The New M.E. Generation











I was still trying to get over the cancelled event and annoying ‘no-phone’ situation, so I made a move I thought would probably backfire at me: I called him.

I did it because I wanted to see how he would react and determine if this was another guy I just needed to shelf away sooner than later.

I called, went to voicemail. Don’t recall if I left a message or not. Incredibly, he called back. It was a quick conversation; he sounded rushed and not into exchanging much conversation. Can’t recall the content of it, but I did mention that ‘if I call you is because it’s something important’.

I know I’ve respected his position, but this was totally unnecessary for me to say. I should be able to call and speak to anyone I want. He’s the one with the problem.

If he understands that because of my age (he thinks I’m no older than 35 [a.k.a., a millennial]; which I’m not on both) and a woman that engages in mindless conversation representative of my supposed generation and gender, then he’s really someone who needs to get updated, as the person acting like one is him.

I put the incident aside and continued limiting my morning commute texting. As Friday was winding out, I got his message about meeting for lunch the next day. I accepted again.

Next morning I followed up. He reconfirmed, mentioned he had been working out, and if I would mind him wearing a shirt and bermudas. “That would be fine with me,” said I. I’ll give him credit that at least he asked.

The location is inside a mall in their restaurant floor, so when I entered the area from the opposite side of the door to the eatery, I could see LZ1 outside waiting for me.

When we finally came face to face and heard him say, “so glad we finally meet!” with a laugh (or a live lol), I said to myself, ‘what’s with his tone of voice? sounds squeaky’. It was one of those ‘now I know why’ moments (remember the ‘no phone calls’ thing?).

But after we sat down and the nervousness went away, the conversation flowed quite well. So much that I wondered why this wouldn’t carry over the phone.

From my side, he was courteous, well-behaved and mannered, and didn’t say anything that was concerning to me just yet. Like those comments that makes you realize that there’s nothing in common, or having a particular way of being so different from yours it will always be an issue (like smoking, being a veggie, for example).

We both stayed away from getting into details about our personal life, including marital status, children, and dating experiences.

Overall I was happy with the outcome of the day. I know it will take a lot more to get a better overview, but so far it was a good start.

LZ1 walked me to my car. Before I took off, I stood in front of him, smiled, and thanked him for such a nice time. I then let him do the talking.

He sort of got nervous again and asked ‘if I would be interested in seeing him again, maybe spent time together during the summer’, to which I said ‘yes’ in a cordial way. He then gave me a quick kiss on my lips and left. That was it.

His car was parked in another lot; I know I could have suggested taking him to it, to finally see it up close and personal, but I’ve learned my lesson: if a guy is interested, he will let you know.

Coincidentally, that night I also met up with my BFF (the one that scolded me about the gas station incident). I wore the same thing I did for the lunch, to which she complemented me.

When I shared that I had lunch with this guy a few hours earlier, she showed some surprise and interest. I spoke about it in a neutral tone of ‘let’s see what happens’. She still wasn’t that much impressed and reiterated again that she hoped all ended favorably.

As the day finally came to an end and went to sleep, my mind was again spinning a million thoughts like the first time I encountered LZ1. Instead of being happy and excited, I was staring at the ceiling. And that’s a scary place to be at, because when it does, it can only mean one thing: here’s comes those bad feelings again.

 

 

 

 

 



I’ve been doing something for some time that I shouldn’t be, and it has been reaching out to this former college love interest when I know well I shouldn’t be.

Every so often I send him an email, especially when I’m sad, have a guy issue, or just simply want to have someone to listen to me on whatever matter is causing me to feel upset towards life in general.

The real sad part about this is that if he replies, he usually does it from his phone, using incorrect grammar because he’s obviously writing in a rush.

He always apologizes for doing it quickly because there’s always something going on in his life (meaning his family) and time is limited.

The end part of the message always has the same tone; he repeats that he’s my friend and hopes we continue to be, wishes me good things, and that all works out for me.

The last entry means that I find a guy that appreciates who I am and that finally stays with me for the long haul.

This may all sound great, but it hasn’t fulfilled the emotional need that still clings me to him. As much as I was trying to forget him all together, something always reminds me of him, especially when I hear his first name.

It is so ridiculous, I raise my head up looking for him as if he was to magically appear.

The other thing I do is check my emails constantly after I send him one, waiting for his reply. I can read it loud and clear, but don’t want to read between the lines.

It translates that he’s doing it because he feels sorry for me. He always wishes me well and that I find the guy deserving for me because he tries to make me feel better towards the lousy situation I’m going through.

It’s like getting a second place prize. I know what his situation is, but I get disappointed that he doesn’t respond that way I want to. I want him to tell that somewhere within him he still feels something for me.

I’m behaving like a juvenile, hoping the universe will play its part to turn things around the way I wished for.

What’s wrong with me? After all these years and what I’ve gone through, I should have learned my lesson already.

Yes, we may still communicate via email, he re-opened his profile on social media and I became his friend again.

But his wife and daughter are seeing what I post (again, why am I doing it when I know it?) and I’m exposed to all other people within their list.

