The New M.E. Generation











The second half of my workday was hectic. A project came in that kept me busy until at least 7:30 p.m. I had the day off the next day, so I had to finish it.

I got home exhausted, ate something and went to sleep earlier than usual. I really needed a rest and wished there had been someone at home to greet me, share dinner with and helped me feel better after the day I had.

These were the days I missed not having a boyfriend, but I didn’t miss this one in particular. He was, of course, very far off of what I wanted in a man, so much that I didn’t even thought about him all night.

I woke up rested and took care of errands, did laundry, cooked, etc. I know it was Friday, but I just needed to have a stress-free day, putting my attention away from the day I had before.

All was calm around 7 p.m. when I get a text from him that read, ‘come over so we can be together’. Again, nothing of a greeting, asking how I am or even if I ‘would like’ to spend some time with him. The feeling that I was now having was one when you have food on your mouth that tastes so bad you want to spit it out.

Two things came to mind: pet dog and call girl. And they have things in common. Both are sitting around for you to come home or contact you, and react immediately when the fingers get snapped at them, without thinking about it.

And that’s how it has been with him, and other guys, that have crossed my life, to which I had allowed to happen. Whenever I reach out to them, either they don’t respond or do so many days later.

But if they contact me, I respond rather quickly. I don’t think I’ve ever not replied to anyone. If I don’t, it would mean something big has happened to me or had a legitimate reason.

I got upset and felt like a second-class person. But this was nothing new. I’ve never felt good with him. So I asked myself why have I allowed myself to feel this way over and over for so long, when it’s clear his way of being is unhealthy for me?

I know he could be ‘someone that I know’ or label him in some other way like, ‘a guy I went to school with’. Because, honestly, having he as a friend is something that has never happened. He may have been at times a ‘sympathetic ear’, but ultimately he has been him and all about him.

I held my mobile and decided I would not reply. I put it down and walked away.

A short while later he text again, ‘No response?’ I smiled sarcastically; interesting how people react when you change your behavior or ignore them completely.

Knowing if I turned down his invitation would get me ‘the guy speech’, i.e., he will turn the situation around to make it look as I’m the unhappy person who prefers to be alone than have fun, I replied another way.

‘I’m just done with my hectic day and I’m going home,’ said I. It was short and to the point as he does.

‘That sucks,’ said he.

And that was it. No ‘I wished could make you feel better in some way’ or anything else. But why should I be surprised? I should be the one surprising him by snapping my fingers at him and say, ‘walk away.’

And I need to ‘snap out of this’ and instead of acting like the girl that everyone expects of me, show everyone the woman I have become. Snap!

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We kept on chatting and eating the pizza. It certainly took me back to my college days when I didn’t have that much money and sometimes would split it with another guy when our budgets didn’t allow us to go outside of campus on a date.

No matter what day it was or what was happening, it always tasted good. It was one of those few moments that I would treat myself to something I liked.

It was nice that I was now being treated with something as simple as this and was still making me feel good.

That also made me remember the few guys I dated in college. Not everyone had a car, so the easiest thing to do was order a pizza for delivery.

Waiting for it to arrive was usually the ‘make or break’ moment because that’s the time you would talk about yourself and pretty much figure out what the guy was made of.

It was ironic that I was experiencing the same emotions over a food as I was doing tonight.

I believed we stayed for one more hour and decided to call it a night. We didn’t agree on anything happening next.

I thanked him for the evening during our walk back to the cars. He repeated the thing of walking in the inside of the sidewalk. But this time I took him by the arm and moved him to the outside.

“I was taught that guys should walk on the side that faces the street so they protect the woman,” said I to which he gave me a puzzled look for obviously not having any knowledge of this etiquette rule.

I really didn’t care if he liked it or not. I wasn’t doing it to be a show off or pretend I was better at him on certain life matters.

I did it because I wanted to determine if he was worth any more of my time once I got on my car and left.

He didn’t make any comment about what I said, so we kept walking as if nothing had happened.

We got to our cars, which for me signaled the end of the night.

“Thanks again, it was a lovely evening,” said I.

I didn’t say anything else. I was not making the same mistake as before of chasing guys or trying to define the situation immediately.

“Would you like to have a drink at my apartment? I’ve got wine,” said he.

Ok, that I wasn’t expecting. This made me remember of ‘want to hang out at my dorm room for a while?’

Oh boy, this question is as scary as a Halloween horror movie. Trick or treat?



‘Hi Johann!! I can’t believe it’s you!’ I replied to the email. ‘Would you believe I have been looking for you? You were nowhere to be found. So glad you reached out to me. What’s going on with you?’

