The New M.E. Generation











I kept myself ‘busy’ by eating the pizza non-stop. I wasn’t talking much because this conversation was all about him, as it has always been and which I have allowed it to be.

Ever since he reappeared in my life, I’ve been analyzing

    him

and what he did or not, etc., way back in high school. The sad part is I haven’t concentrated my efforts in where I stood and stand now.

Sounds familiar? That’s how it happened in my marriage. It was all about my ‘x’ and his ‘me, me, me’ attitude. Deep inside he didn’t care about me and I became a means to an end, and when I couldn’t fulfill his need (especially that of children), out I went.

So, in the end, he would have let me anyway, even if I gave him what he wanted, because once needs are fulfilled, your work ‘is done’ and ‘your services are no longer needed’.

I kept looking at ‘the beach guy’ while he kept talking and asked myself where would I fit in all this when, again, it’s all about him (and his kids). The ‘overhead compartment’ seems pretty full from here.

After showing me the endless photos and videos of his beloved one, he then showed me photos of his ‘toys’, which included cars and an RV. They were so many that they made me feel small and that my life was somewhat meaningless.

Here I am with no material property that belongs to me as a whole. I rent an apartment and I still have a year to go on my car payments.

Besides that, I have a job, a few friends and some men that are basically ‘inactive’ as we speak. I have no plans for the future and have no clue what happens next after this night is over.

On the other hand, if you have so much good going on in your life, what’s the need of all these ‘toys’?

I may have been ‘clinging’ on guys in the past for emotional reasons and my ‘toys’ are clothes and shoes I buy at mega store sales. But even if I had all the money in the world, I wouldn’t surround myself with objects that, in my opinion, give you temporary satisfaction.

So, who’s really here with an empty hole to fill? I thought this guy had it all figured out, but what’s really ‘eating’ him inside? I was now looking at a person I barely knew.

What about me? Was still feeling smaller than his actual height, but satisfied in realizing that, from an emotional standpoint, I’m not doing that bad. Actually, I’ve made great strides and this night is an example of it.

And, right now, the other thing that’s giving me ‘instant gratification’ is this pizza that I’m eating. If I’m picturing anything memorable from this night, this will certainly be it.

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{September 2, 2013}   Take Me Back 19 – Sing it to me

This process of putting the pieces of the past together has been a great mental exercise. It’s still strange, though, that there have been bits missing. How is it possible that I don’t remember all about Johann when he was such an important part of my life?

I’ll tell you this. One day I was driving to work and the radio station played a song that woke me up more than my alarm does.

The song was one among many of the music that I had mailed him in the past. I don’t remember specifically about the rest, other than they were primarily love songs.

The lyrics of this one always reminded me of him. It sang about this man who constantly has to travel for work and this separates him from his loved one.

He knows that what he does is not how life with a significant other is supposed to be, but he reassures her that, no matter what happens, he will always be faithful to her.

The song continues in that he asks the same of her, to not stray, and that whenever he gets to see her again, he feels joy in discovering her over and over.

I identified with the song because Johann and I had a friendship and love for each other that was not the standard. He was always traveling and I would get to know him more with each new letter received. Even more, he was faithful to me all the time he was in the navy.

Using this song in the present, it was the ultimate joy that we got to reconnect and know each other again.

There are no expectations here other than to stay together as friends and that we may live our lives for others and ourselves accordingly.

The only part of the song that may not ‘repeat’ is seeing each other. That’s a hard one and will take a lot more than just singing the blues for it to happen.



et cetera