The New M.E. Generation

We got to the restaurant and got seated right away. I suggested a medium pizza, but he insisted on ordering a large. I used the excuse of me watching my weight. But it really was that I didn’t want to come across as wanting to take advantage of him, in spite I knew he could afford to buy me more than just one big pie.

While we waited to be served, the conversation continued covering many trivial past things. I don’t recall how it happened, but the situation about the failed meeting the year before surfaced.

“You know, regarding what happened last year…”

I knew which way he wanted to go with this incident and that he was to get the last word, just like all he does, and I wasn’t allowing it.

“You called me that Saturday at 4pm and the plans I had for that day were still ongoing. What did you expected, that I was going to alter them?” said I in a somewhat upsetting tone.

“I already had a room reserved for me to sleep at. You know I have my kids, but cleared the rest of the day to be with you,” answered he.

The rest of the day? Maybe the night was still open, but that weekend was all about me, not him.

He realized that my temper was not mellowing down and I was not going to give in, so he made a ‘time-out’ signal with his hands, which stopped the debate.

‘Good timing’, pizza’s here.

I calmed down after a few bites. He switched topics to that of his kids, which I’ve heard plenty of before. He showed me videos and photos of them, never short of reiterating how much he loved and was proud of them.

I always respect men who are like that, but the sad reality was that if I had a relationship with him, they were always going to be first, no matter their age. That’s what happened in my marriage and would have remained regardless if I have had them, and I don’t want any of that ever again.

The other issue is that he doesn’t want any more kids. He told me he got ‘fixed’, so that’s it with that. I know my time to have them naturally has expired. But what if I wanted to have one in the future, like with an adoption? With him the chances were basically zero to none.

He kept on talking about the kids and I kept myself ‘busy’ by chewing on the pizza. But most of what he said got diluted on my mind, to the point I don’t recall most of what he said.

Worst part is, I was starting to get sad. I have known for the longest time that nothing was ever to happen between us, not even a friendship or whatever could be defined, and that is good because I’ve given closure to that.

But it shows how much time and energy was wasted when I was a teenager. I know I was immature and didn’t know any better. Question is: How much have I really evolved these last years to what men relates to?

So, what else is this night going to serve me?

Unfortunately, the reconnection was short lived.

Shortly after our last conversation, I noticed that he basically discontinued any sort of communication.

If he responded to any email, he would write that he was busy with work, or would give some other cheap excuse for his lack or delay to respond.

Even at times when I’ve had a tough day or needed a sympathetic ear to listen to me, the emails reflected a lack of support and understanding, which were very different from the ones I received when we first reconnected.

From one day to the next, I was not important to him any longer and had a feeling he had taken me out of his life, again. But not the way I thought it did.

One day, out of nowhere, all I got was a brief email stating that ‘my wife saw your pictures at the social site and asked me a lot of questions about you. It was a very intense conversation. I need some time to figure out things, but I hope that we keep being friends.’

I was shocked at what I read and all confused as to what it meant, until it quickly hit me.

I went online to the site and the blow was even worse; he deleted me as his friend. And, his profile was created in a way that it could not be located by others searching for it.

‘He deleted me, Why, why?’ is all that crossed my mind as I stared at the screen.

Sadness engulfed me pretty much the same way it did when I tried to remember the last time I saw him.

I don’t know how much time passed when I started to cry and did so for some more time until I couldn’t any more.

He’s gone, again. Life repeated itself, again. No closure on this situation, again. All I could do then was close the website and computer, and try to go to sleep.

“Emma, when I contacted you I had no other goal than knowing how you were and maybe keeping in touch from time to time. I never thought that by doing so it would bring back feelings for you in the way that they have. You don’t know how much I wish I could see you again.”

“The thing is that we live in separate states. Even if you eventually became single, you would still need time to recover.

It has taken me a long time to finally settle down after my divorce. I gave up all before to be with a guy and I’m not doing that at this time. My plans are to stay where I am.

It’s like our whole experience is repeating again. I guess life took care of it by not allowing us to be together because it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Please don’t say that we will never see each other again. I get it, you don’t need to be any more hurt than what you already are, and I wouldn’t hold on to the impossible. Feeling the way you do is the same mechanism you used in school to deal with it.

But I care for you, and this time I’m not going away. I want to be part of your life somehow, that is, if you want me to.”

“I can’t express to you how I feel, even less give closure to this new experience. How can I then define what you could be in my life? I don’t know. I never thought I would have to deal with something like this; not now, not this way.”

I was glad I could finally give closure to this past experience. But I want to keep it ‘in mind’ from time to time. It’s always a good lesson to go back to.

I stared at the baby pictures a little bit longer and decided to send one of me so he could see how I looked today. But I also wanted to know what he thought I looked like.

I was also curious to see a current image of him. He was not available at any social network, so even more the interest. I remember that he was very committed to exercising, which I bet he was still much involved with today.

But, why should he include a picture of himself? After all, he’s married and it may not sit well with his spouse (if she finds out). Maybe he could include a picture of his whole family. That would be nice to see.

Maybe that’s not what I need to see to finally feel peaceful, seeing that life has given him al that he truly deserved, and more.


So how do I give closure to this experience? I’ve been thinking about it for some time and the answer is simple: keep only the good. Or said in better words, take the bad and make it the opposite.

Yes, I may have talked about my divorce seven times in one day. But each of the guys that have been present in my life have been preparing me for ‘the one’ when he comes. And when it happens, I will certainly get it right.

Yes, I may have allowed a man I barely knew enter my life. But now I know that I am ready to open my heart and love to the fullest once again.

And, yes, I had feelings for a man who I knew living apart from him would eventually lead to nothing. But I took a risk and for two weeks out of my life, I lived them to the fullest.

Lived to learn that, yes, love can happen again when you least expect it.

I may at times cry late in the night over Jay, wonder if he misses my text messages or calls, if he ever thinks about me (and if he does, what crosses his mind?), or anything else for that matter.

When I look back at that first week, that moment when Jay arrived and held my face between his hands and kissed me, is what I will always remember. This is the image that I will forever hold.

Even more, I will forget about anything negative that happened.

Do I have any regrets about it? None whatsoever. Nope.

So, universe, what’s next in line for me? Is the new guy going to be the ‘it guy’ or have the planets not aligned for this girl yet?

Still waiting for some manifestation to occur that might give me an answer. All right, I’ll be patient. I have all the time in the world (well, almost). And you know what?

I feel something really good is headed my way…

After talking to a friend that I met two events back and is relocating back to his native Australia for some months, I left the event feeling tranquil.

After all this time thinking I may have said or done something that had scared Ross away, I finally got closure to this experience with one truth above all else: this guy is a total loser and the best thing that ever happened was that he disappeared as quickly as he appeared.

The only good thing I can say about him is that he gave me the last push I needed to finally make my long pending trip back to Boston and my college in Connecticut.

I’m walking to my car and it is certainly a beautiful night, not too cold, with a full moon and many stars in the sky. I haven’t taken a look up for a while and it certainly calmed my emotions towards love.

I know that in this aspect I have been very unlucky for far too long, and I’m wondering if there’ll ever be a happy ending for me, a forever after, or perhaps a ‘prince charming’ who will kiss this ‘bad spell’ away for good.

In spite of everything that I’ve lived, I still believe in love, that life can be great, and that something wonderful is meant for me somewhere in this lifetime.

And how will that happen you may ask?

You just got to keep wishing on the stars.

et cetera