The New M.E. Generation











After this long-extended first date, Bob and I continued seeing each other once a week and speaking on the phone almost every night.

Among the new things I learned about him was that he had a motorcycle and boat. Regarding the first, he is part of this group of cyclists that get together when someone organizes a meetup via email. One Saturday he texted me some photos before they all went for a day-long drive.

Asking me if I have been on one, he was surprised to know that, unfortunately, that has not happened with me.

I told him the ‘closest’ experience was riding a scooter in a Caribbean island with my ex when we were in the initial part of our relationship. I wanted to add humor to my anecdote, so I said that ‘we drove all over the place on one day’, that each time a stop was made in a street light, ‘I would get up from the seat to stretch, as my body began hurting after a while’.

What was really hurting was my butt, but I didn’t wanted to use that language with him just yet. And I know I shouldn’t be including my ‘x’ in conversations, but, at the same time, I didn’t say anything negative about him in this instance because it had been a nice experience for me.

Bob then asked me if I would like riding a motorcycle, to which I said that ‘yes, I would be open to doing that’, but that I would have to do it a couple of times before I gave him a more concrete answer as to whether I like bikes or not.

Regarding boats, I do have experience with that. I explained to him that during ‘my past life’ there was one that we owned, and that I was enjoying it at the beginning. But after a while of waking up every Sunday, rushing to the marina, spending a few hours on it, to then quickly rushing back before the lift stopped working for the day, washing it, giving it maintenance, dealing with the hot weather, etc., it eventually took a toll on me.

It became unenjoyable of working the whole week, then doing chores or errands on Saturdays (basically meaning having only 1 free day of some rest). Even when considering vacations, the boat had to be included somehow, which also took the fun away of planning or doing anything different that was non-water related.

As much as I tried to digest it, reality is that you either love boating or not. It’s either or. There’s no middle ground here. Even if you feel so-so about it, it means that you don’t.

My ‘x’, on the other hand, had been boating since forever. Even more, his grandfather and father have owned boats.

This is so engrained within him, that when I told him one time that I didn’t want to go out on the boat, he took it very personal in that I didn’t wanted to be him, which wasn’t true.

I tried to explain myself to Bob as objectively as possible, with an unfortunate tone in my voice that ‘it was me that wasn’t feeling the boat’, hoping not to point the finger at anything or anyone.

But when I mentioned that my ‘x’ took it personal me not wanting to be in the boat, I accidentally said that “it was always about him, my marriage was all about that: him.”

It was a sad and hurtful moment to realize. It never occurred to my ‘x’ to ask me about my feelings that day about the boat or anything else that had to do with me. As long as I did everything he expected of me, all was ‘fine’. He never cared to go below the surface and see what was causing the whirlwind within me.

Bob then wondered how I felt about boating in general, to which I said that ‘I haven’t done it for so long, it feels as if I’ve never experienced it before; that I would also need to do it a couple of times to define what my feelings are about it in the present’.

I may have sounded negative, but I wasn’t going to jump all over with excitement about joining him on the boat if that was not the case. I know that it’s worse to lie to others because it will bite you back later on and can be turned against you. I prefer to be straightforward in the beginning so if the other person doesn’t like it, then better now than later to part ways.

In spite all that I said, Bob still invited me to join him on his boat on a Saturday. Nice. At least he seems to understand where I’m coming from. I think.

I did mean what I said that I would be willing to give it a try. Just because I have bad memories doesn’t mean I can’t create good ones now. Who knows, I might shift all the way to liking it completely.

You may ask if I have any emotions still linked to the first boat mentioned (and that guy). I will tell you this: after all these years being single, I now feel a huge relief that I don’t have to deal with anything related to both any more.

I have sailed forward the best of my ability and have discovered more than some new worlds.

I have found the calm after the storm.

 

 

 

 

 

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{November 7, 2016}   The Swipe 7 – First impressions

Cameron and I agreed to meet at the bar of a family restaurant. I thought this would be the best way to do so, as if things don’t go along as you hoped for, then you can end the night early without much fuzz.

He showed up on time (which I liked), but wearing his usual work outfit, a printed t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. This is standard dressing for guys in my company, but if you’re going out on a first date, wouldn’t you amp up your style just a little bit, in an effort to make a good impression? I did.

