The New M.E. Generation

After this confusing weekend, this guy and I continued communicating, but in a limited way. He was either working all the time, and whatever free time he had was basically to run errands or go to church, where he was again in prayer groups or activities until late hours of the night.

The next incident that we had together some time after was that I copied him a text message that another guy I’ve been having an ‘on and off’ relationship had sent me. The situation with this other guy was that he would get upset with me either because of something I said, or as a result of my actions or behavior towards him. Whenever I said ‘no’ to him (like going out), this second guy would get really mad and would vent out everything that he hated about me via texting.

Even worse, the guy would write that he didn’t want me in his life any more, to later look for me again. Instead of me cutting ties with him, I would get into this very bad vibe of questioning myself that really took me to a negative place, and agreed to see him again, to try to make things better, to which encounters would fail over and over.

On this particular occasion, I got his text during a work day and had to hide my face so people would not see me cry. I was so sad and confused I tried calling my friend for support, to which he didn’t answer, and even ask him for his opinion to the text, to which he completely ignored the whole day, in spite me telling him I was emotionally not doing good.

When my then friend finally called me back, I was driving home from work, and he had this very, very, angry tone of voice. It felt like some diabolic spirit had taken over him.

“The reason why this is happening to you of having problems with guys, or not having a boyfriend, is because you haven’t forgiven you ex spouse,” said he.

Now I was the one who became really angry and demonic. “WTF??? You know what? I don’t have to, because I forgave him so many times, and he still cheated on me, disrespected me, gave him a second chance when he separated from me the first time, put up with things that you have no idea about.

He doesn’t deserve being forgiven because I did it so much, he got used to it as an entitlement and he didn’t appreciate my gestures. He doesn’t know what forgiveness really means and how valuable that is when someone gives it to you. He needs to remember how much pain he caused me, so hopefully that sticks in his head and maybe create some change in him.

I have lived all my life pleasing other people or doing what they expect of me. They are happy when I do, but don’t care if I’m not. If I say ‘no’ to others, then I’m the one with the attitude problem or the bitch. If I do as they comply, everything seems to run well; there’s no arguments, confrontations, fights, but reality is all is not good.

And did that help me with my marriage? No! My ex still divorced and remarried within a few months. Besides, who are you to tell me this when you have never forgiven your father or sister??” concluded I.

When he heard the last part, he got stuck on his words because he knew what I said backfired at him. Here he was trying to preach me his religious fanaticism to make me look bad and he be the ‘omnipotent’.

He kept arguing with me trying to win, only to find I wasn’t keeping quiet, or backing down, and snapping at him any argument he said.

The sad part about this is that he never apologized with me. He used to give me advice, listen, comfort me. Now he was just a bitter, angry, stubborn, closed minded, hypocritical, manipulative man.

Me, it has taken me a lot of effort and tears to get to a better emotional state, and wasn’t going to allow anyone to ruin it, even if it was at the expense of our friendship. Besides, he was the one to blame for all this mess.

And forgive for what I’m about to say: have you ever thought that maybe the reason why everything is not working out for you is because you are doing things the wrong way? Doing what the church or bible says is no guarantee that place in heaven you think so much you have earned will happen for you.

To forgive someone else is a privilege. In reality, one has to do the forgiveness to oneself and ‘disconnect’ from the other person as much as possible. This is what I did in my case; I came to terms that in spite all that I did to save my marriage, my ‘x’did everything to destroy it.

I don’t want to forgive him because I want those emotions inside of me to be a reminder that I will never again allow any other guy to do to me what my ‘x’ did. I know it’s not the Catholic way, but my way, the one that will give me the peace and strength to move on, which is what the One above want us to have.

Does this all mean I won’t forgive this guy? Let’s put it this way: “eso no sirve” (not worth it) is another quote of his that he used to use when he gave me his opinion about guys I’ve known. So, then, if I ‘practice what he preaches’, then you know what the answer is.


During the drive back to his apartment there was no mention of the incidents that had unfolded earlier.

I do remember that he requested that if I went to the beach and back to the apartment with his car, to please hose down the undercarriage around the tires so the sand wouldn’t build up and affect the transmission. He showed me how to do it before entering the apartment.

