The New M.E. Generation











Memories are like flood water: they never stop once they start flowing.

Case in point, a former high school teacher of mine was commenting on social media that the school had created a promotional video which included several photos of students throughout the decades. One of them had members from my class and, you guessed it, I was one of those in the image. (Note: This happened way before the ‘beach guy’ recently resurfaced.)

I kept it saved on my smartphone for emotional purposes. I hadn’t seen it for a while, then one day it dawn on me that this guy was in the photo right before mine. I know it was him because that particular image was included in a yearbook, which I got a copy of back in the day.

Still, I looked at the video again and paused it to be sure. I mean, what were the chances that he and I would end up in it when this was put together?? Think about it. It was like one of those moments when I get the feeling that the universe is trying to tell me something. What specifically? Don’t know.

Me: “Hey, check out this promo video from school. You’re in it.”

Him (the next day late in the evening): “I like it.”

Me: “Was that you in the b&w photo? Did you see me?”

Him: “Yes and yes. I had hair. You’re so cute.”

Oh no, here we go again with him telling me I’m pretty. Is he trying to compensate for it, because he never did before? I kept looking at the sentence, wondering if to take the opportunity to tell him directly that I wanted to see him. But every time I did, I held back.

Honestly, it all felt like that scene from the ‘Sex and the City’ movie, where the main character is reading several emails from her former fiancé, and the last one reads: “I know I screwed it up – but I will love you forever.” She covers her face using her hands, then looks at the screen confused as to what to do next.

She then thinks to herself: “I wanted to call him, but our love, Carrie and Big, volumes 1, 2 and 3, stopped me.” My situation felt similar like this, except that he never used these words with me, and is short (maybe I should refer to him as ‘Mr. Small’ from now one).

Me: “Check out my hairstyle! (face with tears of joy emoji). You should show it to your kids.”

Him: “I will.”

Me: “The video makes me nostalgic” (hint, hint).

Him: “Yes it does. It’s a great promo video.”

Me: “It makes me want to see you, but easier said than done.” (There, I said it. Hint, hint, hint…)

We ended the texting shortly after, without him giving any replies to what I last said. It’s obvious that if he’s not taking the situation about us meeting, even when I’m using nostalgia, seriously, he won’t later on.

So what to do now? Honestly, I’m not into engaging in any of those ‘I said, you said’ arguments this time around, when his texts already expressed this underlying message: I’m into you, but not enough to go the extra mile.

If he was really interested in seeing me or having something beyond (whatever it is), he would have either called me by now, or be making plans to make it happen.

The distance excuse is not going to cut it. There’s people who have ‘moved heaven and earth’ to be with the one they love, and so can he.

He may argue that we have a past together, but has certainly given a lot more of himself to other women that he ever did to me, the one he says has great memories with.

The attention is in the details, and you’ve given me enough of them to prove my point.

 

 

 

 

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{August 10, 2015}   Looking Back 46 – Taking note

Life can be contradictory. On one hand, you’re told that no matter what, things will always change, because that’s how the universe works.

But on the other hand, certain changes do happen because other people, circumstances or forces make it happen. It may be so this way, but the ultimate person to complete the process is oneself. And if you don’t, it will always linger like a bad cold you’re trying to shake off.

Case in point, the beach guy reappeared again as he always does in the most awkward moment or inconvenient time for me.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was having lunch downstairs, outside the office which I don’t do often. I was eating a sandwich at a Deli looking at the news on a TV monitor when he text me.

‘What are you doing?’ asked he. Note: no greeting was first mentioned.

It was one of those busy days at work that doesn’t seem to end and was not in the mood at that moment for anything, other than taking my break and eating. ‘Lunch’ is all I replied.

‘I’m here at –‘ said he. He was located at a city at least one county away.

‘Really? What for?’ replied I. Note: he was coming down my way, but didn’t bother to tell me in advanced.

‘Work. How far am I from you?’

‘Don’t know; a little over an hour depending on traffic?’ He asked me for my address to check the distance, to which he replied after researching, ’50 minutes’.

I knew why he was asking me that. He was probably contemplating if there would be an opportunity to meet. But honestly, with the day I was having, at that instant I wasn’t interested in that at all.

‘How long are you here for?’ asked I.

‘Probably tomorrow night.’

I don’t recall what I replied next, but I completely ignored his hints. I just thought that if he had wanted to see me he should make it happen. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for anything, even less the effort of going to him.

Here’s the thing: I had recently text him if he was coming to my area any time soon and he just said, ‘I don’t know.’ Or if I text him asking him what plans he had for the weekend, he always replied that he was busy, or had his kids, or some other excuse that translated to ‘I’m not interested’.

