The New M.E. Generation











On Saturday I took care of other things, but made an effort to relax and rest as much as possible. My weekend was going as normal as usual, that is, until I get a text message from him.

‘Sorry for not being able to meet with you.’ Well, that’s a first, apologizing for something, especially from someone who has made it very clear that he will never admit making a mistake, because in his world, he never does.

‘No worries. Maybe next time,’ replied I.

What happened next I did not expect. He started criticizing me in such a way I became baffled to his behavior. What I did not grasp was that he didn’t apologize for not making time to see me, he was upset I didn’t make an effort to be with him!

It then became a war of words of ‘you said, he said’ in text mode. The exchange got to the point that no one wanted to lose this battle, so I started deleting them.

‘You overthink everything. You’re never fun, only combative and full of excuses. You’re probably in your pajamas watching reruns,’ said he.

‘And why does that bother you? I don’t criticize your life,’ said I.

‘Goodnight. BTW. You have. But once again. Whatever.’ So, you finally noticed someone else treating you the way you treat others.

‘When have I criticized you?’ Exactly, please give me the details as you clearly remember.

‘Stay pissed off at your ex the rest of your life. I remember when you were happy and adventurous. Full of life. I’ve learned life is too short to be bitter and unhappy. You are smart and beautiful. Go get it. Take over your life.’ Now he’s bringing out the ex card to deviate the real issue here.

Also, you remember me being what? Where, the beach? You basically had no contact with me at school.

Regarding my looks, that I know, and I get that from guys, but need more than that after I hear it. Lastly, I’m fine with my life and I’m living it in my own terms, not what you think should be.

‘Please do not criticize me any more. What I’ve learned in life is that as long as I do what others expect of me and fill their expectations, it’s all good. Once I don’t I’m then the problem with the ex issue,’ said I.

‘I’m done.’

You know what? I’m done too. I’m done with you always wanting to have the last word. I’m done with me being good to others and getting retaliated with a major guilt trip. I’m done with getting judged based on your reality when at the present you don’t know who I am.

Yes, I’m done with many things. But as it relates to him, sooner or later it was to happen like it just did.

I was still upset, but knew it was best to put the phone down again and walk away.

I may be still struggling with certain issues of the past, but unlike you and my ex, I’m dealing with them and not pretending you have nothing to do with them, or that your circumstances are as a result of other people or situations.

Oh, BTW, ‘whatever’ show I’m watching on TV it’s way much better than this ‘rerun’ between you and me that I should have cancelled many seasons ago. Click!

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Life for me went back to normal and I followed what I decided upon, which was to close communication with Edward. I would sometimes write a comment on his posts, but no emails or phone calls were made.

I would say at least a year or more went by when I got to see something about him again. It was early in the year and, there they were, the two of them, kissing, at their wedding.

Yep, he married the party chick. It totally took me by surprise, as I don’t recall reading anything about the engagement. People were congratulating him for the good news, so it seems he kept it quiet.

The ceremony was held outdoors in a garden area. In my opinion, both were dressed appropriately, not too much or too under whelmed, but no photos of reception. It seems it was a small and intimate ceremony with only the closest people attending.

I kept looking at the picture when I got an email from the girl who introduced us.

“What do think of Edward getting married?” asked she.

“Hip hip hooray?” replied I.

I really didn’t have an answer for her or me. I was happy for him, sort of, as the questioning about the past resurfaced. It wasn’t really about ‘losing a possible catch’, I was disappointed that other people (guys especially) were moving on, getting married, etc., and I was still single.

Why is it that others are lucky and I haven’t experienced a love relationship with someone else?

Fast forward about another year or so later, and I got to see Edward and entourage with other surprising news, they were expecting a baby.

I again thought to myself, “that could have been me”, but my emotions were really linked to wanting what other people had and wondering if it would ever happen with me.

Some months later a baby boy was born and it was quite cute. It definitely looked like him; if I would have been the mom, I saw how it would have looked like.

I was again sort of happy for him, but not personally that now there were 4 kids altogether. I’ve always wanted to experience motherhood, but one child would be just fine. Raising children that are not mine, I don’t know how I would handle it.

The last, last thing I read about him was that he moved to the west coast to a location that looked very country. Now that’s definitely something that’s not for me. Don’t get me wrong; the place is beautiful, but dealing with cold weather more than half of the year, thank you, but no.

So, what am I feeling now? Relieved. It was now clear to me why this relationship never occurred: I wouldn’t have liked to move, or go through such a huge change, because it would have made me unhappy.

I know you’re supposed to sacrifice for your loved ones, but I did that once, living life for others, but if they don’t make sacrifices for you, an unbalance is created and the relationship suffers.

What if I met someone and I had to relocate again to make it work? Would I let the opportunity pass me by?

Let’s say I will worry about that when it happens (if that) and when I find the right guy (which I will), I know this time around my story will be a totally different.



“Hello” and” Hello, you!” was what we said to each other while hugging at the top of the stairs.

I got slightly nervous and didn’t know what else to say besides, “sorry about the wet floor. It always happens when it’s windy and pouring rain”.

I welcomed him into my apartment; he noticed I usually leave my shoes at the entrance, so he did the same. His were very beach shoes. I didn’t like them; thought he would wear something dressier, besides a polo shirt and jeans, to see me.

