The New M.E. Generation











The next day I woke up feeling confused. The bbq of the night before had been nice, but the event had extended far too long. It was one of those feelings that you overdid it and now your body was showing it.

I debated during the morning whether to call Cameron or not. I wasn’t sure if to apologize for my comment of who had texted him, or simply take the opportunity to thank him again, and then discuss this matter. I also wondered if it was necessary for me to say anything to him, even thanks, when I think I did that before he left (honestly, I don’t remember).

I believe I went about my Sunday like any other. If I did make the attempt of calling him, it was in the early evening. And when I did, the call went straight to his voicemail, which didn’t sit well with me.

‘WTF?’ I thought to myself. ‘Has this guy blocked me or something?’

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday came and went. Still no sign of him. Not sure if I made the attempt of calling him again those days, but if I did, it went to voicemail. At this point I didn’t know what to do, but it was clear to me he was avoiding me.

I checked his social media and we were still friends. His profile was as boring and uninteresting as usual, with no clues of his whereabouts or anything else. I wondered if he was checking my posts.

I don’t know what got into me, but I made a drastic move and deleted him as my friend. I probably thought that after 4 days of silence he had moved on with his life, so it was time for me to do the same.

Came Thursday, and when I was getting off the car and walking into the office, I get a call from him. I was juggling my purse and else, and missed answering his call. I returned it when I settled down at my desk.

He quickly tells me that ‘he was about to walk in into the office and only had a few minutes to talk’. Of course you do.

How predictable of a guy to use this false facade as a way to break up with you. They don’t want to deal with a woman ‘going postal’ in person, so they cowardly do this over the phone, taking even more advantage that you’re working, thinking they can make it ‘short and sweet’ to their liking.

Guys, let me tell you something: get on with the times. Just because we’re supposed to be ladylike and behave professionally at work, doesn’t mean it will stop us of telling you to ‘go fuck yourself’.

Because I knew what was coming, I got myself in an empty office, closed the door, and let him say what he had to say.

“It was good for me to go out with you because it helped me,” said he. “Good for you, bad for me,” answered I.

“I still have some issues with my wife to deal with,” continued he. “And you used me to leverage your emotions. Once you got what you needed, you went ahead and disappeared,” said I.

“I didn’t disappear,” said he. “Yes you did,” said I.

“I’m sorry you feel this way and I can only apologize… (blah, blah, blah).” “No you’re not; you’re not the one getting the boot. Question, did you tell the 24-year-old you had issues?”, continued I.

He kept trying to make his case, to which I had a winning argument to everything he was saying.

He then mentioned that he noticed I had ‘unfriended’ him on social media, which he was surprised at and not understanding why I did it. “You took me out of your life, so I did the same,” said I.

I was beyond mad with him. He then said that ‘he was outside the office door about to walk in’ to end the conversation. I know he was running away from me and the situation, but I wasn’t done.

So I went ahead and wrote him through his profile: “I’ll tell you why I’m upset. You disappeared after the bbq. I call you, no answer.

Now you say it was good for you to go out with me because it helped you. That you still need to resolve issues with your divorce.

You told me that when we met. And it may be so, but it’s not for me that others use you. And you came to such a quick decision not to see me any more? You gave that chick 4 months and me less than one?? Really?

What will happen is that you will meet another girl, and that’s it. That thing that you have issues will disappear the minute it happens. I’ve lived that before of guys dumping me, to then quickly learn that they found someone new.

If ever you want to know anything about me, you make the effort. And I took you out of social media because we stopped being friends the minute you decided to walk out of my existence.”

I don’t know if he read it, but I don’t care. This is my version of his ‘short and sweet’, and I like every word of it.

And, you’re a coward. I said it again. A way shorter and sweeter truth.

How do you like the ‘unsweetened’ version of me now?

 

 

 

 

 

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My high school friend graduated a year before I did. My brother was on the same class and attending the graduation without him being there was a somber night for me.

This period represented a new stage in my life. My friend and brother were going away to college in a few months, which meant I would be alone at home with mom and my Senior year would start.

I was looking forward to this time, but was also lost of what to do with education and myself, especially when he was away.

I felt somewhat lost without my support system. And my insecurities about my intelligence and grades for my college application had me on the edge.

I kept thinking how in spite all he did he managed to get to the school of his choice. He knew exactly what he wanted to do for a career and how he would make it happen. Me, I didn’t have a clue what to expect for dinner that night.

The last memory I have of my friend during this time was of him coming to terms about ending high school, but glad he would go away from all this and start engaging in what he really loved.

