The New M.E. Generation











{September 11, 2017}   Looking Back 62 – A different view

The next day (Sunday), I crossed my fingers that the meeting would finally occur. This guy told me he would find out early what the plans would be. Having none meant there could be a chance of taking advantage of the SUV and see me.

Him: “I think this might turn into a beach day. But if I visit you would only be for a few hours. I should be there around 1pm.”

Fast-forward a few hours later. I get the call from security that he was here, while getting his text at the same time that read: ‘the guy is giving us a hard time. LOL.’ I thought to myself, ‘for what?’

I stood at my second floor balcony to see what the fuzz was all about.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!! He came in the limo!!! WTF?

I exited my apartment and stood in the hallway veranda in shock at the whole thing. It almost felt like the last scene in the Pretty Woman movie (romantic background music please).

Me: “Hey, what happened to the SUV??” (and, am I getting a ride in it?).

Except I don’t live on the last floor. And this guy showed up with no gifts to account for (music off). And he’s wearing his usual beach casual attire of a t-shirt, bermudas, and open shoes (why am I surprised?). And he’s sporting a mega belly (what happened to the spectacular body??).

He’s fat, partially bald, and definitely looks old, considering he’s only like 2 years older than me. Talking about seeing things in another light.

I greeted him warmly with a hug as he came up the stairs. I gave him a tour of my apartment again, showed him my yearbook, Cuba trip souvenirs, TBT photos (including one from college that a guy studying photography took of me; he liked it so much, he took an image with his phone).

Went to lunch afterwards (in my new vehicle). Curious note to add: when we stepped off the vehicle and walked to the restaurant, he got behind me and placed his hands on my waist. It was an affectionate gesture I don’t recall he ever doing before.

While there he shared some thoughts about medicine, like when he started working and taking the approach of treating symptoms first, then dealing with the person.

Him: “I hate listening to people whining about their pains” (I gave him a look of ‘that doesn’t make sense’). “I know; I do it on reverse.”

Regarding how he became a personal doctor, he was referred to a musician or something. Off he went with his medical bag and after dealing with the patient, the person asked him if he had a business card. He did, started circulating them with every referral he got, and eventually became the physician for other known artists, so much that he’s now referred to as ‘the rock doc’. But not everything is music to one’s ears.

Him: “The downsize of it is that, at times, like with my cardio patient, you have to be with them when they travel and I can’t say no. This weekend my daughter came home from college and I was supposed to be with her. Through my connections, I had managed to get really good seats for a concert of a famous country singer, plus access backstage, etc. I worked on this for weeks.

But turns out that the guy recently had open-heart surgery and wanted me to accompany him in case of anything. He knew about the concert and else, and still didn’t let me get off the hook. So my daughter had to go without me and I didn’t get to see her.

It’s great to travel everywhere (been as far as Australia), staying at the best hotels, making good money. But it takes a toll on you.”

I looked at him and saw a person that was tired and appeared way older than his years. I barely found traces of that guy I used to know, other than his blue-green eyes that still mesmerize me.

Even more, he looked defeated. I then understood why he says my quiet times and peacefulness at home are good things.

It was quite a change from the first time I saw him after so long, when he showed up in a fancy car and gave me an overconfident attitude that was borderline arrogant. Which is what later caused those heavy arguments between us and non-communication for at least 2 years.

Him: “I wouldn’t mind retiring early and living in a boat. I used to look at successful people who’ve done that and thought they were nuts. But now I totally get it. My plan is to keep working until my kids finish college and become independent.”

Wow, so true that the grass is never greener on the other side. No surprise he’ll end up in a place that has to do with the beach in this life, afterlife, and the next one.

Beach, please!

 

Advertisements


After my then friend finally arrived to the Pacific a few days later, I received a call in the middle of the day I believe while at work.

“Hey, I got here safe and sound,” said he.

“Glad to hear. I saw your posts while on the plane” (which I stopped reading at one point because the ‘altitude’ was making me sick).

“Let me give you my phone number. Remember the time difference and that it is a landline, which will make it difficult for us to communicate, but we’ll try whenever possible. If not, emails it is.” He gave me the full info of what I needed to dial since the number wasn’t showing on my mobile.

He may had been tired from the flight, but wasted no time in starting to work as, ‘it cost me about a thousand dollars to get here and need to recuperate’.

