The New M.E. Generation

Our friendship continued throughout high school without any setback. Our meetings occurred more due to a necessity, like me needing to get something at the pharmacy.

We both had things to do after school; I was active in school activities, tried to keep my long distance relationship going by sending my former BF letters and pictures of me, plus endless house chores that I was responsible for.

This guy worked every day at the pharmacy during the school week. Although his career goal was in another field, he learned al that he could about it and was helping his father manage it.

On occasions he would come to visit home to see my brother, but as the years progressed, we both concentrated more towards getting into college.

The ironic part was that I was an average student with good conduct and he was the opposite. He got notoriously popular for pranks he was pulling off, which got him in trouble far too long with the school administration.

I admired him for being daring, because I was insecure of coming out of my shell or doing anything that could affect my entrance to college.

One day we went to have lunch at a fast food place and he started telling me some of his stories. I couldn’t believe what he was doing; he wasn’t hurting or physically damaging anything, he was simply looking for attention as he candidly admitted.

Like me, our parents had gotten divorced and he was playing out the emotions he felt about it. What he expressed was harmless, but spoke volumes in other ways.

I kept listening to him and laughed a lot, amused by his creativity. But deep inside I envied him. In spite of having some parallels in our lives, I was keeping my emotions to myself. They were somewhat expressed through my letter writing and school clubs I was involved at. But I never had the audacity to really take a risk on anything close to his level.

He had also known what he wanted as a career from an early age. I had no idea what I was supposed to do all together. All I wanted to do was to graduate and come to college in the U.S. It was for me a secure way to run away from my current life and run into another, which future was as obscure as my present one.

And as always happened, the universe made itself present. It always had, but it has been a recent discovery of its ‘pranks’ in my existence.

While we were in the end part of our meal, and elderly man sitting at a table nearby would look at us from time to time. Of course I didn’t notice; I was feeling too sorry for myself.

When the man was almost done, he took a napkin and wrote something in it. Before leaving, he came to our table and handed it over to my friend. “Here’s something for you. Good night,” said he.

My friend and I got surprised. He read the napkin, smiled and laughed. He then handed it over to me; I don’t remember the exact words, but it had to do with my apparent beauty and how lucky this guy was of me being with him.

My reaction was a combination of puzzlement and surprise at what a total stranger had expressed about me. This would be one of many messages that literally dropped from the sky, or better yet, heaven, that would present to me when I needed it the most.

Back then I couldn’t grasp my true inner and outer essence, or that our friendship we were having, as well as the love and respect for each other, was also one of real beauty.

It’s heartbreaking sharing such a simple moment and think how we are now separated by an emotional distance that he chose to travel.

Perhaps the universe had another written message within the napkin. Maybe what my friend had told my former BF was also talking to him.

In other words, I could also slip away from him like sand between his fingers, and if I didn’t, consider yourself lucky.

I took Dina’s advice of not calling Christian. But after a week or so he hadn’t and I felt the need to call him. After all, I was the one who said that would ‘stay in touch.’

Hmm, I’m wondering if there was another ‘lost phone’ incident or a lost interest all- together. Well, I’ll never know if I don’t make the call.

“Hey Christian, how are you? We haven’t spoken since…that day.”

“I know. That sure was a nasty storm.”

“So what you’re up to?”

“Same old; the kids, fishing. The weather has been good on both. How about you?”

“Same as usual. My life is pretty tranquil. But, um, was calling to say ‘hi’ and know how you were.”

I almost asked him to set up another date to meet but I held back. He didn’t make the move nor he sounded interested in doing so. The conversation was one of those that you do when you just want to really speak to someone you haven’t for some time.

So, in essence, the call turned to a ‘blah’ one when I had just seen him a week before. He was not someone who represented anything in my life. I had no feelings for him and think he doesn’t see anything in me.

I felt empty after I hung up. I felt this had lead to nothing and Christian was to become another guy who briefly crossed my life.

On the other hand, I was wondering if I was coming to conclusions too fast. So, once again, I asked myself, ‘what am I going to do?’ Wait for a few days or even a week like I previously did?

Don’t know. At least I did like Dina, no emotions attached.

You know what, this feels like the storm. It came quickly, caused some mayhem for 20 minutes and then disappeared.

