The New M.E. Generation

I did not get a reply with a picture as I hoped for. Instead, I had a dream. In it, I saw him, his spouse and child. I don’t recall that I was involved in the dynamics of what they were doing.

I was sitting on the side, looking at all this as if I was watching a movie on a small screen. They were so happy and I was smiling, but it wasn’t one of a complete glee.

I was envious of them. I was feeling it again, wanting that, all that and more that makes him happy.

When I woke up I was confused. Why was I sitting on the side and not part of the group? Why did my mind bring this up again? I know he’s settled and content with the life he has. So why did I had to ‘see it’ for myself in a dream to reassure myself?

Now the feelings I thought I was able to start putting to rest sort of came back. I was feeling sad of all lost or perhaps what I never got to have when I was married.

Probably I just needed to ‘picture it’ and learn that, yes, I will fulfill my dream of settling again, having a house and family, and be happy.

I needed to see it through others so I know it is possible. And it will if I set ‘my mind’ and soul into it, because if I visualize, it will happen.

Now that’s something worth dreaming about.


This guy is something else! He replied to my email once again and shared some surprising stuff with me. “I’m not mad at you or anything. To be honest, I couldn’t believe you were seeing me. I was out of your league.”

Out of my league? What’s that supposed to mean? I replied, “What are you talking about? I was the one who wasn’t nice. Besides, if I had felt something uncomfortable about you, I wouldn’t have made friends with you. It had not nothing to do with not being at your level.”

Wait, does it mean I was a snob? And regarding him being ‘out of my league,’ was it that I was too pretty to be with him? I remember him having confidence with himself and cute. I wasn’t that extraordinary as it regards to my looks (well, according to me). What did he really meant by that?

I was still feeling sad about my experience until I opened some photos he enclosed of his child. They were literally a mini him. I was so happy for him, but sad for myself. Once again, I wondered if one day I would have it all.

But, what would that mean, having it all?


I did get a reply a couple of days later. When I saw it I got very happy and anxious of learning what he had written.

I was as basic as mine. He was married with a child, had his own business, and was still living in his home state. And he was happy that I remembered him.

Wow, he had everything anyone could wish for. Well, for me. I had some of that (minus the child) and thought at one time I had it all. I did, or did I? The fact now is that what I thought were the most important things in my life was all gone.

At least I felt gladness over the email. Maybe I felt some consolation that one day I could ‘have it all’ again. Now it was time to really say the reasons behind my email.

“The reason why I wanted to contact you was because I came to realize that for the longest time that I was not exactly nice to you when we were seeing each other in college. You were such a good guy and didn’t know how to deal with it and I’m sorry. I wasn’t exactly nice and I wish I could have treated you better. I am glad that you are doing well. You deserve that and so much more. Your wife is truly a lucky person to have you.”

My email wasn’t exactly that short. I had sort of an insane need to really make clear to him what has been looming over my soul that had created this pain. It was like trying to delete a double personality or something. Whatever it was, it was an episode in my life I want to put to rest.

But, why the insistence about this? I mean, it was such a brief situation in college that had such a profound impact on me. Why was I so worried about how my actions affected him back then or in the long run? For all I knew, it probably didn’t.

Whatever my reason was, I felt a huge weight had lifted from me when I finished writing. But deep down inside my pain was still there. I wish I could go back in time and make it right just in that time.

I know that I’m not that person any more. Maybe I’ve kept that emotion alive to remind myself now that when that guy I’ve been waiting for comes into my life, I won’t blow it again. Maybe then my pain will be lifted completely.

et cetera