Well, hey, had you putted all those endless hours at church into job hunting when you should have, you would be enjoying another type of beach.

He already settled into the room, got the bicycle, etc. It all sounded to me like he was very isolated, but I didn’t thought about that then. He was there because of his own doing.

I think I waited until the weekend to give him a call. I tried calling him and couldn’t connect. Tried several times with no luck and even called my mobile carrier to make sure I was dialing correctly.

I sent him an email telling him about this, and this a-hole in progress responded saying that there was no problem with the number, that I was the one doing something wrong.

He was getting so unbearable again he couldn’t even consider that maybe he gave me the number incorrectly or there was a problem with the phone line.

It was obvious from his reply that he really didn’t want to be there in spite of all the ‘mental jerking off’ he did to convince himself that this was a good thing.

He was using me again to vent off and I still put up with it, even when there was a year contract to go through and anything could happen to him during and after this period. He said he wanted to fly back at least once to see his mom, but that to me sounded like a long stretch.

I kept saying to him via email that his number wasn’t working and he kept insisting he did give me the right one, that I was the one dialing wrong. He kept posting on his social media though, but with the praying hands emoticon always, with the same repetitive messages that ‘all is great with the Lord on my side’.

Question is, as time progresses, what else will you talk about? Probably about the bicycle or how blue the ocean water is.

I wasn’t exactly missing him, but more feeling some envy. It was an extreme change, which is what I was longing for in my life and still do; something I could look back at that made me feel all I’ve gone through these single years have been worth it.

What I couldn’t understand was why wasn’t it happening. I’m a good person and have tried to do everything right, so why nothing extraordinary comes my way? Why does it always happen to others? Will there ever be something more for me? Why does this guy ‘get to have all the fun’?



All right, I have written more than what I should have, but it just happened that all these thoughts came to mind and I just needed to write them down.

It was a feeling of having a mental clutter that finally got cleaned out. I know it was more of an emotional thing, but truly both went together. It was an organized chaos that has been building up these past few years that had to be released.

It’s almost like those moments when people release those small hot air balloons when they finally let go and set themselves free.

I think he replied to me about 2 days later in the same fashion as he has done for some time: He uses his cell phone, writes late in the evening (probably so not to be seen), with some sentences that have a few typos for being written fast.

“Hey, I didn’t mean that our friendship would be over, just that I would stay for a while so things can level out for me. My intentions are to be your friend and to stay that way. I care about you and am always wishing good things for you,” said he.

“Like I said to you,” replied I, “if I don’t make the effort here, nothing will happen. So after this message is sent and I don’t hear from you, I will consider it as the end of anything and everything. You’re welcome to write to me, but not expecting it. I’m not really into this ‘I want you, but don’t want you’ deal. Either you do or you don’t. I don’t hate you and have no regrets, but this is as far as I will go. Like you’re doing I should do as well, move on.”

As I was writing these last words, I was torn between anger and sadness. Anger because I’ve kept holding on to guys, distancing me from them promising myself not to contact them, let some time pass by, start missing them, then deciding to reach out to them for whatever reason, to finally find myself rejected and disappointed over and over.

Sadness because he becomes another guy in my life whose come and gone, never to be heard for some time, if ever. I feel heartbroken mostly because what I felt for him was unique from all others and you never know if you’ll be able to shake it all off.

Then there’s the part of the “ifs”, especially if we had ended up together. I know the answer to this, but every so often I just have to remind myself, no, it wasn’t meant to happen. Why was that it’s beyond anyone’s control. Still, sometimes I just wished a try were given.

Since my last email I haven’t heard from him. For the first time I haven’t felt guilty of what I’ve said, nor contacted him to give it another try of making things better (for me).

I’m quite at peace at the whole experience and maybe now I can leave it behind me.

What if he reaches out to me? I will hear what he has to say and then I will say what I need to say. Then I will probably keep doing what I’m doing as if nothing has happened.

I will probably get sad, maybe cry, and will want for some feelings to come back, but, no, I have to move ahead.

I will wish him the best now and later, and in the quietness of my life I will secretly thank him for coming back to my life because without him, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.



I’ve been doing something for some time that I shouldn’t be, and it has been reaching out to this former college love interest when I know well I shouldn’t be.