The other thing that struck me was the big belly that he had. Couldn’t believe this was a guy whose physique was the envy of anyone back in the day. And now seeing him like this, as someone who ‘gave up’ on this aspect of his life, doesn’t correlate with a person I always saw as successful in anything they would set out to do.

But the most shocking thing of all occurred when I looked at him from head to toe and asked myself, ‘has he always been this short?’

I’ve never considered myself that small, more of an average height, but had always wanted a few more inches. In comparison to me, he had less the inches that I wanted to gain. Standing face to face, the disparity was obviously visible, and for the first time ever, I felt tall.

He sat down at my sofa and I on my chair. I had no idea where to start the topics of conversation, so I started with his divorce. It was still ongoing and as messy as I remembered him telling me about it.

He believes that all that really happened is that she had a mid-life crisis and now she’s doing all that she never did until today, like having a younger boyfriend, traveling, give him a hard time.

Yep, sounds sort of my story. Instead of my ‘x’ having menopause, he had ‘peckerpause’, as in thinking life was leaving him behind like a train and needed to reproduce right away. He kept the one who immediately opened her legs and gave him what he wanted.

I have made some travels and dated more than one younger man. It hasn’t been exactly great, but quite an experience indeed.

This guy also told me about his kids and how close he is to them, his parents and sibling, and how, in the future, once his kids are all grown up, would like to work abroad.

Wow, some things never change. His family was always close to each other and now he’s the same with his kids. And him planning going international, no surprise either. What he envisions, he always gets.

And while I was listening to him, that same insecure feeling I felt back then slowly resurfaced to the top. Here I am with no significant other or kids, and not exactly close or distant with my scattered family. But, worst of all, I have no idea or plans of what my future will or should be.

I’m just living life day by day and don’t give much thought about what will, or should, happen next.

I know there’s nothing wrong with that or should feel bad about it. But with this guy, as I said before, some things will always remain the same, no matter what.

Not even a historical moment like this one can fix it.



The ‘What do you think about dating younger men?’ sentence kept staring at me like the fate of the world depended on it.

If felt like those moments when you have to make an important decision or decipher a situation that you don’t want to tackle when you probably know the outcome beforehand.

Some examples include: Am I pregnant? Is this guy into me or not? ‘Should I do something new to my hair? Should I tell my girlfriend the real truth about her relationship when she asks ‘my opinion’ on the matter?

I know I’m not obliged to answer this question, but in a certain matter I did, not for him, but for myself. He’s just somebody who somehow found me on the site and presented me with a question.

I’m not new to this situation, but his inquiry kept spinning in my head as if I was analyzing it for the first time (see The Accidental Cougar and Another Cougar Moment).

On one hand I know there’s no future on it as it has been rightfully proven to me. But I’m also trying to keep an open mind and give myself the opportunity to live the things that are presented to me. If I don’t, I’ll probably never get to where I need to.

Then, what do I think about this today? Well, for starters, he’s cute, seems to have a nice body, has career goals that seem to be headed the right way, and obviously knows how to have fun.

Then there’s the issue of the tongue sticking out. I was having a dual feeling about it, meaning gross as in where and in what he’s been applying it; the other was a curiosity of his abilities of what he could do with it.

So, am I going to base my decision an infamous body part or what I actually think on the younger man/older woman issue?

‘Been there, done that,’ wrote I. ‘I think this is more of what you’re hoping to get out of it.’

I didn’t want to get into a long reply. Asking me this question is definitely not intended to opening the lines of communication. Besides, I’m sure what he really wants is to put his body part into work (well, it depends of what he thinks about me physically).

And getting too detailed or negative on my content will make me come across as something I’m not (like a bitch). If he gets in a mode I don’t like, I’ll just delete him and move on as if nothing has happened.

I exited the site right after I replied to the message and kept going with my night. I may have analyzed this issue again, but I already know what to do if this situation doesn’t stick.

NEXT!



{September 2, 2013}   Take Me Back 19 – Sing it to me

This process of putting the pieces of the past together has been a great mental exercise. It’s still strange, though, that there have been bits missing. How is it possible that I don’t remember all about Johann when he was such an important part of my life?

I’ll tell you this. One day I was driving to work and the radio station played a song that woke me up more than my alarm does.

The song was one among many of the music that I had mailed him in the past. I don’t remember specifically about the rest, other than they were primarily love songs.

The lyrics of this one always reminded me of him. It sang about this man who constantly has to travel for work and this separates him from his loved one.

He knows that what he does is not how life with a significant other is supposed to be, but he reassures her that, no matter what happens, he will always be faithful to her.

The song continues in that he asks the same of her, to not stray, and that whenever he gets to see her again, he feels joy in discovering her over and over.

I identified with the song because Johann and I had a friendship and love for each other that was not the standard. He was always traveling and I would get to know him more with each new letter received. Even more, he was faithful to me all the time he was in the navy.

Using this song in the present, it was the ultimate joy that we got to reconnect and know each other again.

There are no expectations here other than to stay together as friends and that we may live our lives for others and ourselves accordingly.

The only part of the song that may not ‘repeat’ is seeing each other. That’s a hard one and will take a lot more than just singing the blues for it to happen.



et cetera