The New M.E. Generation











One day to the next he was back to the U.S. Everything was so confusing and happened so quickly, that it didn’t give me time to process his move and abrupt return. I was still as confused about everything as when he announced that he was leaving.

Because he had no place to live, he opted to go stay with his mom. This way, he could save money while he found another job. Plus, he could spend some time with her, which was important to him due to her health.

He had also mentioned to me that going back to the state where he lived with the classless girlfriend wasn’t an option.

He simply hated how expensive it was to live there, a responsibility he took on himself entirely because she never worked due to language or residency issues.

On top of that, her son didn’t worked either, so he ‘paid for everything and these two were totally ungrateful to me. They never appreciated anything I did for them.’

He hated that location so much and everything it represented, that ‘when I passed the state line while moving, I felt like ripping the license plate off my car and throwing it away as far as I could.’

I clearly remember when he told me on the phone. His tone was one of being highly disgusted, of not having anything good to say about his years there. I could even imagine his face all boiled up and angry.

Looking back it’s scary to realize now how diabolic he sounded, like someone who wanted to take revenge on his ex and had started taking the first steps into that by leaving.

It’s diabolic in the sense that he was conjuring up a plan to inflict some pain on her for what she had done to him.

Once again, I didn’t think much of him then. I never saw him as one who would let his anger take over him and make him do what you never expected he would.

Once he settled in his mom’s house, he remained sort of quiet with me. I had recently started a new job and he didn’t want to invite me over yet so ‘I could concentrate on what I was doing.’ According to him, he ‘wanted me settle down on the job first and foremost.’

He was himself going through the change of being back and else. Curiously he wasn’t saying much about himself, which was kind of odd. It was a feeling that, for now, it was all about me and new stage in my life.

I knew he was unhappy with his life, but being with his mom sort of calmed him down and seemed he was slowly getting back to being his old self, at least that’s what I was perceiving.

Truth is, even when having people close to you, there’s always an internal distance that separates you from them. There are always storms within us that sometimes get too big to control, and you never see them coming until they hit you.

And when they do, they break you apart in such a way that even the best reconstruction efforts will always leave dents within your foundation. You may fix things, but they’ll never be the same, ever.

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After my then friend finally arrived to the Pacific a few days later, I received a call in the middle of the day I believe while at work.

“Hey, I got here safe and sound,” said he.

“Glad to hear. I saw your posts while on the plane” (which I stopped reading at one point because the ‘altitude’ was making me sick).

“Let me give you my phone number. Remember the time difference and that it is a landline, which will make it difficult for us to communicate, but we’ll try whenever possible. If not, emails it is.” He gave me the full info of what I needed to dial since the number wasn’t showing on my mobile.

He may had been tired from the flight, but wasted no time in starting to work as, ‘it cost me about a thousand dollars to get here and need to recuperate’.

Well, hey, had you putted all those endless hours at church into job hunting when you should have, you would be enjoying another type of beach.

He already settled into the room, got the bicycle, etc. It all sounded to me like he was very isolated, but I didn’t thought about that then. He was there because of his own doing.

I think I waited until the weekend to give him a call. I tried calling him and couldn’t connect. Tried several times with no luck and even called my mobile carrier to make sure I was dialing correctly.

I sent him an email telling him about this, and this a-hole in progress responded saying that there was no problem with the number, that I was the one doing something wrong.

He was getting so unbearable again he couldn’t even consider that maybe he gave me the number incorrectly or there was a problem with the phone line.

It was obvious from his reply that he really didn’t want to be there in spite of all the ‘mental jerking off’ he did to convince himself that this was a good thing.

He was using me again to vent off and I still put up with it, even when there was a year contract to go through and anything could happen to him during and after this period. He said he wanted to fly back at least once to see his mom, but that to me sounded like a long stretch.

