The New M.E. Generation











I have been pretty good in keeping my own promise of not contacting other guys.

Some have sent me messages once in a while just to inquiry about me.

I would read the message, analyze the content, as well as time and date received, and then reply, but not right away.

I know I don’t have to reply, but good manners never go out of style, and they reflect who I am as a person, so will keep it up.

One thing I’ve done different is that I don’t ask them ‘when are we seeing each other?’. If they were the ones to ask, then I would reply as brief as possible: ‘Don’t know. You tell me.’

Of course they would never follow-up, so at least I would ‘feel’ good that they remember me for whatever reason that may have been.

The year came and went, and when the holidays were approaching, I thought about just wishing then good things as you’re supposed to. Besides, I had no regrets or hard feelings, so, why not?

The thought circled my mind for days, but with work and projects pending before vacation started, I kept telling myself to do it for days, but wouldn’t get around to do it.

When I finally made the time to do so, I get a text no other than from Ivan. It was like my thoughts had text him instead.

He was one of those that were on my mental list to contact.
In spite of his many failed relationships and tons of dispensed advice to him, plus all those times he said ‘we will definitely meet’, which he never got to, there has always been something about this guy that brings me back to him. Trying to decipher what that is as complex for me as trying to understand what really happened that we’re not together.

“Happy holidays”, text he.

“Thanks! Likewise. How’s life treating you?” (meaning as if you’re involved with someone). Last time I spoke with him he had recently ended the relationship ‘for good’ after endless attempts.

The breakup and comebacks were so bad, I told him at one point that I didn’t know what was worse, his tumultuous relationships or me not having found a boyfriend since becoming single.

“What are your plans?” asked he then.

“Staying around. Got some invitations. You?”

“Leaving town, but will be back before the new year. We definitely need to do something when I return.”

“Sounds good. Call me. Have fun.”

I know he won’t call, not even if Santa appeared to him. It’s one of those things you stopped believing in when you learn the truth about it, but just don’t want to let go off.

It was a great feeling when you got what you once wished for and one just wants to feel it again.

After all, isn’t that’s what the season about, believing?

Advertisements


Despite the huge disappointment I had with Edward in the brief time we were together (if I can define it as that), I did what I used to do with other guys, I kept communicating with him. In other words, I was the one who continued putting the effort of having anything, if that, going.

The difference was I wasn’t pursuing him continuously. I would call him once in a while to find out how he and his children were doing. I would even ask him how things with the chick from the party were doing.

Turns out they were still dating, but he wouldn’t talk much about it. His divorce was still ongoing and was taking longer than it needed to be, so he just wanted to get that resolved first and then worry about what happened later.

Interesting part was I wasn’t feeling much when we discussed his love life. I think the circumstances of all that happened simply closed by emotions to him.

I was content with the relationship we were having, even if it was only through a phone. Sometimes he would invite me to the dog park to hang out with him, kids and pet on any given Sunday afternoon.

They were pleasant, stress-free moments. Still, I would look at all that and wondered if I had let a good opportunity pass me by. After all, he had all that I wanted from a man, all except feelings for him that would motivate me to try to pursue a relationship.

I would try to imagine myself as his companion and being part of his kids’ life, but there was something that wasn’t connecting it all together.

There was no spark or something that pushed me towards him. Yes, it was all weird. How was it possible that of all the guys I met I would feel something, but not towards him?

Was it that I tried so hard to make it right that I actually made it all wrong? Did I become my own worst enemy, literally?

And before I could actually answer my own questions, it all came down to an end in an instant.

It was another day at the dog park. I don’t remember if I called him (probably did) and when I got there, the chick from the party was also there. We both looked at each other as if we were having an out of body experience.

Edward didn’t seem to understand how uncomfortable the situation was, especially me who had no business being there. Even more, the way they behaved clearly showed they were already an item. He literally took me to the dogs and it was time for me to talk a walk far away from there.

After that day I believe I stopped communicating with him all together. From time to time I would see his posts and she would always be at his side.

They were always traveling somewhere (kids included) and the locations were ones any woman would love to go to.

I would again wonder if I had made a mistake with him. Damn, that could have been me in all those photos.

I was feeling envious, but more of the relationship they were having (which I didn’t have) and the allure of traveling the world.

