He sat in my sofa and I on a chair. I did not bring the question of the reason for his break-up text and now him contacting me again.

“So…how was it? I asked.

“Great! Saw my friends, spent time with my family. I was saddened when I had to leave.”

“And…were you nice or naughty over there?”

Jeff opened his eyes wide, looked down and grinned a smile of ‘gotcha.’” “Yes, I was naughty with two ex-girlfriends of mine.

‘Lucky them,’ I thought. Why can’t I? Yes, I will admit, I felt sort of jealous. What did you expect?

I rolled my eyes up and smiled as well with a look of not being surprised at all. I mean, of course it was bound to happen. He is on an unhappy relationship, he manages to get away from it for a few weeks, and finds former flings willing to provide what he’s lacking. It’s obvious you’re going to for it! Hmm, doesn’t this sound familiar?

“So, what are you going to do now?” asked I. He gave the usual ‘don’t want to talk about it’ look. “It’s not only about your relationship. I meant your life in general.”

“I don’t know. Been thinking of moving back home permanently on my own.”

“Oh? What will you do with your business?”

“Not sure about that either. The only thing I truly know is that if I became single again, I’ll stay like that for a good long time.”

Jeffrey and I kept chatting for a while. And when he left, we said good-bye to each other as we always did before: no agreements or discussion wherever we would talk or see each other again or anything.

We would always say ‘see you later’ or ‘nice seeing you’ as if there would be a next time.

But that no one knew. We have taken each encounter as it came, without thinking about in the present or for the future.

I closed the door and kept on with my life, like nothing had ever happened.



Whatever Jeffrey and I shared, it kept going for a few months (on and off, of course).

I wasn’t thinking about what to expect or even hope for it. I took it as it came because other situations had taken priority.

The divorce was about to be finalized and one of the agreements was that I would move out of the residence. That meant I would loose the home I worked so hard to build, and downsize my existence into a smaller place.

On top of that, the lease on my vehicle was about to expire and my job was on the line.

The time was coming close for me to face the world on my own, and I was utterly scared.

And, like it happens in life, may it be good or bad things, when they come, they do in multiples.

I was working on the computer when Jeffrey sent me a text message: ‘I can’t keep doing this any longer. It’s not fair for anyone.’  I felt as if someone had just stabbed me on my heart.

The thing I had dreaded the most happened. He was walking out of my life. And the thing I shouldn’t have done, also happened. I had fallen for him.

I knew his departure would eventually happen, but did it have to be now?

All I thought I could do was to call him. He had mentioned he was going home for a couple of weeks, so at least I wanted to give closure to this.

“So I guess she found out about it, right?” asked I.

“Yes, which have made matters worse.”

“Is she going with you?”

“No way! I need to take care of some family matters and need to be alone to figure things out.”

I took a quick pause before continuing. “I never expected anything from you, you know that.”

“I know,” said he. His tone of voice lowered and I could tell he was looking for a way to end the conversation. “Hmm, I’m leaving tomorrow and need to get everything ready.”

“I understand… I know you get uncomfortable when I’ve said that I care about you and wish only the best for you. Please take care of yourself, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

I believe Jeff got emotional when he said good-bye. I surely did. I sat there with my face sunk between my hands crying miserably.

I was crying, alone, with no one to give me comfort. I had lost so much already, and now this?

What’s next in line for me?



Jeff and I kept communicating on and off for some time. We would talk on the phone or have extended conversations at my place.

With time, he started opening up to me. I got to understand why he was the why he was. He had experienced life on the edge; lived situations that were beyond his biological age.

They were ones that I can never imagine getting myself into, or know how I’ve would have handled them during the time that they occurred to him or if they would to me in the future.

But, the more he shared things, the more I grew to respect him.

I also felt sorry for him. A few times he got really emotional and that broke my heart. Although he had recovered from those bad moments, he was still deeply scarred and there was a pain within him that seemed to refuse to go away.

There were times when I wanted to reach out to him but couldn’t. In a certain manner I had lived a life much like his.

My marriage did not turn out as I hoped it would have, and many situations left me feeling that I also had lived way beyond my years.

I was deeply scarred as well, and my emotional pain was so bad it almost made me ‘emotionally challenged.’ It was so deep that I had lost some sense of empathy towards others.

But I did care about him and told him many times. But him, like me, had a hard time believing this from others.

Being hurt and in pain had become part of our lives. It had become second nature.

And what was this cougar playing in all this? I will say this: what we both lived made each other ageless. There wasn’t an age difference here.

But with his uncertain look at life, the cougar simply let him know that ‘hey, I’m still here. I’ve lived through it all and, although I’m down now, I will make it back to the top somehow.

You have lived enough to be practically my age. But if I survived it and still have a positive outlook for the future, so should you.’

Like I said, I did care about him. Hopefully I’m drilling some sense into him.



Jeff did kept ‘popping up,’ on and off.

