The New M.E. Generation











{August 10, 2015}   Looking Back 46 – Taking note

Life can be contradictory. On one hand, you’re told that no matter what, things will always change, because that’s how the universe works.

But on the other hand, certain changes do happen because other people, circumstances or forces make it happen. It may be so this way, but the ultimate person to complete the process is oneself. And if you don’t, it will always linger like a bad cold you’re trying to shake off.

Case in point, the beach guy reappeared again as he always does in the most awkward moment or inconvenient time for me.

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was having lunch downstairs, outside the office which I don’t do often. I was eating a sandwich at a Deli looking at the news on a TV monitor when he text me.

‘What are you doing?’ asked he. Note: no greeting was first mentioned.

It was one of those busy days at work that doesn’t seem to end and was not in the mood at that moment for anything, other than taking my break and eating. ‘Lunch’ is all I replied.

‘I’m here at –‘ said he. He was located at a city at least one county away.

‘Really? What for?’ replied I. Note: he was coming down my way, but didn’t bother to tell me in advanced.

‘Work. How far am I from you?’

‘Don’t know; a little over an hour depending on traffic?’ He asked me for my address to check the distance, to which he replied after researching, ’50 minutes’.

I knew why he was asking me that. He was probably contemplating if there would be an opportunity to meet. But honestly, with the day I was having, at that instant I wasn’t interested in that at all.

‘How long are you here for?’ asked I.

‘Probably tomorrow night.’

I don’t recall what I replied next, but I completely ignored his hints. I just thought that if he had wanted to see me he should make it happen. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for anything, even less the effort of going to him.

Here’s the thing: I had recently text him if he was coming to my area any time soon and he just said, ‘I don’t know.’ Or if I text him asking him what plans he had for the weekend, he always replied that he was busy, or had his kids, or some other excuse that translated to ‘I’m not interested’.

This has been a situation that has repeated many times over, so why should I react to his local area visit? Spoiler alert: I’m treating you the way you treat me, i.e., I’m not interested.

We stopped the text because he was on a meeting and my break was done.

I could have continued, but I still had my second part of the work day and knew it wasn’t going to be smooth.

I sat back at my desk and kept on working. But his presence gave me a bad aftertaste. It took me back to high school when he was always busy studying and barely dedicated any time to me.

I was always the one looking for him and he would have that look that he had more important things to take care of.

I tried really hard not to think much about his behavior, but after a while it felt like huge rejections that became painful.

I didn’t deserve it, but back then I didn’t know when it was time to step back and walk away, to know when to read the signs that this wasn’t healthy for me, that as much effort and chances one gives to people or situations, some of them will just simply never be.

And that is one hard pill to swallow.

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I don’t remember for how long I was involved with Ricky. I don’t recall being that much (maybe a couple of months?), but it was long enough for my ‘baggage’ to surface and for him to show his ugly side.

What I mean by this is that because I was fresh out of a divorce, I started talking of all the negative things associated to it. And, of course, there’s as much as one person can take.

I saw Ricky starting to get mad at me or at things that to me were not really such a big issue. He also started spending less and less time with me or at my place, to the point he was no longer around.

The last time I was with him was at his office. I had gone there because I needed his help with something, but also had an excuse to meet with him with the hope that I would have ‘that conversation.’ You know, the one usually referred to as ‘we need to talk,’ when you want to decide if to either end or continue with whatever there is between two people.

All I remember was that when I managed to bring up the subject, Ricky’s reaction was of non-acknowledgement about us. Then his tone of voice shifted to one of sounding upset, and him expressing something to the extent that nothing was going on, or something like that.

For me, there was no point in saying anything else, so I decided to leave. When I was about to walk out the door he asked, “what’s going on?” (Yes, he did have the nerve to ask me this!)

“Well, you said what you had to say. But because I have a different position than yours, right now I think it’s irrelevant what I wanted to say. Take care.” I proceeded to exit the door and out of this (what?).

And that’s how it ended, quickly and to the point.

That was on a Saturday. It was a long weekend and all my friends were out of town. I didn’t heard from him at all.

I went right back where I started: alone, but now even more confused. All I could wonder if this was all that life had in store for me. If it is, it’s going to be a very lonely road, that’s for sure.



et cetera