The New M.E. Generation











My stress, unfortunately, didn’t level down. I always get like this when it’s a first date, although I was not trying to define it like that.

Heck, I could approach it as a night out, casual encounter, meeting, anything that wouldn’t make me think about what would or could happen next.

The way I select what to wear is so nerve wrecking, it’s almost like a self-defense mechanism so I don’t go on dates. Because the guys I’ve met haven’t been mostly unworthy, I’m already conditioned that it will always fail.

Maybe that’s the clue for my failures: I’m already giving it a verdict before the ‘trial’ happens.

So, I open my closet and first decide on pants or a dress. If I do on pants, then it’s the decision of the top. This means playing around with the ‘cards’ I have by putting the clothes on my bed. Once I like something, I try it on. If it works, I wear it. If not, keep trying options.

If all fails for me, then I try the dresses that I have and pray something will click and, more importantly, that it fits. Yes, that’s another factor. Because I don’t go out on that many dates, the clothes I usually have for that sit on my closet at times without being worn.

This means that when I try them on, they could not fit me any more for having gained weight or, if they do, they might be clothes that I decide at that moment it’s time to part with.

The second happens every so often with my wardrobe. I get on this mood that certain items remind me of a particular life period that I just want to forget, so I quickly take them out of the closet and place them in a bag to be donated.

It’s a cleaning process that makes me feel lighter, allowing my emotional space to heal and that of my closet to be filled with new things that reflect the present me.

I started looking at all my dresses and nothing was doing it for me until I looked at a strapless, black, a-lined model I’ve had for years. Of all the items I currently have on my closet, this is probably the oldest of them all. It’s been with me way before my marriage fell apart.

Why have I kept it, especially when it belongs to ‘my past life’? I know I go through a cleansing every so often, but this one always fits me no matter the weight I have, it has a timeless style and, most importantly, always makes me feel pretty when I wear it. It somehow manages to make me forget the history behind it and look at myself in a new light.

After this major undertaking is resolved, then it’s the shoes and accessories. I put them all together, switching choices around until the ‘this is it’ factor occurs.

Last step, unbelievably the less stressful of all, hair and makeup. They’re equally important, but I guess the other elements are what really reflect who I am as a whole. Once I’m all dressed up, I do a final inspection on myself that all is in order and I’m ready for the night.

I liked what I saw on the mirror, but will he like it?

I checked myself one more time and a thought came to mind: ‘Take it as if it was an adventure’. Don’t know where that came from, but I took a deep breath and left.

Was that you, universe?

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About a week or so after I had gone out to the lounge, I got a call to my mobile. Since I did not recognize the number, I decided not to answer it and have the call go to voice mail (hey, isn’t it what it is for?).

The caller did leave a message and, to my surprise, it was Jeffrey. More surprising was what he said. “Hey, it’s Jeff. I was driving around your area and, don’t know why, but I felt the need to call you.”

Oh, how nice it felt when I heard that! I even put my hand at my heart and shrugged my shoulders for how moved I got.

It was a great feeling indeed. His tone of voice sounded soft and sincere, like he appreciated me for who I was and not some ‘crazy cougar’ he met at a bar.

And getting that line of ‘I felt the need to call you’ sounded very romantic to me.

Even more, I felt loved again. I felt for a moment like I was flying on air. I felt pretty and every other good feeling in between.

I heard the message again several more times before calling back. More than showing that perhaps I was desperate (which I was, greatly), I wanted to enjoy this brief moment.

I had no idea what would happen after I returned the call. But during those minutes that I sat there and listened to the message, I had the feeling that my life would be just fine.

It is, so far, right now.



et cetera