The New M.E. Generation











{August 31, 2020}   Looking Back 74 – The wish

After the last conversation regarding whether or not the situation (or lack of thereof) between us ‘works’ or not (it does for him), I did as I promised of distancing myself yet again.

I wasn’t calling him like I did before; I would send text messages once in a while just to touch base. I know this is not a total disconnection per se, but since we’re going through a pandemic, and he said he was doing some efforts to help the community on this matter, I thought it is the right thing to do.

Also, his ‘sabbatical’ experience is something I’m sure left some scars on him, meaning, sometimes you have to put your emotions aside and look at the bigger picture, which is not always ourselves.

Case in point, his birthday was coming up. As much as I try to ‘forget’ this date so I don’t think about him, it’s impossible to do because it’s exactly a month before mine. So even if I forgot to configure my phone to remind me, I will always remember.

And it’s only once a year. If there’s no big reason not to reach out to him for this event, then, why not?

Me: “Good afternoon. Happy birthday! A big hug to you.”

Him: “Thank you, but it’s tomorrow.”

Me: “How embarassing! My bad!” (What’s wrong with me?? What date was I thinking of??)

Him: “Nah, it’s very sweet of you.”

Me: “Isn’t it something that your birthday is in reverse to mine? Yours is on the 9th (month 8) and I’m on the 8th (month 9). That’s why I always remember! (Awkward!)”

Him: “Right.” (That’s it? That’s all you have to say?)

The next day…

Me: “Hello again. Here I come for a do-over: congrats on your day and many good things to you always! Hugs!”)

Him: “Thank you for the wishes yesterday and the day before.”

Me: “You’re welcome [happy face emoji].”

Him: “Seriously… Thank you.”

Me: [Hug emoji]

Well, how about that? He seriously liked what I did. That’s nice. It made me (and him) feel good (I think). I kept on with my day as any other one, but holding him on my thoughts as I dealt with things.

Which made me wonder what he wished for, if that. After all he’s done (and survived) in his life, what does a person like him is missing in wishing for? Good question.

Maybe that’s something for me to consider when my own special day happens. Do I wish for him to remember and reciprocate my gesture? Of course. That and much more. It would be equally nice as well.

 

 

 



I will start by saying that anyone who becomes an intermediary, middle man, negotiator of any kind (whether intentional or not) where at least two people are involved, are in a really bad position. Thus the term “love triangle”; that person usually is in-between a messy situation created by the other two that shouldn’t be there in the first place.

Case in point, this guy and me. Whether my bestie is trying to make some sense of me with this guy or me hoping that she can manage to bring back the friendship in some miraculous way, the thing is that being the third part of the polygon is a painful point that no one should be hit with.

I admit it was a mistake from my part to have her be in this position. When this guy kept saying he didn’t want to talk about the ending of our friendship, in spite that he supposedly “doesn’t hate me”, the message was clear that he was not willing to put down his guard and neither was I.

The tension was alive and well, so much that I told her that if we ever talked again and he regressed back to attacking me verbally, all hell was going to break loose from my side. I made it very clearly I wasn’t going to put up with it again. That if he was willing to have a conversation without going to the past, then maybe a new starting point could happen.

I wanted to believe from her that he was “lighter” in his character, but when I tried to connect with him via text as a start (because social media blocking was still in effect)  and got no response from him, I immediately took a step back and let her know.

I didn’t ask her to intervene, but the back-and-forth was already happening, so indirectly she was forced to.

She was making screenshots of the texting she was having with him regarding the telephone blocking (don’t know why because I trust her word). Apparently the bitch had managed to get into his phone and do it (damn her!), and as soon as he corrected it on his phone, ta-da! All good!

The other mistake I did was that while all this was happening, I was also sending text messages to another guy (not mentioned in this site yet) with whom I also had a fallout. With this second, it was one of those situations that I had no business getting into and instead got myself into deep water.

Although it was all my fault, I deleted him on everything until my emotions leveled down. And I took the courage to write him an apology of how wrong I was, that I don’t like ending things with people on a bad note, and that I would understand if he never spoke to me again.

All the while tears were coming down non-stop. Why? Because it always has to do with a guy. Because she had gotten back with him and I… whatever. Because it has been 5 years since all unraveled and any hope of things being again what they once were was long lost.

Then with the other man, while texting him “I know you probably don’t want to know anything about me” (“I’m not a monster”, said he), and him realizing later that I had unfriended him (he: “why did you do that?”, me: “because I was upset”), on a conversation that ended by him saying that he had feelings for me, but was not in love, (“I’m sorry I can’t feel any different. I don’t have a button. I wished it would be different. You’re a great woman and deserve good.), I reconnected and promised myself never to treat him the way I did ever again.

