The New M.E. Generation











{February 23, 2015}   Looking Back 41 – Emotional trip

The long Valentine’s weekend came and I had no romantic plans for it. I know the whole thing is a cliché when you’re supposed to show your love and appreciation to your loved ones at all times.

Still, there were some instances where I had the thoughts that I’ve been single for quite a while, and only a few guys from past and present are worth rekindling on.

The weather had also turned quite cold, which felt like a correlation of how I saw my love life to be. But as in everything, it changes and one must adapt to it or succumb.

What I decided to do was to dedicate the weekend to myself, even if it meant doing totally unrelated ‘me time’ things like laundry. I wanted to rest as well, and even take advantage of store sales. The goal was doing things that made me feel good.

So I planned out my weekend: Saturday was for laundry and ironing; Sunday, supermarket, church, taking care of anything else; Monday, relax and hairdresser.

Saturday evolved as planned. Didn’t left my apartment the whole day, so I tried my best to enjoy it as best as I could in spite of not having an invite. I didn’t even mind the ironing when a good movie was on TV.

I made myself some dinner, showered and watched more TV in bed. My clean sheets felt great and nothing else mattered to me.

I was falling asleep closed to midnight when… I get a text from the beach guy.

‘Hey, happy valentine’s day. Hope you had a good day,’ wrote he.

‘Same to you. Stayed home doing laundry and I’m having a date with my bed.’

‘I was home all day as well. Spent the evening with my daughter who’s BF is out of town.’

‘At least you have company.’

‘You want me to visit you?’

‘That would be nice, but the distance is brutal.’

‘It is; what’s your address?’

‘What? You should have it stored in your GPS.’

‘Just trying to figure out the drive time silly. I have a new phone, new car, even new underwear.’

Whoa, whoa; hold your horses! This is just too much and I’m not talking about him trying to drive over here, and arriving at what time exactly?

And what about the new car and underwear? A new toy on top of all those you already have? Why? This sounds to me like you have a huge emotional void that just doesn’t get resolved.

If such is the case, then I should feel happy for myself. I think I have the material possessions that I need at the moment, and take care a lot of them until it’s time to part from them.

Honestly, I’m not liking the comment the more I think about it. The word ‘arrogance’ keeps circling my mind and it’s gaining momentum.

Then there’s the thing with the underwear. If we were back in high school, for sure I would be interested in looking at them with that great body you used to sport.

But now, no thank you. I think I can find more interesting ones to look at on the Internet, for free!

This all translates that if he comes here, I know I will get upset when I see the car. Fine, I know my insecurities will surface, so might as well put a stop to this ego trip before I get really upset.

What will I do about it? Nothing; I’ll just sleep over it.

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A few more months later, Jeffrey decided to go back home for good. I don’t remember how it all happened, but I believe he mentioned he was leaving again and did not know when he would return.

It did not take me by surprise. I knew it was coming. In a previous conversation, he had said he was very distant from his spouse and couldn’t handle the situation any longer. On top of that, he was so desperate, he just wanted to ‘drop everything’ and simply leave.

And he did. He left all his material possessions ‘untouched,’ meaning he didn’t sell them or anything. He left that for his ‘significant other’ to deal with it.  Sounds to me he ‘snapped’ one day and simply decided to leave immediately.

And after some time after his departure, he announced he was not coming back. Not another surprise. He ran away, yet again, but for the last time.

Some months later he sent me an email saying he was making a quick stop in ‘the city’ and asked for my number. He wanted to see me, but wasn’t sure if he would have the chance.

I knew it wouldn’t happen, so I didn’t make the effort of contacting him. I was right, nothing happened. He went back home and we haven’t made contact ever since.

Do I still hear from him? Sometimes I do, on and off, of course, online. Later on I did learn he finally got divorced and was happy.

Happy. Hmm, let me think this one over. Better? Probably. Entirely happy? Don’t think so.

I’ve seen pictures of him and he physically looks very good. But in some I can still see the pain of the life he’s lived and left behind.

One thing I’ve surely learned from my experience is that you may run away from all your past. But your demons, unless you confront then face forward, they will run back to hunt you sooner or later.

But I’m hopeful for him. I think he will overcome everything, but, when? That’s not up to me to provide any longer.

This cougar has served her time with this guy.

Do I want to be a cougar again? Don’t know. For now I’ll just keep on roaming until my next ‘catch’ occurs.



et cetera