The New M.E. Generation











I somehow managed to finally fall asleep. The weather was cooler than normal, so it was nice to be in bed resting.

I didn’t immediately get out of bed upon waking up. I knew well what had evolved the previous night: he wanted to drive all the way over here and show up (not exactly unannounced); better yet, surprise me on Valentine’s weekend.

You’re probably thinking why I didn’t go for it when I keep saying that I should get exposed to these type of situations.

As stupid as it may seem, I wasn’t up for it last night. Blame it on my comfy bed, me being tired, or perhaps that I had washed my hair and didn’t want to get it messed up.

It just gets to the point that if you know nothing else will evolve here, why put your time and emotions into it?

I know I could just do it for the fun of it and later remember the incident as one that made this particular weekend unique.

But as weird as this may sound, perhaps the real reason is that I unconsciously felt this would be a grown-up version of what happened during high school.

The memories are limited, but between what I’ve learned from his stories and the little I remember, the scenario is just the same: he’s into me, but not enough or interested to taking it further.

That I could have had a jolly, good time (and maybe more) is true. But at this point in my life, I’ve learned to do that with my girlfriends, but most importantly, on my own, without the need of having a guy next to me.

And then, at exactly 10:10am, the beach guy resurfaced.

‘Good morning. You know I would have driven there for the day,’ text he.

‘But you’re with your daughter.’

‘She’s 17 and her 18-year-old brother is here. They will be fine overnight or for the day. I could have even left late last night, but you were so stubborn about your address. I guess you didn’t get the hint.’

‘I fell asleep. And thought you couldn’t leave your kids home alone.’

‘The little one is out of state and the two I have with me are old enough to be alone.

‘You can still come here. I have off tomorrow.’

‘I have to work tomorrow and I’m not driving there just to be with you for a couple of hours.’

See what I mean? It felt just like the good old days. He would spend a few hours with me at the beach and off he went. The day would have evolved the same, minus the location.

I was sort of still questioning myself about my indifference, but not any more. You realize what I did? I rejected him!!

Wow! And maybe for the first time, the sand blew up to him and hit him hard on the face. Nice!

This is definitely one memory I’m surely not forgetting.



‘And it’s about a 3 ½ hour drive. And I’m falling asleep,’ text I.

‘Good night Mimi,’ replied he.

‘Another toy? Wrong chick. And you have a new girlfriend.’

‘Ha. I have no GF. I have called you that before. Yes I have a crap load of cars.’

‘When did you called me that?’

‘High school. You don’t remember?’

‘There’s a crap load of things about you that I still don’t. How and why did you come up with that name?’

‘IDK. I can’t believe you don’t remember!!’

‘Sorry; trying really hard. There had to be reason you gave the name to me. You don’t do anything for nothing.’

‘I think you asked me to call you that. It was sort of a love nickname.’

‘No one has ever given me a nickname, not even family. I was insecure back then, so I doubt I would’ve asked you for anything.’

The texting stopped at that point. It was late, but couldn’t fall asleep. The name thing was circling my mind and as hard as I thought about it, the recollection was not happening.

But it helped to make sense of other feelings I have felt. I would bet anything he gave me the name, which probably made me feel special and that I was more than just a friend. It’s almost a girlfriend feeling, but perhaps that I was part of his life.

My adolescence was difficult, especially the relationship with my mom, and among that chaos I thought someone loved me. Having a nickname symbolized the person I wished I could have been and probably what I thought he expected of me.

I wasn’t happy with my life, so being with someone I thought had feelings for me was all I could ask for, and having another name made me different and set me aside from everyone else.

Now I understand the conflicting memories of what we actually were. This guy probably felt something for me, but not to a level of considering me anything other than this playful girl who liked hanging out at the beach with him.

Me, on the other hand, would feel too much for other guys because I was looking for the affection I wasn’t getting at home. That’s why it was so hard for me to take when he graduated and never looked for me afterwards. Maybe my mind has deleted or archived all this to avoid feeling again all the pain I felt because of it.

So what am I feeling about this forgotten name? ‘Mimi’ sounds almost like ‘me me’. I like how it sounds. I could approach it that it’s all about me now, how I’ve turned my life around and made it all mine.

