The New M.E. Generation











The next day we exchanged texts again about other random things. Don’t recall what we were chatting about when he says: “I’m sure you’re still as beautiful as ever”.

I was one of those ‘ahhh’ moments that shook me to my core. One of those when you had completely forgotten how good it feels like when reading such a thought like that. And, how are you supposed to respond to such a message?

Honestly, my mind went blank about what to say other than thanking him. Since I’ve never been able to ‘go below the surface’ and find out what he’s really made of, I felt me opening about my feelings now was not the right thing to do.

Another few days later, again talking nonsense, I finally braved up to say: “I was meaning to ask you. Are you seeing anyone?”

He: “Nah.”

Me: “No nurses?” (Recap: he once got involved with another, probably one of many. When I saw on social media that he sent roses to her for Valentine’s and she posted the photo of the arrangement along with all this romantic text thanking him, I unfriended him immediately. I learned later on that when he tried to break-up with her, she threatened to kill herself. This may sound like a General Hospital episode, but no surprise here.

One word: Karma. It’s not the first time that guys say they’re not interested in me, to then hook up with some chick that later turned out to be a psycho bitch, to then reappear as if nothing has happened.’)

Him: “No nurses. Had a GF nurse. Broke up about 4-5 weeks ago.”

(So that’s why he came back… I told you so that there was something more here!)

Him: “I don’t do liars or cheaters.”

Me: “She cheated on you?”

Him: “Yup.”

Me: “Ouch! How did you find out?” (Karma. Again. And I didn’t say I was sorry for what happened to him because I’m not.)

Him: “I went to leave a love note in her wallet and there was someone else’s love note in there.” (Dude, you can’t go into other people’s things! Did you check her phone too while you were at it?)

And, what? He revealed his feelings? He expressed them on paper? Whoa!

But, Karma, again, of course. You never really wanted me and now life is getting back at you. Hurts doesn’t it? Wouldn’t be surprised it was that extremely bleached blond from your photo in the boat.

I don’t remember him being romantic with me, ever. I, on the other hand, was the one who once did write a note to him.

When my school held the annual Farewell Assembly for his graduating class, the custom was that you could send, and had delivered, cards and else from other students.

I decided to send him a card; I debated first whether it was worth doing it or not. After deciding to do so, I then had difficulty deciding what to say beyond the expected congratulations and well wishes.

I probably wrote something to the extent that ‘I will never forget you’, ‘Will miss you’, or ‘You’ll always have a friend here’. Thoughts that we tell others, but not always follow through later on.

Thoughts that in the heat of the moment touch our hearts greatly, to later maybe get forgotten once the day is over and the cards are put away, and we walk out the door towards the next chapter of our life.

I remember the event being held in the auditorium with people from the 7-11 grades. His class was sitting on the stage in about 4 rows of chairs. He happened to be on the first row towards stage left. He was wearing like a light brown suit with the darkest of tans.

My class was also sitting to that side, so I had a good view of him. When someone stood in front of him to give him the envelopes, he first had a look of ‘oh, for me?’. He held his hand open to accept them. 1-2-3-4. By the third one, his eyes opened wide and the face changed to a surprised one.

He read one by one. At one point he looked my way with teary eyes (yes I’m sure!), but don’t know if they were intended for me.

As the activity came to an end, many students jumped on stage to dance to “Come Sail Away“, the chosen theme song. I, of course, took the opportunity to be next to him. He did break out in some dance (yes he did!), and I shed some tears to which he didn’t react to much.

As the years go by, no matter what I do, I always go back to that day when I hear that song.

“I look to the sea; reflections in the waves spark my memory. / Some happy, some sad. / I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had.”

Yep, if only life could be as easy as a day at the beach.

 

 

 

 



After this long-extended first date, Bob and I continued seeing each other once a week and speaking on the phone almost every night.

Among the new things I learned about him was that he had a motorcycle and boat. Regarding the first, he is part of this group of cyclists that get together when someone organizes a meetup via email. One Saturday he texted me some photos before they all went for a day-long drive.

Asking me if I have been on one, he was surprised to know that, unfortunately, that has not happened with me.

I told him the ‘closest’ experience was riding a scooter in a Caribbean island with my ex when we were in the initial part of our relationship. I wanted to add humor to my anecdote, so I said that ‘we drove all over the place on one day’, that each time a stop was made in a street light, ‘I would get up from the seat to stretch, as my body began hurting after a while’.

What was really hurting was my butt, but I didn’t wanted to use that language with him just yet. And I know I shouldn’t be including my ‘x’ in conversations, but, at the same time, I didn’t say anything negative about him in this instance because it had been a nice experience for me.

Bob then asked me if I would like riding a motorcycle, to which I said that ‘yes, I would be open to doing that’, but that I would have to do it a couple of times before I gave him a more concrete answer as to whether I like bikes or not.

Regarding boats, I do have experience with that. I explained to him that during ‘my past life’ there was one that we owned, and that I was enjoying it at the beginning. But after a while of waking up every Sunday, rushing to the marina, spending a few hours on it, to then quickly rushing back before the lift stopped working for the day, washing it, giving it maintenance, dealing with the hot weather, etc., it eventually took a toll on me.

It became unenjoyable of working the whole week, then doing chores or errands on Saturdays (basically meaning having only 1 free day of some rest). Even when considering vacations, the boat had to be included somehow, which also took the fun away of planning or doing anything different that was non-water related.

As much as I tried to digest it, reality is that you either love boating or not. It’s either or. There’s no middle ground here. Even if you feel so-so about it, it means that you don’t.

My ‘x’, on the other hand, had been boating since forever. Even more, his grandfather and father have owned boats.

This is so engrained within him, that when I told him one time that I didn’t want to go out on the boat, he took it very personal in that I didn’t wanted to be him, which wasn’t true.

I tried to explain myself to Bob as objectively as possible, with an unfortunate tone in my voice that ‘it was me that wasn’t feeling the boat’, hoping not to point the finger at anything or anyone.

But when I mentioned that my ‘x’ took it personal me not wanting to be in the boat, I accidentally said that “it was always about him, my marriage was all about that: him.”

It was a sad and hurtful moment to realize. It never occurred to my ‘x’ to ask me about my feelings that day about the boat or anything else that had to do with me. As long as I did everything he expected of me, all was ‘fine’. He never cared to go below the surface and see what was causing the whirlwind within me.

Bob then wondered how I felt about boating in general, to which I said that ‘I haven’t done it for so long, it feels as if I’ve never experienced it before; that I would also need to do it a couple of times to define what my feelings are about it in the present’.

I may have sounded negative, but I wasn’t going to jump all over with excitement about joining him on the boat if that was not the case. I know that it’s worse to lie to others because it will bite you back later on and can be turned against you. I prefer to be straightforward in the beginning so if the other person doesn’t like it, then better now than later to part ways.

In spite all that I said, Bob still invited me to join him on his boat on a Saturday. Nice. At least he seems to understand where I’m coming from. I think.

I did mean what I said that I would be willing to give it a try. Just because I have bad memories doesn’t mean I can’t create good ones now. Who knows, I might shift all the way to liking it completely.

You may ask if I have any emotions still linked to the first boat mentioned (and that guy). I will tell you this: after all these years being single, I now feel a huge relief that I don’t have to deal with anything related to both any more.

I have sailed forward the best of my ability and have discovered more than some new worlds.

I have found the calm after the storm.

 

 

 

 

 



et cetera