The New M.E. Generation











I would be lying to you, and myself, if I told you I stopped finding out the whereabouts of this guy through social media. Although I wasn’t ‘following’ him, I still had access to go into his profile and check out what was happening. And if I wanted more details on anything, my bestie was the one to go to for the whole scoop.

You may ask why I do this, considering all that has happened. Sometimes, as much as it may continue to hurt or upset you, you just have to know.

In my case, I try to look at things and find a humorous side (there’s one if you try hard enough, trust me), to remind myself that not having this guy in my life is the best, even if you don’t know all the reasons why just yet.

Take for example the time this guy and the bitch took a trip to NYC. The posts started way before they entered the city by car, including taking photos of idiotic things such as exit signs and writing even more moronic captions (“we’re about to get there” or “here we come”).

It got even worse when they took one of those ferry boats that people use to commute from one side of Manhattan to the other. This guy posted, “honey, here’s our ‘cruise'”. WTF? What do you mean with the quotation marks? Close but no cigar? That you don’t have money for the real thing, so you had to settle for ‘la lancha de Cataño’?

I was laughing so much, I took a screen shot of it and send it to my BFF. It was one of those moments that you can’t control your laughter and almost cry as well. She and I exchanged every humorous emoticon we had and kept making fun of it like little girls in school sharing gossip.

I then saw that they went to see a baseball game and were posting more photos of them pretending to be the happiest couple in the world. His captions read, ‘thank you to the baseball team at (the last state he lived, where he used to take part in their softball team) for the tickets.’

“Those tickets weren’t free,” said my bestie. “He keeps boasting about things other people give him, but there’s always some cost involved. He just wants to come across as having all these friends that supposedly love and care for him, when in reality many of them have turned against him by his own fault.”

“So the airline tickets are the same thing?” asked I.

“Of course! How it goes is that his ‘bro’ is allowed an amount of airline flight vouchers for friends and family. When someone wants to use one, the friend has to submit the request to his employer and the price as an employee is charged to him. Then the person who’s using the ticket reimburses you. That’s why you have to fly on standby,” continued she.

“I don’t remember him telling me that he had to pay. No wonder he spoke so highly of his ‘bro’ so much,” said I.

“I feel sorry for that ‘bro’ of his. He’s a good person, but unfortunately controlled and manipulated by this other guy. He’s using the ‘bro’ to get what he needs for himself and that bitch, but I’m sure he owes him a lot for those tickets. And I wouldn’t be surprised either that the ‘bro’ has lent him money as well,” continued she.

“You’re right; I never thought about that. I always wondered how he managed to pay for them when he has been without a job. Can’t believe how foolish I am,” said I.

“That’s the thing; the ‘bro’ puts up with him and helps him because, unfortunately, he doesn’t have that many friends, a wife or family to account for. This guy should count his blessings, ’cause you never know when his ‘bro’ turns around and demands payment,” said she.

“I remember the story that this guy would tell his ‘bro’ that he needed to change his work schedule from working nights and getting 3 days off, to something normal like most people do, if he wants to meet someone. Well, that’s what he said,” continued I.

“I think that situation is true; the ‘bro’ has no reasons for fabricating stories. He’s a good person, but someone who doesn’t see farther from what’s there in front of him,” said she.

“I wouldn’t feel good about myself owing money to you and his ‘bro’. Wow, he has really managed to get what he wants, either emotionally, financially, or whatever else, to later act like he doesn’t owe people anything,” said I.

“Yep; worst part is he always said that the bitch ‘le debe dinero a las mil vírgenes’ (she owes money to all the thousands of saints). But, like him, is trying to make everyone believe that their relationship is so great. Bah!

Just look at him up close; he’s fat, looks old and bloated. The clothes, I’ve seen him wearing them and he keeps using them over and over. She, please, looking cheap as always, plus overweight.

When I was with him, he didn’t have much money, but his clothes always looked impecable. He also watched his weight and exercised. He looked real nice. When you make a comparison, he’s not even a shadow of what I used to know,” said she.

