The New M.E. Generation











{October 14, 2013}   Looking Back 15 – Kiss and tell

‘If you ever feel like talking, I’m here for you,’ wrote I.

‘I’m done dealing with my current relationship. I rather talk with you about the old days. I remember you being an awesome kisser,’ said he.

‘An awesome kisser?’ I do remember that one time when he took me for the ride on his car. But saying that I was ‘awesome’ is a major word.

‘Thanks for the complement, but I have a vague memory about that. My memories of you and I interacting are at the beach and at a distance in school,’ continued I.

‘You don’t remember a lot do you?’ asked he. ‘You and I go way back. Actually, I looked forward to seeing you in school.’

‘Maybe you and I had something going on since being teenagers, but we really didn’t have anything together. I don’t even know how to define it.’

I kept thinking about the kissing and what really happened between us. If it was that great, why didn’t it continue or he kept some sort of contact after graduating? It’s a mystery I still haven’t figured out.

I continued writing, giving all details that I had about that infamous car ride. While at it, I questioned myself why I was doing this and if he would care at all about what I had to say.

‘I remember that very well. I like chatting with you.’

‘Like I said; if you ever want to talk, let me know. Better yet, let’s have a talk over a drink, that is, if we ever get to see each other again.’

‘Thanks; you’re very sweet. Of course we’ll see each other. Don’t know when because of the distance and all the things going with work, kids, etc.’

Here we go again. Why is that all guys I meet are complicated? When am I ever getting a break?

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{September 2, 2013}   Take Me Back 19 – Sing it to me

This process of putting the pieces of the past together has been a great mental exercise. It’s still strange, though, that there have been bits missing. How is it possible that I don’t remember all about Johann when he was such an important part of my life?

I’ll tell you this. One day I was driving to work and the radio station played a song that woke me up more than my alarm does.

The song was one among many of the music that I had mailed him in the past. I don’t remember specifically about the rest, other than they were primarily love songs.

The lyrics of this one always reminded me of him. It sang about this man who constantly has to travel for work and this separates him from his loved one.

He knows that what he does is not how life with a significant other is supposed to be, but he reassures her that, no matter what happens, he will always be faithful to her.

The song continues in that he asks the same of her, to not stray, and that whenever he gets to see her again, he feels joy in discovering her over and over.

I identified with the song because Johann and I had a friendship and love for each other that was not the standard. He was always traveling and I would get to know him more with each new letter received. Even more, he was faithful to me all the time he was in the navy.

Using this song in the present, it was the ultimate joy that we got to reconnect and know each other again.

There are no expectations here other than to stay together as friends and that we may live our lives for others and ourselves accordingly.

The only part of the song that may not ‘repeat’ is seeing each other. That’s a hard one and will take a lot more than just singing the blues for it to happen.



{December 3, 2012}   Looking back 4 – All geared up

I don’t remember if it was on the same night or another, but he did call me.

I somehow managed to contain my nervousness over the phone to make it sound like my life hadn’t been altered.

And, best of all, he came to pick me up to go for a ride on the convertible.

I think it was the first time I experienced being in such a vehicle and next to someone you liked, even better.

I pretended this was normal for me. But it was such a novelty to see that it was a stick shift car and how well he drove it. This is probably why they’re still my vehicle of choice and even have one.

We drove for a while and stopped somewhere I don’t recall. I was sitting with my legs crossed and hands on my lap. I was holding down my emotions.

He then started talking. I don’t recall all his words but he expressed something to the extent that he liked me. I was hearing what I wished for, but I had to analyze it several times to actually comprehend it. I wasn’t even looking at him because it was so surreal.

And while I was trying to digest what was happening, he pulled my face to his and gave me a kiss. (I think it was the only one of the night but it was great!)

We drove away and he took my hand and placed it on the gear so he could hold it while driving. It was beyond a great feeling.

I don’t think this moment repeated again, but up to this day I still drive my car with my hand always resting on the gear. At times I look at it and remember that special night which has never left me.

Who knows, maybe one day I’ll have a guy sitting in my car and we both hold hands on the gear.

What a great shift of life that would be.



{November 19, 2012}   Looking Back 2 – What a beach

That’s exactly where we met: the beach.

There was a time during my early adolescence when I used to spend every Sunday with my mom at the beach. She had these friends she would meet up weekly and this guy lived on the same building as one of them.

I don’t remember how and when he and I met, but I’m sure he made quite an impression on me, pretty much like most of the guys I’ve met up throughout my life.

To start with, I’m sure I thought he was cute, was most probably sporting a great tan, an amazing body, and I was captivated by his intelligence and self-confidence. We also attended the same school.

He had all that I thought I lacked. And I would gravitate towards all of them guys for some unknown reason I still can’t figure out.

What was I thinking, that somehow their skills would get transferred to me in some magical way and make me the version of myself that I thought should be?

Why was I getting attracted to people whom I thought I had nothing good to offer to?

Yep, that was I back then and, now?

