The New M.E. Generation

After this second meltdown, life went back as usual. This guy eventually bought an apartment walking distance from his father’s pharmacy. He eventually landed a full-time with a major airline, but it was the night shift. He wasn’t excited about it, but knew that if he wanted to get anywhere with his career, he had to.

I remember he telling me that he would finish work early morning, had breakfast at the airport cafeteria waiting for traffic to calm down, drive home, close the curtains and sleep all day. Days off were for running errands.

If I wanted to talk to him, would leave a message at home. His work was on the ground with airplanes, so calling him wasn’t an option. And as my studies, work and relationship continued, the less we talked, but we handled it the best possible.

A year later of being with my then ‘x’, we got engaged. I truly don’t remember how I told this guy or his reaction. Of all moments shared this is a blank space.

Fast forward 5 months to my wedding and this guy still hadn’t confirmed his attendance. I think he never did or bought me a gift.

Maybe he wasn’t happy for my marriage because he knew he had lost me as a possible companion. All I remember is that he showed up late to the reception when it was almost over.

I hugged him and was happy that he saw me in my wedding dress and in this new stage in my life. But now looking back, he didn’t look as excited as I was. He congratulated me in a serious tone, we talked for a few and I think that was it.

Now thinking about this, it was disappointing that he couldn’t get his things in order to attend this event. I know he worked, but how much effort does it take to have left work early?

Had it been the other way around, I wouldn’t have missed this for anything. I would have been the first to arrive and last to leave.

I remember that week there was a pilots’ strike in the airline he was working for, creating a logistics nightmare for all flights and people directly involved with the airplanes, such as him. But he never communicated this to me or that his attendance might not happen.

What this all needed was just a simple phone call. I would have been sad, but would have understood. But keeping quiet makes you look bad, especially coming from someone who never overlooked these details. He was the type of person that no matter how complicated things were, he would meet up to his responsibilities with himself, work and others.

The more I think about, the more upset I am, mostly with myself. I used to give people so many chances for situations that I wasn’t content about. But that’s how I was and tend to be at times, I overlook the negative because I believe in people.

But unfortunately, the more chances you sometimes give to others, the more they keep disappointing you. In the long run they think you will always give them a break, no matter what, and instead of one feeling appreciated, you feel you’ve been ‘thrown under the airplane’.

Interestingly enough, a situation many years later would correlate with this one in a role reversal. But this time around, the outcome would have devastating results.

Let’s say it was one of apocalyptic proportions that shook my inner core like thunder from the sky would do when it hits you. But unlike lightning, I didn’t see it coming.

But, what can you do? Only to wait for the storm to pass or perhaps that it deviates and hit the person back. Hey, maybe that’s what ‘lightning strikes twice’ means.

Some people believe that when we sleep, our souls leave our bodies to wander and, at many times, go to places or find people that otherwise would be impossible to do in our present state of existence. These encounters are presented through our dreams.

If such is real, I then journeyed to find him, the guy who ‘unfriended’ me. And I did.

From what I remember, it was a brief dream. We were both walking slowly side by side on a city street.

It was winter and he was wearing a brown suede jacket. Our hands were inside our coat pockets and looking straight ahead at all times. Other people passed us by.

This occurred in the present time because he was discussing with me the incident that lead to the ending of our friendship.

I was still upset, but was listening to him objectively. I allowed him to speak and I kept quiet while he did.

That’s all I remember.

I had mixed feelings when I woke up. There was a part of me that was glad we finally had the conversation I wanted. But I don’t think I got the resolution I needed.

I didn’t forgive him for what he did, and I never heard something truly important to me: that he had feelings for me back then and now.

I need to believe that what we shared in college was real. I know in part I was in need of affection, but had I not felt the way I did when we reconnected, I wouldn’t feel the way I do now.

Part of the reason for the friendship ending is that he had to ‘delete’ his feelings for me because he can only have them for his spouse.

At times I still question, did he ever love me? Or did our present chemistry was as a result of me helping him reconnect with who he was and those moments that made college so special to him?

Possibly (for both), and I’m just holding on to something that probably won’t happen; getting to hear ‘Emma, I did love you’.

I won’t deny that I still think about him, but not as often as I used to. I wonder if he does the same. We haven’t communicated for a while and probably will remain that way.

If what I said in the beginning is true, I can only wish we might find each other again, even for another moment, in a place we can finally embrace, away from everything and everyone we know. A place where we can be ourselves, that will allow me to forgive him and finally let him go.

What a soulful experience that would be.

et cetera