I summarized my life from when I last knew about him until now, leaving all the negative aspects out and concentrating more on how happy I was that we had reconnected.

He replied the next day expressing surprise about my search and was equally happy that he had found me. He was still married and has three children, all pretty much grown up. He is still in the navy and living in the same place.

I got the sense that his life was well and stable, that he hasn’t had that much disappointments or difficult times. It was the same feeling that he used to convey when we used to write each other.

Thinking about that made me feel envious of him. It has been years since I’ve had a happy moment or interesting experience to remember.

He had everything I strived for: a family, home, tranquil life. I have none of that and haven’t had a relationship since becoming single again.

What’s his secret? Why can’t I have a life like that? At least I am glad that one of those who have a good one is he because he deserves it.

He was a great friend before and now knowing that he was actually looking for me makes me feel good. It’s wonderful to know that he’s one of many whom I touched their loved before, never forgot me, and now want me back into their lives.

It’s another validation that this journey of finding myself again has been all worth it. Hey, it’s a work in progress, but can’t wait to get there.

Hopefully now we won’t disconnect again.



I gave myself enough time to heal my wounds and think what I was to do next. He may have ended any relationship there was with me, but I was not done with him, not yet.

So I decided to write him and do what was pending from my behalf, take him out of my existence as well, to which I expressed like this:

‘I’m basically writing to let you know that I will no longer be contacting you. You made a decision regarding me whom I have no control of, and can only accept it whether I like it or not.

Right now I serve no purpose in your life nor I will in the future, so it’s better for me to exit.

Don’t worry about me; I will be fine. I have started deleting you from my life already.’

Damn, it feels really good what I did and said.



‘I can’t believe you don’t remember anything,’ wrote he. ‘We were more than friends in the sense of being affectionate to one another like kissing, hugging.’

All right, I don’t need to read any more. I know what happened here. Translation: I fell for him, a lot.

I may not remember much, but I do recall falling for guys somewhat fast, just like I did after I became single again. There has obviously been an emotional need I had to fulfill then and now.

So, did I fall for him for the right reasons, meaning, I had genuine feelings for him as a person and not because of what he was providing? Was there something real between us?

I mean, was it that bad that I unconsciously deleted all the data? I don’t think it was, but maybe I’m just trying to hold on to the nice moments to feel good about it.

‘You were a very lovable person with me, and I did had some feelings for you, otherwise, we wouldn’t have lasted together all the time that we did,’ said he. ‘Apart from the fact that you looked great then, and still do so now, you were equally that way inside. There was this goodness in you that made it easy for me to love you.

I have to admit that after contacting you, some of those feelings have resurfaced and that has not happened with other women I dated in school and have also reconnected with.

It hurts me to learn that your ex divorced you because I know any guy would be lucky to be with you. I will say this, if I was single, I would hop on a plane and visited you the first chance I had. I would love to see you again and rediscover what we once shared.’

Hmm, remember what I don’t remember? That would be nice.

But, what about this sadness I feel inside? What’s it all about?



I wrote in the subject area my name and that of school, and graduation year. I thought the first email (considering he would reply to it) was to say ‘hello,’ that I came across his name on the alumni website (all right, not the real truth, but it won’t hurt), and a summary of my post college life until today.

My plan is that if he does reply, and depending on the content and emotion of it (like he replied just for the sake of it, and doesn’t remember, or have no interest in establishing any communication with me), I will reveal to him the real reason I emailed him.

I really hope it turns out how I wish it to be. This situation has been going around my mind for quite some time, and after all I’ve lived, resolved, given closure to, and feel good about it, it would be seen more nicer for this to happen too.

Maybe this would be a good for the universe to intervene.

 

 



I finally found the courage to call him. I did around late in the evening, thinking he would be done with whatever he needed to do and available. Before I dialed I started getting anxious.

What if he doesn’t answer? I didn’t give him my number, so chances are he will not take the call. Well, that’s what I would do. So if he doesn’t answer, I will try again at another time, like the next day.

OK, here we go…(it’s ringing).

“Hello?” “Hi, it’s Emma.” “Hey, you finally called!” “Yeah…”(Oh no, his voice sounds weird, like, I don’t know, but it is.)

“I don’t know what to say,” said I, “we’ve pretty much said everything through the emails.”

Alex and I talked for a while, basically expanding on what was discussed online. After a few minutes my anxiety started to ease. His voice still sounded weird, but I forgot about that eventually.

Actually, my impression of him remained throughout the conversation. OK, still feeling good about it. So, what happens next after this conversation is over?

It seemed as if he was reading my mind when the next dreaded question was uttered.

“Would you like to finally meet?”



et cetera