Reality is, all that may sound very romantic, but if you don’t feel anything for the other person, you will not enjoy any of it. That has happened to me before, so, believe me, I know what I’m saying.

Let’s just say this flight has landed and will not take this route (with him) ever again.



I made the call and about 4 rings later, got his voicemail, not with his voice, but those who are automated (‘You have reached the mailbox of…).

I’ve always hated those, so impersonal and robotic. Besides, he’s a guy and the voice is that of a woman. Why aren’t there other alternatives that might ‘personalize’ it somehow?

So, in my usual manner, I left Ivan the same message I always do. “Hi, Ivan, it’s me, Emma. Just calling to say hello and know how things are going with you. Hope all is well. Call me if you can.”

He called me back about 3 days later while I was at work. That’s what usually happened; he would either never return my call, or do so at a day and time it would be difficult for me to give him my undivided attention, forcing the call to conclude quickly.

I know he’s always busy and returning my call it’s done in-between the little free time he has. But the real reason he would do it this way is because he’s not much of a talker, especially with me. He knows I will tell him the truth about his existence and, when I do, I’m not nice.

But this time around, I was the one who needed to be listened to. It was almost the end of the year and this one had been particularly difficult.

On top of that, I was still without a guy, would have been my 20-year anniversary, as well as my late father’s birthday.

At work, things were complicated as well. My boss was giving me a hard time and the other assistant couldn’t take the heat from her either.

Every day that I would walk through the door, this person would have a long face and would immediately start bitching about the boss.

Everything just piled up and I was reaching my breaking point. I didn’t know what to do. Beyond feeling that life was unfair to me, I felt time kept going by and I was stuck in the same place as always. That moment of great change hasn’t happened and was wondering if it would ever do.

“Hey, Ivan, how are you?”

“Fine, sweetie; how are you? Sorry I’m calling you at work.”

“It’s all right; I can talk for a few.” Lucky me, my boss wasn’t in the office. “Actually, no, I’m not that well.”

“What’s going on? Talk to me.”

“Question is, what has not happened to me.”

And just like that, this need to cry out all my emotions suddenly overwhelmed me.

No turning back now. Have to let it all out.



It had been a long and enjoyable weekend and still had the second city to get to for the day.

My friend got out of the water, rinsed off, changed clothes and else, while I sat on the car waiting for him when I checked my phone. It was around 3pm.

And, there it was, a missed call from an unidentified caller. Looking at the number, I took a guess it could be no one else but ‘the beach guy’.

I called back, got his voicemail, and left a message.

Great, now this is going to be like the ‘back and forth’ emails that we send to each other at random times.

I had mixed feelings when I heard his voice. On one end I was glad that, after all these years, we would finally get to speak to each other. On the other, I was having a gut feeling life was to repeat itself.

My friend got inside the car and, when I was about to start it, the phone rang again and it was he. The moment of truth had arrived and I was nervous.

We exchanged the usual greetings and small talk before getting down to business.

“I’m 2 hours away from you,” said he. “I could drive down today and stay at a hotel to sleep.”

“The thing is I’m headed to another place now with my friend to have dinner there and then drive all the way back, so I don’t know what time I’ll be back. You should have called me ahead of time. Can you make it tomorrow?” asked I.

“No, I have a lot to do tomorrow, starting with my kids. It’s difficult for me to plan ahead. Also, is that guy your boyfriend?”

I knew this question would come up. “No, he’s not my boyfriend!” said I in an upsetting tone. “I’ve known him since I was 13 and graduated from our school as well.” (Dude, if I invited you to come see me it’s because I have an interest in you.)

I thought to myself, why am I giving this extensive explanation to him? Worst of all, I should have stepped outside my car and taken the call away from my friend. The way I responded to the question was totally wrong.

The conversation got into more of ‘who should done what and when’, or who was responsible for this failed attempt to see each other.

So, I agreed with ‘the beach guy’ that I would call him when I was traveling back from my dinner.

I took the wheel again and tried to concentrate on my driving, but my friend knew I was upset. I didn’t want to talk about it because I was sure his opinion about the other guy just got more negative.

At a certain point I did vent out because I was frustrated yet again at my bad luck with men.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have told him about meeting. I feel like a fool for getting my hopes too high like you said,” said I.

