The New M.E. Generation

So how do I give closure to this experience? I’ve been thinking about it for some time and the answer is simple: keep only the good. Or said in better words, take the bad and make it the opposite.

Yes, I may have talked about my divorce seven times in one day. But each of the guys that have been present in my life have been preparing me for ‘the one’ when he comes. And when it happens, I will certainly get it right.

Yes, I may have allowed a man I barely knew enter my life. But now I know that I am ready to open my heart and love to the fullest once again.

And, yes, I had feelings for a man who I knew living apart from him would eventually lead to nothing. But I took a risk and for two weeks out of my life, I lived them to the fullest.

Lived to learn that, yes, love can happen again when you least expect it.

I may at times cry late in the night over Jay, wonder if he misses my text messages or calls, if he ever thinks about me (and if he does, what crosses his mind?), or anything else for that matter.

When I look back at that first week, that moment when Jay arrived and held my face between his hands and kissed me, is what I will always remember. This is the image that I will forever hold.

Even more, I will forget about anything negative that happened.

Do I have any regrets about it? None whatsoever. Nope.

So, universe, what’s next in line for me? Is the new guy going to be the ‘it guy’ or have the planets not aligned for this girl yet?

Still waiting for some manifestation to occur that might give me an answer. All right, I’ll be patient. I have all the time in the world (well, almost). And you know what?

I feel something really good is headed my way…

In the weeks that followed, I continued having some communication with Jay. I avoided asking him about his new ‘love interest,’ so I just stick to trivial topics.

I was having difficulty getting over him. Some days I would wear the ring and others I wouldn’t. I guess I needed to remind myself that something good has happened in my life.

But I believe the most difficult thing was to tell friends that it was over and that the trip to Canada was not happening. They were all sad and disappointed for how things ended because they knew this was the first guy after my divorce that I genuinely had feelings for, and had given myself the opportunity to open my heart to.

Yep, it took me some time to let go of him. I put the ring away, cried late at night, and got the lessons from this experience that I believe will help me move forward.

The day I knew it was really over was when I called him for the last time. I did because there was some news he had been hoping to hear from me for some time. But I also wanted to hear his voice and reaction of listening me on the other end of the line.

Jay answered the call in his usual upbeat demeanor every time I called, and became more when he heard the news. But after this part was over and I talked about everyday things, the conversation became ‘flat.’ It felt as if he was speaking to anyone else like a friend or co-worker; someone who doesn’t have any special feelings for.

I even had the courage to ask him about his love life, and he responded by saying that he was still seeing her, and taking things very slow.

He then continued to say that he was doing some work on his home and he needed to get back to that. When he said good-bye he was cold as someone who is way over you, or not interested in you at all, even perhaps pretending nothing had happened and needed to ‘exit’ as quickly as possible in order to avoid getting into the present reality.

Meaning, it’s so easy to ‘dump’ somebody when you have someone else lined-up. Of course, you’re not empty-handed, especially if the new person is more convenient for your lifestyle.

He knew that the way he behaved was not the best, so he used the ‘baggage’ situation to let go of me easily and have a good mental excuse for leaving me.

Truth is, if she hadn’t come along, I would have made the trip and maybe still be with Jay.

It’s hard to believe that someone who greeted me with so much love at the airport has now said good-bye the opposite way.

So what am I going to make of it? Nothing. I’m not dwelling on it like I did with the others.

It is what it is and that’s it.

Following his second trip, Jay and I continued corresponding to each other. But, this time, the talk was about me going to Canada. He had pretty much presented a tentative week to do so, and I was waiting for the right time to purchase the ticket.

But, one day, something he said in an online conversation started to give me an uneasy feeling. Here’s how it happened: I called him via the internet, like I was basically doing every day and, don’t know how the comment occurred, but he said that there was no need for me to do so.

“What? I thought you really liked my daily texting and calls; that they were things you looked forward to.”

“I do, but you don’t have to every single day,” he responded.

“All right, I won’t, if that’s how you feel about it.”

So I did. I kept calling and texting, but to a lesser degree. I was confused by his comment and started to wonder if his feelings for me had shifted.

