The New M.E. Generation











Me: “So if you’re not going to be in a relationship any longer, how about seeing each other then?”, read my text. (Silence…)

Of course he didn’t reply, as usual. He may say that “we go back a long way” and whatever other sugarcoated comment he usually mentions about us. Reality is he always avoids responding every time I put him against the wall. All he could add to our conversation was “it’s complicated”.

Me: “I can’t believe you allowed yourself to get into this dilemma. You were the one that always resolved any issue in front of you. You wouldn’t let anything or anyone disrupt your life. This is not you at all.”

I could see he was reading my messages, but chose to remain quiet. I was wondering if what I was saying was having an effect on him, when usually he was the one that had the greatest influence from the other. 

Me: “This is simple: you’re either in or out (and I didn’t meant his relationship status), you’re either dead or alive, you’re either pregnant or not, it’s either on or off, it’s either black or white. There’s no in-betweens. There’s no gray areas here.” In other words, make up your mind. Resolve this. Figure out what you want to do.

He never replied to my above mentioned comment and I eventually erased this conversation.

The last times I contacted him was when a hurricane was possibly going to hit our state and later this past January to wish him a good new year. His messenger photo still shows the girlfriend so I didn’t touch the subject.

He didn’t talk much, as usual, other that he was “thinking of taking a work sabbatical for about 10 month”.

Me: “Huh? Having a mid-life crisis? What are you going to do, going to a monastery and turning into a monk?” He replied with a laughing emoji, but no further details.

Well, he’s in his mid 50’s, so maybe he is. Way back he had mentioned that at one point he got himself an Italian passport (because he could proof that he has Italian ancestors three generations back) and once his kids were all grown-up and independent, he was going to get the hell out of the U.S. for good and live there. So maybe this could be very well be happening.

Which got me thinking, if I had the choice of doing something like this of relocating somewhere else, would I do it? Maybe.

It would have to be with a guy, obviously, and an “opportunity you can’t refuse”. Having the means surely helps too, which is what this guy has. Hmm, why is it that he always manages to do whatever he wants to? Why not me?

Me sending him a wishful thinking text: “Hey, if you leave to Italy, can I go with you?”

 

 

 



“Hello” and” Hello, you!” was what we said to each other while hugging at the top of the stairs.

I got slightly nervous and didn’t know what else to say besides, “sorry about the wet floor. It always happens when it’s windy and pouring rain”.

I welcomed him into my apartment; he noticed I usually leave my shoes at the entrance, so he did the same. His were very beach shoes. I didn’t like them; thought he would wear something dressier, besides a polo shirt and jeans, to see me.

The other thing that struck me was the big belly that he had. Couldn’t believe this was a guy whose physique was the envy of anyone back in the day. And now seeing him like this, as someone who ‘gave up’ on this aspect of his life, doesn’t correlate with a person I always saw as successful in anything they would set out to do.

But the most shocking thing of all occurred when I looked at him from head to toe and asked myself, ‘has he always been this short?’

I’ve never considered myself that small, more of an average height, but had always wanted a few more inches. In comparison to me, he had less the inches that I wanted to gain. Standing face to face, the disparity was obviously visible, and for the first time ever, I felt tall.

He sat down at my sofa and I on my chair. I had no idea where to start the topics of conversation, so I started with his divorce. It was still ongoing and as messy as I remembered him telling me about it.

He believes that all that really happened is that she had a mid-life crisis and now she’s doing all that she never did until today, like having a younger boyfriend, traveling, give him a hard time.

Yep, sounds sort of my story. Instead of my ‘x’ having menopause, he had ‘peckerpause’, as in thinking life was leaving him behind like a train and needed to reproduce right away. He kept the one who immediately opened her legs and gave him what he wanted.

I have made some travels and dated more than one younger man. It hasn’t been exactly great, but quite an experience indeed.

This guy also told me about his kids and how close he is to them, his parents and sibling, and how, in the future, once his kids are all grown up, would like to work abroad.

Wow, some things never change. His family was always close to each other and now he’s the same with his kids. And him planning going international, no surprise either. What he envisions, he always gets.

And while I was listening to him, that same insecure feeling I felt back then slowly resurfaced to the top. Here I am with no significant other or kids, and not exactly close or distant with my scattered family. But, worst of all, I have no idea or plans of what my future will or should be.

I’m just living life day by day and don’t give much thought about what will, or should, happen next.

I know there’s nothing wrong with that or should feel bad about it. But with this guy, as I said before, some things will always remain the same, no matter what.

Not even a historical moment like this one can fix it.



et cetera