Every so often I send him an email, especially when I’m sad, have a guy issue, or just simply want to have someone to listen to me on whatever matter is causing me to feel upset towards life in general.

The real sad part about this is that if he replies, he usually does it from his phone, using incorrect grammar because he’s obviously writing in a rush.

He always apologizes for doing it quickly because there’s always something going on in his life (meaning his family) and time is limited.

The end part of the message always has the same tone; he repeats that he’s my friend and hopes we continue to be, wishes me good things, and that all works out for me.

The last entry means that I find a guy that appreciates who I am and that finally stays with me for the long haul.

This may all sound great, but it hasn’t fulfilled the emotional need that still clings me to him. As much as I was trying to forget him all together, something always reminds me of him, especially when I hear his first name.

It is so ridiculous, I raise my head up looking for him as if he was to magically appear.

The other thing I do is check my emails constantly after I send him one, waiting for his reply. I can read it loud and clear, but don’t want to read between the lines.

It translates that he’s doing it because he feels sorry for me. He always wishes me well and that I find the guy deserving for me because he tries to make me feel better towards the lousy situation I’m going through.

It’s like getting a second place prize. I know what his situation is, but I get disappointed that he doesn’t respond that way I want to. I want him to tell that somewhere within him he still feels something for me.

I’m behaving like a juvenile, hoping the universe will play its part to turn things around the way I wished for.

What’s wrong with me? After all these years and what I’ve gone through, I should have learned my lesson already.

Yes, we may still communicate via email, he re-opened his profile on social media and I became his friend again.

But his wife and daughter are seeing what I post (again, why am I doing it when I know it?) and I’m exposed to all other people within their list.

I may be single and available to do whatever I want, but I’m stretching it so far that I’m making a fool of myself.

Actually, I’m probably pushing to be considered something unpleasant, like a bitch and idiot who has no clue that my behavior is totally unacceptable.

Definitely not a nice picture to put yourself into.



“I appreciate that you were not of those guys who took advantage of me. You never lead me to do anything I wasn’t prepared for considering how young I was,” said I. “You’re right, I shouldn’t be surprised about the good things you’ve said about me. I’ve been reconnecting with other people from high school and college, and all pretty much has expressed the same. It’s unfortunate that the person I gave my heart to never saw it.

So, yes, that’s what I’m frustrated about. My life has not turned out how I wanted it be since being single, but what can you do about it?

Thanks for writing back and being concerned about me. Remembering the past has been good medicine.”

“I am glad to hear that I’ve managed to make you feel better. And, please, stop with the ‘I ignored you’ thing. That’s a bit of a strong statement,” said he. “I’m sorry that the relationship didn’t work out the way you wanted it to be, but there’s a master plan and I guess it was not meant to be.”

A master plan? I thought I had that one figured out. Now I don’t even know what I’m doing next.

“Master plan? Seriously? You guys are too complicated to figure out,” continued I. “It’s simple; you either want to be with me or not. And just be straightforward and say what you mean.”

“You think we’re complicated? Hmmm.”

Ah, yeah. And now that I’m thinking about it, you were too. If you hadn’t been I wouldn’t be spilling out all that I’m saying here. Heck, most probably we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Like I’ve said before, life just keeps repeating to me.

Wait! Is this the master plan he’s talking about?

Am I supposed to deal with things over and over until I get it right, and then my life will finally fall into place?

Hmmm, maybe that’s what it is.



I may have had bad luck with guys, but I’ve learned to appreciate the good things that happen to my male friends.

Maybe it is because I can see that one day I can have what enriches their life, including hopefully finding a new love for me. But how can that happen if I don’t even score a date? I haven’t had one in such a long time, I don’t even know what that is any more. Whatever, I’m not going to get annoyed by this. I’ll just throw it into the universe and see what happens, if that.

I completely forgot my need for a date when something totally new to me happened. One day I made a comment to one of my male friends posts, and, on the next day, another guy posted a comment that was directed more to me than at my friend.

‘Damn dude,’ said this other guy, ‘I didn’t know you had such a pretty friend. She and I should go out together.’

Thank you, whomever you are, for making that remark for the whole network of people to know about. Besides, that photo of yours doesn’t show much of you, so not very impressed here.

I mean, who is this guy anyway?



et cetera