The New M.E. Generation











I don’t remember if I ever got to see Jeffrey again after his visit to my new place. But we would talk on the phone, on and off, of course.

A few months later, his birthday came up. From our previous conversations, I knew things were still the same as usual. His relationship had gotten worse, his business was struggling, and he couldn’t see the day that his life in general would start change for the better (or he finally had the guts to make this change).

So the only thing I could do was to call him and wish him well. “Jeff, hi, it’s me. I know it’s your birthday so I wanted to wish you good things your way, and that all gets resolved for the best. Love you man.”

A few hours later he returned my call. His voice sounded that he was touched by my message and even teary-eyed. ‘Thank you very much’ was all he could say because his voice chocked.

He was on the verge of crying but he held back. I knew he was deeply sad but didn’t tell me.

I told him again that I appreciated him, thought he was a wonderful person, and that nothing would give me more peace than him finally turning his life around and be happy. All he could answer was ‘I know’ repeatedly.

Yes, I was reaching out to him, but I could feel he was holding back to accept my love for him. I know why he did.

When one has been hurt so much and the pain takes over, you don’t allow yourself for the good to touch you because one feels that, in the long run, it will turn around to become bad and hurt you yet again.

It’s easier to build a wall that shields you because it is all one has known.

We want the good, but we’re scared of it. One thinks that if we shift our emotions to neutral, or not feeling anything, we will be fine.

But we’re not.

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Following his second trip, Jay and I continued corresponding to each other. But, this time, the talk was about me going to Canada. He had pretty much presented a tentative week to do so, and I was waiting for the right time to purchase the ticket.

But, one day, something he said in an online conversation started to give me an uneasy feeling. Here’s how it happened: I called him via the internet, like I was basically doing every day and, don’t know how the comment occurred, but he said that there was no need for me to do so.

“What? I thought you really liked my daily texting and calls; that they were things you looked forward to.”

“I do, but you don’t have to every single day,” he responded.

“All right, I won’t, if that’s how you feel about it.”

So I did. I kept calling and texting, but to a lesser degree. I was confused by his comment and started to wonder if his feelings for me had shifted.

And they did, and I found out quite unexpectedly, through another conversation. I wanted to finally choose a day for me to arrive to Canada, but Jay was not giving me a final answer, plus his enthusiasm for me making the trip wasn’t quite there as before. I then confronted him during the call.

“Jay, what’s going on? Do you want me to make this trip or not?”

“Well, Emma do you remember what we discussed about seeing other people? (At that moment, I felt all the stars in the universe collided and a big explosion suddenly hit me.) There is a person that I met that lives in my community and I want to go out with her.”

“I never said we couldn’t see or go out with other people as long as the relationship was only of that of a friendship.”

“I’m trying to be honest with you as also discussed. I don’t know what will happen here. I could go out with her and nothing happens afterwards or she may turn out to be as someone I would like to pursue. I thought my obligation was to tell you before the date.”

I didn’t say a word for I don’t know how long. Sadness engulfed me and just wanted to cry.

“Jay, you have no idea how much I wanted to make this trip, how much it meant to me!”

“I know and I’m sorry, but I felt it would have been unfair to you for me to go out with this person, develop an interest in her, and afterwards having you come down to visit.

The other thing, Emma, is, you’re still dealing with a lot of issues that also turned me away. One day, for example, you talked about your divorce seven times in one day. You’re definitely not ready to be involved with anyone yet, especially me.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose…I’m sorry,” is all I could say. “You have your issues too, so don’t point all the blame on me. I wanted to make this trip so bad you have no idea, and now you took that chance away from me.

And I will say this, whatever outcome results of this date, don’t even think about calling me saying you still have an interest or feelings for me.”

Jay apologized again during the call. Whatever else he said I don’t remember and, quite frankly, doesn’t matter. The damage was done and so was the relationship, or whatever we had together.

After the conversation concluded, I remained seated for some time and tears came down my eyes. I knew that, in the long run, this distant thing would have ended anyways, but not this soon.

I envisioned it occurring after my trip, after finally sharing our lives to the fullest possible, after all had been said and done.

But I guess it was meant to happen this way so the hurt wouldn’t be as bad, so I wouldn’t feel guilty of doing it if it had been me the one who met someone else, before I invested any more of my feelings on him.

It was hard to accept it, but his time and presence, like all the other guys before him, had come to an end. It was time, once again, to pick-up the pieces and move on.

But it hurts; it hurts a lot.



et cetera