And they did, and I found out quite unexpectedly, through another conversation. I wanted to finally choose a day for me to arrive to Canada, but Jay was not giving me a final answer, plus his enthusiasm for me making the trip wasn’t quite there as before. I then confronted him during the call.

“Jay, what’s going on? Do you want me to make this trip or not?”

“Well, Emma do you remember what we discussed about seeing other people? (At that moment, I felt all the stars in the universe collided and a big explosion suddenly hit me.) There is a person that I met that lives in my community and I want to go out with her.”

“I never said we couldn’t see or go out with other people as long as the relationship was only of that of a friendship.”

“I’m trying to be honest with you as also discussed. I don’t know what will happen here. I could go out with her and nothing happens afterwards or she may turn out to be as someone I would like to pursue. I thought my obligation was to tell you before the date.”

I didn’t say a word for I don’t know how long. Sadness engulfed me and just wanted to cry.

“Jay, you have no idea how much I wanted to make this trip, how much it meant to me!”

“I know and I’m sorry, but I felt it would have been unfair to you for me to go out with this person, develop an interest in her, and afterwards having you come down to visit.

The other thing, Emma, is, you’re still dealing with a lot of issues that also turned me away. One day, for example, you talked about your divorce seven times in one day. You’re definitely not ready to be involved with anyone yet, especially me.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose…I’m sorry,” is all I could say. “You have your issues too, so don’t point all the blame on me. I wanted to make this trip so bad you have no idea, and now you took that chance away from me.

And I will say this, whatever outcome results of this date, don’t even think about calling me saying you still have an interest or feelings for me.”

Jay apologized again during the call. Whatever else he said I don’t remember and, quite frankly, doesn’t matter. The damage was done and so was the relationship, or whatever we had together.

After the conversation concluded, I remained seated for some time and tears came down my eyes. I knew that, in the long run, this distant thing would have ended anyways, but not this soon.

I envisioned it occurring after my trip, after finally sharing our lives to the fullest possible, after all had been said and done.

But I guess it was meant to happen this way so the hurt wouldn’t be as bad, so I wouldn’t feel guilty of doing it if it had been me the one who met someone else, before I invested any more of my feelings on him.

It was hard to accept it, but his time and presence, like all the other guys before him, had come to an end. It was time, once again, to pick-up the pieces and move on.

But it hurts; it hurts a lot.

After Jay left, our correspondence continued and we were missing each other terribly. Saying good-bye to him at the airport was very hard. We kept hugging each and I tried not to cry. I didn’t look through my rear view window when I drove away because I was just too sad.

The waiting for his arrival felt forever and, now that he was gone, my place felt very empty and lonely as before he came. It was as if he had never made the trip.

About two months later, Jay came back for another week that, of course, included more water skiing, but no travel to the resort.

This time around, he got more of a taste of what my life was about. He got to see Dina again, met Madelyn, and I took him to the different places that I usually go out to.

I even told my friends and family about him. I communicated to others that Jay was someone special that was now part of my life, and all were happy that there was someone else to whom I was special too as well.

Jay even expressed for me to go visit him a few months later at the lake community he was living at. This way, I could really get a sense of his life as a whole now that he got to know mine, and as a way to hopefully continue whatever we had going.

Yes, the relationship conversation was again brought up. The original agreement of continuing to see other people, only as friends, and to keep the communication or honesty open, was to stand.

The second time around went equally as good, but as soon as he left, uncertainty about the future about our relationship quickly sink in once again. This was the last time that, for now, Jay could visit me. And even if I did go to Canada, what was to happen between us after I returned home was in question.

I mean, people were happy for me, but everyone was having the same concern as well. They were glad to learn that I had a love in my life, but what were the chances of a long distance relationship of ever working out?

Forget about the mutual feelings and that we were both different from each other in so many ways. The distance factor was one that, in the end, would do just that, end anything.

I’m digesting all this and can’t come to a conclusion. I figured out that, for now, I’ll go visit him, see how that goes, and take it from there.

And, yet again, I’m throwing all this into the universe, hoping it will give me some direction or answer to my uncertainties.

