The New M.E. Generation











We went home after eating and I was nervous of what he would think of my apartment. I gave him a 5-minute preview of the complex from the parking lot before going upstairs.

“This is very nice!” said he while looking around the exterior of the building and inside my place. It gave me a sense of relief since his opinion greatly mattered to me.

“Are you nervous about me being here?” asked he.

“Yes, I think it has always been me visiting you in the past. It’s awkward now being single you coming back into my world in the real. I sort of lost sense of how that felt, among other things in my life,” said I.

“I will say that your apartment looks clean and organized; everything is in its place. That’s how I remember you for and I’m glad that you’re still that way,” continued he.

I looked around and wondered why my emotions were not all in the right place. I remembered at the beginning of being single how I cleaned all the time, things had to be done in a certain way, and having people over made me very nervous.

I was just trying to find an order among the chaos of the divorce, finally doing the things my way without any person telling me how or being negatively criticized, and didn’t want to let people into my space for fear they would ‘disorganize’ it again.

Now I wasn’t as strict about the cleaning, but was keeping it up because it was important for my overall wellbeing. I was doing it for myself, not for other people’s approval.

Having people over though is still a test of how I handle others, even though it is just him, someone I’ve know for so long, or so I thought.

I organized my sofa for my friend to sleep at, explained where the water heater would be set on and off, where the spare keys were, etc., since I had to go to work the next day.

He was organizing his things in his suitcase when I excused myself for the night.

“Are you sleeping by yourself?” asked he. I looked at him startled. “Can’t believe you’re not sharing your bed with any one.”

I don’t recall if I said anything, but definitely turned down his offer. I got into my room and locked the door without making noise and made sure it was closed correctly.

He had told me many times before that ‘he and I would make a good team. That we had known each other forever, our parents as well, etc.; that there wouldn’t be a reason why it wouldn’t work out between us.’

But there were plenty of reasons from my end. For starters I had never been physically attracted to him, even less now.

Second, his constant moving because of work isn’t appealing to me and he knew it. I need stability, not following somebody everywhere or having a life determined by him that I have not control of.

Third, I was on my own because I haven’t found the right guy yet to share that small bed I have, and I wanted to do that with someone that I’m in love and in a relationship with. Going for a quickie or one-night stand isn’t for me, as much as one may physically need it. I have to aim for what makes me happy, period.

Lastly, he’s still communicating with that bitch, so it’s not entirely over between them in spite he saying otherwise.

I went to sleep and at times looked at my door. I was wondering if he would try to come to my room, but I trusted he wouldn’t and he didn’t.

Then I started thinking about his proposal. What if I’m still single because he’s the one meant for me? Is this what the universe is trying to tell me and I’m not getting the message?

Actually, I am getting the message and it’s the same one I’ve been receiving as before as it relates to him, which is ‘don’t do it’.

In other words, what I am feeling towards you is: I ain’t feeling it.

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I think I finally called Ivan around 11pm on a weekday. Sometimes he does answer and when he does, he sounds like he just got out of hibernation.

He’s in this world, but so tired I can tell by his voice that he wished he were ‘in a place far, far away’.

Well, I don’t blame him. Don’t we all feel this way sometimes?

Starting with me, I’ve thought about this many times. Even some people have encouraged me to do so. They have suggested that I should consider moving to another state and start over.

They all ask me the same question: What is holding you here?

I may not have much of a life here with my so-called job, few friends and family, and almost non-existent social life.

But I’ve made of my space the best thing possible, enough to make my daily time worthwhile without putting too much thought into it.

I won’t deny there are moments when I totally despise every part of it and wonder what my future holds. I also know that others have it worse than me and I have much to be grateful for.

But, I have visited other cities and, for some reason, none have given me that indicative that this is where I should be.

I have made of my current location home and it seems it will be that way for a while. In a weird, inexplicable way, I sort of like it here.

Is it really or is there something else? Am I fooling myself when the real reason behind all this is that I’m scared of making another drastic change?

Not sure. Some years have passed since I became single again and feel pretty good about myself, so why not go for it?

Maybe that extraordinary experience that I’ve been waiting so much for could actually happen soon. And if I leave, it won’t.

Fine, call me a dreamer or whatever crosses your mind. I think it’s not time, not just yet. When will that be, if that?

I’ll just say, I’ll give it some more time.



It’s been a while since I last spoke with Ivan and was curious about his well-being.

The last relationships he’s been involved at were really complicated. He was with someone he knew wasn’t the best person to be with and the issues involved would get from bad to worse.

If we ever spoke on the phone he would sound very unhappy and that he just didn’t know how to resolve the problems or even get out of the relationship all together.

He last told me that he and his girlfriend would either give it one more try or break-up all together.

Listening how things were developing, I knew they would stay together. There was something about Ivan that wouldn’t allow him to break away from this bad stuff and start over.

I can relate to that. Maybe he doesn’t want to be alone, doesn’t know or want to deal with his solitude, or that there’s no other choice out there, so might as well suck it up and deal with what you have.

I went through these stages myself and learned to be comfortable with my space with or without someone, and that we need to deal with our issues. But there are times when even doing our best is not enough and we need to conclude what we’re doing and move on.

