The New M.E. Generation

{September 14, 2011}   The Undateables 11 – Excuse me!

As the night progressed, I started feeling not that well. The munchies at home, strong drink, bad mood and all else had finally taken a toll on me.

I was trying to hold myself together, but it started to get uncomfortable and even wishing that I could go home soon.

He then suggested getting some appetizers. I agreed. Hopefully that would ‘save’ me. But before they arrived, I excused myself.

I tried not to run to the bathroom, but I had to puke. It didn’t matter if my body was asking for it, it didn’t work. I don’t know how long I was there, but probably too long for a ‘brb’.

I went back and the food was there. I had some, kept drinking my only one of the evening, and tried to keep the date going. I excused myself two more times and, on the third, I finally puked, big time.

I don’t know how long I was there, but I did until I felt somewhat better. By the time I got out, this guy had obviously figured out my situation. I don’t remember if he asked or not about my condition. Maybe he did, but I was sick.

Whatever else happened afterwards is all a blur to me. We did stay at the bar the whole night and ate some more, but no more drinking for me.

He drove me back home, I thanked him for the night, got upstairs to my apartment, washed my face and went straight to bed. I don’t recall if we agreed on seeing or talking to each other again, and if there was more puking from my part.

I don’t even remember analyzing how the whole experience was. I did felt that what related to this guy was over, all of it.

I was feeling ‘bad’ because of my condition, but not that probably nothing else was to happen beyond this night.

Maybe this is a first for me not allowing a guy to come into my life and turn my feelings upside down.

Well, in a certain manner, he did. Let’s just wait until I wake up tomorrow.

I gave myself enough time to heal my wounds and think what I was to do next. He may have ended any relationship there was with me, but I was not done with him, not yet.

So I decided to write him and do what was pending from my behalf, take him out of my existence as well, to which I expressed like this:

‘I’m basically writing to let you know that I will no longer be contacting you. You made a decision regarding me whom I have no control of, and can only accept it whether I like it or not.

Right now I serve no purpose in your life nor I will in the future, so it’s better for me to exit.

Don’t worry about me; I will be fine. I have started deleting you from my life already.’

Damn, it feels really good what I did and said.

In the weeks that followed, I continued having some communication with Jay. I avoided asking him about his new ‘love interest,’ so I just stick to trivial topics.

I was having difficulty getting over him. Some days I would wear the ring and others I wouldn’t. I guess I needed to remind myself that something good has happened in my life.

But I believe the most difficult thing was to tell friends that it was over and that the trip to Canada was not happening. They were all sad and disappointed for how things ended because they knew this was the first guy after my divorce that I genuinely had feelings for, and had given myself the opportunity to open my heart to.

Yep, it took me some time to let go of him. I put the ring away, cried late at night, and got the lessons from this experience that I believe will help me move forward.

The day I knew it was really over was when I called him for the last time. I did because there was some news he had been hoping to hear from me for some time. But I also wanted to hear his voice and reaction of listening me on the other end of the line.

Jay answered the call in his usual upbeat demeanor every time I called, and became more when he heard the news. But after this part was over and I talked about everyday things, the conversation became ‘flat.’ It felt as if he was speaking to anyone else like a friend or co-worker; someone who doesn’t have any special feelings for.

I even had the courage to ask him about his love life, and he responded by saying that he was still seeing her, and taking things very slow.

He then continued to say that he was doing some work on his home and he needed to get back to that. When he said good-bye he was cold as someone who is way over you, or not interested in you at all, even perhaps pretending nothing had happened and needed to ‘exit’ as quickly as possible in order to avoid getting into the present reality.

Meaning, it’s so easy to ‘dump’ somebody when you have someone else lined-up. Of course, you’re not empty-handed, especially if the new person is more convenient for your lifestyle.

He knew that the way he behaved was not the best, so he used the ‘baggage’ situation to let go of me easily and have a good mental excuse for leaving me.

Truth is, if she hadn’t come along, I would have made the trip and maybe still be with Jay.

It’s hard to believe that someone who greeted me with so much love at the airport has now said good-bye the opposite way.

So what am I going to make of it? Nothing. I’m not dwelling on it like I did with the others.

It is what it is and that’s it.

et cetera