And then it hit me. Notice the contradiction between these two men? While my ex-friend still had me blocked on social media, who acted like a monster towards me at the end of the friendship and was unwilling to discuss me, this other person has never blocked me, listened to what I had to say, and has no hard feelings towards me in spite of my actions. He did what my former friend never did: gave me a second chance and recognized the good I have within me.

And “the intermediary”? She did what she could within the rules of engagement, up to encouraging me to give my ex-friend a call, knowing of course that this was a shot fired straight into the air. Where will it fall? Let’s see.

 



Turns out that she and this guy had reconnected for a longer time than from when she had let me know. She asked me not say anything to anyone else, because his visits to our hometown were occurring more frequently and more extended in length. Her: “I still have feelings for him…”

WTH? What kind of “feelings” are those? Lack of self-respect? Self-esteem? After all the things he’s done to you, like lying, using and then dumping you to go back to the bitch, you think it’s fine to be with him again without even taking into account all the history involved here?

And I thought I was the one with guy issues! But after looking at this scenario, I haven’t done that bad, you know why? Because I’ve behaved exactly as this guy had taught me: to get rid of men or people that are useless/worthless in my life (“¡eso no sirve!”). Did anybody said “toxic relationship”? Exactly…

When before he would maybe spend a day or a few hours before departing to get back to the states, a long distance relationship was already in place, up to the point that he had left some personal items at her home to have in case he needed them.

Even more, when he needed to retrieve some items out of his storage space that he shared with the bitch, and take his name out of the lease agreement for good, he asked her to accompany him where he used to live previously with that woman.

I expressed to her that I was concerned about him using her again to get his problems solved, to which she disagreed. For him, it was more that in case the bitch showed up at the location at the same time as he (which happened), he didn’t wanted to face her by himself because she already had a new man (which she did).

For her, it was that in case the bitched showed up, that this person would see that this guy and her were back together. It was a “look who’s back, bitch” moment that she very much looked forward to.

Her: “When that bitch saw me, her jaw dropped! She couldn’t believe I was there, to the point she didn’t say a word, which is rare! She later called this guy’s mother to complain and the mom told her to basically go f*ck herself and never call again!”

After this incident, he accompanied her to a wedding and became more participant in other events she had.

Her: “Ever since these two broke up, he has become more ‘light’; he finally recognized that it was a bad relationship. And he’s less of a religious fanatic.” She was very convinced of this, but when I looked at some photos she shared of them traveling and else, I was getting another vibe. His body language might read ‘lighter’, but he didn’t look like he was a changed man.

Case in point, every time the conversation as to why our friendship abruptly ended came up, he would tell her “I don’t want to talk about it” with a tone that it was a non-negotiable topic. That he “didn’t hated me”, but I was still blocked on his phone and social media.

So “light” he isn’t. If he’s waiting for me to come out and apologize to him, or try to take the first step into trying to salvage the damage done so I look like the one who is at fault here, it ain’t happening! He’s still upset with me because I’m standing up to him and that bothers him.

And after 5 years on non-communication between him and me, the forecast doesn’t look good. If neither of us is willing to consider a peace treaty, the war between us will continue, unless someone else takes the step of holding the olive branch and do it.

 

 



Just when I thought I had it all figured out with the beach guy, even of going as far as accepting his friend request once again on social media, he comes back to prove me wrong.

Case in point: I was checking my feed on a Sunday afternoon, when I come across a notification that such person had changed its profile picture.

It was a selfie he took using one hand while looking at the phone, while the other is placed in a woman’s forehead, specifically the one with the ultra-bleached hair I made a mention before. Their heads are touching together. She’s smiling and her eyes are closed. The caption reads: “Your head hurts?”

I was disappointed, but more calm than normally would, because I finally find out the real reason why he doesn’t want me going there. So him being entirely single is not as true as he said he was.

As I’m seeing it, he was keeping me ‘on the side’ because of the distance. I was a like a second option in case this chick, or anyone else there, didn’t work out. That’s why he kept the conversation and ‘pretty’ comments going so he wouldn’t lose me.

Perhaps he wanted to ‘go bi-coastal’ and be with 2 people at once. Like the saying goes: “The left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing.” Think about it. He could have pulled that off had it played it well. But him posting the photo was his downfall.

Me: “So who’s the blonde in your profile picture?”