In other words, he appeared suddenly, his presence ‘tested the water’ of my life for a short time, and now he has ‘moved on.’

And so have I.

The weather has cleared out and it’s time to look forward to new ‘brighter’ days.

I took the lead once again and walked into where the other bar was located. I walked by the left side and when I was boarding the corner, yep, there he was; that guy.

He saw me and said a very inviting ‘hi’ to approach him. I smiled and walked straight to him. I introduced myself and to his friend, and did the same with the two girls with me to include them.

He said his name was Jeffrey. We were talking in English and when they asked where I was from, it turned out his friend was a fellow ‘homey.’

It was then that the ice was really broken. Everyone talked in Spanish and the encounter became very relaxed.

Somewhere along the conversation, the ‘mysteries’ began, or not disclosing things clearly. I don’t remember how it happened, but the age question was brought up and he said he was about 26 or ‘in his late 20’s.’

Regarding relationship status, Jeff’s friend stated that he was involved in a ‘complicated’ relationship and that the ‘significant other’ (or not) was a psychopath. (Ouch! Am I supposed to feel afraid now?)

When my age was asked, I didn’t exactly said what it was (why should I?), but did made it clear there was a difference of more than just a few years.

We all kept engaged in the conversation until around midnight when the two guys said they had to go (hmm, does the psychopath has anything to do with their departure?).

I don’t remember (yet again) how it happened (who asked first), but an exchange of phone numbers occurred. I do remember thinking about it twice before giving it, and doing so more out of desperation than anything else.

After they left, I kept talking to the girls, but my mind was working at many miles a minute. This was a moment I hadn’t lived in ages and didn’t know what to make of it.

It didn’t even hit me that I’ve had made ‘contact’ with a much younger man than me.

Yes, I didn’t realize I had just become a cougar, or, did I? Or perhaps I just had a ‘cougar moment’ instead?

I don’t know. This was my first time out as a newly single woman and, so far, so good.

In other words, for tonight, I’ll just enjoy it.

{September 21, 2009}   The Week That Was 11 – Ring!

I was having a lot of fun at the resort. It was so good I got completely disconnected from the real world until…(ring!)

Is it possible? Why is it that people never call you when you have plenty of time to spare, and do, all at the same time, when you’re totally busy, or right in the middle of something very important?

Well, I wasn’t exactly doing anything with Jay that the call totally ruined. But more as hoping that none of my friends would call me because any of them knew of my whereabouts. In other words, I didn’t tell anyone of Jay’s coming to town or my ‘dropping out of radar’ extracurricular activity.

And, who else could be calling? I bet you it’s either Dina or Madelyn. Take a guess…(Dina!)

“Hey, what you’re up to? Where have you been? Haven’t heard from you recently,” said she.

I didn’t want to say too much because me saying a little would go a long way. “I’m not right around where you are.”

“You’re with a guy!! OMG!! Tell me all about it!”

“Aah, yeah, you remember Jay from our trip? The one doing the water sports.”

“The Canadian? Are you out of your mind? You knew that guy from just a few days.”

“Well, yeah, but we’ve been corresponding for a while.” (I gave her a quick rundown of the whole thing over the phone.)

“And you didn’t say anything to me…”

“Because I never thought anything would evolve Dina.”

“Girl, you and I are so having a conversation when he gets back to Canada,” said Dina.

“I’m taking your word for it,” I concluded.

I was somewhat hiding away from Jay. I sat next to him on the room’s sofa. I started laughing and told him what had happened. Jay laughed too and expressed wishing that he could see Dina again.

I was getting comfortable with Jay again when (of course) my mobile rings again. (Didn’t I tell you so that it would happen again? And who it is this time? It can be but no other than…

Madelyn. “EMMA!! What’s up my friend??”

“Dina called you didn’t she?”

“No, I just wanted to know how you were doing.”

“Yeah, right. What other info are you now going to try to get from me?”

“No, I’m not going to do that. You know me better than that. I’m just glad that you’ve continued to do things that you never thought you would before. I’m so proud of you! But you have to tell me all about it later.”

“Fine. Can I get back to what I was doing before?”

“Oh, I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“No, almost.”

