The New M.E. Generation

{December 22, 2014}   Love At First Site 26 – I blue it

My table is not that big, so as much as you try to avoid the other person is not possible.

I complemented him on his cooking skills and wanting to eat healthy. I tried to engage in ‘small talk’ as much as possible. I was making eye contact as I was trying not to look away from the reality here: he’s still and will always be old enough to be my child.

I didn’t think about the cougar thing; I knew getting involved with him would get me nowhere and would unbalance my emotional state that I have worked so hard to reinstate.

The comment about my TV’s wasn’t just one that hit a nerve, it was also one that the universe was throwing at me so I would be aware of what to expect from this guy if I allowed for anything to happen beyond this night.

The message is that there will always be something that will remind me of the age difference and thus feeling ‘old’, trigger some other negative emotions, and who knows what else. There’s the other detail about him that his plan is to leave the city to go to med school somewhere else.

I know that (maybe) we could be friends or I should keep my options open regarding anything social. But, am I really interested in investing time with him when I should stick to doing that for myself? I may sound selfish, but in the end it’s all about me.

I kept the mindless conversation going and tried not to think about the big elephant in the room, so I kept looking at his very blue eyes, which began to mesmerize me.

I thought that maybe I should complement him on that as well. But after I say that, what next?

I guess this is what it feels like when ‘you’re having the blues’?

Another 2 days went by before I got another reply, this time around 4am and still on a work week.

I wondered again if he was getting up or going to bed and what his whereabouts were. In other words, were you at home or, most probably, somebody else’s place?

Back in my days when I was doing my undergrad and living on campus, if you returned very late to your room, it had to be that you were either at the library (that was the main excuse everyone used) studying or writing a paper, or at the computer center.

Yes, I said the computer center. That’s where people went to type their papers before personal ones became a normal thing to have. And the place was open (I believe) until midnight or beyond.

If those 2 locations weren’t it, then it meant you were probably having some sort of relationship with someone else and managed to spend the night with that person. You either convinced the other roommate to go sleep somewhere else, or that other person slept in your bed with the roommate there as well.

Doing the second was no easy task, as having roommates was difficult per se and meant losing more of the little space and privacy you already had.

Then there was the situation if anyone called you. It was one phone paid by many and the calls were usually from parents, family, or significant others living at school or not.

The calls would mostly occur after 10pm as they knew all classes were done for the day, you already had dinner, etc.

But, that was not always the case. If you took the call, you had the misfortune of telling the caller that your roommate wasn’t there and that you didn’t know where she was, either that was true or not.

It was an uncomfortable situation because you always sounded as you were lying and hiding something.

Then there was the task of having to call them back and explain yourself. After saying ‘you were studying’, things would quiet down until the same scenario happened again.

Yes, it was a time that keeping track of others was no easy task, but is it that different now? Not really, except that all devices are personal and mobile, and you have total control in how you manage them.

In a way it’s harder as no one else knows what you’re doing, that is, if you keep it quiet to yourself.

So what am I thinking right now? That he probably had some chemistry with a girl in his biology class and decided to take it beyond the books. After all, he’s young, good looking and has goals for the future. What girl wouldn’t like that?

This got me thinking; this guy got my attention not necessarily for his merits, but because it’s making me remember my time in college.

That was a special time, as I finally got a chance to be on my own and started to discover who I really was, just like when I became single again.

The negative part is the age difference, which is making me feel old, and that feeling is not good at all.

I may have reversed the effects of what I’ve gone through, but there’s no ‘time’ capsule for the other half of the equation.

You have to swallow it no matter what.

To my surprise, this guy replied a few hours later.

‘Hey, there. It’s great to hear from you. I’m glad to know that you’re living in the area. It’s surprising where life takes you.

I’m sorry about what happened to you. I never thought I would be dealing with the same situation as you. But I’ve been blessed to have a wonderful person and extraordinary woman with me.

Would love to chat with you and share our current state of affairs. Although many years have passed, the memories are always good.’

Wow, he must really have some good ones for responding so quickly, which I wonder what specifically he’s referring to.

I got curious to find out, but, at the same time, if they are positive, why do I need to go there? Why do I feel there’s something unresolved or that I perhaps need to discuss with him to give closure to?

