The New M.E. Generation











{November 28, 2016}   The Swipe 10 – Dinner is served

I don’t recall how much time passed after my brunch with Dina and meeting with Cameron again to finally do the barbecue.

What I do remember is that it happened before my trip with Dina and that he brought all the food.

As if I haven’t had enough drama in my life already, that small BBQ that I own was actually a gift from Jay (please see the stories ‘A Spring Break in the Fall’ and ‘The Week That Was’) when he came to visit me many moons ago.

This means that every time I look at it, I always remember him. And in trying for this not to happen, I basically neglected the item by not taking care of it. I simply left it in the balcony, letting time and weather mistreat it.

When I opened it to finally clean it, it was holding some food grease for when it was used during his visit, plus dust, leaves, and whatever else managed to get inside.

‘This will be a tough one’, I thought to myself, referring to the major cleanup I had to give it. While doing that, I also remembered my past. It was a difficult time for me, as I had been divorced for a few months and the transition to my new life was challenging. Getting over Jay later on was another biggie, but eventually managed to do both.

All the grime and else felt like the collection of the emotions and memories of those years, which were now ready to be ‘cleaned away’ for good.

After I was done, I looked at it and then thought, ‘This is a nice bbq. It was nice of him to give me this. I won’t do it again of ignoring it.’ Kudos to me.

It was an even better moment seeing Cameron turning on the bbq. The soft light that the fire emitted made me feel peaceful and at ease.

What made me upset, though, was him walking barefoot to and from the balcony to inside the apartment’s white rug, especially when I had told him not to. I didn’t repeat myself, because I knew his behavior could make me say something that I could later regret.

At the same time, I really hate when some people are not considerate of other’s things, or get too comfortable thinking anything they do will be fine with you.

It made me feel he put himself first above me, which made me question his manners and common sense, which at the moment made him look as he lacked both.

Still, the bbq worked fine and his cooking turned out good. He even stayed to watch a movie with me on TV (“He’s Not That Into You”), which provided 2 awkward/defining moments of the night.

The first being a scene between the characters Beth and Neil; she questions him if he has intentions of marrying her and he replies that ‘he doesn’t believe in marriage’, to which she says: “Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit for every woman who’s been told by some guy that he doesn’t believe in marriage just to see him turn around 8 months later and marry some 24 year old he met at the gym.” (Notice the important detail here? Yes, the 20-something.) Cameron reacted slightly, which meant it hit a cord with him.

The second moment was towards the end of the film when Cam received a text message. He had placed his mobile facing up on my coffee table in front of the TV .

I became confused and accidentally blurted out, “who’s that?” in a semi-inquiring tone, because it was so late in the evening. Cameron quickly looked at the screen and then back to the movie; he didn’t answer me.

Of course it made me suspicious that it was another woman. For crying out loud, tell me a white lie that it’s your teenage daughter or something. Be creative for once.

What his reaction did create was an overwhelming thought in my mind of “esto no va para ningún lado; se jodío” (or ‘this (whatever it is) is going nowhere; it’s fucked up’). I don’t know what got into me; it was as if someone got inside my head and told me so. I even lost track of the movie for a few minutes.

Since Cam didn’t open the message, it reappeared, which made me feel uneasy again. I then looked away and thought, ‘definitely not happening’.

I got my attention back into the movie and ignored the text message incident. But when the movie ended and Cameron was walking out the door to leave, he then looked at his mobile and said to me something to the extent of that ‘he had received soccer games scores’.

I don’t know if I heard him well or not. He didn’t behave like he was hiding something from me either. But, who knows; at that point of the early Sunday hours, anything is possible, even a ‘wake-up call’ from the universe, that this situation between Cam and I have been served and that the ending of it all is not going to be that tasty.

Shoot! I’ve seen Cameron like 4 times, 5 tops, and now there won’t be a another round, not even dessert?

“(Kate): I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? Recipes telling us exactly what to do. / (Therapist): You know better than anyone, it’s the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.” -No Reservations

That may be true, but I think the ones I’ve used before have not given me the results I expected. Blame it on the ingredients, blame on the timing. Whatever it is, they’re either burning, sticking, not rising, or preparing they way they should.

Sounds like this experience is not a ‘well done’ of doing the best I could (which I have), but a ‘well done’ that it has already reached its ‘boiling point’ and there’s nothing else to do. I guess it means that I need to start over from scratch yet again.

Time to use the cookbook (a.k.a., dating app) one more time? Most probably so.

 

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Surprisingly, he replied a few hours later. ‘I don’t mind what you said. I actually want to meet you. I haven’t mentioned it before because I want to be available when we agree on it.’

I thought his reply sounded reasonable, so I felt the next step would be the right one: asking him for his number.

This would allow me to text him whenever I felt it was time to go out with him, if I got to that point. I could also control the situation and test his patience. I wanted to see how serious he was and how long he was willing to wait for the meeting.

So not wanting to come across as desperate, I waited until the next day to ask for his mobile. He gave it to me about 2 weekdays later around some odd hour when I was already sleeping.