I kept saying to him via email that his number wasn’t working and he kept insisting he did give me the right one, that I was the one dialing wrong. He kept posting on his social media though, but with the praying hands emoticon always, with the same repetitive messages that ‘all is great with the Lord on my side’.

Question is, as time progresses, what else will you talk about? Probably about the bicycle or how blue the ocean water is.

I wasn’t exactly missing him, but more feeling some envy. It was an extreme change, which is what I was longing for in my life and still do; something I could look back at that made me feel all I’ve gone through these single years have been worth it.

What I couldn’t understand was why wasn’t it happening. I’m a good person and have tried to do everything right, so why nothing extraordinary comes my way? Why does it always happen to others? Will there ever be something more for me? Why does this guy ‘get to have all the fun’?



What I remember next was that he had the help from a former colleague in moving out of the apartment and placing his belongings in the storage spaces.

I believed he then made the trip to his mom’s to leave one of the cars with her; the third one would stay with a couple friends of his.

I don’t recall if I saw him before he left to the Pacific. If I did, I probably got teary eyed when saying good-bye while giving him a hug, liked I’ve always done, when I knew it would be long before I saw him again.

I now look back and can’t believe how emotional I kept getting for him when he was showing the opposite feelings for me. I was so into keeping the friendship that I was allowing him to treat me like crap.

Yes, I was afraid of losing the only thing left that mattered to me, gave me security, a sense of self, anything and everything I relied on to have.

But unfortunately, when you place others before yourself, especially those who don’t deserve or haven’t earned it, they’re going to treat you badly.

And I’ve had this experience already happen with many others (including that person I was married with), so why was I in denial when reality was standing there right before me? Why was I being blind when he was showing his true colors?

If I didn’t get to see him and instead spoke with him on the phone, I probably got equally emotional, but didn’t say much about it. I would again have placed him first and not add additional pressure on him that he already had, or so I thought.

My next recollection of events was that he finally took flight and was posting every detail of his travel tagged with religious emoticons and thoughts.

It went down to something like this: he sat on the plane’s window taking photos of the sky, for example, and write, “thank you Lord for this opportunity as you’re with me all the way”. His favorite emoticon was of two hands together in prayer, which he used all the time on social media and texts, even if the event didn’t have a religious connection.

Or a post like, “look at that water that’s waiting for me down there and none of you will get to enjoy.”

In essence, he was trying to convey that he was headed to paradise and that his decision to go there was because the One above told him to, that ‘this is where he wants me to be right now, even though I don’t have an explanation as to the why of it.’

As the posts continued, they became too much for me. I felt like sticking my hand down the throat and puke at his absurdity. It was the same rhetoric over and over, like he needed continuous confirmation about anything that embodied him.

What it really sounded to me was that ‘the Man is giving me everything that I need because I am kissing butt big time to secure my place in the afterlife, which I know I have, and none of you are getting’.

He may be thankful of all the powers he supposedly was gifted from heaven, but it was clear as the blue sky that it was all about ‘me, me, me’, as in ‘me’ is better than you, ‘me’ gets all that I want, ‘me’ knows better than you, ‘me’ is untouchable ‘cause I got Him on my side and you don’t’.

He may have felt he was on top of the world and able to conquer it all, but his life was headed towards the worst transatlantic disaster he would experience.

Let’s say it certainly wasn’t going to be a day at the beach and would require more than his two hands held together to get a grab of it.

In other words, you never know what the tide might bring in, or like they say in aviation lingo, hold on tight to your seat, brace for impact, and hold your breath, ’cause you’re going down, down, down.



{January 25, 2016}   The Ex-Friend 20 – I wish I may

I was really glad that the visit to the elderly couple was over. We were there for about 4 hours and just got to the point I was getting upset.

Don’t get me wrong dude; if you want to visit them, please do so on your own time, not during my birthday weekend. On top of that, you complaint about others using your mom, you, or other people, but you definitely did it with me for this.