Obviously this is all he’s got (clothes that is) and, sorry for saying this, has no idea what’s going on with men’s fashion, as printed t-shirts are now out of style and looks like will not make a comeback any time soon. In other words, his creativity on this surely failed.

We spoke about many things, but primarily on our relationships status. I shared some of my experiences and how the dating app has resulted in 2 disappointing connections so far.

He explained to me that he was going through a divorce, because his wife had gotten involved with another man (ouch!). She claims to be really into him and has even introduced this guy to her children (2 daughters; 13 and 10 years old) (second ouch!), all the while Cameron is living in his own apartment waiting for this whole mess to get resolved.

As a result, his work performance suffered greatly, which eventually lead him to being let go. Luckily, he was able to find another job rather quickly, thanks to the help of other people who also got laid off.

“Imagine being told by your spouse that they want a divorce and that they already have someone else,” said he to me. “Of course I had no mind for work and didn’t get the support from my colleagues that I needed at the time, so I was bound to fail in the long run.”

I told him that ‘I was exactly in your shoes some 8 years ago’, and that there’s no right answers to what to do or not when going through this. ‘Take one day at a time,’ was the best advice I thought I could give him then.

But, honestly, had I been in his place, I would have asked that whore wife of mine to move out with her male bitch boyfriend (and see how much this affair really survived), as well as keeping custody of the kids during the process. I wouldn’t have allowed for a stranger to set foot on a home I purchased with my efforts, and that surely has already spent many nights on the bed I used to share with my former spouse.

And introducing your lover to my kids? F@&* that! That’s showing you don’t care about anything or anyone except yourself.

Another comment that was raising brows was that he had dated a 24-year-old woman for 4 months, when he is 48 (this is a red flag which I will comment more later).

This is so typical of people to do, of getting involved with someone right away during or after a divorce, especially when in a situation like his where there’s cheating. And it is always for the wrong reasons, which is basically trying to show the cheater that, hey, you got yourself a lover, well, I have mine now.

And the icing on the cake being that she’s way younger than the wife (more like old enough to be Cameron’s daughter). It’s like a competition of trying to outdo in a bigger scale what the other person has done to you. Call it revenge, call it getting even, it’s all a need of ‘giving you a taste of your own medicine’ for the pain that has been inflicted on you.

The reason for the break-up with the 24-year-old, according to him, was that she expressed that she would like to have kids in the future and he doesn’t want any more, so at the end of a long, extensive conversation, they decided to call it quits.

I wasn’t buying the whole thing, as I very much know there’s two sides to every story, but because it was already in the past, I felt it was better not to expand on it when I didn’t even know how this date would end.

I didn’t ask him how long ago this happened, which was a mistake from my part. Depending on this detail, it can make a difference on any future relationship, especially if recent, because that means a person is not ready for a new one just yet.

The other red flag I didn’t give much thought to was when I asked him if he has gotten himself ‘fixed’. He told me ‘no’.

Dude, if you already decided you don’t want any more kids, you should take care of that right now! If you don’t, then it means you’re not 100% on board with this.

And why weren’t you upfront on this matter when you got involved with the 24-year-old? Even more, why risk having an ‘oopsie moment’? Put your ‘mucho macho’ ego aside (you’re not that hot to begin with) and get it done!

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the night was when he asked me if I was friends with Dina. Turns out that he had met her some years back in another state when he interviewed her at ad agency he worked at.

Even more surprising was that the current ad agency that Cam works for, as well as Dina’s and mine, all belong to one main company.

Dina and Cam share the same office space (different companies), and Cam recognized Dina because he saw a post of her on my social media.

Cam then said that he ‘sees her almost every day at the kitchen during lunch, but doesn’t talk to her because he doesn’t know her personally’.

Curiously, I know them both; Dina knows me, but doesn’t ‘know’ him; Cameron knows me and ‘knows’ her. Sounds confusing? It sure does, more like a ‘who knows who’ triangle.

Instead of me thinking that Dina will probably be happy to know that I’m dating Cameron (if that was to happen), I was thinking of her more as someone who could keep an eye on him. But that wouldn’t be right of me to ask, and for her to do, especially at work.