I don’t remember well the sequence of events from that moment forward, but I did go back to the beach on my own another day, went back to the apartment, then picked him up at school.

Upon returning home, he knew I didn’t do the what he told me to just by looking at the car. “You didn’t wash it, right?” said he with a face off ‘I can tell.’

“Yes, I did”, said I with a tone that wasn’t even convincing to myself.

He rolled his eyes and shook his head as you do when you know your child is not telling the truth. So he grabbed the hose and took care of it.

I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. All that he has asked of me was to do this simple task considering the hospitality he had extended to me.

I had a mild rebellious side of not doing what others told me, but I knew better than that. Besides, neither of us was raised that way. We were taught to respect and take care of other people’s things, especially when they were borrowed.

My friend’s reaction was not knew to me, because at times my behavior was what he referred to as ‘a little cold’. This meant I would stay stuck on you like one that refused to end. I wasn’t behaving bad, but at times dealing with me was like that.

I was someone that regardless you loved me or not, I would always leave some residue on people that would make them remember me.

The next event I recall was that both were taking naps, as we were to go out that evening. I was in his bed and he downstairs in the sofa. I don’t know how long I rested for, but when I woke up the home was very quiet.

I then walked to the staircase and sat mid-way to look at him while he joyfully slept. I didn’t want to wake him up, so I just sat there, looking.

I don’t know what made me do this, but it was as if something told me to. It was a weird moment as if life was asking me to define what was I to do with him.

But because of my insecurities of the time, I instead thought about how great his life looked in comparison to mine: he had overcome the past and knew exactly how to take hold of the future. He was living the way I wished I could do, but didn’t know how to get there.

I was so into thinking about myself that I didn’t consider if he could become part of that change or my life as a whole as he had been for so long.

It was one of those moments that you’re ‘looking down’ at things and you’re just sitting there wondering what to do next.

In other words, there’s this opportunity a few steps away that could alter your existence all together and you’re not reacting to it? Am I stepping forward or backwards?

The answer coming up next…

‘So I guess you wouldn’t be interested in meeting me? Seems that your previous experiences weren’t good’, read his message.

For being written at such an early morning time, the depth of the content surprised me. I think any other guy would have already suspended communication.

But, above all, it was what he questioned that hit me. I know he meant the younger men, but has there been someone really worth remembering?

My mind went blank right away thinking on this.

Yes, that’s how bad these relationships have been. There may have been positives on them, but it’s not really something that I would share with others, not even for gossip or as a learning lesson.

I also know each person deserves a break and be treated differently, without using other people as comparison to decipher them.

And he approached me, which is totally different from me chasing others in the past.

But, again, is this worth engaging at, even via emails?

‘It is not if I want to meet you or not, but whether it’s worth doing it. I guess we will never know until we go out’, replied I.

I sent the message and sometime later I regretted what I said. I checked my message and he hadn’t responded to it.

‘Disregard what I said before. It sounds as if I was imposing on you. Seeing each other depends if we both feel comfortable in doing so. I’m totally fine if it doesn’t happen’.

I hate to admit that I have a curiosity to meet him, but it’s probably more for the ‘thrill of the adventure’, which in my world has always led to crash and burn.

So, am I taking the jump or not?

So that’s what I did. I replied by email a week later thinking he would feel upset for my late response and forget about going out. But, no, he replied rather quickly saying to call him.

I didn’t do it right away. I just didn’t want to come across as desperate. Besides, I wasn’t that excited of going out again. I know many months have passed, but I still had an uneasy feeling about him.

So when I thought it was time, I called and he answered right away (maybe he’s the one who’s desperate). He was also driving and coming back from some event.

“Well, hey, you, what’s up? What have you got to tell me?” asked he.

What is he saying? He doesn’t sound ‘normal’. Definitely not the voice I remember from before.

“Fine,” said I, “just moved south to a new place last weekend.”

“What?? Why the heck did you do that for? Your previous location was great and closer to me.”

“Changes.” (Seriously, it’s not your freaking problem.)

“But, look, man, what, why all the way there?”

“What are you complaining about? It’s done!” (What’s his problem? That this area is not up to his standards?)

He kept rambling on about questioning my move. It sounded to me he had a few too many drinks.

