The New M.E. Generation











I never got a reply to what I last said, considering this guy have always had some sort of response to anything I’ve said. Which is surprising.

If you analyze what I wrote, at no time did I express placing a blame on him or that I didn’t want to have any more contact with him.

I conveyed that I needed to step away from this situation and time for me to let me go of him for good.

Maybe that’s what happened; he realized that I no longer am the person he knew me for and decided to respect my wishes. If he wants to remain in good terms, he would do just that because that’s the right way to go.

Or, because now I’m no longer a ‘person of interest’, he can in turn dedicate fully to the ultra-bleached blonde.

I mean, of course he will. There’s no obstacles regarding driving or distance with her. It’s “facilito”. That’s what humans usually do; they apply “la ley de menos esfuerzo” or go for what’s easy, a.k.a., the path of least resistance.

Still, like I said before, I’m fine with it. So much so that I sent him another thing related to school for old times sake. He again was a no-show regarding a reply.

Me: “Did you get what I sent you?”

Him: “Yes I did. Thank you.”

Me: “Talking about being on delay as you once told me. Later.”

Him: “Yes. I agree.”

Another few days went by and the 4th of July weekend was coming up shortly.

Me: “How’s your cardio patient doing.”

Him: “Somewhat better. Still long work days.”

Me: “So what’s your plans for the holiday? Bahamas again? Your patient?” (Recap: he had mentioned in the past that he’s a personal doctor to people both here and there who are well-off. That’s why he shows up unexpectedly in my area, sometimes on their personal jet that they made available for him to fly out on a moment’s notice. It’s because of the relationships with some of them that he gets invited to travel to places like the one mentioned above.)

Him: “Seems like it.”

A few more days went by and I didn’t hear from him, thus assuming he went somewhere for sure.

And as I was trying to enjoy the time off myself, of course the radio would play one of those songs that always remind me of him.

Me: “Radio station playing ‘Born To Be Alive’ yet again. Swear this retro station does it every single day. Guess there’s no way I will ever get you off my mind any time soon.” (Grimacing face emoji)

The weekend came and went, and no signs of him. None. Zip. Nada.

Wow. Thought to myself that he must have had some serious fun. Or he took my words to heart (literally).

Does this mean this is the end-end of it all? Sounds to me like a sad break-up song. Could be…

 

 

 

 

 

 



Fast forward another few years and it was Christmas. My friend Madeline was spending the holidays and New Year’s with her family up my state and invited me to join them for the week.

My then friend was also spending time with family, but not a planned one. His mother back home was having issues with her health. So he took whatever vacation, personal, sick days he had left to be with her. From what he was telling me, his sister was taking turns being with her as well.

I had known long enough that he and his sister did not get along. He always resented that his mom had more affection towards his sister than to him.

The tension between these two was so bad they couldn’t be at the same place at the same time.

How much? One time I was at their house and on top of a table there were about 10 or so photos of her and only 1 of him in the corner of the furniture, almost covered up by all the other frames.

I remember he saying to me, “all these photos are of my sister and this small one is mine.” It was a simple shot of him on college graduation day, standing at school entrance, smiling, and wearing a suit.

I don’t think his mom attended the ceremony (his sister did not obviously), because the mom detested her ex-spouse and couldn’t be where he was at the same time as her. She couldn’t put aside her way past personal matters and concentrate on her son’s achievement.

Even in important moments like this, if it had to do with him, she wouldn’t go the extra mile. But for her daughter, she would endure hell and back if needed to. The way each one was treated was incomprehensible and nauseating to me.

I felt sorry for him. He had achieved so much and what did his sister do to deserve so much attention? According to him, she hated her life back home, and after her first year of college decided to get married and go live abroad.

So she never even completed college and at one time took the tuition money to buy herself an expensive watch, which wasn’t questioned either by the father who was helping her with school.

It was a feeling that I shared that no matter how good one could do, it still wasn’t enough.

