The New M.E. Generation











After my wedding and honeymoon, I settled with my then husband at the apartment he was living at. We married late November and before the end of year, we adopted a dog and celebrated our first Christmas.

I was still doing my post-grad. I had completed the coursework, but had to write a thesis to graduate.

My ‘X’ spouse’s contract had another year to go, so I took the time to advance my writing as much as possible and adapt to married life.

It was a challenging time; I didn’t know if I would be able to finish my studies or where we would be relocated.

I had always dreamt of leaving my home, but not to a place I didn’t know if I would like it or not. But was young and thought that if we both stuck together, we could overcome anything.

Because of all happening in my life, I lost even more communication with my then friend. His night shift made it hard for me to talk to him, even more now that I was married.

Plus, I had moved to another neighborhood, so I wasn’t visiting the pharmacy much. His mom would be my news link whenever I got my hair done.

A year later, my x’s contract ended, but instead of relocating to where his employer would decide to, he chose to pursue an opportunity abroad.

I wanted a change, but this was more than I expected. It all happened within a few months. We were to take all we had, including the dog, with us.

When arranging for the flight for both dog and me (my ex had left first), I purchased the pet crate and tickets with the airline my friend worked at.

I believed I called my friend to make sure I had made the right arrangements for my dog and make sure he traveling in cargo would be fine.

On the day I was to leave, I don’t know why, either I didn’t ask him to be there or he just didn’t show up because of his schedule. Even my ‘x’ wondered if he could be there.

All I remember was that my parents were there. My mom broke down in tears before I entered the gate and my dad calmed my dog before he was taken away.

I was nervous wreck and did my best not to show it, especially my mom. I kept looking around if by any chance my friend would appear.

Had he been there, he would probably have been in total control as usual, would have looked at me and said, “You’re going to be fine. Now, go with your husband”, meaning, “You’re all grown now; my work is done here and you need to be with the person you vowed to be with”.

It was one of those moments I needed his reassurance that he had confidence in me that I could overcome this or anything that came my way. He had always given me the guidance needed and never held me back.

So, why should I be afraid? Because our lives had greatly changed. Everything changes and sometimes as much effort one may put into things, other forces take away what always brought together to never bring you back. And when that happens, there’s nothing you can do to change it.

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I don’t know how long I stayed sitting in the stairs staring down at him. At times my mind wandered away like I have so many times, thinking and overanalyzing everything in my life, without coming to conclusions to any of my concerns.

The stairs were a sort of shelter of my then emotions. It was as if I had intentionally sat in the middle in order to push myself to make a decision about my future.

You either go backwards, or up, and rethink your tactics of what to do, or ignore your issues all together and do nothing.

Or, just go down, or for it, with or without a plan.

But staying in the middle, or limbo, is the worst place to be, because you’re there in a sort of ‘comfort zone’ that doesn’t allow you to ‘move’ into anything.

And as I was into myself, my friend suddenly woke up with an abrupt ‘hey’ like when you had some sort of bad dream.

He looked at me a little confused. “How long have you been sitting there?” asked he.

“A while, I think,” said I. Surprisingly I was calm.

“I was so asleep, but something shook me.” Maybe it was my presence that did it.

I have a vague memory of how things transcended next, but I did walk down the stairs to where he was.

I believe I sat in the sofa to talk to him. But my next memory is that he took me in his arms and kissed me. I can’t recall what lead to this.

This was the first time it happened and it was totally unexpected, and one that I wasn’t at all hoping for during this trip or any time later, period.

It wasn’t bad, but knowing he had feelings for me, I guess it needed to happen, first, to get it over with, and second, finally experience his affection in a more personal way.

What transcended after is more vague. I believe we did go out that night and something happened during the outing that made me decide on allowing him to share the bed with him, as in resting only (for real!).

Perhaps the sofa became too uncomfortable. Or maybe it had to do with his roommate’s activities that were so ‘noisy’ that made more sense for him being in his own room to avoid any contact.

Now thinking back on this, it was weird. If he had feelings for me, considered me pretty, and you’re finally taking a step forward with the kiss, why not follow to the next level?

Reality was he probably applied the advice he gave to my ex-boyfriend that he would lose me if pressured me into something I wouldn’t want to do.

My friend probably realized, like me sitting in the stairs, that he had 2 choices: leave things as they were and keep the friendship. Or, take a step downward that would make me walk out the door to never return, ending our friendship for good.

“I’m not letting a friendship of so many years get affected by anything,” was something he would express to me many times throughout the years. And I believed him because he practiced what he preached.

Me, I did had a choice regarding the outcome after the kiss, to which I decided not to pursue. Besides not having the same love feelings for him that he had for me, there was something holding me back from this ‘good to be true’ scenario.

What was that made me stay in the middle of the stairs? What was that feeling of going back up and away from that guy down there that was telling me, ‘don’t do it’?

Don’t know, but I’ll try getting an answer after I sleep on it.



My friend wasn’t done for the day just yet, so he suggested me going to the cafeteria for a snack and meet again an hour later.

I was still freaking out from my last few minutes, but I was sort of hungry, so off I went.

The cafeteria wasn’t that complicated to locate. It was in an open space and everyone there was sitting at the tables studying. This was great, now I can finally ‘blend in’.

I also felt good that my friend was in this school. I was confident that he would be fine not only today, but on whatever he set out to do.

I bought myself a hot dog and soda. I went looking for a table to sit down, but they were all taken, so the only thing to do was to share one.

