The New M.E. Generation











The week after the lunch, I reached out to LZ1 as per the usual. The texting continued during the morning commute and work hours, but brief.

Believe I tried calling him during the weekend with no luck. He replied that couldn’t answer because ‘was underneath his car wrenching it with a buddy’. They were to work on it for some more hours and then go eat. Next day, same thing.

Following week I was getting off of work early because of an event that was to cause major traffic jams. Texted if he wanted to meet up with me; he said that ‘was also allowing his employees to leave early although he was staying, and had an event early evening he couldn’t get out off’.

Anyways, my car was giving me trouble and had to get it serviced, which was stressing me out. Had invested in major repairs 6 months earlier and now it had new problems.

He knew about a minor repair around the time I met him, to which he had followed up. But didn’t tell him of this one because his distancing was already happening.

For starters, he was no longer taking the initiative of texting me. Then one day when I took a selfie during my lunch break, instead of replying with the usual words of ‘gorgeous’ or ‘beautiful’ with some cute emojis, he simply said ‘nice!’. That felt like getting splashed with cold water.

The following week he finally underwent the scheduled colonoscopy on a Friday; he had said it was supposed to be on Saturday. His explanation was that ‘it was moved up a day’. His mom was to drive him home.

Tried calling him that night (thinking for sure would get a hold of him), but it went to voicemail. His excuse: ‘he was sore all over.’ As ‘so sore’ you can’t answer your phone??

Tried again next day; same situation. I got upset and left him a message: “Wow, you really meant it when you said that you don’t like talking on the phone!!! Whatever. Bye.” His response was again ‘still feeling pain’. Yeah, like you being a pain in the ass, literally.

Believe another week went by when I last attempted to call him on the weekend. This time there was no response from him in any way. I then knew it was the end of (nothing, I guess).

It was on Monday, a few minutes before midnight, when he decided to finally ‘show face’: “Hi, I’m sorry I have been avoiding you, but I can’t see you anymore. I’m in a bad place in my life right now and I can’t give you the attention you deserve, nor do I want to be in any kind of relationship. I’m sorry I strung this along for two weeks, I thought I would emerge from this one problem, but another has surfaced which is even worse. I don’t feel like talking about it either. Between work and this latest thing it would not be fair to you. You’re really nice woman, attractive and smart. You deserve a lot better than me, that’s for sure. I’m very sorry. Hope you understand.”

I was both upset and not. Was because he turned out to be another coward who didn’t have the balls to have a conversation with me. Not because this repeated facade has become the norm among the men that are crossing my life. The ‘Surprise, surprise’ sarcasm still stands here.

If this text message was to play out in a movie, it would probably go something like this.

I didn’t respond immediately. I allowed myself 2 days to really think it over. Ever heard the expression ‘the quiet before the storm’?

“First of all, that you don’t want to be in a relationship is a lie. You don’t want to be with me. I bet you the little money I have on the bank that the day you meet someone that interests you, you will move heaven and earth to make it work. That you’re going through a bad moment? So is everyone else. The ‘bad timing’ is a fallacy. It’s a cop-out.

Second, it’s an insult that you tell me I deserve better when you don’t know anything about my life to make that statement.

Third, you don’t want to talk about your problem? Fine. Remember my words that one day it will explode on you like a firecracker on a 4th of July.

Fourth, that I’m pretty, etc., is the same thing as getting a consolation prize. You’re using it to try to make me feel better. Cop-out.

Fifth, not answering calls is immature and cowardly. You’re not a millennial and neither am I. Especially sending a message almost at midnight. Face things. Don’t hide. Get updated. Grow up. Another cop-out.

I’m sure that you got disenchanted the day of the lunch. And not giving yourself the chance to see if at least a friendship could happen looks bad on you. Your loss. I’m worth a lot more than you cared to know.

Last but not least, life it’s not just about you, and you, and you. One day you’ll realize what you missed on. You’ll remember me when that happens. Good luck.”

 



I know I’ve said many times over that the best thing for me to do is stay away from people that are not good for me, especially guys that just drop off radar for no apparent reason.

Every so often I’ve broken my own promise of doing so. Case in point, Ivan. He’s one of the few that once in a while I send him a text. Chances of response are slim; calls are not really worth the effort. Sometimes he replies, sometimes he doesn’t, and if he does call, the conversation is limited to no more than 5 minutes, if that.

So if it is so complicated, why do I reach out to him? Good question.

I recently started calling people I haven’t spoken to for some time and his name always comes to mind. But this time I decided to text. This way would just do it and forget about the rest.

“Hey Ivan, what’s going on?” is all I wrote.

A few days later, while at my lunch break, the phone rang; it was him.

“Emma (—-)”. I couldn’t understand the second part of what he was saying. It sounded like ‘ciao’.

“Why are you saying ‘good-bye’ to me?” asked I.

“No, I’m saying hello in my native language.”

“Oh, ok; I wasn’t expecting your call.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been working so much and my employer got sick, and it has been crazy…” This is not the first time I’ve heard this. I was getting a stomach ache of just listening to him. In fact, it’s the norm for him; working until he drops, with no fun or something good to talk about.

“I can sense in your voice that you’re really stressed out. Surprised you didn’t say you got sick yourself.”

“I just need to seriously take a vacation. But you think they would care about me or how I feel??”

“No, they don’t, unfortunately.” And it doesn’t just include work, it refers to many people in general. “You know, you don’t have to go very far to disconnect. It’s just a matter of really resting and not having to worry about anything else.”

“I know. I used to be more fun, had more of a social life. Now I just want to go home and sleep.”

“There’s nothing wrong with doing that,” said I. “Besides, you don’t need to fulfill other people’s expectations, only yours.” (Silence from him.) “So, are you dating anyone?”

“Ah, yes, no; going out with somebody. She’s been very helpful with me with an investment I’m trying to do.”

“Sounds like you feel obligated to be with her because of that.”

“Well, she’s a good woman overall. What about you?”

“I tried that website you told me about and got a lot of too young guys just wanting to sleep with me. And the ones my age look really bad.”

Ivan started laughing. I think it’s the first time I hear him do this. “How about church?” asked he. “Where I go there are many single guys.”

“Mine is full of families. Your town is another market; it’s party central.”

“Listen, I have to go, but we should get a coffee or something some time.”

“Ivan, you know how many times you’ve told me that? I’ve given up on you.”

“I know, everyone has given up on me.”

“I meant that most probably you and I won’t get to see each other again. You’re a good guy. You just have to stop living life for others.” (Silence again.) “Don’t do as I did and found myself totally lost when I got divorced, with no sense of who I was.” (More silence.) “Like I said, you’re a good guy. And I call you because a supreme force gets in my head telling me to do so. What can I say?”

Ivan was speechless and I felt that his anxiety sort of calmed down. The words I had said flowed out in a way as if it was someone else delivering them through me.

After hanging up I knew the universe was the one to blame. Ivan is going through a never-ending difficult time and was emotionally in a desperate need for some sympathetic support.

It was almost as he needed a miracle. You know what, it actually did.



et cetera