Mimi might have resurfaced from the deep, but what washed back to shore looks pretty bright and polished.

Am I totally back? No, but for today, that’s good enough for me.



{February 23, 2015}   Looking Back 41 – Emotional trip

The long Valentine’s weekend came and I had no romantic plans for it. I know the whole thing is a cliché when you’re supposed to show your love and appreciation to your loved ones at all times.

Still, there were some instances where I had the thoughts that I’ve been single for quite a while, and only a few guys from past and present are worth rekindling on.

The weather had also turned quite cold, which felt like a correlation of how I saw my love life to be. But as in everything, it changes and one must adapt to it or succumb.

What I decided to do was to dedicate the weekend to myself, even if it meant doing totally unrelated ‘me time’ things like laundry. I wanted to rest as well, and even take advantage of store sales. The goal was doing things that made me feel good.

So I planned out my weekend: Saturday was for laundry and ironing; Sunday, supermarket, church, taking care of anything else; Monday, relax and hairdresser.

Saturday evolved as planned. Didn’t left my apartment the whole day, so I tried my best to enjoy it as best as I could in spite of not having an invite. I didn’t even mind the ironing when a good movie was on TV.

I made myself some dinner, showered and watched more TV in bed. My clean sheets felt great and nothing else mattered to me.

I was falling asleep closed to midnight when… I get a text from the beach guy.

‘Hey, happy valentine’s day. Hope you had a good day,’ wrote he.

‘Same to you. Stayed home doing laundry and I’m having a date with my bed.’

‘I was home all day as well. Spent the evening with my daughter who’s BF is out of town.’

‘At least you have company.’

‘You want me to visit you?’

‘That would be nice, but the distance is brutal.’

‘It is; what’s your address?’

‘What? You should have it stored in your GPS.’

‘Just trying to figure out the drive time silly. I have a new phone, new car, even new underwear.’

Whoa, whoa; hold your horses! This is just too much and I’m not talking about him trying to drive over here, and arriving at what time exactly?

And what about the new car and underwear? A new toy on top of all those you already have? Why? This sounds to me like you have a huge emotional void that just doesn’t get resolved.

If such is the case, then I should feel happy for myself. I think I have the material possessions that I need at the moment, and take care a lot of them until it’s time to part from them.

Honestly, I’m not liking the comment the more I think about it. The word ‘arrogance’ keeps circling my mind and it’s gaining momentum.

Then there’s the thing with the underwear. If we were back in high school, for sure I would be interested in looking at them with that great body you used to sport.

But now, no thank you. I think I can find more interesting ones to look at on the Internet, for free!

This all translates that if he comes here, I know I will get upset when I see the car. Fine, I know my insecurities will surface, so might as well put a stop to this ego trip before I get really upset.

What will I do about it? Nothing; I’ll just sleep over it.



{December 9, 2013}   Looking Back 23 – Not happening

We got back very late and, although I was very tired, I couldn’t really fall asleep. I was still hoping that ‘the beach guy’ would call when I know it wouldn’t happen.

Besides, as much interest or availability he might had, I couldn’t expect him to make the 2-hour drive in such late hours of the night. So, I put him off my mind and managed to get some rest.

I think I was even more tired the next morning. It was the last day of my vacation and wanted to enjoy as much as I could before making the long drive home.

My high school friend and I were able to do one last thing before leaving late in the afternoon. Before reaching my apartment, I suggested having an early dinner on a restaurant I thought he would like.

He did very much and thanked me for it. Me, on the other hand, checked my phone from time to time. No missed calls.

By the time I got home I was more than exhausted from the trip. It had been a great one, but the emotional part really hit me hard.

I kept telling myself how good of an experience this was and the fact I couldn’t have one detail of it wasn’t a reason to let it ruin my long weekend.

So I did what I thought I should do; I kept myself busy the rest of the night, and put aside any negative thoughts that may question my efforts and outcomes of my attempts in having a relationship with a guy.

The results of this challenge had been that ‘it just didn’t happen’, and it’s up to the other person to take the next step if they want anything with me.

In other words, if nothing happens, that’s it, nothing else left to expect. End of story.



et cetera