The New M.E. Generation











I have a vague recollection of where the location of the palm reader was. The place was nothing to brag about. I felt totally awkward doing this, allowing a total stranger to talk to me about my apparent future.

My worries of the time were of any other person about to leave college: stay in the city you studied at, go home or try luck somewhere else?; what job should I go for?; will I make it?; how ill I manage to pay my loan?

Of course there was the concern about love. I hadn’t had that many relationships, other than that of my long distance one.

After turning 21 I was legally an adult and getting married was the natural progression in life.

But the thought of such a step scared me. I was a child of divorced parents, which greatly had an effect on me. My ex had also mentioned to me that he would have liked to marry me in the future, a proposal that I declined partly because my feelings has drastically changed and because I didn’t envision myself doing something of this magnitude in my early 20’s.

My friend talked to the female palm reader aside and asked her if he had a coupon I could use for my consultation of about $5 off, to which she replied, “she has the money.”

I went in by myself, placed my hand facing up on the table, and the reading started.

All that she said was very general and not that enlightening. At the same time my life was pretty bland, so what was there to see? Not much.

When it was time for ‘any questions?’, the only thing that came to mind was, “will I ever get married”, to which she replied, “yes”.

But that’s all she said, no physical description of the person, a year, or anything that could perhaps alert me if the moment had arrived.

“But if you pay me something extra I can tell give you his initials,” said she next. Oh boy!

I didn’t do it, of course, and left the meeting as blank as a book you can’t understand what you’re reading about.

I didn’t knew it then, but to get to a marriage, the commitment needs to start with myself, as in getting everything about me together, like two people would do, into a perfect one.

And that my friend, is one tough act to follow.

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Our friendship continued throughout high school without any setback. Our meetings occurred more due to a necessity, like me needing to get something at the pharmacy.

We both had things to do after school; I was active in school activities, tried to keep my long distance relationship going by sending my former BF letters and pictures of me, plus endless house chores that I was responsible for.

This guy worked every day at the pharmacy during the school week. Although his career goal was in another field, he learned al that he could about it and was helping his father manage it.

On occasions he would come to visit home to see my brother, but as the years progressed, we both concentrated more towards getting into college.

The ironic part was that I was an average student with good conduct and he was the opposite. He got notoriously popular for pranks he was pulling off, which got him in trouble far too long with the school administration.

I admired him for being daring, because I was insecure of coming out of my shell or doing anything that could affect my entrance to college.

One day we went to have lunch at a fast food place and he started telling me some of his stories. I couldn’t believe what he was doing; he wasn’t hurting or physically damaging anything, he was simply looking for attention as he candidly admitted.

Like me, our parents had gotten divorced and he was playing out the emotions he felt about it. What he expressed was harmless, but spoke volumes in other ways.

I kept listening to him and laughed a lot, amused by his creativity. But deep inside I envied him. In spite of having some parallels in our lives, I was keeping my emotions to myself. They were somewhat expressed through my letter writing and school clubs I was involved at. But I never had the audacity to really take a risk on anything close to his level.

He had also known what he wanted as a career from an early age. I had no idea what I was supposed to do all together. All I wanted to do was to graduate and come to college in the U.S. It was for me a secure way to run away from my current life and run into another, which future was as obscure as my present one.

And as always happened, the universe made itself present. It always had, but it has been a recent discovery of its ‘pranks’ in my existence.

While we were in the end part of our meal, and elderly man sitting at a table nearby would look at us from time to time. Of course I didn’t notice; I was feeling too sorry for myself.

When the man was almost done, he took a napkin and wrote something in it. Before leaving, he came to our table and handed it over to my friend. “Here’s something for you. Good night,” said he.

My friend and I got surprised. He read the napkin, smiled and laughed. He then handed it over to me; I don’t remember the exact words, but it had to do with my apparent beauty and how lucky this guy was of me being with him.

My reaction was a combination of puzzlement and surprise at what a total stranger had expressed about me. This would be one of many messages that literally dropped from the sky, or better yet, heaven, that would present to me when I needed it the most.

Back then I couldn’t grasp my true inner and outer essence, or that our friendship we were having, as well as the love and respect for each other, was also one of real beauty.

It’s heartbreaking sharing such a simple moment and think how we are now separated by an emotional distance that he chose to travel.

Perhaps the universe had another written message within the napkin. Maybe what my friend had told my former BF was also talking to him.

In other words, I could also slip away from him like sand between his fingers, and if I didn’t, consider yourself lucky.



Needless to say, our friendship was what everyone would say it would never be: real. There’s always been the notion that just a friendship between a man and woman will never stay like that. But it did.

We both had romantic relationships during high school, to which we respected and supported of. There was never jealously or intervened as to how we should deal with it.

He was aware of some details of the inside’s of mine as I would consult him, and I would because I had confidence he would suggest what would be beneficial for me and not for him. He never once strayed me so I would end up with him.

I showed my respect towards his relationship as well. I wouldn’t ask much about it and as long as I knew it was doing well, I would be the same. Besides, because I felt he was doing right for me, I was confident he would do the same for himself.

We had such a strong bond that even my BF at the time (who all knew each other from school) realized that if he wanted to be with me, he had to accept our friendship. I was never shy of talking about him and with time my BF realized my other friend was no threat.

My BF eventually learned to respect our friendship and even went to him at one time for advice when things were not quite there. Thing was, my BF was away in college and the long distance was obviously distancing us, so my BF started fearing he would loose me.

According to my other friend, my BF went to the pharmacy and asked him to have a private chat. Upon my BF saying about the challenges the relationship was having and me going away, my friend replied with these transcending words: “Don’t pressure Emma too much because if you do, she might slip away like sand between your fingers”.