So I sent him a text message and, to my surprise, got a call back a few days later. His voice sounded way better.

“Hey, you sound good!” said I. “Before you were so down, like you had no idea what to do with that relationship you were involved with. So what happened finally?”

“We decided to give it a try one last time but eventually ended the relationship for good,” answered he.

“I’m glad you did because it was taking a toll on you. Like I’ve told you before, I think you’re a good guy and deserve better. Are you seeing anyone now?”

“I know. Neither of us was happy so the break-up was inevitable. I’m actually seeing someone that I knew from before, but we’re just dating. How about you?”

“No, no guys on the horizon at this time.”

“I’m sure you will meet someone good. You just have to give it time.”

“I hope so. Sometimes I wish I could just go out and have a drink with someone once in a while.”

“I could do that with you now when time allows.”

Well, that would be nice, but it actually happening, I don’t expect it to. With Ivan, like most of the other guys I’ve met, if I don’t make the effort of seeing each other, it will never happen.

But at least the thought and good wishes are encouraging.

And like I’ve done many times before, I’ll just throw it into the universe and see what happens.



I was so relieved when he finally left! I had my space back all to myself and I couldn’t be happier. I just wanted to get my beauty sleep and enjoy what was left of the weekend.

But before I hit the sack on my own, I took care of the first part of my routine, which is as important as my rest: washing up.

I just love being clean and go to bed, watch some television and when totally tired, just get comfortable and fly away to another dimension.

I was on a deep sleep and happily dreaming away when it was all interrupted by a text message.

‘I made it home in one piece but I can’t believe you made me drive back in my condition. You’re a mean girl. You shouldn’t have treated me this way when I was nice to you.’

I somewhat read the first part of it, but when I saw the ‘I can’t believe’ part, I got mad, closed the message and went back to sleep.

Until how long am I still going to get his whining? Is this day (or morning) ever coming to an end?

Forget it, I’ve had it with this guy!

Having the feeling he would most probably text again or, maybe worse, call me, I turned off the ringer on my phone.

I’ll deal with this when I wake up, if that. When you mess up with my sleep, I’m no beauty in the morning!



After the Ivan incident, I decided to take a very long break from online dating. I know he was the first and only date, but the experience left me even more frustrated about love.

It had such an effect on me that I just ‘retreated’ from going out all together. My outings became very limited to just meeting up with Dina and her friends for drinks or dinner.

The rest of the time I stayed home and watched a movie or TV, or simply hanged out by myself. My free time during the weekend was devoted to running errands or just sleeping as much as I could. Talking about getting a lot of ‘beauty sleep.’

But, again, after a while, the lack of social interaction started to make me feel lonely again. Weekends became very long and my space felt very big.

So what’s the next big thing for me? Give online dating another shot? Hmm, I’ve tried everything I could think about. Are there any more choices for me? Not more that I knew of.

All right, this is what I’ll do. I’ll glance over the pictures at the dating website and if one (yes, one) really gets my attention, I will contact that person.

And if anything evolves eventually, like meeting in person, etc., I will do so first as a friend and let things happen very slowly. What I’m trying to say is that, if all else fails, if at least I gain a new friend, I will be fine with that.

Wait! Being friends with a guy I just date? Well, that’s something worth giving it a try.



“Hey girl,” said Madelyn, “what story do you have for me today?”

“Dina held a birthday celebration the other night.”

“Yeah…and what else?”

“What do you mean?”

“That there’s a guy intertwined in what you’re about to share with me. Doesn’t it always have to do with a guy?”

“Damn, you’re good,” I said.

“At times I know you better than you know yourself.” (Damn again, she really is that good.) “But I’m always intrigued in knowing the new chapters of your ‘love adventures.’”

“They haven’t exactly been that, you know that.”

“Oh, just tell me about it. I need to have a good laugh.”

“All right, this is what happened…” (I told her the whole story.)

Madelyn laughed hard over the phone. “What Dina did is so her. I would have done the same. So how do you feel about it?”

“I wasn’t happy with her pushing the guy over me. I didn’t go to her birthday with the hope of meeting a guy. I just wanted to have fun and that’s it.” (I took a pause.) “I can’t believe I actually said that.”

“Well, sweetie, you have had quite an overload of experiences one after the other. I think you got burned out and are taking a break.”

“Yeah, I’m emotionally exhausted. I haven’t gone out much lately because I am trying to stay away from situations just like this one.”

“But there’s nothing wrong on what you’re doing.”

“I know, but there are days that I wish I could have a conversation with someone while having my meal besides watching TV. And there are others that I don’t feel like sharing my space with anyone.

My lack of interest for Jesse has nothing to do with his age, or me being a cougar (or not), or doing the right thing or supposed to do. It’s just that I have stopped believing in finding true love all together.

I don’t regret the experiences I’ve had with the other guys in the past. But, in essence, none of them turned into anything worthwhile. So it’s like each moment is a constant repetition of the one before, and, for now, I just don’t want to live them again.”

“Whoa, that’s deep! I don’t recall you ever talking with such a profound analysis. But there’s more to it, isn’t it?”

You’re right about that too, again.



et cetera