He legally completed his studies, but don’t recall that he received the diploma. I believe he mentioned having to get a lawyer so there would be a record filed in school and Education Department that he had completed all the high school requirements.

That made me even more sad and puzzled about life in general and of witnessing this happening to someone I cared about.

That’s probably why I was overwhelmed; my mom had high expectations of me, my brother was the center of attention for always, and my mom was trying to adjust to this major change at home.

The summer went normal. I would see my friend at the pharmacy whenever I could. I don’t recall saying good-bye in person. I probably did over the phone and holding back my tears. After all he went through to finish school, the least I could do was to be supportive towards him and not add any additional pressure.

I do recall that when he and my brother left, I sat at my room looking around and thinking, ‘now what?’ It wouldn’t be the first moment that I felt that I was totally on my own without someone to hold my hand to lead the way.

It was as scary as when my ‘x’ walked out the door for good. Thinking about it now brings back this feeling, but incredibly I managed to overcome it all and stay in one piece.

So why am I still sad? Because I miss my friend and it hurts losing the friendship. This is not what was meant to be, but as he and I have done, I will hold my head up, knowing that no matter what, I will make it through this time and will be just fine.



I got on my car and tried to keep calm while driving. The 20-something guy suggested a place to meet that I’ve heard before, but never been to. We were to meet outside of the location and take it from there, in case the place wasn’t worth staying.

I got there about 20 minutes later. I parked on the other side of the sidewalk of him and he got off the car first.

‘He doesn’t look that bad,’ I thought to myself. He actually looked better in person that his photos, which is not usually how it goes. But, hey, if you post a photo of you sticking your tongue out during Spring Break week, your hope is that the real thing is way better than that.

He greeted me politely and still seemed well mannered from what I perceived from his phone voice. So far, so good?

“This place looks kind of dead to me. We should probably go somewhere else,” said he. He was right, not much activity was going on.

“There’s this jazz bar not far from here that has a nice ambience. I think it’s a good alternative for drinks and the music is good. We can even walk there,” said I.

The first sign of how our worlds were different was when we were walking on the sidewalk. Where I come from, the man walks on the side that faces the street so they protect the women from any dangers that may occur.

I didn’t say anything because I didn’t wanted to start the night ‘on a bad step’, or sounding perhaps like his mom, whom I bet is probably more or less my age. And that would make me feel old, which I didn’t want to go there. Besides, I have barely seen anything else of him, so I have to give it a chance.

We got to the jazz bar and found a table outside. It was pretty filled up and the music was playing. But, again, he didn’t display a behavior I’m used to, like a guy helping a lady sit on the chair.

Is it me being too old school or just too picky with any guy, period?

Looking back, I think many of the past guys were quite immature for their age, Or maybe I have been too critical of all of them.

Whatever I’ve lived in the past, I’m in the present sitting at a table with a young guy who I don’t think has any clue of what basic etiquette is.

Either I liked it or not, I felt as if I had a mirror with my own reflection telling me the truth of this moment: He’s way out of my league or, for a lack of better words, I’m too old for him.



I kept myself ‘busy’ by eating the pizza non-stop. I wasn’t talking much because this conversation was all about him, as it has always been and which I have allowed it to be.

Ever since he reappeared in my life, I’ve been analyzing

    him

and what he did or not, etc., way back in high school. The sad part is I haven’t concentrated my efforts in where I stood and stand now.

Sounds familiar? That’s how it happened in my marriage. It was all about my ‘x’ and his ‘me, me, me’ attitude. Deep inside he didn’t care about me and I became a means to an end, and when I couldn’t fulfill his need (especially that of children), out I went.

So, in the end, he would have let me anyway, even if I gave him what he wanted, because once needs are fulfilled, your work ‘is done’ and ‘your services are no longer needed’.

I kept looking at ‘the beach guy’ while he kept talking and asked myself where would I fit in all this when, again, it’s all about him (and his kids). The ‘overhead compartment’ seems pretty full from here.

After showing me the endless photos and videos of his beloved one, he then showed me photos of his ‘toys’, which included cars and an RV. They were so many that they made me feel small and that my life was somewhat meaningless.

Here I am with no material property that belongs to me as a whole. I rent an apartment and I still have a year to go on my car payments.

Besides that, I have a job, a few friends and some men that are basically ‘inactive’ as we speak. I have no plans for the future and have no clue what happens next after this night is over.

