The New M.E. Generation











I did not get a reply with a picture as I hoped for. Instead, I had a dream. In it, I saw him, his spouse and child. I don’t recall that I was involved in the dynamics of what they were doing.

I was sitting on the side, looking at all this as if I was watching a movie on a small screen. They were so happy and I was smiling, but it wasn’t one of a complete glee.

I was envious of them. I was feeling it again, wanting that, all that and more that makes him happy.

When I woke up I was confused. Why was I sitting on the side and not part of the group? Why did my mind bring this up again? I know he’s settled and content with the life he has. So why did I had to ‘see it’ for myself in a dream to reassure myself?

Now the feelings I thought I was able to start putting to rest sort of came back. I was feeling sad of all lost or perhaps what I never got to have when I was married.

Probably I just needed to ‘picture it’ and learn that, yes, I will fulfill my dream of settling again, having a house and family, and be happy.

I needed to see it through others so I know it is possible. And it will if I set ‘my mind’ and soul into it, because if I visualize, it will happen.

Now that’s something worth dreaming about.

 

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Another week went by and I was pretty much over my short-lived experience with Christian. I had taken Dina’s approach of not letting if affect me emotionally.

But there was a part of me that stayed wondering what finally happened with him. I wanted to give him a call and find out. But, what if he is really not interested in me?

What the hell? I’ll just do it. If he answers and shows no interest in me, I’ll hang up and keep going on with my life.

I’ll just take it as another mindless incident that occurred in my life.

I thought the call would be unanswered and go to voicemail. Instead, it did get answered.

Christian was very surprised and relieved that I had called again. He started talking very fast like his minutes were about to expire.

“You are probably thinking I am the worst guy ever. But I lost my phone, and I know you were going to call me again, and I wish I could have another chance to proof you wrong…”

He just kept going non-stop. I didn’t have to do the talking. He said everything I was hoping to hear and then some. Now I was the one who didn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry you lost your phone. Yeah, I was wondering what might have happened to you when we agreed to keep in touch,” said I.

“I know, I know. You probably thought I was being rude to you.” (I think you made that clear.)

“I’m not really thinking anything.” (Liar!)

“So, can I make it up to you? Please?”

“Ah, sure.”

“I’m going to be with my buddy on his boat on Sunday. I can pick you up at the marina in the afternoon and go for a cruise around the bay.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Great! I’ll see you then.”



After that phone call that almost ended in disastrous manner, I wasn’t thinking much about Jeffrey. The incident came at a really bad time for me.

Because of what I was going through, my mind and emotions were not coordinated as they should have.

I was very self-conscious of all I was saying and doing. But, really, who cared? I was completely alone and the result of what had happened was due to my newfound inexperience of dating.

On the other hand, what if this cougar actually had a positive effect on this guy? (What?) Yes, let’s think this over.

I did touch a nerve on him, which could eventually make him make a decision on his situation. There’s two options for him: one, leave things as they were (or do nothing about it); two, decided to end the relationship and restart his life again.

Hmm, wonder if I’ll get an answer for that. And that will only occur if he comes again into the picture.

What? You think I should be looking for him? Honestly, right now, this is the least of my concerns.



After Jay left, our correspondence continued and we were missing each other terribly. Saying good-bye to him at the airport was very hard. We kept hugging each and I tried not to cry. I didn’t look through my rear view window when I drove away because I was just too sad.

The waiting for his arrival felt forever and, now that he was gone, my place felt very empty and lonely as before he came. It was as if he had never made the trip.

About two months later, Jay came back for another week that, of course, included more water skiing, but no travel to the resort.

This time around, he got more of a taste of what my life was about. He got to see Dina again, met Madelyn, and I took him to the different places that I usually go out to.

I even told my friends and family about him. I communicated to others that Jay was someone special that was now part of my life, and all were happy that there was someone else to whom I was special too as well.

Jay even expressed for me to go visit him a few months later at the lake community he was living at. This way, I could really get a sense of his life as a whole now that he got to know mine, and as a way to hopefully continue whatever we had going.

Yes, the relationship conversation was again brought up. The original agreement of continuing to see other people, only as friends, and to keep the communication or honesty open, was to stand.

The second time around went equally as good, but as soon as he left, uncertainty about the future about our relationship quickly sink in once again. This was the last time that, for now, Jay could visit me. And even if I did go to Canada, what was to happen between us after I returned home was in question.

I mean, people were happy for me, but everyone was having the same concern as well. They were glad to learn that I had a love in my life, but what were the chances of a long distance relationship of ever working out?

Forget about the mutual feelings and that we were both different from each other in so many ways. The distance factor was one that, in the end, would do just that, end anything.

I’m digesting all this and can’t come to a conclusion. I figured out that, for now, I’ll go visit him, see how that goes, and take it from there.

And, yet again, I’m throwing all this into the universe, hoping it will give me some direction or answer to my uncertainties.

And it did, but not exactly in what I was shooting for.



et cetera