The next stop was a flea market in his college town that I had visited during my Spring Break visit. From there we stopped at the beach. It was here where the beach guy called me when I was getting my photos taken (please see the Looking Back story), to which I later answered when we were all sitting in the car. This was the phone call that the guy made the comment that ‘I was with my boyfriend’, to which I replied, “no, he’s not my boyfriend!” in a harsh tone.

I know I shouldn’t have answered that way, especially with my friend behind me, but it was frustrating that my friend was supposedly interested in taking our friendship further and the beach guy was not taking my interest seriously of hopefully taking things further between us.

Once again, I put the incident aside as we were still pending to do the last event of the day, get to another town and have dinner at a restaurant I had been before and always wanted to return.

At the end of the meal, the waiter brought out a dessert with a lit candle on it. I got emotional and tears came down my face before I blew out the candle.

I looked at both my friend and mom, and placed each of my hands into theirs, while thanking them both for all they had done for me the past days.

My friend smiled with joy, but his mom didn’t flinch. Her face looked like she was saying, ‘girl get yourself together’. The mom has always been one who never smiles at anyone or anything, don’t know why. She had a demeanor of someone who had a wall in front of her and showing no emotions.

Whatever the reason, I never liked this angry demeanor of her or whatever happened that made her like that, especially when my friend was now advocating forgiving people or shedding anything of the past that is anchoring you down into moving forward.

This woman was not capable of at least sharing the happiness of this moment or even making the effort of gifting me a smile. It was all about her and her only. I have never done anything to this woman that made me deserve this attitude.

It’s strange to think that as much as we say we will never be like our parents, somehow their character and actions follow us forever, and manages to influence our lives for better or worse.

How is it possible that my friend and I were conscious of the toxicity that we wanted to avoid, but showed signs of repeating the many chapters of others? Karma? The universe playing games?

Don’t know, but I only hope that my friend doesn’t become her. That’s not much to wish for, isn’t it?



After this second meltdown, life went back as usual. This guy eventually bought an apartment walking distance from his father’s pharmacy. He eventually landed a full-time with a major airline, but it was the night shift. He wasn’t excited about it, but knew that if he wanted to get anywhere with his career, he had to.

I remember he telling me that he would finish work early morning, had breakfast at the airport cafeteria waiting for traffic to calm down, drive home, close the curtains and sleep all day. Days off were for running errands.

If I wanted to talk to him, would leave a message at home. His work was on the ground with airplanes, so calling him wasn’t an option. And as my studies, work and relationship continued, the less we talked, but we handled it the best possible.

A year later of being with my then ‘x’, we got engaged. I truly don’t remember how I told this guy or his reaction. Of all moments shared this is a blank space.

Fast forward 5 months to my wedding and this guy still hadn’t confirmed his attendance. I think he never did or bought me a gift.

Maybe he wasn’t happy for my marriage because he knew he had lost me as a possible companion. All I remember is that he showed up late to the reception when it was almost over.

I hugged him and was happy that he saw me in my wedding dress and in this new stage in my life. But now looking back, he didn’t look as excited as I was. He congratulated me in a serious tone, we talked for a few and I think that was it.

Now thinking about this, it was disappointing that he couldn’t get his things in order to attend this event. I know he worked, but how much effort does it take to have left work early?

Had it been the other way around, I wouldn’t have missed this for anything. I would have been the first to arrive and last to leave.

I remember that week there was a pilots’ strike in the airline he was working for, creating a logistics nightmare for all flights and people directly involved with the airplanes, such as him. But he never communicated this to me or that his attendance might not happen.

What this all needed was just a simple phone call. I would have been sad, but would have understood. But keeping quiet makes you look bad, especially coming from someone who never overlooked these details. He was the type of person that no matter how complicated things were, he would meet up to his responsibilities with himself, work and others.

The more I think about, the more upset I am, mostly with myself. I used to give people so many chances for situations that I wasn’t content about. But that’s how I was and tend to be at times, I overlook the negative because I believe in people.