On the other hand, if you have so much good going on in your life, what’s the need of all these ‘toys’?

I may have been ‘clinging’ on guys in the past for emotional reasons and my ‘toys’ are clothes and shoes I buy at mega store sales. But even if I had all the money in the world, I wouldn’t surround myself with objects that, in my opinion, give you temporary satisfaction.

So, who’s really here with an empty hole to fill? I thought this guy had it all figured out, but what’s really ‘eating’ him inside? I was now looking at a person I barely knew.

What about me? Was still feeling smaller than his actual height, but satisfied in realizing that, from an emotional standpoint, I’m not doing that bad. Actually, I’ve made great strides and this night is an example of it.

And, right now, the other thing that’s giving me ‘instant gratification’ is this pizza that I’m eating. If I’m picturing anything memorable from this night, this will certainly be it.



My vacation was going very well. The days were beautiful and my school friend and I were doing more things that we had planned for.

It was on our second day of the trip that we traveled to his college town. I had visited him during those years and we drove around the beach and other places he had taken me to before. It sure was a trip down ‘memory lane’.

We took photos and everything, and I was glad to be at a location I thought I would never get to visit again. My friend decided to go for a swim, but I opted to sit and enjoy the view.

While he was swimming, I became very nostalgic. The last time I was here was 20+ years ago and, as it has been pretty much my entire life, I questioned my whole existence.

It has been a difficult year and I had no sense of direction of what was to happen next or how I was going to get to the next level.

My friend knew I have been unhappy with anything related to me for the longest time. I was trying to show my best face possible, like in the past, but it wasn’t all working.

I am now older, perhaps wiser, but still pretty much lost. I am at a stage in my life that all I wish for is quite simple: find a man, have a home together, and maybe a family.

I know life is not picture perfect as others have told me (including him) and that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

So, how do I take things from here while sitting at the beach? Don’t have a clue. Hopefully the ocean water will wash all my sadness away.



I placed all the letters back in the box, finished organizing the storage space, closed it and left.

I know I probably should have left with the last letter I received of him. I had no idea of his whereabouts, so perhaps doing a search with the returning address could lead to something.

But it has been so many years. Chances are he had moved, even maybe to another country. Then there was his marital status; it could be either way.

Even more, maybe he was still traveling for work and not that easily to get a hold of.

I know there are social sites to search at, but what if he shared a profile with his significant other? If he did, I can’t send him a message.

I got home and promptly got on my computer. I started my search with his first and last name, nothing. I then tried first name, middle initial and last. Again, nothing.

Tried the last option again and added the name of the country. Switched to typing his nickname with last name. I tried all data I could remember, including the ship’s name.

I wasn’t getting any results, nothing that at least could give me a clue about him. It was like trying to find someone that has never existed.

I couldn’t believe that with all the technology available, I was in the same spot as the beginning.

Now what? Smoke signals, sniffing dogs, send an SOS?



{September 8, 2011}   The Undateables 8 – Q & A

I turned off the TV and else needed before leaving a home. I closed my door and walked fast to the elevators and the wait seemed endless.

As I got into the hallway leading to the building exit, my walk got kind of clumsy. It was a mixture of nervousness and not wearing these high funky shoes often. The only thing left to happen to me was to fall ‘head over heels’, and it was not for fashion.

I got outside and (damn!), that is some nice car. I’m not an expert, but I can tell these wheels cost quite some bling!

He stepped out of the car and we greeted each other. Finally! I mean, how more complicated getting together can be?

He opened the door for me and, once inside, he asked me where I wanted to go. I told him I had no clue.

He then asked where I tend to go with my girlfriends. I answered that they were low-key places (meaning: very casual places that in this car I’m at this moment, I’m sure they’re not of your interest).

There was a brief pause and we looked at each other like, ‘Next question please!’ or ‘Can someone please speak up?’

“So, what do you like to eat?” asked he.

“Hmm, sushi, BBQ, Italian, Latino…” That didn’t help either.

Another moment of silence. Maybe I should say something.

“My friends always joke that I eat like a guy.” Or, maybe not.

He gave me a face of ‘WTF?’ Still more waiting inside the car.

I had no idea what else to say. I tried to deviate my nervousness by mentally doing a checklist. Sitting properly, check! Dress in the right place and not showing any excess cleavage, check!…

“Do you like seafood,” asked he yet again. (Shoot! You scared me!)

“I love seafood!” (Why didn’t I think about this choice??)

“Great. I know the place to go.”

All right, we’re moving, or should I say, sail away?



et cetera