“So, yeah, girl, when are we meeting up?”

“You tell me, you’re the one who contacted me.” (And I’m not into it as we speak.)

“Let’s do a drink or something.”

(More than what you probably have had?) “Sounds fine with me, but now if you want to see me, you have to come this way.”

“Girl, damn, shoot, whoa, you’re making it difficult for me.”

(Why does he have to use so much wording?) “That’s how it goes. Why don’t you come over and then figure out what to do next?” (Like getting yourself together.)

“Yeah, chica, hey, great, what’s your address?”

Maybe this is not such a good idea. Letting him into my space is a risk, but if he gets annoying, out you go!

Yeah, dude, well, this girl rules!

After the Ivan incident, I decided to take a very long break from online dating. I know he was the first and only date, but the experience left me even more frustrated about love.

It had such an effect on me that I just ‘retreated’ from going out all together. My outings became very limited to just meeting up with Dina and her friends for drinks or dinner.

The rest of the time I stayed home and watched a movie or TV, or simply hanged out by myself. My free time during the weekend was devoted to running errands or just sleeping as much as I could. Talking about getting a lot of ‘beauty sleep.’

But, again, after a while, the lack of social interaction started to make me feel lonely again. Weekends became very long and my space felt very big.

So what’s the next big thing for me? Give online dating another shot? Hmm, I’ve tried everything I could think about. Are there any more choices for me? Not more that I knew of.

All right, this is what I’ll do. I’ll glance over the pictures at the dating website and if one (yes, one) really gets my attention, I will contact that person.

And if anything evolves eventually, like meeting in person, etc., I will do so first as a friend and let things happen very slowly. What I’m trying to say is that, if all else fails, if at least I gain a new friend, I will be fine with that.

Wait! Being friends with a guy I just date? Well, that’s something worth giving it a try.

It’s the end of a workday on a Monday, and I am wishing it were a Friday. I’ve worked so much in a single day I feel I’ve completed work for five. I need a drink, badly.

Dina is out of town, so I contacted Madelyn instead. She felt the same way, so we decided to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Our first order of the night was a Margarita and a beer, followed by dinner.

As the night progressed, I see a man come in and sit at the opposite side of where we are. I stared at him from time to time, and I could see that he’s also looking back at me.

This man had dark hair, blue eyes, and he seemed to be in a more appropriate age range for me. From what I could observe, he was definitely not in the ‘under 30’ category.

When Madelyn and I had pretty much finished our meals, the waitress came to our table and brought us another beer and Margarita. “The man at the other table sent you these,” she said. We both looked at him and smiling, raised our glasses to thank him.

When the man finished his meal, he came to our table and asked us if he could join us. We gladly complied. He introduced himself as Fernando.

During our conversation he disclosed that he’s from Spain, divorced with kids, in his 40’s, and that he has never done something like buying a drink to women he doesn’t even know. We both confessed that neither had we, but that his action was very flattering to us.

I was in Spain once when I was about seven years old. I almost returned there for my honeymoon, which I regret very much not doing so. This is a country I would really like to visit again sometime in the future.

I thought to myself how nice this guy was and how much I would like to get to know him more. But, wait, what if he was actually interested in Madelyn?

We are all pretty much done for the night when Fernando excused himself from the table before getting the check.

“Wow, sweetie, you made quite an impression on that guy,” expressed Madelyn.

“How can you be so sure? Maybe he’s interested in you, or maybe both?” I replied.

“No, it’s you. I noticed how both of you were looking at each other. Besides, I’m not interested in any relationships at this time, you know that,” concluded Madelyn.

When Fernando returned, we all started wrapping up for the night. I then got nervous; I wanted to contact this guy again, but after my last encounters with ‘those two guys (Erik and Ross),’ I was really at a standstill of what to do here.

Fernando paid his bill, thanks us for the nice time he shared with us, and left. He didn’t ask for a phone number from neither of us nor we provided ours. I watched him leave and I regretted it badly.

Madelyn saw how upset I was with myself. “I could tell you would have liked to see him again. So why didn’t you say something?” she asked.

I didn’t answer her but I did to myself, ‘because I’m scared of finding myself in another disappointing situation where I end up getting hurt yet again.’