Him: “Ah, she’s a girl that I just started hanging out with. Likely will turn into a GF. I’ve known her for a long time. And we hung out before.” (This is how one of those ‘gotcha’ moments look like when the person can’t get their story straight. And don’t try to downgrade the situation. You knew her before; said it yourself. She’s been floating in your gravity for a while.)

“She’s a lot of fun.” (Oouu! Did you notice the detail in this sentence? He said ‘fun’. That’s the exact thing the Cuban lady warned me about men during the cards reading [see ‘The Reading’ chapters under The Ex-Friend story]. She basically said guys don’t want any commitments with you, but for anything else, including going out and have good times, they’re in.

Analyzing this further, if this is the only positive thing he can say about her, “Run, Forrest, Run”.)

Me: “That’s why you don’t want me visiting you.”

Him: “Well that’s not the reason, although if she and I are exclusive, I’m sure she wouldn’t like that.”

Me: “And me saying I wanted to see you.”

Him: “OMG. You and I go back a long time. But you live so far, which makes a relationship hard. And I will never lie to you.”

Me: “Sounds like you did.”

Him: “Seriously?”

Me: “I asked you before if you were seeing anyone. How do you think I felt when I saw your photo? Whatever, I made a fool of myself.”

Him: “I wasn’t. You didn’t make a fool of yourself.”

Yes, I did that because, once again, I put my emotions out in the open, and thought maybe there was a possibility of something happening between us.

Reality is, he was clear in his position and I interpreted it differently. That’s what happens when we allow the past to influence us into thinking one can rewrite history and get the romantic ending you were hoping for.

Me (about 2 days later): “The fact that you reappeared after some years left me restless. From my part I always felt there was something that remained unfinished between us. But now I know it’s not. Regardless the reasons you have for us not seeing each other only shows there’s not enough interest. I’m not upset. I have learned things don’t always result like one wants. We may have a long history, but I’m the one who needs to move on and close chapter with you, which you always did.”

In other words, hadn’t I pursued him again, none of this would have happened.

Incredibly, he didn’t reply back. I also unfriended him. Copy that. Talking about ‘being on delay’ as he once said.

I sent another text sometime later to complete answering his last remarks.

Me: “I made a fool of myself because I thought you had some feelings for me. And forget the distance excuse. If you were interested in me, you would go the extra mile to make it happen. That’s how it goes.”

Still waiting.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Memories are like flood water: they never stop once they start flowing.

Case in point, a former high school teacher of mine was commenting on social media that the school had created a promotional video which included several photos of students throughout the decades. One of them had members from my class and, you guessed it, I was one of those in the image. (Note: This happened way before the ‘beach guy’ recently resurfaced.)

I kept it saved on my smartphone for emotional purposes. I hadn’t seen it for a while, then one day it dawn on me that this guy was in the photo right before mine. I know it was him because that particular image was included in a yearbook, which I got a copy of back in the day.

Still, I looked at the video again and paused it to be sure. I mean, what were the chances that he and I would end up in it when this was put together?? Think about it. It was like one of those moments when I get the feeling that the universe is trying to tell me something. What specifically? Don’t know.

Me: “Hey, check out this promo video from school. You’re in it.”

Him (the next day late in the evening): “I like it.”

Me: “Was that you in the b&w photo? Did you see me?”

Him: “Yes and yes. I had hair. You’re so cute.”

Oh no, here we go again with him telling me I’m pretty. Is he trying to compensate for it, because he never did before? I kept looking at the sentence, wondering if to take the opportunity to tell him directly that I wanted to see him. But every time I did, I held back.

Honestly, it all felt like that scene from the ‘Sex and the City’ movie, where the main character is reading several emails from her former fiancé, and the last one reads: “I know I screwed it up – but I will love you forever.” She covers her face using her hands, then looks at the screen confused as to what to do next.

She then thinks to herself: “I wanted to call him, but our love, Carrie and Big, volumes 1, 2 and 3, stopped me.” My situation felt similar like this, except that he never used these words with me, and is short (maybe I should refer to him as ‘Mr. Small’ from now one).

Me: “Check out my hairstyle! (face with tears of joy emoji). You should show it to your kids.”

Him: “I will.”

Me: “The video makes me nostalgic” (hint, hint).

Him: “Yes it does. It’s a great promo video.”

Me: “It makes me want to see you, but easier said than done.” (There, I said it. Hint, hint, hint…)

We ended the texting shortly after, without him giving any replies to what I last said. It’s obvious that if he’s not taking the situation about us meeting, even when I’m using nostalgia, seriously, he won’t later on.