But her sister? It seemed that marrying a guy to run away from it all (and who had a moronic face on top of that), having a home and kids (and not working even if her life depended on it) was the way to go.

Having the situation that the mom’s health was at risk created another challenge, because they had to work together to get her the medical treatment that she needed.

The question was if they would be able to put their differences aside. Sadly, I learned the hard way that he was worse than me when it came to forgiveness, letting go and moving on with life, even more of saying, “I will never be or do something like that”.

Let’s say that besides not practicing what you preached, it’s about repeating other people’s way of existence and becoming a creature that not even your loved ones (repeat, loved ones) want to be with.



I didn’t heard of Ivan for a while or make an effort to contact him. My hope was that he had taken some action on his issues like having a conversation with his girlfriend upon his return and that family member whom he had an argument with. Even more, that he had resolved the issues in some way.

But knowing how he was, I had the feeling that he probably kept on with the relationship, letting things get worse or hoping they might be solved on their own.

With his relative, he probably had a normal phone conversation without addressing what happened.

In other words, I was not going to intervene or discuss the matter with him again. I decided that it was better for me to step back and let it be. If he wants to contact me, fine, if not, fine too.

And soon after I ‘let him go’, I learned over a text message (again) that things did get resolved, but in a whole different way.

‘My girlfriend cheated on me.’

OMG! WTF!



When we got to the topic of love, we had to accept that there was sparks between us, probably more than we had before. Although I don’t remember it, the feeling was stronger this time around.

I found myself thinking about him all the time, waiting to receive a call, text or email from him. It was as if I was having a long distance relationship.

He became my friend again and I went as far as to trust him with my most personal secrets, something which I have not done with any other guy, or even with my closest friends.

I felt I finally found ‘the guy’, that someone who should had come into my life in the first place and stayed for good. But, why didn’t it happen previously?

“The last time we saw each other was before I graduated and left school,” said he. “I know we exchanged telephones and else, and spoke a few times afterwards, but at some point we lost complete contact with each other.

At that time I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, and I just wanted to get out of there. I stayed briefly around the area and then moved overseas for many years before coming back to the US. I basically disconnected from pretty much everything and everyone that related to school.”

“Even from me?” asked I. There was a brief pause on the call.

“Like I said, I just wanted to leave. And I don’t recall you showing interest in keeping in touch with me.”

“Because you probably told me of your plans beforehand and, who was I to stop you? I mean, I still had another year to go, and neither had an idea about the future.

Most likely I felt that the best thing for both of us was to let you go. And I did in such a way that I completely erased you from my memory.

That’s why I feel so sad inside and don’t remember because I blocked it so it wouldn’t hurt any more than it did.

I knew it was not meant for us to be together, and now you’re back, and I’m feeling all that I felt before, and still can’t have you either.

I don’t understand why life is doing this to me. You’re the only descent guy that has come to my life since my divorce, and it can’t happen yet again.”

Why can’t things be different for me? Why did he have to come back?



“Sorry that my girlfriend did that of pushing you over here,” said I.

“That’s ok. The one I really wanted to talk to is you,” said the guy, who introduced himself as Jesse.

Oh, no, here we go again with the cougar thing. I don’t know his age yet, but, by just looking at him, I knew he was younger than me and not by just a few years.

“So, are you still in college break or what? My girlfriend said you’re like, 21?”

“23. I’m done with college. Now I’m part of the corporate world. How about you? What’s your age?”

“How old do you think I am?”

He took another look at me from head to toe. “I would say no more than 32.”

“Yeah, that’s it. I’m 32.” (What? Thought I would give the real one away?)

But this wasn’t exactly the right move. Because this was not an issue with him, he became more interested in me. And I’m not for some reason.

He kept saying how beautiful he thought I was, and that any man would be happy to have a woman like me (starting with him). Even learning that I was divorced didn’t scare him away.

