The New M.E. Generation











I couldn’t get to sleep that night. All that had to do with he and I kept going around my mind over and over with no resolution.

When I finally fell asleep, I had a dream. In it, he and I were standing face to face. I looked at him straight to his eyes and repeatedly asked him, ‘Why did you leave me? Why?’ while trying to push him away.

He didn’t answer me. He held my hands and I lowered my head with tears coming out of my eyes. He then hugged me and I placed my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I felt an immense sense of peace.

I then woke up and stared at the ceiling in the dark, and it all came back to me. We never concluded what we had the last time we saw each other. We simply turned around and walked away from each other and our feelings. We let go of everything that joined us, but not of what we felt towards each other.

So what happens next? Nothing. What we shared belongs to that time and there’s nothing else for me to do other than learn from it and finally close that chapter of my life.

Maybe we needed to part ways and find each other again so we could get it right the second time around. And I think we finally did that, even in the distance. It is now up to us to decide if the connection remains or we part ways again.

Whatever the outcome, he will always remain in my thoughts and can only wish the best for him.

So I guess it will be good-bye, for now.

Advertisements


It surely was Alex sitting at the window table. “Hi, so glad we finally meet,” said I with sort of a hurried voice due to my fast walking. He looked fine and very similar in person as he does in his profile pictures, which is good to me. No surprises here, which I honestly don’t want at this time.

When he saw me coming in, he had a face of ‘wow,’ but I couldn’t decipher what he was expressing. It was a cross between ‘damn, she’s cute’ and ‘damn, she doesn’t look at all like the person in her profile.’ Hmm, maybe he’s just trying to show that he’s ‘under control,’ like me.

I sat down and quickly apologized for my delay. I don’t think I was that late, but I thought it was the right thing to do. I told him about me walking right by the location and finding myself completely ‘lost in space.’ I had a legitimate reason for what happened, but also thought making fun of my mistakes could ‘break the ice,’ and it did.

Alex totally understood me, as he had a share of unexpected situations in other online dates he previously had, which, according to him, were worse. He didn’t disclose those details at that moment (good move from his part), and I only hoped that I don’t make more and become another one of his dating ‘casualties.’

I slowly, but surely, settled down and started enjoying myself. The conversation continued very easily about our online experiences, followed by more personal subjects, like divorce.

I know this was a topic not to be touched so quickly, but both having experienced so much, the tone did not feel negative or out of place. It actually made us closer together as people.

He and I took advantage of the restaurant promo, which turned out to be great. I was now more concentrated on showing my best table manners and etiquette possible. At moments I thought to myself I was being hard with myself, but I just wanted to get it right, for once.

After dinner, Alex suggested having another drink at a bar about a block away from the restaurant. Good thing to suggest because the night was going well, but bad for my feet as they were still aching.

I think I can walk and sustain the pain for a few minutes. Then, when I get to the bar, find a chair to sit at. If  there’s only one available, he will let me take it. That’s if, he is a true gentleman.

We’ll find out soon enough.



To my surprise, the guy responded to my emails and finally gave me his name, Alex. He also agreed with me about being friends first and keeping it if nothing else evolved. “A friendship always remains,” is what he said.

Hmm, deep thought. Wow, sounds I came across somebody with intelligence. Yep, he’s definitely someone up my alley. Someone that maybe I’ll finally find what I’m looking for.

Why didn’t I thought about it before, establishing a friendship? Duh, there was no chance at that. Either I clung to the guys because I needed to fill an emotional void, or the guys just wanted to have fun, or had no interest in getting involved for whatever reason. There was no chance of anything serious because the foundation was never laid.

And why should this guy be any different? For starters, at least we’re on the same page, and have agreed to continue communicating via email until we feel is time to take the next step, talking on the phone. It may sound stupid, but it’s not to me.

I just want to get it right even if at least once. I don’t think I’m asking that much from the universe, am I?



{September 23, 2010}   Friendship Above All 2 – 5 guys

I decided to do what I did the first time; I will select about 5 guys from among certain age groups, to which they will receive a ‘wink,’ ‘kiss,’ message or acknowledgement that I have an interest in establishing some contact with them.

I will also only grant access to my profile to those people who I initiate contact with. I learned my lesson from my previous experience. No more unwanted emails from loads of guys I would have never even considered.

I am also aware that among those emails was the one from Ivan. I don’t regret meeting him, but learned that I need to tweak my strategy if I want to get to my goal.

Otherwise I’ll go back to doing the ‘trial and error’ thing that has never worked in the past. I would let things happen and then react or decide what to do later.

Hopefully I will be able to have more control of what happens next and finally get it right.

OK, let the search begin.



So how do I give closure to this experience? I’ve been thinking about it for some time and the answer is simple: keep only the good. Or said in better words, take the bad and make it the opposite.

Yes, I may have talked about my divorce seven times in one day. But each of the guys that have been present in my life have been preparing me for ‘the one’ when he comes. And when it happens, I will certainly get it right.

Yes, I may have allowed a man I barely knew enter my life. But now I know that I am ready to open my heart and love to the fullest once again.

And, yes, I had feelings for a man who I knew living apart from him would eventually lead to nothing. But I took a risk and for two weeks out of my life, I lived them to the fullest.

Lived to learn that, yes, love can happen again when you least expect it.

I may at times cry late in the night over Jay, wonder if he misses my text messages or calls, if he ever thinks about me (and if he does, what crosses his mind?), or anything else for that matter.

When I look back at that first week, that moment when Jay arrived and held my face between his hands and kissed me, is what I will always remember. This is the image that I will forever hold.

Even more, I will forget about anything negative that happened.

Do I have any regrets about it? None whatsoever. Nope.

So, universe, what’s next in line for me? Is the new guy going to be the ‘it guy’ or have the planets not aligned for this girl yet?

Still waiting for some manifestation to occur that might give me an answer. All right, I’ll be patient. I have all the time in the world (well, almost). And you know what?

I feel something really good is headed my way…



et cetera