Sometimes he would call me or I did. But if I were lucky to get a hold of him, the conversations would be very quick.

He was always in a rush, or talking when ‘that other person’ wasn’t around, meaning he was away from ‘his significant other.’

I wasn’t particularly upset about it, but was questioning what was I providing to him with these communications.

It almost felt as if he knew that what he was doing was wrong. That I was the only one that provided an escape, a quick fix from his reality, someone who let him be who he really was for a few minutes of his life.

Maybe I was just all he had to whatever he was running away from.

And running away he also did…to my place. Sometimes he would just show up unannounced sometime in the night.

I didn’t mind that he did. But after some initial conversation, I could see a sadness and uncertainty on his eyes that just broke my heart. It even made me feel not so bad about my own situation.

Why does he come here? What am I doing for him?

I mean, we have a lot to deal with and can’t really take care of ourselves the way we deserve, or even each other. Or are we?

In a certain manner, we were reflecting ourselves in each other. We were both stuck in a situation we didn’t asked for or expected to be.

There wasn’t any remote chance of us ever being together in any level, but, in a way, we were.

We both were unhappy with our lives and being ‘together’ gave each other the reaffirmation that we needed to get away from it all and start new. But not with one another.

Sometimes seeing yourself in the mirror is not always a pretty sight.



It was an awkward feeling when Jeff arrived at my place. The first time I saw him was at the lounge. I was nicely dressed and put up together.

Now I was in jeans and no make-up; just how I normally hang around my place. He knew what I was wearing, but was still nervous to see him.

I offered to sit out in the patio in two lounge chairs. The night presented itself with a full moon and the weather was just right to do that.

The conversation started with the ‘how are you?’ line, moved to admitting that I was surprised that he had called me (or showed some interest in me), but was glad he was here.

After some time of small talk and the confidence opened up between the two of us, the normal thing was for the topics to get more personal.

I don’t know how it happened, but I started speaking about my current state of my divorce very candidly, up to a point that I really opened up about pretty much about my whole life.

I got sad and even shed some tears. But I felt very at ease saying what was on my mind.

And, out of nowhere, Jeff took my hand and held it. I believe he said something like, ‘don’t worry, things will be fine.’

I thanked him for his gesture. “I don’t know what you plan to do with your situation. But I hope that it gets resolved for the best as well.”

We sat there in the patio for a long time. I remained emotional most of the night, but at least got some temporary relief.

Jeffrey said he would keep in touch with me. I didn’t ask him to explain what he meant by this (and if he actually planned to do so). But, what the heck, can’t complaint.

Even if I never get to see him again, minimizing the pain I was feeling back then, and getting a dose of hopefulness for facing the future was all worth it.

Just think what two encounters with this guy have made for me.

Shoot! If only he wasn’t ‘that complicated.’



Jeffrey eventually did contact me again. Because of what I was going through, I honestly don’t recall if I tried calling him first (just for the sake of saying ‘hello’) (yes, honestly), or how much time elapsed between the ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ and this one.

Yeah, I did care to know how he was. His situation did not sounded very good, meaning like being handled well, or that there was any possibility of improvement or resolution in staying in that relationship.

It was a weekend night and I had no plans. I was hoping that someone would feel sorry for me and let me hang around their place when Jeff called.

“Hey, what are you up to?” asked he.

“Nothing; was on my way to my girlfriend’s (not really). Why?”

“I thought about me going over to your place and talk.”

“Oh? And where is your ‘other half’?” (Or whatever else you consider her to be.)

“She’s out of town.” (Translation: this guy wants to behave badly…)

“And you have nothing to do, like me. Well, at least we have something in common during this night.”

We kept chatting while I analyzed the situation. He’s in a relationship with another person, who happens to be out of town, and he wants to come over and just talk?

So what is this cougar going to do?

The way I was looking at it, he’s the one with the complicated situation. Not to take away from the fact that mine was equally, or perhaps, worse, than his.

But my ex was not coming back, that was for sure. So although I was still legally bound to someone else, I was ‘free’ to do whatever I wanted. Or could I?

So, what’s it going to be?

“No problem, come on over.”



After that phone call that almost ended in disastrous manner, I wasn’t thinking much about Jeffrey. The incident came at a really bad time for me.

Because of what I was going through, my mind and emotions were not coordinated as they should have.

I was very self-conscious of all I was saying and doing. But, really, who cared? I was completely alone and the result of what had happened was due to my newfound inexperience of dating.

On the other hand, what if this cougar actually had a positive effect on this guy? (What?) Yes, let’s think this over.

I did touch a nerve on him, which could eventually make him make a decision on his situation. There’s two options for him: one, leave things as they were (or do nothing about it); two, decided to end the relationship and restart his life again.

Hmm, wonder if I’ll get an answer for that. And that will only occur if he comes again into the picture.

What? You think I should be looking for him? Honestly, right now, this is the least of my concerns.



et cetera