I couldn’t help feeling flattered by his remarks since you don’t get that every day. But my previous ‘cougar moments’ didn’t lead to anything long-term.

I know one should never use the past as a comparison and that there are positive things that I’ve gained from these experiences.

But now I feel like ‘been there, done that.’ As of today, I am in a ‘happy place’ and don’t feel the need to ‘go on a guy hunt’ yet again, not even for the fun of it or ‘for the love of the art.’

I know I need to let this ‘cub’ go away, but I’ve never done that. Dina and Madelyn have been the experts at this.

Holy, getting rid of a guy! How does it go?



In the weeks that followed, I continued having some communication with Jay. I avoided asking him about his new ‘love interest,’ so I just stick to trivial topics.

I was having difficulty getting over him. Some days I would wear the ring and others I wouldn’t. I guess I needed to remind myself that something good has happened in my life.

But I believe the most difficult thing was to tell friends that it was over and that the trip to Canada was not happening. They were all sad and disappointed for how things ended because they knew this was the first guy after my divorce that I genuinely had feelings for, and had given myself the opportunity to open my heart to.

Yep, it took me some time to let go of him. I put the ring away, cried late at night, and got the lessons from this experience that I believe will help me move forward.

The day I knew it was really over was when I called him for the last time. I did because there was some news he had been hoping to hear from me for some time. But I also wanted to hear his voice and reaction of listening me on the other end of the line.

Jay answered the call in his usual upbeat demeanor every time I called, and became more when he heard the news. But after this part was over and I talked about everyday things, the conversation became ‘flat.’ It felt as if he was speaking to anyone else like a friend or co-worker; someone who doesn’t have any special feelings for.

I even had the courage to ask him about his love life, and he responded by saying that he was still seeing her, and taking things very slow.

He then continued to say that he was doing some work on his home and he needed to get back to that. When he said good-bye he was cold as someone who is way over you, or not interested in you at all, even perhaps pretending nothing had happened and needed to ‘exit’ as quickly as possible in order to avoid getting into the present reality.

Meaning, it’s so easy to ‘dump’ somebody when you have someone else lined-up. Of course, you’re not empty-handed, especially if the new person is more convenient for your lifestyle.

He knew that the way he behaved was not the best, so he used the ‘baggage’ situation to let go of me easily and have a good mental excuse for leaving me.

Truth is, if she hadn’t come along, I would have made the trip and maybe still be with Jay.

It’s hard to believe that someone who greeted me with so much love at the airport has now said good-bye the opposite way.

So what am I going to make of it? Nothing. I’m not dwelling on it like I did with the others.

It is what it is and that’s it.



{November 14, 2008}   The Bostonian 10 – Remember?

We returned to campus after lunch. Annette and I were to walk around campus on our own, so we had to say good-bye to Dr. S in front of his office building.

After all these years of waiting for a reunion and a quick lunch, it was once again time for me to depart. I mean, what are the chances that this reunion might happen again?

I hugged Dr. S the same way I did back when he hand me my diploma and started to cry. I’m as confused as on graduation day and scared what the future holds for me.

“Remember that I thanked you for believing in me?” I said to Dr. S. “That is something that has always stayed with me. You don’t how much that has inspired me.”

“I remember,” he said. “I’ve never forgotten it. I still have the picture of that moment somewhere in my office.”

“What’s going to happen to me?” I asked him.

Dr. S kissed my forehead. “I know exactly what you’re going through, and I assure you that you will come out of this just fine.”

I avoid saying good-bye and I’m having difficulty letting go. When you’re in college one is in a comfort zone you just don’t want to loose because the real world is hard to come by.

My marriage was the same; a fish bowl that I in part created to be safe and risk-free so life could flow uninterrupted. More than ending a relationship of many years, I didn’t want to let go of the security that had always guarded me. I was afraid of facing the real world again on my own, with no one there to hold my hand.



et cetera