The New M.E. Generation

{September 2, 2013}   Take Me Back 19 – Sing it to me

This process of putting the pieces of the past together has been a great mental exercise. It’s still strange, though, that there have been bits missing. How is it possible that I don’t remember all about Johann when he was such an important part of my life?

I’ll tell you this. One day I was driving to work and the radio station played a song that woke me up more than my alarm does.

The song was one among many of the music that I had mailed him in the past. I don’t remember specifically about the rest, other than they were primarily love songs.

The lyrics of this one always reminded me of him. It sang about this man who constantly has to travel for work and this separates him from his loved one.

He knows that what he does is not how life with a significant other is supposed to be, but he reassures her that, no matter what happens, he will always be faithful to her.

The song continues in that he asks the same of her, to not stray, and that whenever he gets to see her again, he feels joy in discovering her over and over.

I identified with the song because Johann and I had a friendship and love for each other that was not the standard. He was always traveling and I would get to know him more with each new letter received. Even more, he was faithful to me all the time he was in the navy.

Using this song in the present, it was the ultimate joy that we got to reconnect and know each other again.

There are no expectations here other than to stay together as friends and that we may live our lives for others and ourselves accordingly.

The only part of the song that may not ‘repeat’ is seeing each other. That’s a hard one and will take a lot more than just singing the blues for it to happen.

We kept communicating via email as time went by. We didn’t do it often, but it was nice to talk about pretty much anything that pertained to us individually.

One day he sent me some pictures I’ve sent him that I had forgotten about.

There was one of me wearing my uniform at school, standing in front of one of the classroom’s door. I had a big smile on my face with my arms crossed.

It was taken with my camera and the photos were developed at a local drugstore at a walking distance from my home and school.

Every time I had a roll to develop, I would walk by myself to the store and drop them off. As soon as they were ready, I would write a letter to Johann and send them out.

The second one was a passport photo. I was wearing a white blazer, which was actually my father’s jacket in another time. I found it on my grandparent’s house and fell in love with it. I would roll up the sleeves and thought I looked really fashionable.

One thing I really forgot about was that, not only did I write notes on the back of the photos, but also would always sign them, ‘Love always, Emma’.

The writing on one of these photos conveyed a feeling that I didn’t know where our lives would take us or what would happen to our friendship, but that I would always remember him as having a special place on my heart.

Yes, that’s who I was back then, a hopeless romantic, writing all these things as if they were taken out of a romantic novel.

I wrote these words with no expectations for anything in the future, not knowing how much they would impact our lives and, even less, if I would get to read them again.

They were certainly those of a teenager who had no idea that these thoughts would transcend time and would still be felt the same way today as they were more than 20 plus years later.

Time may pass, but feelings don’t.

I really wasn’t expecting any more responses from this guy regarding the whole incident, but I did.

To yet another surprise, he started his email stating that he was traveling and access to the Internet was not available at times.

If such is the case, where in the world is he that communicating is so complicated that he still felt compelled to respond? After all, I’m not important to him any more.

He then continued writing that he had apologized to me numerous times and did not know how else to do it any more. Also, that he knew I was expecting much more from him, and that he hoped I could move on from the anger I was feeling towards what happened.

He concluded stating that he could respond to me further when possible.

I, once again, read it many times and responded when I was sure of what I wanted to say, which was expressed like this:

‘I’m not expecting anything from you now or later.

What hurts me is that you terminated our friendship and never got an explanation as to the reason for such.

I have moved on in my own way and know that life will repeat itself; we will loose contact and eventually forget about each other. Perhaps it is the best thing to do.’

What I forgot to mention to him was that I have accepted his many apologies, but I will not forgive him. After all I’ve gone through, this I won’t do. Maybe later, when he’s really out of my life and the hurt is no more.

I haven’t received any more emails from him and don’t expect any more. I think he got my message and I have said all that I needed to.

Do I expect anything else to happen? No.

I think this reconnection finally got disconnected.

et cetera