“So I guess I better get off the phone now.”

Madelyn and I finished the call and I stared at Jay. He had a face that he was about to burst out laughing. Mine was of wonder if my mobile was to ring again.

“Another girlfriend?” asked Jay. I nodded ‘yes.’ “I hope I get to meet her too.”

Hmm. Jay, my girlfriends and I all together in one room.

Now that’s something to really think about!

Here’s what happened. What I meant by ‘hooking up’ is that I let Ricky into my life right from the start. Meaning he started hanging out in my apartment all the time because I allowed that to happen.

Don’t get me wrong. It was great, at the beginning, when everything feels good, before you start discovering the things that make you different from the other person. Or putted in better words, before the things that irritate you start coming out.

On top of that, I made the biggest mistake of them all: I developed feelings for him before I got to know him as a person, to at least figure out if it was worth keeping him as a friend, or figure out if he was good enough material to possibly go beyond that.

In other words, I should have not gotten emotionally involved with Ricky in any way.

I spent so much time with him that I even helped him move out into a new place and offered to ‘take care’ of an artwork he was going to put away temporarily. (Between you and me, I think it looks better in my place.)

But although Ricky and I were ‘together’ he didn’t see it that we were actually ‘together.’ How so? Not even once did he invite me to meet his family or visit his home. He referred me to his mom as just ‘a friend.’

Sounds confusing? It was, sort of. But that’s what happens when your emotions take over your head and don’t allow you to see clearly.

And the reality was right there, loud and clear, which was that it was over before it even started, if that.

After lunch, Dina and I for some reason decided to separate for a while, but we agreed that sometime of what remained of the afternoon, we would meet to do water skiing.

Of all the other things I could have invested my time at (active or not), I had personal reasons for trying water skiing above anything else. I had an issue related to my marriage that I was still pending to give closure to.

I believe it was around the 5th year of my marriage. It was my ‘x’, a couple and me, in a 20’ boat. Everyone on board had done it before except me, and I could not get up on the skies. Every time the rope pulled, I quickly let go of it.

My ‘x,’ who was, and still is, highly competitive in sports, and an extreme overachiever in life and career, was someone who for the longest time I admired and hoped to emulate.

The problem is, it will never happen. In other words, being associated with someone who doesn’t understand why the rest of the world can’t be like him (‘if it worked for me, why can’t you do the same?’), leads to so-so results.

Translation: even if I had a performance worthy of a gold medal, I learned the hard way it would have never been good enough. Why? He was measuring me against his standards and not looking at me for who I really was.

There was another reason for not holding on to that rope: I had a suspicion I was pregnant.

We had been trying for some time via treatment and my cycle was delayed (somewhat). My doctor also said that if I conceived, my pregnancies were to be high-risk, including that of miscarrying.

And knowing his ‘affairs of the mind,’ as well of my doctor’s, if my suspicion was true, and later on the inevitable occurred, I knew he would take the day’s event and turn it against me.

My suspicion was wrong though. I did get pregnant, eventually, but unfortunately, also miscarried.

My ‘x’ never fully admitted it to me, but I know he blamed me in part for it. He thought I did something that contributed to it. Like? That doesn’t matter now.

What matters now is that nothing is stopping me in getting my life back. Watch me!

I walked up the stairs of the dinning hall and straight into the buffet area where the food was already served. Being the only one there made me feel like a little kid in a candy store where I could take anything I wanted.

I’m doing a walk-through of everything before digging in, when I come face to face with a guy. (Correction, I was the only one there.)

We looked at each other like, ‘whoa, where did you come from??’ We also had a face that we were both in desperate need of some food, so we quickly took separate ways and kept going.

I piled up my plate with food for my first round of eating, and then walked to find myself a table when, sure enough, ‘that guy’ was already seated and once again looking at me.

I looked around at the other empty tables and back again at him, when I figured that the obvious thing was to sit down with him (if he was up to it). In other words, it would have been totally moronic from my part not attempting this.

I mean, wasn’t one of my goals for this trip to have the chance to meet other guys in another light? Duh, as soon as I stepped into the seating area, he stared straight at me.

Translation: it’s a no-brainer that this was one of those moments.

All right, here we go.

et cetera