This has been a situation that has repeated many times over, so why should I react to his local area visit? Spoiler alert: I’m treating you the way you treat me, i.e., I’m not interested.

We stopped the text because he was on a meeting and my break was done.

I could have continued, but I still had my second part of the work day and knew it wasn’t going to be smooth.

I sat back at my desk and kept on working. But his presence gave me a bad aftertaste. It took me back to high school when he was always busy studying and barely dedicated any time to me.

I was always the one looking for him and he would have that look that he had more important things to take care of.

I tried really hard not to think much about his behavior, but after a while it felt like huge rejections that became painful.

I didn’t deserve it, but back then I didn’t know when it was time to step back and walk away, to know when to read the signs that this wasn’t healthy for me, that as much effort and chances one gives to people or situations, some of them will just simply never be.

And that is one hard pill to swallow.



Needless to say, our friendship was what everyone would say it would never be: real. There’s always been the notion that just a friendship between a man and woman will never stay like that. But it did.

We both had romantic relationships during high school, to which we respected and supported of. There was never jealously or intervened as to how we should deal with it.

He was aware of some details of the inside’s of mine as I would consult him, and I would because I had confidence he would suggest what would be beneficial for me and not for him. He never once strayed me so I would end up with him.

I showed my respect towards his relationship as well. I wouldn’t ask much about it and as long as I knew it was doing well, I would be the same. Besides, because I felt he was doing right for me, I was confident he would do the same for himself.

We had such a strong bond that even my BF at the time (who all knew each other from school) realized that if he wanted to be with me, he had to accept our friendship. I was never shy of talking about him and with time my BF realized my other friend was no threat.

My BF eventually learned to respect our friendship and even went to him at one time for advice when things were not quite there. Thing was, my BF was away in college and the long distance was obviously distancing us, so my BF started fearing he would loose me.

According to my other friend, my BF went to the pharmacy and asked him to have a private chat. Upon my BF saying about the challenges the relationship was having and me going away, my friend replied with these transcending words: “Don’t pressure Emma too much because if you do, she might slip away like sand between your fingers”.

When my friend told me this story during his last encounters with me, I got surprised to what extent my BF had gone for to not loose me. But as always, my friend was right on point as to how well he knew me.

Even more, he shed light on a personal trait: being pressured too much into something has never worked well with me. I tolerate it, but eventually disconnect or walk away. I tend to avoid the confrontation and if I do, I just explode, and then things get really nasty.

As I have said before, sounds familiar? Why is it that I seem to have forgotten plenty, but some things just remain the same?

Is this good or bad? Don’t know. Maybe it’s a half and half, good when it works on your favor, bad when it doesn’t.

What will I do about it? I’m thinking.



I have been pretty good in keeping my own promise of not contacting other guys.

Some have sent me messages once in a while just to inquiry about me.

I would read the message, analyze the content, as well as time and date received, and then reply, but not right away.

I know I don’t have to reply, but good manners never go out of style, and they reflect who I am as a person, so will keep it up.

One thing I’ve done different is that I don’t ask them ‘when are we seeing each other?’. If they were the ones to ask, then I would reply as brief as possible: ‘Don’t know. You tell me.’

Of course they would never follow-up, so at least I would ‘feel’ good that they remember me for whatever reason that may have been.

The year came and went, and when the holidays were approaching, I thought about just wishing then good things as you’re supposed to. Besides, I had no regrets or hard feelings, so, why not?

The thought circled my mind for days, but with work and projects pending before vacation started, I kept telling myself to do it for days, but wouldn’t get around to do it.

When I finally made the time to do so, I get a text no other than from Ivan. It was like my thoughts had text him instead.

He was one of those that were on my mental list to contact.
In spite of his many failed relationships and tons of dispensed advice to him, plus all those times he said ‘we will definitely meet’, which he never got to, there has always been something about this guy that brings me back to him. Trying to decipher what that is as complex for me as trying to understand what really happened that we’re not together.

“Happy holidays”, text he.

“Thanks! Likewise. How’s life treating you?” (meaning as if you’re involved with someone). Last time I spoke with him he had recently ended the relationship ‘for good’ after endless attempts.

The breakup and comebacks were so bad, I told him at one point that I didn’t know what was worse, his tumultuous relationships or me not having found a boyfriend since becoming single.

“What are your plans?” asked he then.

“Staying around. Got some invitations. You?”

“Leaving town, but will be back before the new year. We definitely need to do something when I return.”

