The New M.E. Generation











“Hello” and” Hello, you!” was what we said to each other while hugging at the top of the stairs.

I got slightly nervous and didn’t know what else to say besides, “sorry about the wet floor. It always happens when it’s windy and pouring rain”.

I welcomed him into my apartment; he noticed I usually leave my shoes at the entrance, so he did the same. His were very beach shoes. I didn’t like them; thought he would wear something dressier, besides a polo shirt and jeans, to see me.

The other thing that struck me was the big belly that he had. Couldn’t believe this was a guy whose physique was the envy of anyone back in the day. And now seeing him like this, as someone who ‘gave up’ on this aspect of his life, doesn’t correlate with a person I always saw as successful in anything they would set out to do.

But the most shocking thing of all occurred when I looked at him from head to toe and asked myself, ‘has he always been this short?’

I’ve never considered myself that small, more of an average height, but had always wanted a few more inches. In comparison to me, he had less the inches that I wanted to gain. Standing face to face, the disparity was obviously visible, and for the first time ever, I felt tall.

He sat down at my sofa and I on my chair. I had no idea where to start the topics of conversation, so I started with his divorce. It was still ongoing and as messy as I remembered him telling me about it.

He believes that all that really happened is that she had a mid-life crisis and now she’s doing all that she never did until today, like having a younger boyfriend, traveling, give him a hard time.

Yep, sounds sort of my story. Instead of my ‘x’ having menopause, he had ‘peckerpause’, as in thinking life was leaving him behind like a train and needed to reproduce right away. He kept the one who immediately opened her legs and gave him what he wanted.

I have made some travels and dated more than one younger man. It hasn’t been exactly great, but quite an experience indeed.

This guy also told me about his kids and how close he is to them, his parents and sibling, and how, in the future, once his kids are all grown up, would like to work abroad.

Wow, some things never change. His family was always close to each other and now he’s the same with his kids. And him planning going international, no surprise either. What he envisions, he always gets.

And while I was listening to him, that same insecure feeling I felt back then slowly resurfaced to the top. Here I am with no significant other or kids, and not exactly close or distant with my scattered family. But, worst of all, I have no idea or plans of what my future will or should be.

I’m just living life day by day and don’t give much thought about what will, or should, happen next.

I know there’s nothing wrong with that or should feel bad about it. But with this guy, as I said before, some things will always remain the same, no matter what.

Not even a historical moment like this one can fix it.

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Surprisingly, he replied a few hours later. ‘I don’t mind what you said. I actually want to meet you. I haven’t mentioned it before because I want to be available when we agree on it.’

I thought his reply sounded reasonable, so I felt the next step would be the right one: asking him for his number.

This would allow me to text him whenever I felt it was time to go out with him, if I got to that point. I could also control the situation and test his patience. I wanted to see how serious he was and how long he was willing to wait for the meeting.

So not wanting to come across as desperate, I waited until the next day to ask for his mobile. He gave it to me about 2 weekdays later around some odd hour when I was already sleeping.

I waited about a week to go by and emailed him on a Saturday morning about just having drinks that night and each traveling to the location separately.

He declined, as he was supposedly complicated that day. Not caring if it was true or not, I waited another week and did the same. This time he wrote he was available.

I then called him that day around 12pm to secure a plan for the night. I then realized I hadn’t given him my name.

He text back to meet at a bar some time after 8pm and that he would call me after finishing work to discuss.

All right, let’s wait and see if he actually follows what he says. And if he does, then I will slightly reschedule my afternoon to include some walking, resting and doing my hair.

Yep, no matter what, you have to look your best, because if not, you’ll end up crossing paths with all the people you don’t want to, especially those of ‘my past life’.

And if it happens with this guy, the gossip will surely reach the ears of some very particular people, which I wouldn’t mind.

Even if this outing ends in nothing, being seen with a much younger and cute guy is starting to sound like a good idea.

Interesting thought considering those people probably never expected much of me after the split. Fact was, they never cared to really know me, so it would be a total shocker.

I would love to see their faces, but, actually, no. I hate putting up a show for whatever the reason. What matters is that I’m living life the way I want to, with all its challenges and adventures.

At the end of the day, I’m the one who’s dealing with all the good and bad, the ups and downs, and all the responsibilities that go with it.

Getting back to dealing with this 20-something, no worries here.



A few months went by and the communication continued either by emails or text messages.

A long weekend was coming up about a month and a half away and was planning a road trip with a guy friend of mine from high school to a location not that close to him, but way closer to where I currently live.

So I wrote him an email that read like this: ‘Don’t know what you will be doing for the long weekend, but I’m going to be upstate with a friend. I’m saying this so you don’t complain to me later that you wished I would have told you.’

He replied a few days later that he didn’t know what his plans were since basically they were governed if he had his kids or not for that week. He also mentioned that the distance between his location and mine was about a 2-hour drive, so when and where we could meet were other logistics to define.

Definition: ‘I’m so busy there’s no way I can move things around and make it happen.’ I knew this was the answer he would give me. No surprise here yet again.

He asked me where I would be staying. I said at my friend’s family home. I took the opportunity to even mention that my friend has been that since my early teens and he lived in another state. I said this because I knew he would question my relationship and didn’t want to ruin the only chance of maybe meeting.

Whichever way I explained it, it was going to be an awkward situation. My school friend has known me forever and has been at my side through all my good and bad moments.

After learning of how the ‘beach guy’ has been behaving, he felt I was having hope on something that would never happen. He knew how badly hurt I’ve gotten in the past and didn’t want me to go through that again.

Then there’s the beach guy. As much as I tell him ‘we’re just friends’, I know he won’t believe that. If I was he, I would really thought it over about driving 2 hours and seeing me with another guy.

Also, where would he sleep if he decided to stay for the night, in the couch?

No definite plans have been decided and my anxiety level is already going overboard.

What is it about me that, no matter what I do, I always have some sort of complicated matter with a guy (or guys)?

Comments? Universe? Any one?



{September 2, 2013}   Take Me Back 19 – Sing it to me

This process of putting the pieces of the past together has been a great mental exercise. It’s still strange, though, that there have been bits missing. How is it possible that I don’t remember all about Johann when he was such an important part of my life?

I’ll tell you this. One day I was driving to work and the radio station played a song that woke me up more than my alarm does.

The song was one among many of the music that I had mailed him in the past. I don’t remember specifically about the rest, other than they were primarily love songs.

The lyrics of this one always reminded me of him. It sang about this man who constantly has to travel for work and this separates him from his loved one.

He knows that what he does is not how life with a significant other is supposed to be, but he reassures her that, no matter what happens, he will always be faithful to her.

The song continues in that he asks the same of her, to not stray, and that whenever he gets to see her again, he feels joy in discovering her over and over.

I identified with the song because Johann and I had a friendship and love for each other that was not the standard. He was always traveling and I would get to know him more with each new letter received. Even more, he was faithful to me all the time he was in the navy.

Using this song in the present, it was the ultimate joy that we got to reconnect and know each other again.

There are no expectations here other than to stay together as friends and that we may live our lives for others and ourselves accordingly.

The only part of the song that may not ‘repeat’ is seeing each other. That’s a hard one and will take a lot more than just singing the blues for it to happen.



et cetera