The circumstances at the time just worked against keeping a connection (like the age difference, our individual lives, distance, no social media, etc.), so why not take this opportunity now to just re-establish something and keeping it?

Whatever it is that it’s still spinning around my emotions, I’m just really glad as to what had just happened.

Next step, getting on the phone.

Jesse disappeared for some time, again, and he surfaced with a text message yet again, during a long weekend (one more time, again).

‘Hey where are you?’ said his text.

‘Not in the area for today. Why?’

‘I was hoping to see you before I left.’

‘For the weekend?’

‘No, I’m going back home. I only came to work here for 6 months.’

Six months? Has it been that long since I met him?

It was sort of sad that he was leaving town, but also relieved that this was the end of it (the texting and anything else that could have happened).

I responded to him that I regretted him going, but wished him the best.

Did I mention to him to ‘keep in touch’? I don’t remember.

Oh, well, another guy come and gone. Or, was it? I mean, nothing significant really happened besides there been a drastic age difference. And I can’t deny that it was flattering from someone his age to tell you how pretty you were.

So what do I take from all this? Simple; I need to keep it up, put myself out there and never loose hope that the next one might just be ‘the one’.

I woke up the following day determined to take a resolution with all the communications I had received. Yes, all of them!

The first step I took was to scroll down the page and check off all photos that didn’t ‘click’ with me the first second I looked at them, and then hit ‘delete.’

I did not delete the 23 year old or 50 something man, as they were not that bad looking.

I responded to the young one the same as I did with Jesse, “I’m old enough to be your mom,” to which he said, “I don’t care. Can you handle it?” to which I concluded, “Sorry, not interested” (to what I really felt like answering, “Why don’t you just cover yourself with a condom and just sperm off?”).

I then continued to the older one; “Aren’t you concerned about the age difference?” This is the same situation as before, but in reverse. He wasn’t pleased by my question, to which he basically responded something related to the quality of people as more important, and ended his communication with “Good-bye.” Good-bye to you too.

Moving on… I then started looking at the photos that got my attention and read their profiles. Some didn’t click with me, others were interesting, but well written, which I liked.

Although some of the guys were for sure not a match, I appreciated that they had taken the time and best effort into what they did, and were as serious as I was to find that ‘special someone.”

After reviewing all profiles, I thought the next step was to choose a few (like 2-3) that I felt were worth continuing keeping the lines of communication open.

But among those two to three, I kept going back to one in particular. His profile was simple and straightforward, nothing out of the ordinary in my world.

What is it about him that is actually ‘moving me’ inside?

“Listen dude, I’m in my 40’s.” This ‘cougar cub’ doesn’t react again to what I just said. He stayed standing there with a look in his eyes that read ‘I’m not going away.’

What else can I say that would definitely make him ‘run away’?

“I’m old enough to be, like, your mom…” Now it’s even worse. Instead, he even got more excited. His face read something to the extent of ‘I’ve hit the motherload!’

It finally hit me what’s going on here. The ‘cougar phenomenon’ is very much alive and kicking. But the men are the ones who are now really embracing it and going for it. They’re the ones who are doing ‘the hunt’ and have turned this ‘sport’ into their newest hobby.

Forget about watching football. Landing a cougar is the ultimate ticket to the major leagues of manhood.

But I’m not going for it, not this time around.

From what he was telling me about himself, I could tell that he was a descent guy, brought well with values and ethics by his family. He had a lot of attributes that any girl (his age) would appreciate.

He crossed me as someone that, even at 23, is worth spending time with and even going to the next level if the relationship is heading the right way.

“Why are you interested in me? Doesn’t the age difference bother you at all?” asked I. This is the first time I’ve gotten this serious with a guy I just met. Maybe I’ve finally learned my lesson from Dina and Madelyn; if it’s not for you, move on.

“I just want to get know you and take this as far as possible. If not, I’ll settle for just a friendship,” said he.

Oh, gosh, he sounds exactly like me. I’ve used this line so many other times and still have ended up involved in some way with no good results in the long run.

But I don’t feel it this time. I just don’t want anything, period.

Wow, this is a major breakthrough for me.

The ball is on my side now. What’s the call I’m going to go for here?

et cetera