The New M.E. Generation











I did not get a reply with a picture as I hoped for. Instead, I had a dream. In it, I saw him, his spouse and child. I don’t recall that I was involved in the dynamics of what they were doing.

I was sitting on the side, looking at all this as if I was watching a movie on a small screen. They were so happy and I was smiling, but it wasn’t one of a complete glee.

I was envious of them. I was feeling it again, wanting that, all that and more that makes him happy.

When I woke up I was confused. Why was I sitting on the side and not part of the group? Why did my mind bring this up again? I know he’s settled and content with the life he has. So why did I had to ‘see it’ for myself in a dream to reassure myself?

Now the feelings I thought I was able to start putting to rest sort of came back. I was feeling sad of all lost or perhaps what I never got to have when I was married.

Probably I just needed to ‘picture it’ and learn that, yes, I will fulfill my dream of settling again, having a house and family, and be happy.

I needed to see it through others so I know it is possible. And it will if I set ‘my mind’ and soul into it, because if I visualize, it will happen.

Now that’s something worth dreaming about.

 

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This guy is something else! He replied to my email once again and shared some surprising stuff with me. “I’m not mad at you or anything. To be honest, I couldn’t believe you were seeing me. I was out of your league.”

Out of my league? What’s that supposed to mean? I replied, “What are you talking about? I was the one who wasn’t nice. Besides, if I had felt something uncomfortable about you, I wouldn’t have made friends with you. It had not nothing to do with not being at your level.”

Wait, does it mean I was a snob? And regarding him being ‘out of my league,’ was it that I was too pretty to be with him? I remember him having confidence with himself and cute. I wasn’t that extraordinary as it regards to my looks (well, according to me). What did he really meant by that?

I was still feeling sad about my experience until I opened some photos he enclosed of his child. They were literally a mini him. I was so happy for him, but sad for myself. Once again, I wondered if one day I would have it all.

But, what would that mean, having it all?

 



I did get a reply a couple of days later. When I saw it I got very happy and anxious of learning what he had written.

I was as basic as mine. He was married with a child, had his own business, and was still living in his home state. And he was happy that I remembered him.

Wow, he had everything anyone could wish for. Well, for me. I had some of that (minus the child) and thought at one time I had it all. I did, or did I? The fact now is that what I thought were the most important things in my life was all gone.

At least I felt gladness over the email. Maybe I felt some consolation that one day I could ‘have it all’ again. Now it was time to really say the reasons behind my email.

“The reason why I wanted to contact you was because I came to realize that for the longest time that I was not exactly nice to you when we were seeing each other in college. You were such a good guy and didn’t know how to deal with it and I’m sorry. I wasn’t exactly nice and I wish I could have treated you better. I am glad that you are doing well. You deserve that and so much more. Your wife is truly a lucky person to have you.”

My email wasn’t exactly that short. I had sort of an insane need to really make clear to him what has been looming over my soul that had created this pain. It was like trying to delete a double personality or something. Whatever it was, it was an episode in my life I want to put to rest.

But, why the insistence about this? I mean, it was such a brief situation in college that had such a profound impact on me. Why was I so worried about how my actions affected him back then or in the long run? For all I knew, it probably didn’t.

Whatever my reason was, I felt a huge weight had lifted from me when I finished writing. But deep down inside my pain was still there. I wish I could go back in time and make it right just in that time.

I know that I’m not that person any more. Maybe I’ve kept that emotion alive to remind myself now that when that guy I’ve been waiting for comes into my life, I won’t blow it again. Maybe then my pain will be lifted completely.



et cetera