So what to do now? Honestly, I’m not into engaging in any of those ‘I said, you said’ arguments this time around, when his texts already expressed this underlying message: I’m into you, but not enough to go the extra mile.

If he was really interested in seeing me or having something beyond (whatever it is), he would have either called me by now, or be making plans to make it happen.

The distance excuse is not going to cut it. There’s people who have ‘moved heaven and earth’ to be with the one they love, and so can he.

He may argue that we have a past together, but has certainly given a lot more of himself to other women that he ever did to me, the one he says has great memories with.

The attention is in the details, and you’ve given me enough of them to prove my point.

 

 

 

 



As I’m starting to finally say all that I needed about this unfortunate incident in my life, I’ve realized that as much as you may try to move on and completely get over it, sometimes something will always remain unresolved. Maybe that’s because it’s never really over until it’s over, meaning that even after doing your part, if the other person doesn’t end it completely, there will always be this link that just refuses to break.

Case in point: I recently made a trip to Cuba and one of the things in my agenda was to get a cards reading from a spiritual woman. It’s not that I hadn’t done it before, but thought someone abroad would give me a different take on everything, especially matters of the heart.

This woman lived by herself in this one-bedroom apartment on a 13th floor. It had an amazing view of the ocean. She took me to her bedroom where her furniture was as old as her, with many pieces being dusty or broken down.

Her bed was unmade and she quickly threw a blanket over it. “Once you make your bed, all else gets organized,” said she. I looked around the room while sitting on a chair, wondering what I’ve gotten myself into.

We were both close to the edge of the bed which now doubled as a table. She was using Spanish cards or “barajas” to do the reading. She would shuffle them and then ask me to separate them in three groups. She would then turn over one group at a time and do the reading.

“You carry a loving thought with you,” started she. I put a face that I couldn’t understand what she meant. “Think about it and you’ll figure it out.”

“There’s a guy with a slight dark skin. Do you know this guy?” I did a fast checklist of all ones I’ve known and nobody fit the profile. I shook my head as in ‘no, I don’t’.

“You want to have kids?” continued the woman. “I wanted to, but I can’t any more,” replied I. She did correctly mention that I’ve had troubles in the past with my reproductive system, but successfully overcame all the treatments and surgeries I had when I tried to have a family.

She was accurate about details that pertained to my parents, family and me. I was really listening to those things that didn’t made sense in the present and tried to find an explanation to them when she throws me a curveball.

“There’s this woman who is searching for you constantly. She can’t see you because she’s somewhere else, but is looking for you. There’s a man involved with her. And I also see witchcraft,” said she. OMFG! Even here the bitch and this guy come up. “She’s like…,” continued the woman in a tone referring to someone who is chasing you desperately. “She thinks you’re with this guy,” said she. “No, I’m not with anyone…,” said I.

“You have a male friend that is isolated,” said she. Oh boy, still more of my ex-friend. “He will come back to see you.”

“You might say you’re not with anyone, but you have this whole mess of love affairs. The one who came, the one who left, the one that didn’t…,” said she. Yep, you got that right lady.

“And that woman out there has a mate, and is waiting for you; it seems that she thinks, or have been told, that you have something with him. And she’s asking herself, ‘where is she now?’ Do you know of that situation? You know her well.” asked the woman. I gave her a look of ‘you have no idea!’

Bitch, I’m on vacation! Enough of it already!

 



{August 10, 2015}   Looking Back 46 – Taking note

Life can be contradictory. On one hand, you’re told that no matter what, things will always change, because that’s how the universe works.

But on the other hand, certain changes do happen because other people, circumstances or forces make it happen. It may be so this way, but the ultimate person to complete the process is oneself. And if you don’t, it will always linger like a bad cold you’re trying to shake off.

Case in point, the beach guy reappeared again as he always does in the most awkward moment or inconvenient time for me.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was having lunch downstairs, outside the office which I don’t do often. I was eating a sandwich at a Deli looking at the news on a TV monitor when he text me.

‘What are you doing?’ asked he. Note: no greeting was first mentioned.

It was one of those busy days at work that doesn’t seem to end and was not in the mood at that moment for anything, other than taking my break and eating. ‘Lunch’ is all I replied.

‘I’m here at –‘ said he. He was located at a city at least one county away.

‘Really? What for?’ replied I. Note: he was coming down my way, but didn’t bother to tell me in advanced.

‘Work. How far am I from you?’

‘Don’t know; a little over an hour depending on traffic?’ He asked me for my address to check the distance, to which he replied after researching, ’50 minutes’.