When my friend told me this story during his last encounters with me, I got surprised to what extent my BF had gone for to not loose me. But as always, my friend was right on point as to how well he knew me.

Even more, he shed light on a personal trait: being pressured too much into something has never worked well with me. I tolerate it, but eventually disconnect or walk away. I tend to avoid the confrontation and if I do, I just explode, and then things get really nasty.

As I have said before, sounds familiar? Why is it that I seem to have forgotten plenty, but some things just remain the same?

Is this good or bad? Don’t know. Maybe it’s a half and half, good when it works on your favor, bad when it doesn’t.

What will I do about it? I’m thinking.



I would bet myself that I wrote a letter to Johann as soon as I had the chance.

There was a time when I was a pretty good pen pal. Writing wasn’t difficult for me and enjoyed filling pages front and back with whatever anecdote that came to mind.

My first letter to him probably talked about the three days of events together. I’m sure it was loaded with sentiment, such as that I was thinking about him, that I was already missing him, and wished we would meet again.

Yes, it was a lot to say. But, those letters were traveling to whatever part of the world he was, meaning, he was the only one reading them, that is, if he didn’t share them.

This was the time way before anything went viral, so your secrets, or whatever else you said, stayed on paper.

Of course, the waiting was terrible. You didn’t know if the other person would indeed write or he was just another guy saying anything to make you feel good.

I got my answer a few weeks later when I received a letter from Johann. I don’t know who wrote first, but I think he did with the feeling he initiated the conversation.

I was really happy to read something written by him, with the ship’s address on the envelope, and stamps from wherever he mailed it out from.

I do remember that the stationery was thinner than what I had and his collection of thoughts followed pretty much mine, such as what he was doing during his travels and that he was also thinking about me.

The letters kept coming and I treasured every one of them. He would even include pictures of himself, his hometown, or whatever he thought might interest me.

I started doing that as well; send him pictures of me. At times I would ask my girlfriends at school to shoot some with my camera. They knew they were for him and all they could do was smile and laugh at me.

But I couldn’t stop thinking where all this was going, especially ever crossing paths again. Don’t get me wrong, this whole long distance relationship was great, but, how long is going to last?

My answer couldn’t have sooner than later.



When we got to the topic of love, we had to accept that there was sparks between us, probably more than we had before. Although I don’t remember it, the feeling was stronger this time around.

I found myself thinking about him all the time, waiting to receive a call, text or email from him. It was as if I was having a long distance relationship.

He became my friend again and I went as far as to trust him with my most personal secrets, something which I have not done with any other guy, or even with my closest friends.

I felt I finally found ‘the guy’, that someone who should had come into my life in the first place and stayed for good. But, why didn’t it happen previously?

“The last time we saw each other was before I graduated and left school,” said he. “I know we exchanged telephones and else, and spoke a few times afterwards, but at some point we lost complete contact with each other.

At that time I didn’t know what I was doing with my life, and I just wanted to get out of there. I stayed briefly around the area and then moved overseas for many years before coming back to the US. I basically disconnected from pretty much everything and everyone that related to school.”

“Even from me?” asked I. There was a brief pause on the call.

“Like I said, I just wanted to leave. And I don’t recall you showing interest in keeping in touch with me.”

“Because you probably told me of your plans beforehand and, who was I to stop you? I mean, I still had another year to go, and neither had an idea about the future.

Most likely I felt that the best thing for both of us was to let you go. And I did in such a way that I completely erased you from my memory.

That’s why I feel so sad inside and don’t remember because I blocked it so it wouldn’t hurt any more than it did.

I knew it was not meant for us to be together, and now you’re back, and I’m feeling all that I felt before, and still can’t have you either.

I don’t understand why life is doing this to me. You’re the only descent guy that has come to my life since my divorce, and it can’t happen yet again.”

Why can’t things be different for me? Why did he have to come back?



After Jay left, our correspondence continued and we were missing each other terribly. Saying good-bye to him at the airport was very hard. We kept hugging each and I tried not to cry. I didn’t look through my rear view window when I drove away because I was just too sad.

The waiting for his arrival felt forever and, now that he was gone, my place felt very empty and lonely as before he came. It was as if he had never made the trip.

About two months later, Jay came back for another week that, of course, included more water skiing, but no travel to the resort.

This time around, he got more of a taste of what my life was about. He got to see Dina again, met Madelyn, and I took him to the different places that I usually go out to.

I even told my friends and family about him. I communicated to others that Jay was someone special that was now part of my life, and all were happy that there was someone else to whom I was special too as well.

Jay even expressed for me to go visit him a few months later at the lake community he was living at. This way, I could really get a sense of his life as a whole now that he got to know mine, and as a way to hopefully continue whatever we had going.

Yes, the relationship conversation was again brought up. The original agreement of continuing to see other people, only as friends, and to keep the communication or honesty open, was to stand.

The second time around went equally as good, but as soon as he left, uncertainty about the future about our relationship quickly sink in once again. This was the last time that, for now, Jay could visit me. And even if I did go to Canada, what was to happen between us after I returned home was in question.

I mean, people were happy for me, but everyone was having the same concern as well. They were glad to learn that I had a love in my life, but what were the chances of a long distance relationship of ever working out?

Forget about the mutual feelings and that we were both different from each other in so many ways. The distance factor was one that, in the end, would do just that, end anything.

I’m digesting all this and can’t come to a conclusion. I figured out that, for now, I’ll go visit him, see how that goes, and take it from there.

And, yet again, I’m throwing all this into the universe, hoping it will give me some direction or answer to my uncertainties.

And it did, but not exactly in what I was shooting for.



et cetera