I glanced at all of them and chose one in a corner with a guy that was very busy in his studies. I thought this was the best option; he’ll keep his attention in his books (not on me), I’ll eat and then leave.

I walked with my tray and politely asked him, “Do you mind if I sit down here?”

The guy moved his head up without taking his eyes off his book as to reply, ‘yeah, whatever’. But when he really saw me, his head quickly went up again, the eyes opened wide, and his mouth opened in a gasp as if an apparition had just became present in front of him. He probably thought I was one of the so-called ‘dogs’.

I freaked out again. I guess that’s a ‘yes’? I sat down slowly and started eating with the best manners I could display. I didn’t want this ‘chick’ with a ‘dog’ turning into one of those school ‘dogs’.

The guy continued staring at me with the same face. I told him that I was visiting from out of state, was here for Spring Break for the first time, etc.

I kept talking on and on like any girl would do. He just kept the same way, speechless, and completely ignoring his studies.

I really took my time to eat and when I was done, I got up with my tray and said, “thank you so much; I have to go now.”

The guy’s face turned into one of sadness and muttered the only word of the day, “why??”

Now I was feeling sorry for leaving, but flattered for a second time in a little over an hour.

The guy’s facial expression was now one of, ‘please don’t go’, and I couldn’t bring myself into leaving.

And then, in the distance, by the entrance of the cafeteria, I saw my friend and said, “my friend’s here; thanks again”.

I walked to my friend, still holding the tray. “Hi,” I said to him. “I was having a bite at that table over there.” I looked back and pointed with my head as if I had done something wrong. The guy now had a face of, “damn him!” I think my friend noticed and somewhat laughed.

Looking back, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but was respecting my friend’s hospitality, even if I didn’t felt attracted to him. It never crossed my mind of making a move with that other guy.

Second, all this attention about my looks was very nice, but has also created some sort of wall in front of me. It’s pleasant to be told you’re pretty, but when I hear it too many times, it makes me wonder if the guy means it or is using this opportunity to get something else from me. In other words, thank you for your nice words, but what else have you got to say?

Call it shyness or whatever you want. All I will say is this, there was always some universal force circling that was holding me back of going any further with my friend. Back then I couldn’t understand it, but now it’s as clear as a starry night.

It would be years later when our worlds would collide to forever change us. It’s like a meteor that leaves a dent on the ground when it hits. The heat may end and the surface heals, but the hole within will always remain as that, whole.



I took Dina’s advice of not calling Christian. But after a week or so he hadn’t and I felt the need to call him. After all, I was the one who said that would ‘stay in touch.’

Hmm, I’m wondering if there was another ‘lost phone’ incident or a lost interest all- together. Well, I’ll never know if I don’t make the call.

“Hey Christian, how are you? We haven’t spoken since…that day.”

“I know. That sure was a nasty storm.”

“So what you’re up to?”

“Same old; the kids, fishing. The weather has been good on both. How about you?”

“Same as usual. My life is pretty tranquil. But, um, was calling to say ‘hi’ and know how you were.”

I almost asked him to set up another date to meet but I held back. He didn’t make the move nor he sounded interested in doing so. The conversation was one of those that you do when you just want to really speak to someone you haven’t for some time.

So, in essence, the call turned to a ‘blah’ one when I had just seen him a week before. He was not someone who represented anything in my life. I had no feelings for him and think he doesn’t see anything in me.

I felt empty after I hung up. I felt this had lead to nothing and Christian was to become another guy who briefly crossed my life.

On the other hand, I was wondering if I was coming to conclusions too fast. So, once again, I asked myself, ‘what am I going to do?’ Wait for a few days or even a week like I previously did?

Don’t know. At least I did like Dina, no emotions attached.

You know what, this feels like the storm. It came quickly, caused some mayhem for 20 minutes and then disappeared.

In other words, he appeared suddenly, his presence ‘tested the water’ of my life for a short time, and now he has ‘moved on.’

And so have I.

The weather has cleared out and it’s time to look forward to new ‘brighter’ days.



I don’t remember if I ever got to see Jeffrey again after his visit to my new place. But we would talk on the phone, on and off, of course.

A few months later, his birthday came up. From our previous conversations, I knew things were still the same as usual. His relationship had gotten worse, his business was struggling, and he couldn’t see the day that his life in general would start change for the better (or he finally had the guts to make this change).

So the only thing I could do was to call him and wish him well. “Jeff, hi, it’s me. I know it’s your birthday so I wanted to wish you good things your way, and that all gets resolved for the best. Love you man.”

A few hours later he returned my call. His voice sounded that he was touched by my message and even teary-eyed. ‘Thank you very much’ was all he could say because his voice chocked.

He was on the verge of crying but he held back. I knew he was deeply sad but didn’t tell me.

I told him again that I appreciated him, thought he was a wonderful person, and that nothing would give me more peace than him finally turning his life around and be happy. All he could answer was ‘I know’ repeatedly.

Yes, I was reaching out to him, but I could feel he was holding back to accept my love for him. I know why he did.

When one has been hurt so much and the pain takes over, you don’t allow yourself for the good to touch you because one feels that, in the long run, it will turn around to become bad and hurt you yet again.

It’s easier to build a wall that shields you because it is all one has known.

We want the good, but we’re scared of it. One thinks that if we shift our emotions to neutral, or not feeling anything, we will be fine.

But we’re not.



et cetera