I waited about a week to go by and emailed him on a Saturday morning about just having drinks that night and each traveling to the location separately.

He declined, as he was supposedly complicated that day. Not caring if it was true or not, I waited another week and did the same. This time he wrote he was available.

I then called him that day around 12pm to secure a plan for the night. I then realized I hadn’t given him my name.

He text back to meet at a bar some time after 8pm and that he would call me after finishing work to discuss.

All right, let’s wait and see if he actually follows what he says. And if he does, then I will slightly reschedule my afternoon to include some walking, resting and doing my hair.

Yep, no matter what, you have to look your best, because if not, you’ll end up crossing paths with all the people you don’t want to, especially those of ‘my past life’.

And if it happens with this guy, the gossip will surely reach the ears of some very particular people, which I wouldn’t mind.

Even if this outing ends in nothing, being seen with a much younger and cute guy is starting to sound like a good idea.

Interesting thought considering those people probably never expected much of me after the split. Fact was, they never cared to really know me, so it would be a total shocker.

I would love to see their faces, but, actually, no. I hate putting up a show for whatever the reason. What matters is that I’m living life the way I want to, with all its challenges and adventures.

At the end of the day, I’m the one who’s dealing with all the good and bad, the ups and downs, and all the responsibilities that go with it.

Getting back to dealing with this 20-something, no worries here.



I opened the email and the impression I got from the photo was that he looked way younger than his actual age.

I then viewed his profile and it showed that he was 35. His face had a boyish look, which made me feel that I was dealing instead with a 20-something.

His profession was as a paramedic and that he was currently pursuing a graduate degree in a field related to healthcare.

It was good to read that he had other ambitions in life. To me, that translates that you’re a non-conformist and willing to take a new challenge.

Working full-time and then going to school is not easy task. I did that and made me feel proud of myself that I completed a self-established goal.

The unfortunate part of having a relationship with someone who’s a paramedic (that at times are also firefighters) is their schedule. They work every other day and, depending on your seniority, usually the night shift.

Add other activities into your schedule means no time for anything else. And if you’re in a relationship and/or have children, your agenda is totally booked.

This guy has no kids, but I just knew that he wasn’t really for me. After having guys dropping off the radar pretty much right from the start, I’m going to be very cautious of how I do anything from now on.

But, like I did before, I will try to take these experiences with a humorous approach. This way it won’t affect me and the recovery is almost instant.

It may sound contradictory that I’m allowing myself to experience certain moments when they’re bound to be short-lived.

But if I change my approach into looking what I would gain (like building my character) instead of losing (like getting mad), isn’t it worth it?

Everything that one does has a risk attached to it and if you’re not willing to take them, you’ll never take off the ground to reach where you want to go.



‘Hi, how are you?’ read his chat.

‘Fine; thanks. Was about to reply to your messages’, wrote I.

‘Noticed you were online, so thought it was the best way to speak with you, for now.’

This gave me an uneasy feeling. More than misinterpreting what another person might be trying to communicate, I felt I was somewhat spied upon. It’s as if he was purposely keeping an eye on me, waiting for me to appear.

And what does he mean ‘for now’? Sounds to me that he’s going to decide my fate based upon a few sentences.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked him.

‘Your profile needs work. You’re either covering things or don’t want to be so open about yourself just yet.’

I was right. He’s somewhat interested in me, but because my first impression wasn’t that extraordinary to him, he’s going to decide to either continue pursuing me or not right this moment.

Second of all, who the hell are you to judge me, even less over a dating site profile?

I got angry, but I’m not letting it show.

‘I gave this site a try recently. Putting some more time into it is not my priority these days,’ I wrote.

‘If you want to get anywhere with it, you have to.’

Is that so? Wonder if I should mention that I get messages from 20-somethings.

‘How long have you been on the dating scene?’ asked I.

‘7 years.’

Give me a freaking break!

‘7 years??’ asked I.

‘Yes, but on and off. Have had some relationships here and there.’

And they haven’t worked out because:
(a) You’re a dick.
(b) You think you’re God’s gift to the world.
(c) You’re approaching this site as if it was a bride mail-order catalog.
(d) You think women in general need re-working so they can adjust to your mold.

Answer is: All of the above; but especially the last, because I (and women who are very clear of who they are) will not follow your shopping list.

I did that my entire life, living my existence for others or doing what they expected me to do at the expense of losing my self-esteem and sense of who I was. The one who needs to make changes around here is he.

I didn’t respond to his last chat right away, so he realized I wasn’t happy.

‘I’ve used different dating sites throughout the years, but I’m not active all the time.’

Whatever, you blew it. Still no response from me.

‘When you update your profile, let me know,’ wrote he.

‘Yeah’ is all I said.

I don’t (or care to) remember who ended the chat. After that day we never communicated again.

About a month later his profile was closed. I wasn’t surprised or even wondered if he had found someone.

Regarding my profile, still the same as he saw it and with the 100 answered questions.

And the answer to what to do about all this: you have to keep on trying.



et cetera