The New M.E. Generation











{February 23, 2015}   Looking Back 41 – Emotional trip

The long Valentine’s weekend came and I had no romantic plans for it. I know the whole thing is a cliché when you’re supposed to show your love and appreciation to your loved ones at all times.

Still, there were some instances where I had the thoughts that I’ve been single for quite a while, and only a few guys from past and present are worth rekindling on.

The weather had also turned quite cold, which felt like a correlation of how I saw my love life to be. But as in everything, it changes and one must adapt to it or succumb.

What I decided to do was to dedicate the weekend to myself, even if it meant doing totally unrelated ‘me time’ things like laundry. I wanted to rest as well, and even take advantage of store sales. The goal was doing things that made me feel good.

So I planned out my weekend: Saturday was for laundry and ironing; Sunday, supermarket, church, taking care of anything else; Monday, relax and hairdresser.

Saturday evolved as planned. Didn’t left my apartment the whole day, so I tried my best to enjoy it as best as I could in spite of not having an invite. I didn’t even mind the ironing when a good movie was on TV.

I made myself some dinner, showered and watched more TV in bed. My clean sheets felt great and nothing else mattered to me.

I was falling asleep closed to midnight when… I get a text from the beach guy.

‘Hey, happy valentine’s day. Hope you had a good day,’ wrote he.

‘Same to you. Stayed home doing laundry and I’m having a date with my bed.’

‘I was home all day as well. Spent the evening with my daughter who’s BF is out of town.’

‘At least you have company.’

‘You want me to visit you?’

‘That would be nice, but the distance is brutal.’

‘It is; what’s your address?’

‘What? You should have it stored in your GPS.’

‘Just trying to figure out the drive time silly. I have a new phone, new car, even new underwear.’

Whoa, whoa; hold your horses! This is just too much and I’m not talking about him trying to drive over here, and arriving at what time exactly?

And what about the new car and underwear? A new toy on top of all those you already have? Why? This sounds to me like you have a huge emotional void that just doesn’t get resolved.

If such is the case, then I should feel happy for myself. I think I have the material possessions that I need at the moment, and take care a lot of them until it’s time to part from them.

Honestly, I’m not liking the comment the more I think about it. The word ‘arrogance’ keeps circling my mind and it’s gaining momentum.

Then there’s the thing with the underwear. If we were back in high school, for sure I would be interested in looking at them with that great body you used to sport.

But now, no thank you. I think I can find more interesting ones to look at on the Internet, for free!

This all translates that if he comes here, I know I will get upset when I see the car. Fine, I know my insecurities will surface, so might as well put a stop to this ego trip before I get really upset.

What will I do about it? Nothing; I’ll just sleep over it.

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The days went by and no sign of Ivan. To be honest, I was caught up with finishing the work year and looking forward to the vacation days that I forgot about him. It had been hectic at work and really needed some ‘me’ time. I just wanted to enjoy the holidays and end the year in a good note.

It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve that he resurfaced just as he said he would.

“Hey, I’m back in town and my sibling is visiting. What are you doing tonight?” text he.

I was surprised he actually contacted me, but even more that he invited me to celebrate this day with a family member.

“I actually have plans for tonight. But would love to meet up with you and your sibling some other time, perhaps tomorrow?” answered I.

He didn’t reply to my text. I was getting ready for the night, but also nervous that perhaps I was missing on an opportunity to see him, so I text him again.

“Maybe we could meet later after midnight?” text I.

Why not? I am the one complaining that nothing happens with guys and that my social life needs to improve. So then let’s do something really out of the norm for me. These moments happen rarely and this day only once a year.

No reply. Guess he was expecting another answer? Now what? Switch to ‘desperate mode’ and call him.

But, he went back to his old self: no answer. I left a voice message summarizing what I wrote, that would love to get together with him and other person, either tonight, tomorrow or whenever convenient for him, and to please call me back.

Of course, that didn’t happen. I got somewhat upset, but quickly put it aside. This end of the year, I wasn’t allowing any guy to make me feel guilty about anything.

It has really been many difficult years, but slowly and surely, I’ve grown personally and spiritually to levels it has taken me plenty of effort to achieve. And I just wanted the next year to be better than before.

That I’ve hadn’t had a guy next to me at midnight ever since being single? True, but I know it won’t be forever.

Some people have come and gone and I have lived through the best and worst. May still not have a clue about the future and how I will get there.

But I am here still and at peace with myself, and tonight this is all that matters to me.



et cetera