I knew why he was asking me that. He was probably contemplating if there would be an opportunity to meet. But honestly, with the day I was having, at that instant I wasn’t interested in that at all.

‘How long are you here for?’ asked I.

‘Probably tomorrow night.’

I don’t recall what I replied next, but I completely ignored his hints. I just thought that if he had wanted to see me he should make it happen. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for anything, even less the effort of going to him.

Here’s the thing: I had recently text him if he was coming to my area any time soon and he just said, ‘I don’t know.’ Or if I text him asking him what plans he had for the weekend, he always replied that he was busy, or had his kids, or some other excuse that translated to ‘I’m not interested’.

This has been a situation that has repeated many times over, so why should I react to his local area visit? Spoiler alert: I’m treating you the way you treat me, i.e., I’m not interested.

We stopped the text because he was on a meeting and my break was done.

I could have continued, but I still had my second part of the work day and knew it wasn’t going to be smooth.

I sat back at my desk and kept on working. But his presence gave me a bad aftertaste. It took me back to high school when he was always busy studying and barely dedicated any time to me.

I was always the one looking for him and he would have that look that he had more important things to take care of.

I tried really hard not to think much about his behavior, but after a while it felt like huge rejections that became painful.

I didn’t deserve it, but back then I didn’t know when it was time to step back and walk away, to know when to read the signs that this wasn’t healthy for me, that as much effort and chances one gives to people or situations, some of them will just simply never be.

And that is one hard pill to swallow.



I know I’ve said many times over that the best thing for me to do is stay away from people that are not good for me, especially guys that just drop off radar for no apparent reason.

Every so often I’ve broken my own promise of doing so. Case in point, Ivan. He’s one of the few that once in a while I send him a text. Chances of response are slim; calls are not really worth the effort. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn’t, and if he does call, the conversation is limited to no more than 5 minutes, if that.

So if it is so complicated, why do I reach out to him? Good question.

I recently started calling people I haven’t spoken to for some time and his name always comes to mind. But this time I decided to text. This way would just do it and forget about the rest.

“Hey Ivan, what’s going on?” is all I wrote.

A few days later, while at my lunch break, the phone rang; it was him.

“Emma (—-)”. I couldn’t understand the second part of what he was saying. It sounded like ‘ciao’.

“Why are you saying ‘good-bye’ to me?” asked I.

“No, I’m saying hello in my native language.”

“Oh, ok; I wasn’t expecting your call.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been working so much and my employer got sick, and it has been crazy…” This is not the first time I’ve heard this. I was getting a stomach ache of just listening to him. In fact, it’s the norm for him; working until he drops, with no fun or something good to talk about.

“I can sense in your voice that you’re really stressed out. Surprised you didn’t say you got sick yourself.”

“I just need to seriously take a vacation. But you think they would care about me or how I feel??”

“No, they don’t, unfortunately.” And it doesn’t just include work, it refers to many people in general. “You know, you don’t have to go very far to disconnect. It’s just a matter of really resting and not having to worry about anything else.”

“I know. I used to be more fun, had more of a social life. Now I just want to go home and sleep.”

“There’s nothing wrong with doing that,” said I. “Besides, you don’t need to fulfill other people’s expectations, only yours.” (Silence from him.) “So, are you dating anyone?”

“Ah, yes, no; going out with somebody. She’s been very helpful with me with an investment I’m trying to do.”

“Sounds like you feel obligated to be with her because of that.”

“Well, she’s a good woman overall. What about you?”

“I tried that website you told me about and got a lot of too young guys just wanting to sleep with me. And the ones my age look really bad.”

Ivan started laughing. I think it’s the first time I hear him do this. “How about church?” asked he. “Where I go there are many single guys.”

“Mine is full of families. Your town is another market; it’s party central.”

“Listen, I have to go, but we should get a coffee or something some time.”

“Ivan, you know how many times you’ve told me that? I’ve given up on you.”

“I know, everyone has given up on me.”

“I meant that most probably you and I won’t get to see each other again. You’re a good guy. You just have to stop living life for others.” (Silence again.) “Don’t do as I did and found myself totally lost when I got divorced, with no sense of who I was.” (More silence.) “Like I said, you’re a good guy. And I call you because a supreme force gets in my head telling me to do so. What can I say?”

Ivan was speechless and I felt that his anxiety sort of calmed down. The words I had said flowed out in a way as if it was someone else delivering them through me.

After hanging up I knew the universe was the one to blame. Ivan is going through a never-ending difficult time and was emotionally in a desperate need for some sympathetic support.

It was almost as he needed a miracle. You know what, it actually did.



et cetera