True that. It thought I would get sad, but instead laughed slightly and looked up. Yes, people change and not always for the best. And put themselves in situations that makes others laugh at you and not with you.

It’s like when you play baseball. You stand at home plate and decide whether to take a swing at the ball or not. Maybe you hit it the right way and sometimes you hit people in the wrong place. You may argue that you’re having bad luck in the game of life, but in the long run, people will ultimately realize that you’re bluffing and just want to ‘steal the bases’ for your own good.

 

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After my then friend finally arrived to the Pacific a few days later, I received a call in the middle of the day I believe while at work.

“Hey, I got here safe and sound,” said he.

“Glad to hear. I saw your posts while on the plane” (which I stopped reading at one point because the ‘altitude’ was making me sick).

“Let me give you my phone number. Remember the time difference and that it is a landline, which will make it difficult for us to communicate, but we’ll try whenever possible. If not, emails it is.” He gave me the full info of what I needed to dial since the number wasn’t showing on my mobile.

He may had been tired from the flight, but wasted no time in starting to work as, ‘it cost me about a thousand dollars to get here and need to recuperate’.

Well, hey, had you putted all those endless hours at church into job hunting when you should have, you would be enjoying another type of beach.

He already settled into the room, got the bicycle, etc. It all sounded to me like he was very isolated, but I didn’t thought about that then. He was there because of his own doing.

I think I waited until the weekend to give him a call. I tried calling him and couldn’t connect. Tried several times with no luck and even called my mobile carrier to make sure I was dialing correctly.

I sent him an email telling him about this, and this a-hole in progress responded saying that there was no problem with the number, that I was the one doing something wrong.

He was getting so unbearable again he couldn’t even consider that maybe he gave me the number incorrectly or there was a problem with the phone line.

It was obvious from his reply that he really didn’t want to be there in spite of all the ‘mental jerking off’ he did to convince himself that this was a good thing.

He was using me again to vent off and I still put up with it, even when there was a year contract to go through and anything could happen to him during and after this period. He said he wanted to fly back at least once to see his mom, but that to me sounded like a long stretch.

I kept saying to him via email that his number wasn’t working and he kept insisting he did give me the right one, that I was the one dialing wrong. He kept posting on his social media though, but with the praying hands emoticon always, with the same repetitive messages that ‘all is great with the Lord on my side’.

Question is, as time progresses, what else will you talk about? Probably about the bicycle or how blue the ocean water is.

I wasn’t exactly missing him, but more feeling some envy. It was an extreme change, which is what I was longing for in my life and still do; something I could look back at that made me feel all I’ve gone through these single years have been worth it.

What I couldn’t understand was why wasn’t it happening. I’m a good person and have tried to do everything right, so why nothing extraordinary comes my way? Why does it always happen to others? Will there ever be something more for me? Why does this guy ‘get to have all the fun’?



It felt like forever getting to our destination, but it was worth it. It was nice to see my friend’s mom since forever and she was equally happy to see us both.

It definitely had been a long day and as it progressed, I was the one feeling about to crash and he was still wired like the battery character ‘going on and on and on’. What else do you expect after all that sleep that he got?

The next day I rested as much as I could because we were to travel to 3 different locations. We first visited an old couple friend of them. I don’t mind doing it, but felt my friend’s comment of ‘I don’t know when will I see them alive again’ felt a total exaggeration. Don’t get me wrong, but his mom and couple looked pretty good to me, as in that they are going to live calmly and well for many more years.

The other comment that bothered me was that, according to my friend, the children of his mom and couple lied to them. In the mom’s case, when the sister was getting divorced and found herself alone, she pressured her mom to help her, so the mom abruptly sold her house back home and bought the current one living. Turns out later that the daughter wasn’t helping or supporting the mom in any way.

Eventually the mom realized who her daughter really was, a situation my friend had warned the mom for years. On one occasion when my friend was visiting, and because of the hostility between them, the mom suggested she spent the nights somewhere else to avoid a confrontation between siblings. The daughter said that she wouldn’t and when the mom told her he would be staying at the house no matter what, she packed her stuff and moved out.