“Better now than later,” answered he.

“I know, but nothing happened. I don’t know what to make of it.”

“Don’t think about it. Enjoy your vacation.”

Yes, I should. I’ll figure it out (or not) after my trip ends.



I didn’t mention the long weekend again to the ‘beach guy’ until the day before I was set to leave. The message was more like a reminder, as I was not expecting much response from him. I had even told him to call me and he didn’t do that either.

My friend arrived two days before departing. I checked my emails one last time before leaving and, finally, a message.

‘When are you leaving?’ asked he. ‘About to go; TTUL’ said I. But, wherever or not we would meet, that was still up in the air.

While driving, my friend noticed my seriousness. This was supposed to be a vacation away from the usual routine that surrounded my life. I tried to avoid discussing my mood by saying that I was concentrated on what I was doing.

Although we have been friends forever and spoke occasionally, there was a lot of catching up to do with my school friend, especially the topic of men. And with a 3-hour road trip, what better time than now to discuss it?

“The pattern that I see on these guys that you meet is that you’re not their priority,” said he. “They know that you’re alone and don’t have much of a social life. So whenever they’re done with their day or when a date goes wrong, that’s when they decide to call you.

None of them are worthy of you, including that one you’re hoping to see. The way he behaves with you is another example of what I’m trying to tell you.

He only sends you emails and we’re on our way and still couldn’t give you an answer? What is that?

He says he’s busy with work, kids, and whatever else in his life. He may not tell you, but what he’s saying is that he’s not that interested in you.

You should handle this like when you’re standing in line to send a package: NEXT!!!”

I knew he was right, as always. He’s one of those few guys in my life who had earned the right to tell me how it is.

We changed topics several more times during our travel. We finally got to our destination and I couldn’t be happier.

I didn’t touch the ‘beach guy’ subject again. I kept my phone close to me hoping for a call. I even thought about checking my emails, but decided not to.

You know what? It’s time to ‘log out’ from that and ‘log in’ into my vacation.



The communication kept coming, but basically it remained via email, which started to bother me. I made a few attempts to call him, but it would go to voicemail and then he wouldn’t return my call.

It was that situation again where I felt I was making all the efforts to make anything happen. One early Saturday morning, though, there was a breakthrough. I was still sleeping when he called.

“You’re still in bed? I’ve been up since 8am. I gave breakfast to my kids, dropped them off at their mom’s, jogged for a while, and now I’m headed to the beach for a while. Have something pending to do with my daughter this afternoon.”

I haven’t said much myself and felt I was wasting my morning (and life) all together. “Sounds like an interesting day.” (Is this all I can really say?)

We kept doing the ‘small talk’ and, out of nowhere, I decided to give an explanation of what I felt about him way back then. I don’t know why I did it. I’ll blame it on being half awake or half asleep.

“I think my attraction to you was more that I wished I had what you had. The closeness to your family and intelligence were things I envied. By being with you I hoped those things would become part of my life.”

I had no recollection of how he responded or know if he actually internalized what I expressed. Our conversation had to end abruptly when he received a call from the hospital he works at.

I felt stupid after hanging up. What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to explain myself to him? Sounds like I wanted forgiveness for something I never did.

After all, he was the one who didn’t pay much attention to me at school, continued any contact with me after he graduated, or even after we saw each other years later. And now he’s pretty much behaving in the same way.

I’m giving this situation way too much thought when his actions are giving me the answers.

I was having my coffee when he sent me a photo. He took a selfie from inside his car in which he posed with a wacky face. The message read, ‘my dog took it.’ Guess this is his version of the sense of humor I was wondering about or didn’t knew existed.

The texts continued. ‘Saw this giant stingray while paddling.’ ‘Beautiful day.’ Now this is the beach guy I used to know.

I sort of felt happy for the conversation because I finally got it off my chest. But I didn’t get his side of the whole matter, so this is not yet concluded.

Question is: will that opportunity ever happen?



{June 10, 2013}   Take Me Back 8 – I believe

‘The ship is going to be in your hometown again, but only for one day’, read the letter.

I was going to see him again! That was incredible, considering it had only been a few months since I first met him.

The ship was just going to make a stopover, so Johann explained he would call me home at the first opportunity he had. How and when we would meet was to be determined upon the ship’s arrival and him being able to disembark it.