I may be single and available to do whatever I want, but I’m stretching it so far that I’m making a fool of myself.

Actually, I’m probably pushing to be considered something unpleasant, like a bitch and idiot who has no clue that my behavior is totally unacceptable.

Definitely not a nice picture to put yourself into.



I think I got a reply 2 days later, at around 2:57 am.

What? Dude, do you get to sleep at all? I know you’re in graduate school with hopes to go into medicine, but this is not exactly healthy.

Personally, I can’t recall when I was ever up until those hours when I was in college, undergrad or post-grad. As much as I had projects or tests, it got to a point tiredness would take over.

The last time I was awake or went to bed at those hours was for New Year’s.

‘So you’ve done this before?’ read his reply. ‘I’m not looking for anything other than just to get know you better. But maybe you’re not interested.’

This sounds so generic and thoughts that were drafted of whatever brain activity remained when you were up or about to crash on your bed, whoever’s that may have been.

And this part that you’re not looking for anything, it’s not true, since it was you who contacted me first. With that schedule of yours, I doubt you are willing to put time aside to ‘just get to know me’.

Now what? Should I continue the conversation or just ignore it?

Won’t hurt to reply. Besides, we don’t know who each other is in regards to anything personal, so I’m safe.

‘It doesn’t have to do with wherever I’m interested in this or not. I’ve lived that and don’t regret it. My goal is to find someone more of my age for a long-term relationship. If you want to get to know me, maybe I can do that’.

Talking about being unclear, my response surely was worse than his. Am I really going for this again although I want something else? Was is it about this guy that’s shifting me in the other direction?

Getting attention, being told that I’m pretty by a very young guy, the thrill of adventure, doing what I’m not supposed to be doing when I should have learned already, because like so many others like me, we need a dose of drama that fuels our lives.

Side effects to follow.



I didn’t visit the site again until about 2 days later. It was the weekend, so I thought it was the best time to engage in this with a more relaxed approach.

I login and notice I have some messages from a guy whose name was ‘greeneyes4u’.

I opened the emails and (damn!) he certainly had green eyes, is nice looking, and on my age range.

Thank you universe!!

But, wait; before I get too excited about the planets being aligned in my favor for the first time ever, let me check out his profile.

According to what he wrote, he had been married, children are grown-up, had his own business, enjoyed the beach very much, and engaged in water sports.

He looked well for his age and was physically fit, obviously as a result of the activities he engages at.

Assuming the photos were recent, they gave me a sense that he was tranquil with his life and that he does want to meet someone, but is not in a rush to do so.

Everything passed my inspection. I wasn’t seeing or reading anything that raised a red flag to me.

I was very glad that this was happening so quickly after joining the site. I felt that I was back in the game and it should finally work out this time around.

I have learned my lesson well and do intend to deal with it the right way. I will reply to his messages (about 3 of them) with no melodrama, no desperate mode, or no negative behavior.

No, no, no. I’m not getting into that any more. It’s been quite a few years since been single and the disappointments and hurt have been too much.

No, I’m not letting this happen again. I know better.

All right, let’s start. I will read all of them and then reply. No rush, no stress; just think of what to say carefully and go for it.

And just when I was about to do that, a window opens on the screen. It was the online chat. This meant he could see that I was online and had visited his profile.

Surprise to me! Darn it! So this is how this works? You pretty much know what another person is doing (if you really do your research) and the same goes for yourself.

I started getting nervous. How much does this ‘green eyed’ person has dug up about me?

I kept staring at the chat window. He wants to talk to me, now!

So, who said again is totally in control here?



Our friendship continued and remained solid for years to come. That included the letters, which were exchanged frequently.

Eventually the correspondence included more than letters. I remember sending him photos and an assortment of gifts, including music. I would always try to send him something that wasn’t expensive to mail.

On one occasion he sent me a card, like those for Valentine’s. It was red, with hearts and a love message. Inside there was a pendant with his name engraved on it.

I felt it was so personal, I kept it in the card and wrote him that I didn’t deserve such a valuable item, but grateful on his gesture of trusting me with it. It was the closest I ever felt to him after seeing him the second time.

Some years later I graduated from high school and went to college. The writing continued and I even had a picture of him on my freshman’s dorm room bulletin board.

I’m not sure if it was during this time or after that he completed his marine merchant service/education and returned home. We were both dating other people, but the sentiment between us always remained.

But the letters came to an end when he wrote saying that he was getting married, but that I would always remain in a special place on his heart. I always knew our relationship would end, but I wasn’t prepared for it that way.

Some years later, I got married myself. I took the box that kept all of his letters to my new residence. Thinking he had moved on and that I should do the same, I read each and every one of them, and ripped them off. I only kept a few, including the card with the pendant and the one telling me about his marriage. I believe all photos were untouched.

This is something I have regretted badly, especially after my ‘x’ divorced me, and the contact I had with Johann was all gone.

Lesson learned: always keep those positive things that will help you look back on life with a smile on your face.

This smile came back to me after searching, yet again, inside a storage box.



et cetera