But unfortunately, the more chances you sometimes give to others, the more they keep disappointing you. In the long run they think you will always give them a break, no matter what, and instead of one feeling appreciated, you feel you’ve been ‘thrown under the airplane’.

Interestingly enough, a situation many years later would correlate with this one in a role reversal. But this time around, the outcome would have devastating results.

Let’s say it was one of apocalyptic proportions that shook my inner core like thunder from the sky would do when it hits you. But unlike lightning, I didn’t see it coming.

But, what can you do? Only to wait for the storm to pass or perhaps that it deviates and hit the person back. Hey, maybe that’s what ‘lightning strikes twice’ means.



{September 21, 2015}   The Ex-Friend 2 – Not seeing it

This guy started talking about a girl he had a relationship with, that they had broken up, but somehow he ended up in her apartment, had sex with her because she managed to get that from him, and when he left the place, was so upset with himself, that he hit the hood of his car so hard it created a dent.

The woman was sitting at the balcony laughing, but not at the car, but at him for getting what she wanted.

The way he referred to the laugh was one of sarcasm, almost as if she was getting even or didn’t care anything about him.

I was listening to him quietly and still in shock, not because of this story, but for this mystery woman.

In all the years we have been friends, I only knew of one during high school. I had seen him with her once in her school. He introduced me to her; I don’t recall if they were holding hands or not, but the way they walked clearly showed they had something together.

The other time I remember her was at a career day at her school. She was alone, but we talked to each other briefly and she never asked me anything about my relationship with this guy.

Looking back I don’t know why I didn’t question him. We both had significant others, but he said that he had feelings for me.

How did this didn’t raise a red flag with me? Was as I too naive, trusted him blindly, or perhaps I was too much into myself that I simply didn’t get it?

And then during and post college years, he didn’t mention any love interests either from his side. In my mind he had never lost his feelings for me. And our conversations usually centered around me as well.

He had his issues as well, but his approach and tone of voice were one of understanding why it was or had happened, and had resolved or come to terms with it, which was the opposite of me.

We had been close friends for the longest time, sharing the good and bad, to the point that we knew the other more than we did ourselves.

So why didn’t he tell me about this, especially when it was obvious that it ended in a chaotic way?

He had always known about the guys in my life, and now with my then ex-spouse, a relationship that at that moment was stable and solid.

I kept listening to him and this guy wanted to talk at that moment. That’s how desperate he was. He was way more broken than when he told me about his grandmother. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this way.

I didn’t wanted to let him down, but I was also on my way to see my then ‘x’. It was a delicate balancing act I never had before.

What I recall after this is that we agreed to discuss it either in person or phone. I continued to my ex’s apartment and didn’t tell him about the incident.

I don’t remember if the conversation ever happened, but I’m sure I probably felt guilty for leaving my friend all sad behind.

He had always been the main man in my life, but now things had changed for me, and certainly for him.

Yep, no matter what, things never remain the same, ever. And it’s not necessarily life that does it, mostly it’s because of us, and many times in the worst of ways.

It’s like a low blow that you didn’t see it coming.



I got on my car and tried to keep calm while driving. The 20-something guy suggested a place to meet that I’ve heard before, but never been to. We were to meet outside of the location and take it from there, in case the place wasn’t worth staying.

I got there about 20 minutes later. I parked on the other side of the sidewalk of him and he got off the car first.

‘He doesn’t look that bad,’ I thought to myself. He actually looked better in person that his photos, which is not usually how it goes. But, hey, if you post a photo of you sticking your tongue out during Spring Break week, your hope is that the real thing is way better than that.

He greeted me politely and still seemed well mannered from what I perceived from his phone voice. So far, so good?

“This place looks kind of dead to me. We should probably go somewhere else,” said he. He was right, not much activity was going on.

“There’s this jazz bar not far from here that has a nice ambience. I think it’s a good alternative for drinks and the music is good. We can even walk there,” said I.