A couple of weeks went by and when the day arrived, I was really scared that this reunion would not occur.

I remember getting up that Saturday doing my usual things, but never leaving home. At some point my mother noticed I was sitting in the balcony for extended periods of time or running to the phone every time it rang. I told her the truth and she took it well.

The day turned into night and I kept waiting, and waiting, until (ring!) the phone call I wanted to get was finally received.

“Hey, I made it!” said he.

I was so happy I could barely contain my emotions. “Can’t believe we’re talking again! Never thought it would happen”. Yes, I was trying to be cool but couldn’t.

Whatever else was said was that, because it was already night, it was better that he took a cab and meet me at home.

I hanged up and sat on the balcony again waiting for his arrival. It was probably the longest wait ever for me back then. Every minute felt like an hour.

Then, after ‘an eternity’ passed, I saw this cab pull up. Johann was in it and pointed to the driver as in ‘this is the place’, paid and got off.

‘He’s here, he’s here’, I thought to myself.

Talking about making a wish and getting it. After this day, I certainly do believe.



I suggested we went to the restaurant on my car using the reason that I knew how to get there easily.

Reality was I still wanted to be in the ‘driver’s seat’ of controlling the situation. Plus, after his never-ending travel to my place, I just wanted to get to the location quickly and finish the night the same way.

We got there within a few minutes and got some wine. I, again, was facing him forward and kept my serious demeanor at all times.

He started talking about pretty much what we did way back on our first date, especially on the ‘I can’t believe my friend didn’t tell me about you’ topic, and I realized this was going to be a long evening.

“Listen,” said I, “if it is beyond your believe that he never told you about me, why don’t you call him and complain to him directly?”

That threw him off guard completely. Seriously, dude, enough with your whining already. I’ll tell you why he probably didn’t tell you; you’re annoying!

When he realized I wasn’t into discussing that topic, he kept on with other ones from before, but between the drink and meal, I simply tuned out the conversation. I managed to do that so well I can’t recall any of it.

And, just when I thought the dinner had some time left to finish, turns out the people sitting at the table next to us were from the same hometown, and off he was talking to them.

“Well, hey,” said he, “you probably knew (name), he was my uncle! Man, I loved that guy!”

Where does this come from? I knew who that person was. He was a very well known public figure that became famous on a national level when people from home were starting to make a presence in it.

Unfortunately he passed away rather quickly about 15 years ago and it was a big blow for everyone. He was very close to him and the drinking surely brought back memories of the times they shared together.

The people at the other table didn’t pay much attention into that so he kept talking about it with me. Although I admired his uncle, I wasn’t much into listening about him, but at least it was a change of topics that didn’t include me, his friend, or anything else I’ve already heard far too many times.

He kept on going until, to my luck, we finished dinner, the wine and anything else he wanted to say.

Time to move on = ‘check please!’



“Care to dispute? I’m listening,” said I. “From experience, whether you call them or not, behave well (or not) on the first date and else, afterwards most of them become MIA.

My girlfriend says that if you don’t impress them right away, they’re not interested in you for anything, not even a friendship. I think she’s right.”

“So you’re saying that men are not interest in you after that first date because you’re unable to impress them?” asked he.

“I don’t know what their problem is, but that’s pretty much what’s happening. Even if I make the effort of calling them, they don’t return my calls or want to go out again.”

“I just don’t get it. If you have been able to recover your personality, you shouldn’t be having this problem. It doesn’t make sense.

I wonder what aura you emit that make men want to take off. Maybe you’re trying too hard or feeling insecure.”

“I think it’s a combination of things. After been married for so long you have to figure out how to date again like when we did back in school.

More than trying too hard, I think it’s a trial and error. I have to keep on trying until I get it right.

Insecure? Sometimes because you don’t get why guys snob you. But I’ve learned not to take it personal or put the blame on me.”

“You were always kind of quiet in school, but smiling and in a good mood. If you’re not happy now with yourself and/or your life, it will hold you back to getting what you want. You need to get rid of the crap that won’t allow you to fly.

You’re still young and attractive, and should be living life to the fullest. And, you don’t need a guy to be in that good place. You do need to get your act together or you will never be happy in a relationship.”

“I know, I know. I’m working on it.”



et cetera