And it did, but not exactly in what I was shooting for.

One the day before Jay was scheduled to leave, he and I were having dinner at home and I thought discussing our relationship before he left was the right thing to do.

“Jay, do you think we’ll ever have a chance of making, whatever we have together, work?”

“Well, it will definitely be a challenge.”

“Listen, I know I’m still dealing with baggage from my divorce, and if I don’t get my life back on track, I won’t be able to be happy with you or any other person, period.

Also, I don’t want you to think that because we’re ‘together’ that you can’t go out or be friends with other women. I appreciate that you consider me your girlfriend and everyone in your world knows about me. But I also want to be fair and realistic about our situation.”

“I’m grateful for you being open about this and the best thing to do is that we keep being honest with each other and talk about it if the situation occurs.”

We finished dinner and enjoyed the rest of the evening, but talking about other things.

Jay was sad for leaving; I was very much indeed. He said he had another vacation time about a month later and would definitely try to make it back. He also mentioned for me to go visit him some time after his second possible visit, right after the winter had concluded and the weather was bearable for me to withstand.

Sounds like a plan, but so far away, like the time before he came down which seemed would never happen.

I am so happy that this trip happened, but once Jay leaves my life goes back to as before, back to the uncertainty of what lays ahead, and now with an added stress of what the universe is holding for me with this long distance thing.

Can anyone up there send me a clue or something, please?

On the Sunday before Jay headed back home, I took him to the ocean area of ‘the city’ to have breakfast and later walk on the beach. The area that I chose has many shops and restaurants, and is walking distance from the water, so it allowed for everything needed for him to enjoy the experience.

When we got to the area, I realized a flea market was being held with all sorts of merchandise: jewelry, art, food, plants, etc. This was great; Jay would get to see another feature of where I lived.

We had brunch and, afterwards, decided to walk around the market, to then end the day by walking on the beach.

As we approached a vendor selling fine jewelry, I came up with an idea that I wasn’t sure how he would approach it.

“Jay, I was thinking, hmm, don’t take it the wrong way, but how about getting a ‘friendship ring’ as a symbol of what we’ve shared together? Just something simple.”

Jay looked at me quite calm, as he had throughout the entire time. My eyes were not exactly looking at his because I was unsure of how he would react.

“I like your idea very much,” said he.

We literally walked every jeweler and were lucky to find an unusual ring with semi-precious stones that really stroke a cord with both of us. It was like the ‘perfect note’ of memories created during his trip. Everything I had hoped for, and more, had become true.

Last item of the day; hit the beach. The day was absolutely gorgeous and the water was even greater. If Jay could have jumped on the water, he would have without a doubt, but we were wearing regular clothes and had no towels with me.

But we made the best of it. We took a long walk on the sand and water, held hands and kissed. I felt totally free, like I was walking on air. I thanked the universe for giving me this blessing.

But this blessing came with a price. Jay lived in Canada, and the chances of surviving, whatever we had, were zero to none.

This thought kept circling in my mind while at the beach, and knew we needed to talk about this before he went back home.

But, as of now, I’m just enjoying this moment and embracing it in such a way it will stay in my heart for a lifetime.

The time at the hotel was unbelievable. Being at another location of this international all-inclusive resort brought back many memories from my ‘A spring break in the fall’ trip. And sharing this time with someone special was even better.

Jay, on the other hand, enjoyed himself to the fullest. He re-lived his days as an employee, plus got to reunite yet again with former colleagues. But, this time, he got to sit back and enjoy it in his own terms.

I think the best part of the time there was at night during the shows. They had different ones every day, some even incorporating guests in the cast. But all would end with what was called ‘the crazy signs’ dance song in which everyone participated.

After so many years of being away from the resort, Jay still remembered it perfectly. Doing it next to him made me feel that I was finally able to connect to him, especially during this special period in his life. I got to see a side of him that maybe I wouldn’t have if we hadn’t come.

I’m so happy to be here.

Jay and I did every imaginable activity and I wished the days had lasted longer. But, like good things in life, they all come to an end.

