The New M.E. Generation

I’ve been doing something for some time that I shouldn’t be, and it has been reaching out to this former college love interest when I know well I shouldn’t be.

Every so often I send him an email, especially when I’m sad, have a guy issue, or just simply want to have someone to listen to me on whatever matter is causing me to feel upset towards life in general.

The real sad part about this is that if he replies, he usually does it from his phone, using incorrect grammar because he’s obviously writing in a rush.

He always apologizes for doing it quickly because there’s always something going on in his life (meaning his family) and time is limited.

The end part of the message always has the same tone; he repeats that he’s my friend and hopes we continue to be, wishes me good things, and that all works out for me.

The last entry means that I find a guy that appreciates who I am and that finally stays with me for the long haul.

This may all sound great, but it hasn’t fulfilled the emotional need that still clings me to him. As much as I was trying to forget him all together, something always reminds me of him, especially when I hear his first name.

It is so ridiculous, I raise my head up looking for him as if he was to magically appear.

The other thing I do is check my emails constantly after I send him one, waiting for his reply. I can read it loud and clear, but don’t want to read between the lines.

It translates that he’s doing it because he feels sorry for me. He always wishes me well and that I find the guy deserving for me because he tries to make me feel better towards the lousy situation I’m going through.

It’s like getting a second place prize. I know what his situation is, but I get disappointed that he doesn’t respond that way I want to. I want him to tell that somewhere within him he still feels something for me.

I’m behaving like a juvenile, hoping the universe will play its part to turn things around the way I wished for.

What’s wrong with me? After all these years and what I’ve gone through, I should have learned my lesson already.

Yes, we may still communicate via email, he re-opened his profile on social media and I became his friend again.

But his wife and daughter are seeing what I post (again, why am I doing it when I know it?) and I’m exposed to all other people within their list.

I may be single and available to do whatever I want, but I’m stretching it so far that I’m making a fool of myself.

Actually, I’m probably pushing to be considered something unpleasant, like a bitch and idiot who has no clue that my behavior is totally unacceptable.

Definitely not a nice picture to put yourself into.

‘I can’t believe you don’t remember anything,’ wrote he. ‘We were more than friends in the sense of being affectionate to one another like kissing, hugging.’

All right, I don’t need to read any more. I know what happened here. Translation: I fell for him, a lot.

I may not remember much, but I do recall falling for guys somewhat fast, just like I did after I became single again. There has obviously been an emotional need I had to fulfill then and now.

So, did I fall for him for the right reasons, meaning, I had genuine feelings for him as a person and not because of what he was providing? Was there something real between us?

I mean, was it that bad that I unconsciously deleted all the data? I don’t think it was, but maybe I’m just trying to hold on to the nice moments to feel good about it.

‘You were a very lovable person with me, and I did had some feelings for you, otherwise, we wouldn’t have lasted together all the time that we did,’ said he. ‘Apart from the fact that you looked great then, and still do so now, you were equally that way inside. There was this goodness in you that made it easy for me to love you.

I have to admit that after contacting you, some of those feelings have resurfaced and that has not happened with other women I dated in school and have also reconnected with.

It hurts me to learn that your ex divorced you because I know any guy would be lucky to be with you. I will say this, if I was single, I would hop on a plane and visited you the first chance I had. I would love to see you again and rediscover what we once shared.’

Hmm, remember what I don’t remember? That would be nice.

But, what about this sadness I feel inside? What’s it all about?

et cetera