The location had a laid back atmosphere. The building looked like a warehouse and it had a pool table in one corner, the bar in the middle, and the stage on the other side. The music had already started when we arrived, and the dance space was packed.

There were no open spots in the bar, so we sat in some couches next to the pool table. I’m watching people dance when, out of nowhere, this nice looking guy asked me to dance.

“What’s your name?” I asked him.

“Oh, like the ‘Friends’ character,” I said.

He gave me this look that he gets that line all the time. He also had dark hair and blue eyes like the actor who played the role.

“Where are you from?” I then asked.
“Boston and I’m Irish,” said he.

OMG, Boston! All of a sudden this rush of emotions overwhelmed me. My last college roommate is from there. I knew a stack of people in school who were from Massachusetts. My grandfather, brother and an ex-boyfriend attended school there. My sister-in-law is Irish-American. I have a lot of connections with this city that I had forgotten about.

I kept looking at this guy and felt traveling back in time to my college years in Connecticut, and that I was dancing in one of those bars I used to hang out with my friends.

“Have you been back?” Ross asked me.
I landed back in ‘the city.’ “To where?”
“Boston,” answered Ross.
“No, but I’ve been wanting to for some time.”
“Then maybe you should,” he concluded.

Yeah, maybe I should. I’ve had this wish for many years now to meet up with my ex-roommate and make a trip to visit our alma mater.

I’ve also wanted to see my former college advisor.

Ross and I kept dancing until the band ended playing at 1am. We sat in the couch I originally was when he asked me to dance and we kept talking until around 3am when Madelyn asked me to go home. I could have stayed with him many more hours if had been given the opportunity.

This time, when asked for my phone number, I gladly complied in giving it, but I also asked for his. Ross gave me a look of being surprised at my request.

I left the lounge feeling good with myself and really happy to have met him. He revived a wish that I had dormant in the back of my mind which made me realize the time has come to make it happen.

Ross said he would call me tomorrow to go to the movies or something.

Hopefully he’ll hold his word on it.

My other girlfriend, Madelyn, called me early on a Friday morning. “I want to go out tonight, and since you read the ‘Weekend’ section top to bottom, get a scoop of what’s happening tonight and call me back.”

Madelyn is what I call ‘the third part of the equation.’ Dina, her and me worked together three years ago in an ad agency, and we all remained in contact throughout the years after I left the company.

We started hanging out more after my break-up. We basically became the female Latin version of the Rat Pack.

I’m reading the section, looking up for things that stand out of the ordinary besides dinner and a movie. I try the ‘Live Music’ column. There’s this entry for a Latin band playing ‘salsa’ music at a bar starting at 11pm. It also reads ‘Free.’

I called Madelyn back. “Got it.”

I found Dina and Melanie and they’re talking to two guys. They asked me about Edward and I told them he had gone home. The three of us decided to wait some more before finally leaving.

We finally decided to leave some time later, and as we started to walk out the venue, I noticed that the guys Dina and Melanie were talking to are accompanying them.

Well, this definitely sucks!

We all approached Melanie’s car, and before we aboard it, she wonders if we can all fit in it. “Hey, the more the merrier,” I said. I sat next to the door and looked out the window; I’m the only one here with no guy next to me and I feel like an idiot.

When I got back to my apartment, I sat down on the rug at the entrance of my room. I’m still wearing my costume.

It’s past 1am and I’m in desperate need to talk to somebody, but it’s too late to do so. All I was able to do was stare at the ceiling and cry. I was so miserable.

I’m mad at Edward, my life and everything else in between. I don’t remember for how long I sat there.

Some time later I changed my clothes and watched some TV before going to bed. I needed to figure out what to make of this night.

I couldn’t pay much attention to what I was watching, but at around 2am I finally concluded what’s going on with me: I’m not ready yet to get close with anybody or for a relationship. As hard as it sounded to tell myself this, I had to accept that this is my reality.

So what am I supposed to do now? For starters, I need to keep going out and enjoying myself, but without stressing over if I meet a guy or not. Maybe if I just let go of this issue I might actually end up meeting someone. All right, I’ll give it a try.

And what about Edward? I’ll take care of that tomorrow. It has been too much of a freaky night, and early morning, for me already.

et cetera