The first sign of how our worlds were different was when we were walking on the sidewalk. Where I come from, the man walks on the side that faces the street so they protect the women from any dangers that may occur.

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t wanted to start the night ‘on a bad step’, or sounding perhaps like his mom, whom I bet is probably more or less my age. And that would make me feel old, which I didn’t want to go there. Besides, I have barely seen anything else of him, so I have to give it a chance.

We got to the jazz bar and found a table outside. It was pretty filled up and the music was playing. But, again, he didn’t display a behavior I’m used to, like a guy helping a lady sit on the chair.

Is it me being too old school or just too picky with any guy, period?

Looking back, I think many of the past guys were quite immature for their age, Or maybe I have been too critical of all of them.

Whatever I’ve lived in the past, I’m in the present sitting at a table with a young guy who I don’t think has any clue of what basic etiquette is.

Either I liked it or not, I felt as if I had a mirror with my own reflection telling me the truth of this moment: He’s way out of my league or, for a lack of better words, I’m too old for him.



I don’t remember what I said to my mom regarding the ship’s visit, but she agreed to take me on Saturday afternoon after completing our house chores.

That was the routine every weekend, cleaning the house, and I was anxious to get it done. I think I even had time to take a quick nap afterwards.

What I do remember is that I dressed up nicely with long white pants, a striped shirt and blue shoes. I don’t know what I was thinking because I could have worn something more casual.

But growing up wearing a school uniform all your years of schooling made you wanting to wear nice clothes whenever you had the opportunity.

My mom and I got to the location and my heart rushed as soon as I saw the ship. It was all white and traditionally designed like those you would see in the movies. But seeing it in real life was an experience I’ve never had before.

I stood with my mom before the ramp connecting the dock and ship. There were two guys on each side of it, who greeted us before walking up. They were surely happy to see me (guess you guys don’t get to see too many chicks?).

When I finally stepped on the ship and took a good look at it, I felt transported to another place and perhaps time. For a few seconds, I simply forgot where I was.

I don’t remember how things happened next, but I asked one of the guys where Johann was. He turned around and called to him out loud, with a tone of ‘somebody’s here looking for you, you lucky guy’.

I was so embarrassed as I was still trying to keep this situation unknown to my mom. But before I could react any further, almost coming out of thin air, Johann appeared.

He stood in front of me, I turned around to look for my mom and, to my surprise, she walked away, laughing.

I got what I wanted, getting to the ship, finding Johann and my mom allowing me to talk to him.

Now, what do I do?

I looked at him again and all I could do was say ‘hi’ and smile.

“Hey, you made it! I’m so glad you did!” said he. He probably thought he would never see me again.

Looking back I now realize what an accomplishment that was. I made a decision on doing something and went for it, but thinking it would probably fail somewhere in the attempt.

I took a risk and something greater than me made it all happen. Call it courage, the universe, or perhaps divine intervention.

What’s important is that I was there.

“Yes, I surely did. I made it.”



Dina and Madelyn give me a look of ‘say something!!’

“Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Ricky, what’s your name?” asked he.

“I’m Emma, and these are Dina and Madeline,” said I while introducing them to him. “Pleasure to meet you as well.”

I don’t remember what was said beyond the usual small talk when meeting someone new, but I did make the effort of including my girlfriends in the conversation.

Ricky was very nice and polite, but I felt totally awkward. This whole dating game was all new to me, and had no idea how to behave.

I had dated and married in my homeland, which was an entirely different country and culture. And now all I could do was look around and feel totally inadequate of how to even hold up a conversation with any guy.

Looking back I thought my life would go on a stable flow, with no complications and not that many changes. I knew it was not going to be easy. But I never thought, not even in my wildest dreams, that I would end up where I was right then: alone, scared, facing the world on my own, without someone next to me holding my hand while leading the way.

Yep, right now it’s me against the world, including this guy sitting next to me.

So, what do I do now?

Some divine intervention please…



et cetera