The New M.E. Generation











I don’t know how long I stayed sitting in the stairs staring down at him. At times my mind wandered away like I have so many times, thinking and overanalyzing everything in my life, without coming to conclusions to any of my concerns.

The stairs were a sort of shelter of my then emotions. It was as if I had intentionally sat in the middle in order to push myself to make a decision about my future.

You either go backwards, or up, and rethink your tactics of what to do, or ignore your issues all together and do nothing.

Or, just go down, or for it, with or without a plan.

But staying in the middle, or limbo, is the worst place to be, because you’re there in a sort of ‘comfort zone’ that doesn’t allow you to ‘move’ into anything.

And as I was into myself, my friend suddenly woke up with an abrupt ‘hey’ like when you had some sort of bad dream.

He looked at me a little confused. “How long have you been sitting there?” asked he.

“A while, I think,” said I. Surprisingly I was calm.

“I was so asleep, but something shook me.” Maybe it was my presence that did it.

I have a vague memory of how things transcended next, but I did walk down the stairs to where he was.

I believe I sat in the sofa to talk to him. But my next memory is that he took me in his arms and kissed me. I can’t recall what lead to this.

This was the first time it happened and it was totally unexpected, and one that I wasn’t at all hoping for during this trip or any time later, period.

It wasn’t bad, but knowing he had feelings for me, I guess it needed to happen, first, to get it over with, and second, finally experience his affection in a more personal way.

What transcended after is more vague. I believe we did go out that night and something happened during the outing that made me decide on allowing him to share the bed with him, as in resting only (for real!).

Perhaps the sofa became too uncomfortable. Or maybe it had to do with his roommate’s activities that were so ‘noisy’ that made more sense for him being in his own room to avoid any contact.

Now thinking back on this, it was weird. If he had feelings for me, considered me pretty, and you’re finally taking a step forward with the kiss, why not follow to the next level?

Reality was he probably applied the advice he gave to my ex-boyfriend that he would lose me if pressured me into something I wouldn’t want to do.

My friend probably realized, like me sitting in the stairs, that he had 2 choices: leave things as they were and keep the friendship. Or, take a step downward that would make me walk out the door to never return, ending our friendship for good.

“I’m not letting a friendship of so many years get affected by anything,” was something he would express to me many times throughout the years. And I believed him because he practiced what he preached.

Me, I did had a choice regarding the outcome after the kiss, to which I decided not to pursue. Besides not having the same love feelings for him that he had for me, there was something holding me back from this ‘good to be true’ scenario.

What was that made me stay in the middle of the stairs? What was that feeling of going back up and away from that guy down there that was telling me, ‘don’t do it’?

Don’t know, but I’ll try getting an answer after I sleep on it.

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My vacation was going very well. The days were beautiful and my school friend and I were doing more things that we had planned for.

It was on our second day of the trip that we traveled to his college town. I had visited him during those years and we drove around the beach and other places he had taken me to before. It sure was a trip down ‘memory lane’.

We took photos and everything, and I was glad to be at a location I thought I would never get to visit again. My friend decided to go for a swim, but I opted to sit and enjoy the view.

While he was swimming, I became very nostalgic. The last time I was here was 20+ years ago and, as it has been pretty much my entire life, I questioned my whole existence.

It has been a difficult year and I had no sense of direction of what was to happen next or how I was going to get to the next level.

My friend knew I have been unhappy with anything related to me for the longest time. I was trying to show my best face possible, like in the past, but it wasn’t all working.

I am now older, perhaps wiser, but still pretty much lost. I am at a stage in my life that all I wish for is quite simple: find a man, have a home together, and maybe a family.

I know life is not picture perfect as others have told me (including him) and that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

So, how do I take things from here while sitting at the beach? Don’t have a clue. Hopefully the ocean water will wash all my sadness away.



“I’m fine,” said Johann. “How long has it been since we last spoke?”

“My last memory was you telling me in your card that you were getting married and couldn’t write to me any more,” said I.

“Actually, it was my wife who told me to do that. I was upset about it, but what could I do? I’ve always regretted it.”

“Well, if it gives you any comfort, I got rid of most of your letters when I got married. I regretted it too, especially after he left me. But, you and I did what we thought we had to do for the sake of our relationships.”

“I’m sorry that happened to you. You know, I was really into you. I wanted to finish my education and fly out to see you again. I would have had a relationship with you, even taken it to the next level, have I been given the chance.”

“What, for real? We were so young! How did you know I was the one for you when we weren’t even living in the same country?”

“That’s how much I had feelings for you.”

“Well, I will say this: life sure has a way of taking care of things.”

Wow! I did have lots of feelings for him, but I think part of them were of being ‘enamored’ with the long distance aspect and he being a foreigner in the navy.

But it was now that I learned how serious he had been about me. What he said was a very powerful statement.

Johann didn’t have a lot of time to talk so we wrapped it up. It may have been brief, but so much was said (and felt).

I couldn’t get off my mind the fact that had there been the opportunity we could have ended up together.

It’s ironic to think that my ‘x’ said to me that he knew he would marry me after our first date. I questioned him about it and he kept saying, ‘I just knew’. It sounded romantic at the time, but after all I went through, it later felt he really didn’t put much analysis into this, if that.

What about me? What relates to men, I thought I had it all figured out when I got involved with him. I knew being married wasn’t going to be easy, but felt confident I could make it work.

Still, how much guarantee do we have of anything working out, no matter at what age? Answer is, none.

But, like I told Johann, life took care of things because it protected us from a situation it wasn’t meant to be.

If I am right about this, why didn’t it take care of that other guy?

What have you got to say now ‘life’?



Johann and I kept corresponding by email and it was just like when we used to write each other, except we didn’t had to buy stamps or wait endlessly for the next envelope to arrive.

It’s great to think how much technology has allowed for people to reconnect so, why not take it to the next level?

‘Is there any way we can actually talk, either via the computer or by phone?’ I asked him on my email. ‘It would be great to hear your voice again and seeing you, even better.’

He replied that as much as he wanted to do so online, his personal situation made it impossible, but going mobile was an option. He was going to try to find a day and time and would let me know.

About two weeks later he wrote saying he was going to call me on a Saturday morning my time.

I was so excited about talking to him I woke up early that Saturday just to make sure I wouldn’t miss his call.

When the time came, I sat next to the phone and even plugged it to make sure the battery would he charged.

At exactly the time he said he would call, he did.

“Hi Emma, it’s me, Johann.”

“Oh, my, I can’t believe I’m talking to you…” I got very emotional and chocked to the point tears were coming down my eyes, and almost couldn’t talk.

I have gone through so much, I had forgotten how really much he was part of my life and had meant to me.

I needed this phone call so badly and couldn’t have happened at a better time.



et cetera