From what I remembered of their relationship, the hatred was so bad that if the two were together in the same place, chances were that they would get so physical it would require calling the police and a visit to the hospital as to how bad it would turn out.

And according to him, the children of the couple also managed for them to sell the house back home and get an apartment at a senior living facility, don’t know why, but eventually distanced themselves from the parents, leaving the couple very unhappy and confused.

My friend would speak with an angry tone of this and many other situations, as if those who did the bad were ‘on the side of the devil’ and he was the good one.

His other famous expressions about anything that he felt he was right about or turned out just as he predicted were “what did I tell you?? That didn’t happen by chance!!” or “this I know about; that’s why I go to sleep early”.

In spite of all this, I still believed in my friend and in the goodness he had within him and for me, in spite that he was starting to come across as arrogant and hard to deal with, and was still swallowing all the toxicity of his past relationship.

But, I stayed away from analyzing anything too much as I’ve always done with him. After all, it was my pre-birthday weekend and wanted to make of every moment a positive one. And I was with him, my best friend, the one who has gifted me so much. What else could I ask for? What could possibly go wrong?



{February 9, 2015}   Looking Back 39 – What the…

Don’t know what’s happening lately. But it’s been more than 5 years since I became single again, which means I’ve worked very hard to get over my ‘past life’ and ‘X’, and bring the new me into the world.

Those people close to me have told me how much I have evolved for the better, that I look good, and present myself as being at peace with myself, and managing well my current work and personal situations.

Given all that, why am I now having dreams with people I know will never, ever, become anything else than what they are now, like ‘the beach guy’?

One night I had this dream where he and I were together out on the town somewhere. I have these quick images of standing in front of a tree he had decorated with these pretty lights for me.

I did comment how pretyy his action had been and I was happy. There was other surprises he pulled off which made me feel very flattered and special.

Then we were inside a nice car (probably his) and then, he proposed!

But, no ring! I was even happier and probably said ‘yes’ because we both kissed. But it was a simple one like in the movies, nothing that would be too overdone.

When I woke up in the morning, it was a heavy mix of emotions. Don’t get me wrong; I do want to get married again, but with him??

And as romantic as any woman can be, of course I would like the proposal to be as beautiful as can be, even more so than the first time.

I started overanalyzing the dream and realized I should be laughing about it, even feeling good about it.

I’m over this guy and shouldn’t give up my real dream of finding true love. Got to think in the positive, always.

Hmm, wonder what he has to say about it.

‘OMG had a dream last night with you that we got engaged. I woke up with a feeling of WTF. My hormones are probably out of whack,’ text I.

‘LOL,’ replied he. ‘Sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever marry again.’

‘I’m not interested in marrying you to start with. But it was interesting the way you did the whole thing.’

‘Ahh. When I do something I usually do it right, whether it be a good or bad thing.’

‘I do want to get married again someday. So I guess I was just visualizing how it would happen. Why your face was in my dream is a mystery. Probably it was as you’re saying; you’re the only guy I know who would do it in a way that would be memorable. But, no ring!’

‘No ring? That’s strange.’

‘Yes, but overall was a colorful dream and there was even a kiss.’

‘That’s good. You really are a good person and attractive.’

‘So humbling of you to think that way of me after all these years considering I can be complicated at times.’

‘You’re not complicated, just looking for love and companionship. That’s what everyone wants.’

‘I guess, although some people don’t want to have a commitment, just party and have fun.’

‘Correct.’

Well, how about that? I wasn’t expecting him to say that about me. It actually made me feel very good.

I will say it was sort of a dream of mine to clear out all that happened between us to get some peace of mind, and I think that has been manifested in a nice subconscious way.

But the proposal part? Spare me! I propose to leave the situation as it is, give it a kiss of approval and keep dreaming on.



I turned my chair to face the wall, so no one could see my tears flowing down my eyes. It was one of those moments when not even waterproof make-up could conceal the emotions that were pouring out.