So what plan of action will it be? Too early to say. Honestly, if I survive this night and move forward to other meetings, I’ll consider it a small victory in my never-ending dating saga.

Meanwhile, I’ll just drink to it all. Cheers!

 

 

 

 



My stress, unfortunately, didn’t level down. I always get like this when it’s a first date, although I was not trying to define it like that.

Heck, I could approach it as a night out, casual encounter, meeting, anything that wouldn’t make me think about what would or could happen next.

The way I select what to wear is so nerve wrecking, it’s almost like a self-defense mechanism so I don’t go on dates. Because the guys I’ve met haven’t been mostly unworthy, I’m already conditioned that it will always fail.

Maybe that’s the clue for my failures: I’m already giving it a verdict before the ‘trial’ happens.

So, I open my closet and first decide on pants or a dress. If I do on pants, then it’s the decision of the top. This means playing around with the ‘cards’ I have by putting the clothes on my bed. Once I like something, I try it on. If it works, I wear it. If not, keep trying options.

If all fails for me, then I try the dresses that I have and pray something will click and, more importantly, that it fits. Yes, that’s another factor. Because I don’t go out on that many dates, the clothes I usually have for that sit on my closet at times without being worn.

This means that when I try them on, they could not fit me any more for having gained weight or, if they do, they might be clothes that I decide at that moment it’s time to part with.

The second happens every so often with my wardrobe. I get on this mood that certain items remind me of a particular life period that I just want to forget, so I quickly take them out of the closet and place them in a bag to be donated.

It’s a cleaning process that makes me feel lighter, allowing my emotional space to heal and that of my closet to be filled with new things that reflect the present me.

I started looking at all my dresses and nothing was doing it for me until I looked at a strapless, black, a-lined model I’ve had for years. Of all the items I currently have on my closet, this is probably the oldest of them all. It’s been with me way before my marriage fell apart.

Why have I kept it, especially when it belongs to ‘my past life’? I know I go through a cleansing every so often, but this one always fits me no matter the weight I have, it has a timeless style and, most importantly, always makes me feel pretty when I wear it. It somehow manages to make me forget the history behind it and look at myself in a new light.

After this major undertaking is resolved, then it’s the shoes and accessories. I put them all together, switching choices around until the ‘this is it’ factor occurs.

Last step, unbelievably the less stressful of all, hair and makeup. They’re equally important, but I guess the other elements are what really reflect who I am as a whole. Once I’m all dressed up, I do a final inspection on myself that all is in order and I’m ready for the night.

I liked what I saw on the mirror, but will he like it?

I checked myself one more time and a thought came to mind: ‘Take it as if it was an adventure’. Don’t know where that came from, but I took a deep breath and left.

Was that you, universe?



I know what to do here. I’ll speak to one of my girlfriends about it. It’s been a while since I’ve shared my guy troubles with them over the phone.

Honestly, when I’m with any of my bff’s, I just rather talk about pretty much about anything else. And, my stories got repetitive after a while, so I decided to put them aside.

But, hey, maybe they’re curious about it now, so I’m calling Madeline. If I want the truth well told she’s the one to give it to me.

“Hey, girl,” said she, “ what do you have to tell me that I might not know about?”

“Well, you know me,” said I, “there’s always something going on with a guy. Remember that one which my first date was a total disaster?”

“What? That guy still around? What’s wrong with you? Are you that desperate?”

“No, I thought a second chance would be fine. Let’s face it, there’s hasn’t really been a follow-up with most of the others.”

“But, did you had to give it to this one? Whatever, tell me all about it.”

I gave her the details and pulled my phone slightly away from my ear. I knew the backlash was quickly about to happen.

“I can’t believe you let that guy into your apartment, especially after sounding strange over the phone!” said she.

“I honestly thought nothing would happen.”

“Seriously, with the history that he has? Nothing happened because you put a brake to it, but it was that close. Listen to me good, if there’s ever a next time, which I seriously hope not, just meet him up somewhere and don’t move from that location. If you do is just to make your exit and head home.”

All right, the conversation wasn’t that bad after all. I thought she was really going to give it to me. But, she’s right; she’s always, always right. That’s why I called her.