I think my self-confidence and thinking skills are pretty good right now, but instantly attaching to guys I like?

Unfortunately, that’s still happening.



{January 13, 2012}   Emotions Re-Act 5 – Time to act

I don’t remember when he finally arrived, but I believe I was standing on a doorframe that was to be used as ‘the entrance’ to the bar.

I believe, when I first saw him that my so-called ‘relaxed mode’ quickly disappeared.

‘Damn, he’s cute! He looks so much better in real life than on TV.’

I think I held tight to the frame to contain my nervousness. I have forgotten how and when we were introduced.

The order of events during the shooting is unclear as well. After all was in place, I went into make-up and dressing up.

The first shot of me was at the door with a lot of smoke and a lamp shinning straight at my back.

I do remember not being able to breath and sweat going down my spine. What is this scene supposed to mean, that ‘I’m smoking hot?’

The next one was of my legs walking forward. I don’t know how many times I walked, but the floor had been cleaned and waxed, and I was wearing new shoes. I was in a panic that I would fall down and this guy would see me.

That would have been the end of my life as a whole.

But, where was he in all this? I believe ‘m.i.a.’ I’m not even sure if we had any exchange of words during that first part of the shooting.

But having all that attention on me was great. How many times have I gotten that in life?



{September 12, 2011}   The Undateables 9 – Time lost

The location was not that far from my home. The car ride felt great in such a fancy vehicle and when we got to the restaurant (wow!), what a nice place! The door was opened for me, making me feel like a celebrity or something when I stepped off of it.

The design of the location read fancy all over it. I stood there looking at it with an amazed look. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a place like this. To be honest, I don’t remember when that actually was. I was happy to be there, but somewhat insecure.

Being away from certain situations or never been exposed to one makes you feel that way because you’re not sure how to behave or forget how to do so.

I kept saying to myself ‘I’ll be fine’ over and over.

“Shall we go in?” asked he. I nodded my head in a ‘yes’ motion. “Let’s sit first at the bar.” (Yes, let’s do. Maybe that’s I need to get my composure where it should be.)



‘I can’t believe you don’t remember anything,’ wrote he. ‘We were more than friends in the sense of being affectionate to one another like kissing, hugging.’

All right, I don’t need to read any more. I know what happened here. Translation: I fell for him, a lot.

I may not remember much, but I do recall falling for guys somewhat fast, just like I did after I became single again. There has obviously been an emotional need I had to fulfill then and now.

So, did I fall for him for the right reasons, meaning, I had genuine feelings for him as a person and not because of what he was providing? Was there something real between us?

I mean, was it that bad that I unconsciously deleted all the data? I don’t think it was, but maybe I’m just trying to hold on to the nice moments to feel good about it.

‘You were a very lovable person with me, and I did had some feelings for you, otherwise, we wouldn’t have lasted together all the time that we did,’ said he. ‘Apart from the fact that you looked great then, and still do so now, you were equally that way inside. There was this goodness in you that made it easy for me to love you.

I have to admit that after contacting you, some of those feelings have resurfaced and that has not happened with other women I dated in school and have also reconnected with.

It hurts me to learn that your ex divorced you because I know any guy would be lucky to be with you. I will say this, if I was single, I would hop on a plane and visited you the first chance I had. I would love to see you again and rediscover what we once shared.’

Hmm, remember what I don’t remember? That would be nice.

But, what about this sadness I feel inside? What’s it all about?



I wrote in the subject area my name and that of school, and graduation year. I thought the first email (considering he would reply to it) was to say ‘hello,’ that I came across his name on the alumni website (all right, not the real truth, but it won’t hurt), and a summary of my post college life until today.

My plan is that if he does reply, and depending on the content and emotion of it (like he replied just for the sake of it, and doesn’t remember, or have no interest in establishing any communication with me), I will reveal to him the real reason I emailed him.

I really hope it turns out how I wish it to be. This situation has been going around my mind for quite some time, and after all I’ve lived, resolved, given closure to, and feel good about it, it would be seen more nicer for this to happen too.

Maybe this would be a good for the universe to intervene.

 

 



After my virtual conversation with ‘reconnect,’ I realized I should try to do the same with other people from school. There is particularly one guy that got interested on my on my junior year of college.

We were seeing each other and I liked him. But my recollection is that I messed it up. I think I let my insecurities get in the way or couldn’t appreciate him fully for what he was for some reason.

Yeah, I surely messed it up. What the hell was wrong with me back then? Why did I push him away, or, did I? I don’t remember what exactly happened that we stopped seeing each other, but this experience has never been forgotten.

It’s one of those that I feel I need to apologize for and give closure for some unknown reason I can’t quite understand.

Don’t know why, but I feel there’s a part of me that maybe is still like that Emma back then. Damn, I feel really bad and don’t like myself much right now.

The more I think about it, the more of giving closure to this situation sounds very good. Maybe it will help, even more my current healing. So, how do I go about in doing this?

 



et cetera