He had a few more days of water skiing and of me showing him around, including going to the beach and, hopefully, getting Jay to get immersed in my life some more, like meeting some of my friends.

All right, lets give it a try.

{September 21, 2009}   The Week That Was 11 – Ring!

I was having a lot of fun at the resort. It was so good I got completely disconnected from the real world until…(ring!)

Is it possible? Why is it that people never call you when you have plenty of time to spare, and do, all at the same time, when you’re totally busy, or right in the middle of something very important?

Well, I wasn’t exactly doing anything with Jay that the call totally ruined. But more as hoping that none of my friends would call me because any of them knew of my whereabouts. In other words, I didn’t tell anyone of Jay’s coming to town or my ‘dropping out of radar’ extracurricular activity.

And, who else could be calling? I bet you it’s either Dina or Madelyn. Take a guess…(Dina!)

“Hey, what you’re up to? Where have you been? Haven’t heard from you recently,” said she.

I didn’t want to say too much because me saying a little would go a long way. “I’m not right around where you are.”

“You’re with a guy!! OMG!! Tell me all about it!”

“Aah, yeah, you remember Jay from our trip? The one doing the water sports.”

“The Canadian? Are you out of your mind? You knew that guy from just a few days.”

“Well, yeah, but we’ve been corresponding for a while.” (I gave her a quick rundown of the whole thing over the phone.)

“And you didn’t say anything to me…”

“Because I never thought anything would evolve Dina.”

“Girl, you and I are so having a conversation when he gets back to Canada,” said Dina.

“I’m taking your word for it,” I concluded.

I was somewhat hiding away from Jay. I sat next to him on the room’s sofa. I started laughing and told him what had happened. Jay laughed too and expressed wishing that he could see Dina again.

I was getting comfortable with Jay again when (of course) my mobile rings again. (Didn’t I tell you so that it would happen again? And who it is this time? It can be but no other than…

Madelyn. “EMMA!! What’s up my friend??”

“Dina called you didn’t she?”

“No, I just wanted to know how you were doing.”

“Yeah, right. What other info are you now going to try to get from me?”

“No, I’m not going to do that. You know me better than that. I’m just glad that you’ve continued to do things that you never thought you would before. I’m so proud of you! But you have to tell me all about it later.”

“Fine. Can I get back to what I was doing before?”

“Oh, I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“No, almost.”

“So I guess I better get off the phone now.”

Madelyn and I finished the call and I stared at Jay. He had a face that he was about to burst out laughing. Mine was of wonder if my mobile was to ring again.

“Another girlfriend?” asked Jay. I nodded ‘yes.’ “I hope I get to meet her too.”

Hmm. Jay, my girlfriends and I all together in one room.

Now that’s something to really think about!

The first few days of Jay’s visit went very well. In fact, they were too good to be true. We both were very comfortable with each other. Everything that we did together felt very natural; it just flowed with ease.

On the third day of his trip, we drove to one of the locations of the resort he had worked for. It was in an area I’ve never been before, and the trip, more than that of the road kind, felt more like I was headed to a romantic trip, like a honeymoon.

We got to the place about two hours later and, upon arrival, many memories from my previous trip with Dina flashed before my eyes. My feeling was that this trip would be as equally memorable.

After checking-in, leaving the bags in the room, etc., we toured the resort and took advantage of some of the available activities before dinner.

Jay also located former co-workers and the encounters were as much joyful as they were a few months back.

Some hours later, when the activities were pretty much over for the daytime and the sun started to come down, Jay and I got some drinks and settled on a hammock.

After some chatting about simple things, I leaned my head on Jay’s shoulder and stared straight at the sunset. I was still wearing my sunglasses.

It was again one of those moments when I was able to briefly forget all that I’ve gone through, and allow myself to feel happy for a change. I felt a peace within me that I hadn’t for the longest time.

It was yet another almost perfect moment. I exhaled and felt that the wall I had built in front of me to protect myself came crashing down.

“I’m not here to play games,” said I to Jay while still looking forward.

“Me either.”

I felt like the universe had finally given me what I’ve asked for so long; true love.

If only I could always feel this way…

et cetera