And regarding a next time with this guys, well, there’s a saying that ‘third’s a charm’ or it could certainly hit a strikeout.



I suggested we went to the restaurant on my car using the reason that I knew how to get there easily.

Reality was I still wanted to be in the ‘driver’s seat’ of controlling the situation. Plus, after his never-ending travel to my place, I just wanted to get to the location quickly and finish the night the same way.

We got there within a few minutes and got some wine. I, again, was facing him forward and kept my serious demeanor at all times.

He started talking about pretty much what we did way back on our first date, especially on the ‘I can’t believe my friend didn’t tell me about you’ topic, and I realized this was going to be a long evening.

“Listen,” said I, “if it is beyond your believe that he never told you about me, why don’t you call him and complain to him directly?”

That threw him off guard completely. Seriously, dude, enough with your whining already. I’ll tell you why he probably didn’t tell you; you’re annoying!

When he realized I wasn’t into discussing that topic, he kept on with other ones from before, but between the drink and meal, I simply tuned out the conversation. I managed to do that so well I can’t recall any of it.

And, just when I thought the dinner had some time left to finish, turns out the people sitting at the table next to us were from the same hometown, and off he was talking to them.

“Well, hey,” said he, “you probably knew (name), he was my uncle! Man, I loved that guy!”

Where does this come from? I knew who that person was. He was a very well known public figure that became famous on a national level when people from home were starting to make a presence in it.

Unfortunately he passed away rather quickly about 15 years ago and it was a big blow for everyone. He was very close to him and the drinking surely brought back memories of the times they shared together.

The people at the other table didn’t pay much attention into that so he kept talking about it with me. Although I admired his uncle, I wasn’t much into listening about him, but at least it was a change of topics that didn’t include me, his friend, or anything else I’ve already heard far too many times.

He kept on going until, to my luck, we finished dinner, the wine and anything else he wanted to say.

Time to move on = ‘check please!’



“Care to dispute? I’m listening,” said I. “From experience, whether you call them or not, behave well (or not) on the first date and else, afterwards most of them become MIA.

My girlfriend says that if you don’t impress them right away, they’re not interested in you for anything, not even a friendship. I think she’s right.”

“So you’re saying that men are not interest in you after that first date because you’re unable to impress them?” asked he.

“I don’t know what their problem is, but that’s pretty much what’s happening. Even if I make the effort of calling them, they don’t return my calls or want to go out again.”

“I just don’t get it. If you have been able to recover your personality, you shouldn’t be having this problem. It doesn’t make sense.

I wonder what aura you emit that make men want to take off. Maybe you’re trying too hard or feeling insecure.”

“I think it’s a combination of things. After been married for so long you have to figure out how to date again like when we did back in school.

More than trying too hard, I think it’s a trial and error. I have to keep on trying until I get it right.

Insecure? Sometimes because you don’t get why guys snob you. But I’ve learned not to take it personal or put the blame on me.”

“You were always kind of quiet in school, but smiling and in a good mood. If you’re not happy now with yourself and/or your life, it will hold you back to getting what you want. You need to get rid of the crap that won’t allow you to fly.

You’re still young and attractive, and should be living life to the fullest. And, you don’t need a guy to be in that good place. You do need to get your act together or you will never be happy in a relationship.”

“I know, I know. I’m working on it.”



The day of the date finally arrived and, as usual, I started getting freaked out as to what to wear. Luckily, I had read an article that women on a first date should wear a skirt or a dress, high heels, and get a blow out at a salon.

The first two I can do, but, the third, I think I can handle that myself. So I decided to go with a dress so I don’t have to worry on finding a top that matches the skirt or, in other words, having more decisions to make.

I gravitated towards a dress that has a red and white print, which length sits right below my knee and the neckline doesn’t show too much cleavage. I don’t see myself as someone who has a lot to be showing, but I don’t want to come across as vulgar, even less desperate.

I then migrated to the shoes. I had just purchased (on sale, of course) a high-heeled wedge that had a dark brown and black tone. They’re not too high or low, making it the perfect height for the dress.

I was happy with what I putted together. It was all me and felt it was bringing out my best features. I felt I looked elegant without overdoing it, and not too sexy that will make this guy think I’m after “other things.”

All right, let’s see how things turn out.



et cetera