“Sounds good. Call me. Have fun.”

I know he won’t call, not even if Santa appeared to him. It’s one of those things you stopped believing in when you learn the truth about it, but just don’t want to let go off.

It was a great feeling when you got what you once wished for and one just wants to feel it again.

After all, isn’t that’s what the season about, believing?



I didn’t give up on my quest of finding a man after this minor incident. It was ironic to think that I wanted to meet a guy contemporary with my age and I was getting messages from 20-somethings as young as 21.

Looking at the ‘Visitors’, some were even as young as 18 and living abroad. Where’s the adult supervision here? For crying out loud, this is a child! Find someone your own age. You have no business in this dating site to begin with.

Let me see what the others look like or have to stay. I know it’s a waste of time even reading the messages. But since I’ve been unlucky with my search, at least feeling flattered for a few minutes it’s worth it.

‘What do you think about dating older men?’ read a message from a 23-year old. Oh, no, here we go again (that’s if I want to).

I checked out his profile and it read that he was doing his post-grad with the goal of becoming a doctor. What, another ‘beach guy’ headed my way? Please universe, not again!

In his main photo he was wearing this huge sunglasses and had very blond hair; bet he’s probably in a fabulous beach. In the second he was abroad. In the third he was shirtless with a beer in his hand, his tongue sticking out, and next to a guy. He was also in great shape and quite tall.

Let me guess, Spring Break with a ‘frat brother’ in Mexico. He definitely knows how to have fun.

I looked at all of them and started remembering my time in college and got mixed feelings. It was good in the sense that I away from home and finally had the opportunity of being myself.

But I didn’t know what I was to do afterwards, mainly because I was in the process of discovering who I was as a person, and had no sense of direction.

It took me a lot of years to get to a place that I was somewhat comfortable with myself and thought I had it all defined when I got married.

The result was that I ended up loosing all that I represented, to the point I was totally clueless about anything when my ‘past life’ ended.

I’ve been regaining my sense of self, esteem, and all that I am about, but have been a long and painful process.

I looked at the photos again and became sad. If I had the chance to go back in time and do it again, would I?

If I could go back to college with the present knowledge I have, yes. Doing it with the ‘blank canvas’ I was, not too sure.

I know that in going back you have your whole life ahead of you, but presently I still have that as well.

So, what am I doing with this one? Am I answering a message of a guy who seems to be the poster child of ‘party central’ or perhaps ‘globe trotter’?

Maybe I should do the same and stick my tongue out at him and this situation.



It had been a long and enjoyable weekend and still had the second city to get to for the day.

My friend got out of the water, rinsed off, changed clothes and else, while I sat on the car waiting for him when I checked my phone. It was around 3pm.

And, there it was, a missed call from an unidentified caller. Looking at the number, I took a guess it could be no one else but ‘the beach guy’.

I called back, got his voicemail, and left a message.

Great, now this is going to be like the ‘back and forth’ emails that we send to each other at random times.

I had mixed feelings when I heard his voice. On one end I was glad that, after all these years, we would finally get to speak to each other. On the other, I was having a gut feeling life was to repeat itself.

My friend got inside the car and, when I was about to start it, the phone rang again and it was he. The moment of truth had arrived and I was nervous.

We exchanged the usual greetings and small talk before getting down to business.

“I’m 2 hours away from you,” said he. “I could drive down today and stay at a hotel to sleep.”

“The thing is I’m headed to another place now with my friend to have dinner there and then drive all the way back, so I don’t know what time I’ll be back. You should have called me ahead of time. Can you make it tomorrow?” asked I.

“No, I have a lot to do tomorrow, starting with my kids. It’s difficult for me to plan ahead. Also, is that guy your boyfriend?”

I knew this question would come up. “No, he’s not my boyfriend!” said I in an upsetting tone. “I’ve known him since I was 13 and graduated from our school as well.” (Dude, if I invited you to come see me it’s because I have an interest in you.)

I thought to myself, why am I giving this extensive explanation to him? Worst of all, I should have stepped outside my car and taken the call away from my friend. The way I responded to the question was totally wrong.

The conversation got into more of ‘who should done what and when’, or who was responsible for this failed attempt to see each other.

So, I agreed with ‘the beach guy’ that I would call him when I was traveling back from my dinner.

I took the wheel again and tried to concentrate on my driving, but my friend knew I was upset. I didn’t want to talk about it because I was sure his opinion about the other guy just got more negative.

At a certain point I did vent out because I was frustrated yet again at my bad luck with men.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have told him about meeting. I feel like a fool for getting my hopes too high like you said,” said I.