It started getting so bad, I grabbed my shawl and wrapped it all the way to my nose. More than for warmth, the item became my mask and handkerchief.

“This year has been so difficult,” said I. “I’m still with no guy. Every one that I meet isn’t worth anything. This month would have been my 20-year anniversary.

I know the grass is never greener on the other side. But there are times when I just feel that my life sucks and won’t change for the better.

I’m grateful that I have many blessings. But I’m not asking for much. I’m a good person and don’t understand why I’m still single.

All I want is to settle down, have a family, and live a tranquil existence. Why can’t I just get that?”

“You will find someone,” said he. “You have to be patient.”

“How many times you’ve told me that and still nothing? At least you’re always with someone, for better or for worse.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m happy. And, no, right now I’m not with someone. I want to take a break.”

“You always say that too. When I turn around you’re back in being in a relationship.”

“I know; I’m a disaster. But I really want to be alone for a while. When Thanksgiving comes, I’m getting a bottle of champagne and drink it all alone at my place. Not interested in going to any parties or anything.”

“You don’t have to be so extreme. You can celebrate the holiday very low key with people that really care about you.”

“I’m not in the mood to be with anyone. How about you?”

“I’ll be with family. I mean, it’s good, but won’t help much that I’m so sad, angry, frustrated at so many things. I need an extraordinary experience to happen to me that will give me a new perspective and change everything that I am.”

“Things will get better for you.”

“When? I’m tired of waiting. I want it to happen already.”

Ivan and I talked for a few more minutes. It was a brief conversation as usual, but it was the first one that after talking to him I felt some relief.

After hanging up, I turned to face the computer again and luckily nobody saw or heard me while talking.

I quickly ran out into the bathroom to hide and chill out for a few minutes.

I could barely look at myself on the mirror. But turns out using the shawl as handkerchief saved some of my make-up, so I was able to fix it good enough that people wouldn’t notice my tears.

Once back at my desk, I realized I didn’t thank Ivan for listening, or that to remember he had (sort of) promised to meet me one day for drinks.

So, call him again? I’ll drink to that.



It’s been a while since I last spoke with Ivan, so I decided to give him a call.

I know it’s basically a waste of time with him. He’s another one of those whom I call and never answers it, no matter what time I do.

Most of the time he eventually calls back, but when he does, he’s either in a relationship or out of it, swearing to me he doesn’t want to be with anyone, period.

He always says he will call me to have a drink, just as friends, which he has been telling me since forever.
Reality is he stays single for a while, but when he starts feeling alone, he gets involved with someone, even when knowing he’s not ready for it.

Then the relationship gets really complicated, like cheating, nasty break-ups, reconciliations, more break-ups, and so on until it finally ends worst than the sinking of the Titanic.

Yep, he’s one of those people that are attracted to melodrama and disfunctionality. Hey, I may have been full of that at another time in my life, but if we had gotten involved romantically, I’m sure it would have progressed in a more civilized manner.

The other sad part about him is that I’ve offered my friendship to him repeatedly, but he doesn’t take it.

He’s the type of person that surrounds itself with bad vibe that doesn’t allow him to get beyond that negative funk he’s stuck at. It’s like he actually enjoys being in that mode.

Again, my life is not any better than many, but it sure is way more than his, that is, emotionally. And I bet you I’m one of the few, maybe the only, who is willing to be a true companion to him with no expectations.

Even sadder, I think he’s genuinely a good person and deserves better. But this is how he’s handling his romances when he knows damn well they’re a disaster and needs to correct this behavior.

I won’t deny feeling sorry for him, but when I compare his relationships to my current state of affairs (or lack of thereof), I actually feel good about myself.

I do get frustrated for not having a relationship all these past years and that most guys met have been almost not worth my efforts, but I’ve certainly evolved (a lot!), and feel closer every day of reaching that much needed maturity that will allow me to have a successful relationship.

It has been a crazy ride, but the final destination doesn’t feel that distant away any longer.



et cetera