“Better now than later,” answered he.

“I know, but nothing happened. I don’t know what to make of it.”

“Don’t think about it. Enjoy your vacation.”

Yes, I should. I’ll figure it out (or not) after my trip ends.



It has been a while since I have exchanged communication with this ‘beach guy’.

Ironically his birthday came up for the year, so I congratulated him on his page. He again thanked me, and everyone else who posted something, for the well wishes.

But, he didn’t specify what he did to celebrate. I assumed he spend it with his family at the beach since he’s there every chance he gets.

I believe the next day he sent me a message that blew me away like a storm.

‘You probably don’t know, but I’ve been separated from my wife since the beginning of the year.’

Say what? How did this happen?

I was so shocked about the news I started getting really anxious. More than that he was in this situation, I was overwhelmed at the many people whose relationship had not worked.

There was a time when people were getting married, then having a family, followed by a period of ‘quietness’ were all was fine.

Then the problems would begin or occurrences of bad couple situations. People got separated and divorced, and the end of the relationships would turn out very ugly.

This guy was another one I never envisioned going through this. I was actually envying him because I thought his life was going so well.

The other aspect of his situation that made me nervous was the timing. The beginning of the year also correlated with me facing an unexpected situation that took several months to resolve.

It kept going around my mind and wondered if there was some divine intervention in all this. Is this a signal that perhaps we might get together again? Is he perhaps part of the ‘master plan’ that he talked about that the universe has supposedly designed for me?

OMG! Anxiety rising!



This guy took forever to get to my place considering that it was the weekend, was driving on the highway and with the assistance of a GPS.

Worst part was that he called a couple of times to make sure he was headed the right way. All he had to do was to go straight all the way until he reached a particular intersection and take the exit to the right.

From that he needed to continue a little further up make a left, then a right, another left and ‘touch down’.

“Should I go west or east at the intersection?” asked he.

“Just take the one to the right. It’s that simple.”

“But is it going west or east?”

“I am telling you the exit to your right.”

He kept insisting over the phone until I got really upset. What part doesn’t he comprehend?

“Like I explained to you,” said I, “when you get to the exit, follow the arrows pointing to the right to the street number I gave you.”

He kept me on the line until he drove the right way. When he exited, he was sounding more lost than ever. This was definitely a bad idea but could not do anything about it now.

He was now confirming the rest of the directions over and over. C’mon you, it’s not that difficult to get to my place!

When he finally understood how to get to my location, he ended the call by saying he needed to take care of something before heading here.

Say what? You keep me all this time on the phone wasting my minutes when you have a GPS and several mobile applications that could have done the same work as me? And now you need to ‘take care of something’?

I have to admit this has been the biggest mistake in my entire dating career. I shouldn’t have met or gone out with him. This is a feeling like admitting defeat in something one is doing.

So what am I supposed to do now? Don’t know, especially when his whereabouts are unknown as we speak.

Really, where the heck is he??



I took Dina’s advice of not calling Christian. But after a week or so he hadn’t and I felt the need to call him. After all, I was the one who said that would ‘stay in touch.’

Hmm, I’m wondering if there was another ‘lost phone’ incident or a lost interest all- together. Well, I’ll never know if I don’t make the call.

“Hey Christian, how are you? We haven’t spoken since…that day.”

“I know. That sure was a nasty storm.”

“So what you’re up to?”

“Same old; the kids, fishing. The weather has been good on both. How about you?”

“Same as usual. My life is pretty tranquil. But, um, was calling to say ‘hi’ and know how you were.”

I almost asked him to set up another date to meet but I held back. He didn’t make the move nor he sounded interested in doing so. The conversation was one of those that you do when you just want to really speak to someone you haven’t for some time.

So, in essence, the call turned to a ‘blah’ one when I had just seen him a week before. He was not someone who represented anything in my life. I had no feelings for him and think he doesn’t see anything in me.

I felt empty after I hung up. I felt this had lead to nothing and Christian was to become another guy who briefly crossed my life.

On the other hand, I was wondering if I was coming to conclusions too fast. So, once again, I asked myself, ‘what am I going to do?’ Wait for a few days or even a week like I previously did?

Don’t know. At least I did like Dina, no emotions attached.

You know what, this feels like the storm. It came quickly, caused some mayhem for 20 minutes and then disappeared.

In other words, he appeared suddenly, his presence ‘tested the water’ of my life for a short time, and now he has ‘moved on.’

And so have I.

The weather has cleared out and it’s time to look forward to new ‘brighter’ days.



et cetera